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SEASON-TICKET 



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I pity the man, who can travel from Dan to Beersheba and cry " 'Tis all barren." ' 







LONDON: 

EICHAED BENTLEY, NEW BUKLINGTON STEEET, 

1860. 






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LONDON : FRINTKD BT Vf 



CLOWES AND SONS, STAMFOHD RHBBf. 



TO 

CHEYNE BRADY, ESQ. 

(OF DUBLIN,) 

THIS WOEK 

IS INSCRIBED BY HIS SINCERE FRIEND, 

THE AUTHOR. 



March, 1660. 



ADVEKTISEMENT. 



The following sketches appeared during the past 
twelve months in the Dublin Univeksity Magazine ; 
and the very favourable reception they met with from 
the public has induced the author to republish them in 
the present form. 

March, 1860. 



CONTENTS. 



No. Page 

I. — AN EVENING AT CORK .... 1 

II. — WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS . . 28 

III. HOMEWARD BOUND . . . .63 

IV. ' A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, AND THOUGHTS IN A TRAIN ' 96 

V. — JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS . . . 125 

VI. BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS . . 157 

VII. A GALLIMAUFRY . . . .186 

VIII. OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS . 213 

IX. — THE LIVING AND THE DEAD . . 248 

X. — THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR ; OR, QUAKERS 

AFLOAT AND ASHORE . . . 280 

XI. COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE . 309 

XII. — BIG WIGS ... . 344 



THE SEASON-TICKET. 



No. I. 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 



Everything has altered its dimensions, except the world 
we live in. The more we know of that, the smaller it 
seems. Time and distance have - been abridged, remote 
countries have become accessible, and the antipodes are 
upon visiting terms. There is a reunion of the human 
race ; and the family likeness, now that we begin to think 
alike, dress alike, and live alike, is very striking. The 
South Sea Islanders, and the inhabitants of China, import 
their fashions from Paris, and their fabrics from Man- 
chester, while Rome and London supply missionaries to 
the ' ends of the earth,' to bring its inhabitants into ' one 
fold, under one Shepherd.' Who shall write a book of 
travels now? Livingstone has exhausted the subject. 
What field is there left for a future Munchausen ? The 
far West and the far East have shaken hands and pi- 
rouetted together, and it is a matter of indifference 
whether you go to the moors in Scotland to shoot grouse, 
to South America to ride an alligator, or to Indian 
jungles to shoot tigers — there are equal facilities for 
reaching all, and steam will take you to either with the 
same ease and rapidity. We have already talked with 

B 



2 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

New York ; and as soon as our speaking-trumpet is 
mended shall converse again. 'To waft a sigh from 
Indus to the pole,' is no longer a poetic phrase, but a 
plain matter of fact of daily occurrence. Men breakfast 
at home, and go fifty miles to their counting-houses, and 
when their work is done, return to dinner. They don't go 
from London to the seaside, by way of change, once 
a year ; but they live there, and go to the City daily. 
The grand tour of our forefathers consisted in visiting the 
principal cities of Europe. It was a great effort, occupied 
a vast deal of time, cost a large sum of money, and was 
oftener attended with danger than advantage. It com- 
prised what was then called, the world : whoever had per- 
formed it was said to have ' seen the world,' and all that 
it contained worth seeing. The Grand Tour now means 
a voyage round the globe, and he who has not made it 
has seen nothing. I do not say that a man must ne- 
cessarily be much the wiser for the circumnavigation. 

It was remarked of Lord Anson, that he had been three 
times round the world, but never once in it. But, in his 
case, the expression was used in a two-fold sense, namely, 
the globe itself, and the people that dwell on it. If 
travel does not impart wisdom, which it ought to do, it 
should at least confer the semblance of it, as we may 
infer from the phrase, ' he looks as wise as the monkey 
that had seen the world.' Men who miss the reality, ape 
the appearance. A Fez cap, and an Albanian cloak, 
have a classical look, and remind you of Byron, and his 
romantic love for modern Greece, and it is easier to wear 
them than to quote Gladstone's Homer. A wide-awake, 
a grizzly beard, and a gold chain, as massive as a sub- 
marine cable, smack of the Australian Diggings ; and a 
cinnamon walking-stick, as heavy as an Irishman's shille- 
lagh, shows that the Melbourne traveller has visited 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 6 

Ceylon on his way home. A Kossuth hat, with a buckle 
in front as large as that on a coach-trace, a bowie knife, 
or Arkansas toothpick, inserted like a carpenter's rule 
into the seam of the leg of the trousers, a pair of long 
India-rubber boots, and a figured calico shirt-front, half 
concealed by a Poncho cape, the breast of which discloses 
a revolver, are hieroglyphic characters, that, duly inter- 
preted, mean California. The French hat, the extreme 
coat, and the peg-top trousers, bespeak the British raw 
material, got up at Paris. Everybody wishes to be 
thought to have travelled, and those who have been 
unable to enrich their minds, seldom fail to exhibit their 
foreign spoils on their persons. All this, however, is 
becoming obsolete. Everybody travels now ; and it is 
no more distinction to have crossed the Andes, to have 
visited Japan, or to have effected the Arctic Passage, 
than to have ascended the dome of St. Paul's. There is 
nothing new under the sun. The visible objects of 
nature, under their varying aspects, are familiar to us all. 
We must, at last, turn to what we ought to have studied 
first — ourselves. ' The proper study of mankind is man.' 
I have myself lately returned from making the grand 
tour. I have not seen all the world, but I have looked 
at a great part of it ; and if I am not much wiser for my 
travels at present, I flatter myself it is because I have not 
been able to apply the information I have gained, by 
comparing what I have seen with what I knew before I 
set out, and what I find, on my return, to be the con- 
dition of my own country. There are some things not 
very easy to realize. I find it difficult to believe that I 
am at last safe at home, and still more so, that I have 
actually performed this circumnavigation. Here I am, 
however, at Southampton at last ; but every morning I 
feel as if it was time to move on : the propulsion is on 

b2 



4 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

me, and I cannot stop. I go to London, and as soon as I 
reach it the same restlessness seizes me, and I feel impelled 
to return. The safest as well as the pleasantest way to 
ease the speed is to lower the steam, until motion shall 
gradually cease. I have taken a Season-Ticket, and 
shall travel to and from London, until the monotony 
wearies me, and I can again enjoy home. I shall occupy 
myself in noting down whatever I hear and see, and in 
studying the characters of those I meet. I shall compare 
civilized with uncivilized man, and I feel already that the 
very possession of the means of comparison is of itself one 
great benefit I have derived from travelling. 

Last week I varied the scene, by accompanying my old 
college friend Cary, to Monkstown, in Ireland. While 
he was employed in negociating some business of im- 
portance, I amused myself by exploring the various 
objects of interest in the neighbourhood. As I have 
already observed, I have visited many parts of the world, 
and seen much beautiful scenery ; but take it all in all, or, 
as the Yankees say, ' every which way you can fix it,' I 
know nothing superior to that which is presented to the 
tourist, in a sail from the entrance of Queenstown to the 
city of Cork. An uninvited and unwelcome guest, on 
his arrival at a country house in England, expatiated on 
the splendid views he had seen on his journey thither, and 
when asked by which road he had travelled, was very 
significantly informed that he would pass through a much 
more lovely country on his return that afternoon, if he 
took another, and a shorter route, that was pointed out 
to him. 

Unlike my gruff and inhospitable countryman, I advise 
you, when at Cork, to remain there, till you have ' done ' 
the city, and its environs, and then to sail down the river, 
that you may behold the same objects you had previously 



AN EVENING AT CORK. O 

seen, from a different point of view. It is difficult to say 
whether the ascent or descent is most beautiful ; but on 
the whole, I give the preference to the former, on account 
of the magnificent panorama which so suddenly bursts on 
your astonished view, as you enter the harbour from the 
sea. Nor is the climate of this lovely locality less ad- 
mirable than its scenery ; it is so soft, so mild, and so 
genial in winter, and so temperate and salubrious in 
summer. No foreign watering places that I am acquainted 
with are to be compared with those on the Lee for 
invalids. 

There is only one thing I do not like here, and as I am 
a discriminating traveller, and endeavour to be impartial 
and just, I must enter my protest, and then pass on. 
When we cast anchor near the Flag-ship of the Admiral, 
I desired a boatman to take me to ' Cove/ ' Sure,' said 
he, ' your honour is in Cove now.' ' Yes,' I replied, ' I 
know that, but I want to land at Cove,' pointing to the 
beautiful town that rose, terrace above terrace, from the 
water's edge to the summit of the hill that protects and 
shelters the magnificent sheet of water, which it proudly 
overlooks. 

' Ah, yer honour, it's no longer the Cove any more ; it's 
Queenstown it's called now, ever since her Majesty the 
Queen landed here. Just as the fine ould harbour, 
Dunleary, near Dublin, was christened Kingstown, in 
honour of the visit of an English king that is dead and 
gone. Ah, yer honour,' he said, with a sigh, 'we 
hardly know our own names now-a-days.' 

I sympathize with poor Pat. ' The Cove of Cork ' is 
known all over the world. Every map, chart, and 
nautical vocabulary contains a registry of it, and no Act 
of Parliament, Proclamation, or Gazette, will ever ob- 
literate it from Jack's memory, or poor Pat's either. And 



b THE SEASON-TICKET. 

besides all this, its new appellation is an unmeaning one. 
All the towns in the Empire are the Queen's, and * all 
that in them is,' God bless her ! and in after days the 
people of this place will know as little which Queen did 
them the honour to visit them, as my ' Covey ' did which 
sovereign adopted Kingstown as his own. Our North 
American friends have better taste ; they are everywhere 
restoring the ancient Indian names. Toronto has super- 
seded York, and Sissiboo, Weymouth ; even Halifax, for- 
getful of its patron, desires to be known as Chebuctoo ; 
while the repudiating Yankees are equally ambitious that 
their far-famed city, New York, should be called Man- 
hattan. 

My object, however, is not to detain you longer on the 
banks of the lovely Lee, but to introduce you to the 
smoking-room of the Imperial Hotel at Cork. 

I like a smoking-room, first, because I am uncommonly 
fond of a cigar (and there are capital ones to be had at 
the Imperial, as you may suppose from the numerous 
friends of old Ireland that reside in America); and 
secondly, because there is a freemasonry in smoking, not 
that it possesses secrets of a dangerous nature, but that it 
incites and promotes conversation. It is freemasonry 
without its exclusiveness. Its sign is the pipe or the 
cigar, its object good fellowship. Men sometimes quarrel 
over their cups, over their pipes, never. The Indians of 
America always commenced their councils with the 
calumet. It gave them time to arrange their thoughts, 
and its soothing effect on their nerves predisposed them to 
peace. When I was a boy, I always waited till I saw my 
father in the full enjoyment of his pipe, before I asked 
any little favour I was desirous of obtaining from him. A 
man who is happy himself, is willing to contribute to the 
happiness of others. 



/& 



AN EVENING AT CORK. / 

To a traveller smoking is invaluable. It is a com- 
panion in his solitary hours ; it refreshes him when 
fatigued ; it assuages the cravings of hunger ; it purifies 
the poisonous atmosphere of infected places, whether 
jungles or cities. It conciliates strangers, it calms 
agitation, and makes you feel all the resignation and all 
the charities of a Christian. The knowledge of this 
precious plant, Tobacco, and its many virtues, is one of 
the advantages we derive from travelling. 

Before I proceed further, gentle reader, let me tell you, 
there are three things I recommend to your notice in 
visiting Ireland. If you are an admirer of beautiful 
scenery, go to the Cove of Cork. If you want a good 
hotel, go to the Imperial ; if you want good tobacco, go 
to the smoking-room there. I may add also, you will 
find more than good pipes and cigars, for you will meet 
with a vast deal of amusement, as some droll fellows do 
congregate there. On this occasion when I visited this 
6 cloud-capped ' scene, two strangers sauntered into the 
room, and drawing chairs to my table, on which the 
light was placed, at once entered into conversation, with 
all the ease of old stagers. They were evidently Yankees. 
One was a tall, thin, sallow man, at least as far as I 
could judge of his complexion, for he sported a long 
beard and a profusion of hair on his face. He was 
dressed in black, the waistcoat being of a shining satin, 
surmounted by several coils of gold chain, and his coat, 
(something between a jacket and a frock,) having capa- 
cious side pockets, into each of which was deposited a 
hard, rough fist. His neckcloth was a loose tie, which 
was graced by a turn-down collar, and fringed by a 
semicircular belt of hair, that in its turn overlaid it. 
His hat was low-crowned, the rim of which curled 



O THE SEASON-TICKET. 

into rolls at the sides, and projected before and be- 
hind into peaks, not unlike those of a travelling cap. 
His boots were canoe-shaped, long and narrow, and 
upturned in front, giving you the idea of a foot that 
had no toes. As he seated himself at the table, he took 
off his hat, and from among some loose papers col- 
lected a few stray cigars, which he deposited on the 
table. Lighting one of them, he handed another to me, 
saying, 

' Stranger, will you try one of mine ? they are rael 
right down genuine Havannahs, and the flavour is none 
the worse for not paying duty, I guess. They ain't 
bad.' 

Then turning to his companion, he said, 
' Ly, won't you cut in and take a hand ?' 
' Ly/ whom I afterwards discovered to be the Honour- 
able Lyman Boodle, a senator from Michigan, and a 
colleague of General Cass, the American Secretary of 
State for Foreign Affairs, was a sedate-looking person, as 
a senator ought to be. He was a smooth-faced, well- 
shaven man, with an expression of complacency that 
seemed to indicate he was at peace with himself and all 
the world. He was dressed like a Methodist preacher, 
in a plain suit of black, and sported a whitey- brown 
choker of the orthodox shape and tie. It was manifest he 
was a person of importance, both wise and circumspect, 
a statesman, and a divine, and equally respectable as an 
orator and a preacher. It is difficult to imagine a 
greater contrast than that existing between these two 
countrymen and friends. One was a rollicking, noisy, 
thoughtless fellow, caring little what he said or did, up to 
anything and equal to everything ; the other, a wise and 
sententious man, with a mind intent on great things, the 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 9 

greatest of which was probably the presidential chair of 
the United States. 

* Let's liquor, Ly/ said the tall one ; ' what do you 
ambition? Shall it be whisky, ale, rum, brandy, gin, 
or what not, for they hain't no compounds here, no mint 
juleps, cocktails, sherry cobblers, gum ticklers, phlegm 
cutters, chain lightning, or sudden death. Simples is what 
they go on, they don't excel in drinks, they have no skill in 
manufacturing liquids. The Irish can't eat nothing but 
tators, and drink nothing but whisky, and talk nothing but 
priests and patriots, ructions and repeals. They don't do 
nothen like nobody else. Their coats are so long they drag 
on the ground, like the tail of a Nantucket cow, which is 
so cussed poor that she can't hold it up, and their trousers 
are so short they don't reach below their knees, with two 
long strings dangling from them that are never tied, and 
three buttons that never felt an eyelet hole ; and wear 
hats that have no roofs on 'em. The pigs are fed in the 
house, and the children beg on the road. They won't 
catch fish for fear they would have to use them in Lent, 
nor raise more corn than they eat, for fear they would 
have to pay rent. They sit on their cars sideways, like a 
gall on a side-saddle, and never look ahead, so they see 
but one side of a thing, and always act and fight on one 
side ; there is no two ways about them. And yet, hang 
me if I don't like them, take them by and large, better 
than the English, who are as heavy and stupid as the 
porter they guzzle all day — who hold their chins so 
everlastin' high, they don't see other folks' toes they are 
for ever a-treadin' on — who are as proud as Lucifer, and 
ape his humility ; as rich as Croesus, and as mean as a 
Jew ; talking from one year's eend to another of educating 
the poor, and wishing the devil had flown away with Dr. 
Faustus before he ever invented types ; praising us for 

b3 



10 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

ever, and lamenting Columbus hadn't gone to the bottom 
of the sea, instead of discovering America ; talking of 
reform from July to etarnity, and asking folks if they 
don't hope they may get it ; annoying every ' 

' Hush, Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, casting a fur- 
tive glance at me, fearing I might take offence ; * pray 
don't go ahead that way, you might, you know, come into 
collision, and who knows which may get the worst of that ? 
Folk don't like to hear their country abused arter that 
fashion ; it don't convene to good manners, and the 
amenities of life. For my part, I think the Irish are a 
very sharp people.' ' Sharp,' said the other, ' why there 
is nothen sharp on this side the water, unless it's a police- 
man. Why, stranger,' he continued, addressing me, 
6 all natur's sharp in America— the frost is sharp, the 
knives are sharp, the men are sharp, the women are sharp, 
and if they ain't, their tongues be, everything is sharp 
there. Why my father's vinegar was so cussed sharp, 
the old gentleman shaved with it once ; he did upon my 
soul. Ah, here is the waiter ! I say, Mister, whisky for 
three. That fellow don't know the word Mister, I'll be 
darned if he does. He puts me in mind of a Patlander, 
a friend of mine hired here lately. Last month, Gineral 
Sampson Dove, of Winnepusa, married the darter of the 
American iTeounsel (consul) to Dublin, Miss Jemima 
Fox. Did you ever see her, stranger ?' 

' Never/ I said. 

' Well,' he replied, ' that's a cruel pity, for you would 
have seen a peeler, I tell you — a rael corn-fed gall, and 
no mistake. Just what Eve was, I guess, when she walked 
about the garden, and angels came to see her, and wished 
they had flesh and blood like her, and weren't so ever- 
lastin' thin and vapoury, like sunbeams. Lick ! man, 
she was a whole team, and a dog under the waggon, I 



AN EVENING AT CORK. , 11 

tell you. Well, they first went to Killarney, on a wed- 
ding tower, and after they had stared at that lovely place, 
till they hurt their eyes, they came down here, to see the 
Groves of Blarney, and what not. Well, the Gineral 
didn't want folks to know they were only just married, for 
people always run to the winders and doors, to look at a 
bride, as if she was a bird that was only seen once in a 
hundred years, and was something that was uncommon 
new to look upon. It's onconvenient, that's a fact, and it 
makes a sensing, delicate-minded gall feel as awkward 
as a wrong boot. So says the Gineral to Pat, " Pat," 
says he, " don't go now, and tell folks we are only just 
married, lie low, and keep dark, will you, that's a good 
fellow." " Bedad," says Pat, "never fear, yer honner, the 
divil a much they'll get out of me, I can tell you. Let 
me alone for that, I can keep a secret as well as ever a 
priest in Ireland." Well, for all that, they did stare, in 
a way that was a caution to owls, and no mistake, and 
well they might too, for it ain't often they saw such a gall 
as Miss Jemima, I can tell you, though the Irish galls 
warn't behind the door neither when beauty was given out, 
that's a fact. At last the Gineral see something was in 
the wind, above common, for the folks looked amazed in 
the house, and they didn't seem over half pleased either. 
So says he, one day, " Pat," says he, " I hope you did 
not tell them we were only just married, did you?" 
" Tell them you was just married, is it, yer honner," said 
he, "let me alone for that! They were mighty in- 
quisitive about it, and especially the master, he wanted 
to know all about it entirely, " Married, is it," says I, 
" why they ain't married at all, the divil a parson ever said 
grace over them ! But, I'll tell you what (for I was 
determined it was but little truth he'd get out of me,) — I'll 
tell you what," says I, "if you won't repeat it to nobody, 



12 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

They are goin to be married in about a fortnight, for I 
heard them say so this blessed day, with my own ears." 
If the Gineral wasn't raving, hopping mad, it ain't no 
matter. In half an hour, he and his wife were on board 
the steamer for England, and Pat is in bed here yet, from 
the licking he got. It ain't clear to me, if he ever will 
see his error, for both his eyes are knocked into one, and 
all he can perceive are a thousand sparks of fire before 
him, as if he was looking down the chimney of a black- 
smith's shop. Come, Ly, I like your calling such a fellow 
as that sharp. But 'spose we try the whisky.' 

In the course of conversation (if such rhodomontade 
can be called conversation) allusion was made to Vancou- 
ver's Island, which I have always regretted I had not 
seen. I had visited California, but as this new colony 
was not then either settled, or much known, I went from 
San Francisco to the Sandwich Islands, and it is only since 
my return that it has become an object of such universal 
interest. Wishing for information, I applied to the Sena- 
tor, instead of Mr. Peabody, as I knew he was more 
likely to talk to the point than the other. ' Yes,' he said, 
? 1 have but recently come from there ; I can tell you all 
about it It is, to my mind, the most important spot in 
the whole world, and will affect and control the commerce 
of the greatest, part of it.' ' May I ask,' I said, ' what is 
the geographical extent of the island ?' ' It is as large as 
apiece of chalk,' said his tall friend. * Do be quiet, 
Peabody,' said the Senator ; ' there is a time for all things, 
but you find time for only one, and that is nonsense.' 
* Well, stranger,' said the incorrigible joker, 'if you don't 
like a piece of chalk for a measure, and I think it's a 
capital one, for it may be as small as what a carpenter 
carriei in his pocket, or as big as the Leviathan, I'll tell 
you its exact size. It's as big as all out-doors, and you 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 13 

know how big that is, and if you don't (for Britishers are 
everlastin' pitikilar), I'll go and get you my map ;' saying 
which, he left the room on his well-meant errand. ' That's 
a droll fellow/ said the Senator ; ' but he is not the fool 
you take him for ; there is more in him than there ap- 
pears to be. By that free-and-easy way, and his strange 
talk, he induces people to converse, and while they are 
amusing themselves with him, he contrives to learn from 
them all that they know, and all they think upon any 
particular subject he is interested in. Bear with him, 
and he will give you information on any subject whatever 
connected with North America. Vancouver's Island,' he 
continued, ' is about 270 miles long, and, on an average, 
from forty to fifty miles broad. Its greatest breadth is 
seventy miles, and its least twenty-eight ; while in one 
place it is nearly intersected by water, the portage being 
only eight miles. Its size is, however, of little consequence, 
as the adjoining territory of the English on the mainland 
of British Columbia is boundless in extent. It is its position, 
its harbours, its coal, its fisheries, and its political and com- 
mercial importance that render it so invaluable. From 
San Francisco to the Russian boundary it contains the only 
secure harbour in a distance of several thousand miles, 
and even the former is so large, it is by no means safe at 
all times, as it partakes too much of the character of a 
roadstead. Whoever owns Vancouver's Island must 
command the trade of the Pacific and the East ; I say 
nothing of its lying at the entrance of Frazer's River, and 
receiving the gold from those regions ; that is merely a 
means to an end — I speak of it as the terminus of the 
Great Inter- Oceanic Railway. The harbour of Esqui- 
mault, on the Pacific, corresponds in every particular 
with the noble port of Halifax, Nova Scotia, on the 
Atlantic. The railway from the latter to the boundary 



14 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

of New Brunswick, is now nearly finished, and in a year 
or two will connect with the Canadian line below Quebec, 
when an uninterrupted communication will be completed 
from Halifax to Lake Superior. It will then require to 
be continued from thence to Vancouver's Island, and you 
will have an overland route from the Atlantic to the Pa- 
cific, lying wholly through British territory. Already the 
Canadians are opening the way through the Red River 
and Winipeg territory, by connecting the lakes and rivers 
on the line of traffic, by good portages, by placing steamers 
on the former and railways on the latter, so as to render 
the passage short, easy, and expeditious. This is the first 
step towards the completion of that grand railway line 
that is to be the route from Europe to China, Japan, the 
Sandwich Islands, Australia, and the East. The country 
between Lake Superior and the Pacific is of a nature to 
support countless millions of inhabitants, while its vast 
internal navigation, like that of Canada, supplies means 
of transport unknown in any other part of the world. It 
is not the size of Vancouver's Island, therefore, that is of 
importance ; it is its political, geographical, and commer- 
cial position that we must regard/ 

' Zactly,' said Mr. Peabody, who now returned with 
the map, and spread it out on the table. ' Zactly, Ly ; 
now you have hit the nail on head, smack,' and, suiting 
the action to the word, he hit the palm of his left hand a 
blow with his right fist, that made a noise precisely like 
that occasioned by a hammer. ' That's the ticket ! Ly 
warn't born yesterday ; stranger, he has a large mind, sir. 
It's like a surveyor's tape-box, take hold of the ring, sir, 
give it a pull, and out comes a hundred yards, all marked 
and dotted into inches and feet — there is no mistake in 
him, he is as exact as a sum proved by algebry ; but it 
ain't every one he lets put his finger into the tape-ring 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 15 

and draw him out, I can tell you. He knows how to 
keep his clam-shell shut, when he don't think proper to 
let on. Yes, Sirree — he is right. The largest city in 
the world will be in Esquimault and Victoria, for it will 
cover both harbours, and the neck of land between them. 
And see where it lies ! not in the frozen North, or in the 
brilin' South, but between the parallels 48 and 51 North 
Latitude, and in West Longitude between 123 and 128, 
which is as near perfection -on that warm sea as anything 
this side of Paradise can be. For it's tropical enough 
for oranges, and North enough for potatoes : and both 
are so large, so fine, and so plenty, they ain't to be ditto'd 
nowhere. The reason I compared it to a piece of chalk, 
stranger, was because I didn't know whether you could 
grasp the subject or not, but I perceive you can see as 
far into a millstone as them that picked the hole into it.' 

' What is the nature of the soil, is that good ?' ' Well, 
it's like little England, which the bragging English call 
Great Britain, some good, some indifferent, and some 
everlastin' bad. But what's good, beats all natur'. I 
triegl it once, when I was there prospectin, that is, looking 
out for land to speculate in : well, the vessel I came in 
had been formerly in the guano trade, and I scooped out 
of the hold about a handful of that ere elixir of vegetation, 
and went and strewed some on the ground, and sowed a 
few cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable 
tired when I had done it, for I had to walk ever so far 
round, like a lawyer examinin' of a witness, not to let 
folks see what I was a doin' of ; and when I had done, I 
just took a stretch for it, under a great pine tree, and 
took a nap. Stranger ! as true as I am talking to you 
this here blessed minit, when I woke up, I was bound as 
tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and 
tied fast to the tree. I thought I never should get out of 



16 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

that scrape, the cucumber vines had grown and twisted so 
round and round me and my legs while I was asleep ! 
Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack- 
knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out — no 
easy job, either, I can tell you — and off for Victoria again, 
hot-foot. When I came into the town, says our Captain 
to me, " Peabody, what in natur' is that ere great yaller 
thing that's a sticking out of your pocket ?" " Nothin'," 
sais I, looking as amazed as a puppy nine days old, when 
he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I 
put in my hand to feel ; and, upon my soul, I pulled out 
a great big, ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened 
and gone to seed there. Now, that's what guano did for 
the soil, stranger. Capital and labour will do the same 
for the colony : it will grow as fast as that ere cucumber 
did.' 

1 And look seedy as soon,' said I. 'Stranger,' he 
replied, with a loud laugh, ' you may take my hat, I owe 
you a chalk for that. Let's liquor. Waiter, whisky for 
three.' 

' Do be quiet, Peabody,' said the Senator. ' At all 
times and under any circumstances, sir, this island was so 
important, that it is astonishing the British Government 
could have suffered it to remain for so long a period in 
the paralysing gra^p of the Hudson's Bay Company. But 
now that steam has superseded canvas, where else on the 
whole Western coast of America is there a place to be 
found, with such harbours, and such extensive and va- 
luable coal-fields? The coal at Ninaimo, which is of 
excellent quality, is found within a few yards of the water 
side, and vessels drawing sixteen feet can anchor close to 
the shore. The coal consists of two seams, each six feet 
thick, overlaying each other at a short distance, and is in 
sufficient quantity to supply, for ages to come, all the 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 17 

demands of domestic or foreign consumption, of commerce, 
or manufactures. There is excellent anchorage in all 
parts of the harbour of Nanaimo, which is commodious, 
and sheltered from all winds ; and as there is a rise and 
fall of fifteen feet, at spring tides, and the bottom is soft 
clay, it forms an excellent careening ground for vessels, 
and presents many of the advantages of a graving dock. 
The timber on the island is, in many parts, of a most 
superior quality for masts, spars, or piles. Many of the 
trees growing in the rich valleys attain a height of two 
hundred and fifty feet, and a circumference of forty-two 
feet at the butt.' 

' Pray, what is the name of that tree/ I said. 

* It is called the Abies Nobilis.' 

' Stranger,' said Mr. Peabody, ' I see you lift your 
eyebrows at that, as if you wanted an affidavit to the fact. 
I'll tell you where to prospect for them granadiers. Go 
to Stoke Harbour and you will find lots. of them, as stiff 
and tall as church steeples. Lord, I shall never forget 
the first time I see them. I paid a crittur, called Spencer 
Temple, a broken-down English lawyer, five pounds to 
show me the locations. When we returned to Victoria, 
the varmint spent the whole of the money in brandy, until 
he was a caution to sinners to behold. At last I got him 
up to my room, and had a bed made for him in one corner. 
Well, one night the crittur bounced out of bed, in a ravin', 
tarin' fit, and standin' up in his shirt tail before my sea 
chest, which he took for a judge, sais he, making a low 
bow to it, " My lord," said he, " I must apologise to you 
for appearing before you without my coat and trousers, 
but a Yankee loafer, of the name of Peabody, has stolen 
them." " You miserable skunk/' sais I, " I'd cowhide you 
if you were worth the leather, but you ain't. Your mother 
don't know you. Your skin is too loose for you, the galls 



18 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

don't like you, and what's more, you are a cussed bad 
bake into the bargain. Take that," says I, fetchin' him a 
wipe across his back with my shot-bag. With that, he 
jumped up on eend till his head struck the ceilin', and 
then, fallin' on his knees, and holdin' up both his hands, 
he said, " My lord, I plead guilty, and throw myself on 
the mercy of the court — I will read an affidavit in mitiga- 
tion of punishment." " Into bed with you," sais I ; and I 
up with him in my arms, and forced him in, and then 
made him swaller a glass of brandy and laudanum. I 
had a tempestical time with him, I tell you.' 

' The Fisheries,' continued the Senator, ' are on a scale 
that is almost incredible. In August and September, the 
water is literally alive with salmon, of which there are 
seven distinct kinds. They are fine large fish, sometimes 
weighing from fifty to sixty pounds, and, on an average, 
thirty of them, when cured, fill a barrel. Enormous 
quantities are caught by the Indians, who sell them to 
the Hudson's Bay Company, by whom they are exported 
to the Sandwich Islands, San Francisco, and the Spanish 
main. Herrings are also taken in immense numbers, 
likewise cod and halibut. In short, as regards the fishery, 
Vancouver's Island is to the Pacific what Newfoundland 
is to the Atlantic. The native hemp of the country has 
been proved, both in New York and New Orleans, to be 
superior to that of Russia. To all these advantages, 
which would be otherwise useless, we must add the 
harbours. I say nothing of those on the Sound and Straits 
(and they are very numerous), but I speak of Esquimault 
and Victoria, which are only three miles distant from each 
other by water, and at one point only separated by a strip 
of land six hundred yards wide. Esquimault is a circular 
bay or basin, hollowed by nature out of the solid rock. 
Sailing through a narrow entrance between two low, rocky 



AN EVENING AT CORK.. 19 

promontories you suddenly enter a land-locked harbour, 
that looks like a lake in a pine forest. It affords good 
anchorage, is very capacious, and has a depth of from five 
to eight fathoms of water. The environs are admirably 
suited for a city, and the entrance is so constructed by 
nature, that it can be easily fortified. The adjoining 
harbour of Victoria, where the capital is situated, though 
smaller, and not so deep, is admitted by all who have seen 
it, to present the most beautiful plateau for a city in the 
world, which, as I have already said, will, at no distant 
day, cover the whole promontory that separates it from 
the other and larger port, and present the singular 
spectacle of a town having two harbours and two entrances. 
I have told you (but I must repeat it, for it is most im- 
portant to remember), that these two places, Esquimault 
and Victoria, or, perhaps, I might designate both as 
Victoria Bay, offer, with the exception of smaller ones, 
belonging to Vancouver, the only safe and approachable 
harbour, for several thousand miles of coast. I have 
hitherto spoken to you of the Island, without reference to 
British Columbia ; I have alluded merely to itself, its 
resources, and its climate ; but when you consider its 
position in reference to the main land, the fertile region of 
Frazer's River and Columbia, the Saskatchewan, the Red 
River, and the Canadas, and view it as the terminus of a 
line of railway from Halifax, Nova Scotia, on the Atlantic, 
and the centre of the trade of the East, you feel as if you 
required to pause and consider the subject in all its bear- 
ings, before you can at all appreciate the influence this 
young England is to exercise on the destinies of the world.' 
' Hear him, stranger/ said Peabody, ' do for goodness 
gracious sake, now, just hear him ; how good he talks, 
don't he ? what a candid man he is, ain't he ? Ly, you 
do beat the devil ! Stranger ! he is only a bammin of 



20 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

you ; he knows as well as I do, we must 'nex it ; we can't 
help it, no how we can fix it. Go on, and lay your rail- 
way, build the city, open the trade, erect churches, and 
appoint a bishop, make the dock-yards, construct the forts, 
and when you have done, let us know, and we will 'nex it. 
We can't afford to let you hold it, no more than we can 
afford to let Spain hold Cuby. We want them, and what 
we want we must have — that's a fact. It's contrary to the 
Munro doctrine, and the American destiny, that foreigners 
should plant new colonies in America. The first time 
you are engaged in war with some continental power, our 
people will go over there in shoals, call a public meeting, 
declare the place independent, hoist our noble goose and 
gridiron flag, and ask Congress to be 'nexed to the greatest 
nation in all creation ! ! We shall then acknowledge the 
country as independent, and as a great favour, 'nex it, 
and receive its members into Congress, and how can you 
stop us ? It ain't in the natur of things you can.' 

' My good friend,' I said, ' although I have never been at 
Vancouver's Island, I am well acquainted with Canada, its 
people, and their loyal feeling. They now number three 
millions, which is about the extent of the population of 
the old colonies, when they revolted, and achieved their 
independence. If at that time you were able successfully 
to resist the whole force of Great Britain, I assure you 
the Canadians are fully competent to defend their ter- 
ritory, and resolved to do so against aggression. They 
have not only no desire for annexation with the United 
States, but would consider it a great misfortune ; nor do 
I believe the acquisition of British North America is de- 
sired by the intelligent portion of your people, even if 
it were practicable. There may be some excuse for your 
desiring an increase of territory on the south, as your 
commerce and peace are both endangered and disturbed 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 21 

by the repeated revolutions among your Mexican neigh- 
bours, who are equally unable to govern themselves, or 
protect the lives and property of foreigners, who are re- 
sident among them. The inhabitants of British North 
America would deeply deplore a severance of the con- 
nexion with Great Britain ; and if such an event should 
ever occur, it will not arise from the annexation or con- 
quest of their country by you, nor from a successful con- 
test with the parent state, but from the natural course of 
events, in which colonies become too populous to be de- 
pendent, and their interests too complicated and important 
to be regulated otherwise than on the spot, by entire self- 
government. And be assured, that if they do become in- 
dependent, it will be by the mutual consent and good-will 
of both parties, and, let me add, ,the mutual regret also. 
Indeed, now that steam has bridged the Atlantic, and the 
electric telegraph annihilated distance, I cannot conceive 
how a separation can conduce to the interests of either 
party. The topic is not an agreeable one ; suppose we 
discuss it no farther.' 

1 1 entirely agree with you,' said the Senator. ' Noisy 
demagogues may boast and brag about our destiny, but 
no sensible man among us desires the incorporation of 
British North America into our federal union. We have 
as much territory as we can govern ; and, as Vancouver's 
Island will be the great naval station of England on the 
Pacific, it will be as easily defended as any other portion 
of the empire. The system of government in the British 
Provinces is, in many respects, different from ours ; and 
we may both borrow from each other many instructive 
lessons. We must take care that a colony does not ex- 
hibit more real freedom, more respect for the laws, and 
more security for life and property than our great Re- 
public; while the Provincial Government must be equal!} 



22 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

careful that their institutions are of a kind not to engender 
among its people a feeling of inferiority to their neigh- 
bours, or a desire to acquire rights which are enjoyed on 
the other side of their border, but withheld from them. 
As it is, your taxes, both municipal and colonial, are in- 
finitely less than ours. We are content, and I am not 
aware that we could improve our condition. Go on and 
prosper. The happier you are, the better neighbours you 
will be to us ; and the more prosperous you become, the 
more intimate and valuable will be our commercial rela- 
tions. There is room for us both. As a proof of what I 
have said, so soon as your great railway line shall have 
been completed from Lake Superior to the Pacific, our 
China trade will pass through it as far as Red River, 
where a diverging branch will convey our goods and pas- 
sengers to St. Paul's, in Minnesota, and from thence diffuse 
it over the whole Union. We are both equally interested 
in this route, for all the practicable passes through the 
Rocky Mountains are in British Columbia, and the only 
harbours for large ships are situated in Vancouver's Island. 
One thing is certain, the Australian, Japan, and Sand- 
wich Islands Mails and passengers must pass through 
this line, as well as the traffic to and from China. But, 
tell me, please, how could your government have hermeti- 
cally sealed, for so many years, that fertile and vast 
country lying between Lake Superior and the Pacific ? 
They tell me that that great hunter, called Bear Ellice, 
from the number of bears he has destroyed, who rivals 
Colonel Crockett as a dead shot, and Gordon Cumming 
for his contests with wild beasts, once a Hudson's Bay 
Trapper, but now a member of Parliament, is the man 
who represented the whole territory as a howling wilder- 
ness, frozen forty feet deep in winter, and burnt to a 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 23 

cinder in summer, and frightened Parliament into giving 
his Company the monopoly of the trade/ 

I could hardly refrain from laughing, to hear this 
sensible man talk such nonsense, and fall into such an 
absurd mistake. Neither the English nor Americans un- 
derstand each other ; and both are too apt to give credence 
to the most idle reports, and to impute motives that have 
no existence but in their own imaginations. 

' Mr. Edward Ellice,' I said, ' is no hunter, I assure 
you. He is a large landed proprietor in Canada, and a 
leading partner of the Hudson's Bay Company, as well 
as a conspicuous member of Parliament. Pie is a man of 
great information and much influence, but not dis- 
tinguished, that ever I heard, for personal encounters with 
wild beasts. The sobriquet of " Bear " was given to him 
by his "Whig friends (who are fond' of bestowing nick- 
names) from a certain brusque manner, and an impatience 
of contradiction, though I could never see that he deserved 
it more than any other man of fixed opinions/ 

* Will you swear,' said Peabody, ' he never killed a 
bear V 

6 1 cannot undertake to do that,' I said ; ' but I do not 
believe he ever shot one, nor do I think he ever had the 
opportunity of doing so.' 

' Will you swear he never frightened one to death ? 
because that's the way I am told he got the name of Bear. 
I'll tell you how it was. He was one day out huntin' on 
that everlastin' big swamp, back of Red River, and the 
day was dark and cloudy, and he lost his way ; so down 
he puts his rifle, and up he climbs a great big dead pine 
tree as tall as a factory chimney, to see which course to 
steer. Well, when he got to the top, and surveyed the 
country all round, and see'd where he was, just as he 
turned to descend, he thought he heerd a noise in the tree, 






24 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

and seeing that it was hollow, what does he do hut let 
himself down into it like a sweep ; but, as he got near the 
butt, the size of the hollow increased, so he couldn't 
brace himself no longer, either by his hands or feet, and 
he slipped right down to the bottom chewallop, and what 
should he find there but two young cubs. Well, he gev 
himself up for lost. He knew he couldn't crawl up again ; 
and he knew if the old bear came arter him there would 
be no room to fight her, and he would be chawed up like 
a piece of baccy. Well, while he was thinkin' the matter 
over, all at once he heard an awful grunt, and the place 
grew dismal dark, for the bear was coming down, raving, 
roaring, distracted mad, starn foremost, as bears always 
do. What does he do, when he sees the fix he was in, but 
stand below, and, as the bear was about touchin' bottom 
with her hind legs, he seizes hold of her by the fur of her 
thighs with his hands, gives a tremendous, great, long, 
enduring yell, like a panther, and then seizes the tail in 
his teeth, and bit away like a shark. Up runs the bear 
as fast as she could, dragging Ellice after her, who, when 
he got to the top, gave another nip and another yell, and 
then slid down the tree arter the bear, got hold of his gun, 
and just as he levelled on her, down she dropt dead from 
fright ; so he just skinned her, and made tracks for the 
Fort. Ever arter that they called him " Bear Ellice ;" 
fact, I assure you.' 

' Why, Peabody,' said the Senator, ' that's Colonel 
Crockett's story ; why, surely, you know better than that.' 

i Well,' replied the other, ' so I always thought it was 
the Colonel that performed that are feat, and when I was 
at the diggins to Frazer's River, I told that story one 
night, as Colonel Crockett's, but there wer a Scotchman 
there, a great, tall, raw-boned critter, as hard as a racer 
and as lank as a greyhound, and Scotch like (for they 



AN EVENING AT CORK. 25 

boast of having done every clever thing since the flood), 
he swore it was their great factor and hunter, Ellice, that 
did it. I bet twenty dollars with him on it, and we left 
it to the company to decide, and as there was only seven 
of us in camp, and five were Scotchmen, they gev it 
against me, in course, and I paid down the money, and 
did the thing genteel. Well, plague take the money, I 
don't care for that, but I am proper glad to hear it was 
Crockett arter all, for the credit of our great nation. If 
ever I meet that are great, gaunt Scotchman again, I'll 
take the money out of his pocket, or the valy out of his 
hide ! see if I don't.' 

' Well, well,' said the Senator, * if that don't beat all, 
it's a pity ; how hard it is to believe what you hear, ain't 
it, let your authority be ever so good ? Perhaps, after 
all, the thing never happened to either, and was what we 
call " made out of whole cloth." But that monopoly was 
a foolish thing, and well-nigh cost you the country, for 
had it not been for the discovery of gold at Frazer's River, 
it is probable the whole territory would.have passed by 
possession and squatting into our hands/ ' How is it,' I 
said, * you talk so little about the gold fields ?' ' Be- 
cause,' he replied, ' as I before observed, I consider them 
merely " as the means to an end/' I have been speaking 
of that which depends on industry and enterprise, of per- 
manent intrinsic resources, of a commanding position, of a 
commercial depot, that, with our knowledge of the globe, 
can never be rivalled. The gold deposits will attract the 
population necessary to settle the country, and nurture 
and mature its commerce ; but it has a value far beyond 
" the diggings " that will enrich it for ages after the gold 
fields have been exhausted. I do not undervalue the im- 
mense auriferous deposits of British Columbia. You 
must trust to them to stimulate emigration, but you must 

c 



26 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

look to the country itself to retain the population thus at- 
tracted. The diggers must be fed, and their expenditure 
will support the farmer and the fisherman, until extended 
commerce will require and repay the united efforts of all. 
In a few years the whole face of the country will be 
changed, and communities and cities will start into exist- 
ence as if by magic. The enterprise, science, and energy 
of the West, will require and command the labour of the 
East, and Vancouver will be the centre where the products 
of both hemispheres will be exchanged/ 

' What do you make the distance to be,' I said, ' from 
Liverpool to Vancouver's Island, via Halifax, for much 
of what you say must depend upon that T ' I estimate,' 
he said, * the entire distance at about 5,600 miles — 

MILES. 

Liverpool to Halifax, say 2,466 

From Halifax to Quebec 600 

Thence to Lake Huron, is 500 

Thence to the head of Lake Superior 534 

Thence, via Red River and. diggings to the mouth 

of Frazer's River, on the Pacific 1,500 

5600 
That is, the passage to Halifax will occupy nine days, 
and the journey thence to Vancouver's Island, six days — 
in all, fifteen days to the Pacific from Liverpool. Why, 
sir, I was once fifty-five days in a sailing-vessel, 
making the voyage from England to Boston. You will 
remember the route, with the exception of the Atlantic, is 
wholly through British America, while the shortest one, 
now in use, through Panama, is 8,200 miles, being 2,600 
miles longer than by the Canadian route. From Vancou- 
ver's Island to Canton, the distance is 6,900 miles, and to 
Sydney, 8,200. Thus, the saving in distance is such that 
the mails can be conveyed to Australia in ten days less 
than by Panama, while the journey to Pekin can be per- 



AN EVENING AT COEK. 27 

formed in thirty days. But enough has been said ; you 
have the shortest possible route, and the most practicable, 
through your own territory, from one ocean to the other, 
the finest harbours in the world (Halifax and Es- 
quimault), abundance of coal at the termini, and the 
most direct communication with all the eastern world. 
With the exception of the sea voyages, you can proceed 
from London to the Himalaya mountains on the borders 
of China, through British possessions. And now, what do 
you say to the route to bed ?' ' Good night, and good- 
bye,' I said ; * I have to thank you for a very agreeable 
and instructive evening, and am sorry we must part so 
soon. I embark for Southampton to-morrow ; here is my 
address ; I shall be happy to see you there.' 

* Thank you,' he replied ; * we shall find ourselves 
there next week, and hope to have the pleasure of meeting 
you again.' 

' Stranger,' said Mr. Peabody, as he shook me by the 
hand, ' you were not born yesterday, I guess. I was only 
sparrin', and had the gloves on. If I hit you, it was only 
a poke given in fun. Good night ;' and as he emptied 
his glass, he added, ' Here's to our next meeting, when- 
ever and wherever that may be.' 



c2 



( 28 ) 



No. II. 

WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 

The older I grow the less reliance I place on circum- 
stantial, or what lawyers call presumptive evidence. This, 
we are told, is founded upon the connexion which human 
experience demonstrates usually to exist between certain 
facts and circumstances and certain other events. When 
the one occurs, the others are presumed to accompany 
them, almost as a matter of course. The probability is so 
strong in some cases, that they say it creates a moral 
conviction. In my opinion, this ought not to be called a 
presumption of law, but a piece of presumption in lawyers. 
Nothing can be more unsafe or uncertain than this mode 
of drawing conclusions from probabilities ; for my expe- 
rience accords with that of Roche foucault, who maintains 
that ' what is probable seldom happens.' 

Indeed, it appears to me sometimes as if everybody and 
everything in the world was perverse. Few things turn 
out as you expect. No one does what he is desired to 
do ; even if he complies with an order he fails to execute 
it in the manner and at the time prescribed. Our best- 
laid plans are frustrated, and our fondest hopes destroyed ; 
' The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the 
strong.' If you wish to exhibit a child to advantage it is 
sure to misbehave ; if you are anxious to show the walk- 
ing or trotting powers of a horse, he obstinately refuses 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 29 

to use either pace, but persists in breaking into a canter ; 
if he has speed, he either won't exert himself, or he bolts, 
and you lose both your patience and your money ; if you 
have a good church living, your son will not take holy 
orders ; and if you have an entailed estate, your wife most 
provokingly presents you with daughters only. Without 
any reasonable cause you dislike the heir presumptive, 
and your life is consumed in vain regrets that your property 
must not only pass away from your family, but go to the 
very person above all others in the world whom you do 
not wish to be your successor. The rector of your parish, 
whom you fondly hoped would be an ally, a confidential 
adviser, and a welcome guest, is a thorn in your side that 
you can neither extract nor endure. He is either a 
Puseyite, who opens the gate, rubs out his Master's marks, 
lets his sheep escape and mix with the flock in the next 
pasture, and is not honest enough to follow them ; or he 
is an ultra Evangelical, who despises all ecclesiastical 
authority, until he becomes a Bishop, when he preaches 
from every text but charity and humility. As a landed 
proprietor, you sometimes think his sermon is personal, 
and is meant for you ; and the congregation seem to be of 
the same opinion, for when he alludes to Ahab coveting 
his neighbour's vineyard, all eyes are turned upon you. 
If, after consulting the moon and the barometer, you give 
a fete champetre, as soon as the company assembles a 
gale of wind arises, prostrates your tents, and the rain 
falls in torrents, driving your dripping guests into the 
house; the piano is appealed to as a last resource, and 
some wicked friend- sings, in mockery of your affliction — 

' There's nae luck about the house.' 
Nor are you less perverse yourself. If you have to rise 
early for a journey you are sure to feel so uncommonly 
sleepy that morning, that you would give all the world 



30 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

for another nap ; if you have a duty to perform., it becomes 
irksome, not because it is difficult, but because it must be 
done ; it is therefore postponed until the latest moment, 
and then something occurs that prevents its being attended 
to at all. Indeed, the events of life, like dreams, appear 
in the words of the old proverb, ' to go by contraries.' 

I have been led into this train of reflection by what 
occurred in the smoking-room at Cork. It was natural 
to suppose that our conversation, as travellers, would 
have turned upon the place we were in, or the country in 
which it was situated ; but instead of that, we transported 
ourselves more than five thousand miles away, and dis- 
coursed upon Vancouver's Island and the Interoceanic 
Railway. It is always so. At sea we never talk of the 
ship, unless it be to ascertain our progress ; and when we 
arrive at the port of our destination, the past, and not the 
present, occupies our attention. The reason we are so 
little improved by our travels is, we allow our thoughts 
to be diverted from the object we had in view when we 
left home. Experience ought to make us wiser ; and I 
shall endeavour hereafter not to fall into a similar error. 
I have neither the station nor the ability to lead conver- 
sation, but I shall strive for the future to turn it to 
topics connected with the country in which I am sojourn- 
ing. But what avail good resolutions ? 

As I have already said, I had just taken a season ticket 
on the line between Southampton and London, and had 
no sooner determined on that mode of amusement, than 
unforeseen circumstances for a time diverted me from my 
plan, and induced me to cross the Channel to Ireland. 

It is not very easy to know one's own mind, but we no 
sooner arrive at a conclusion than the wind veers, and 
we change our course. The South Western Company 
have got my money, and I have my ticket in my pocket. 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 

When shall I use it ? Time alone can answer — I can- 
not. 

On the morning after my accidental meeting with the 
Americans, as related in the last chapter, my friend Cary 
called to say that unforeseen difficulties having arisen to 
prevent the completion of the business on which he had 
come to Ireland, he could not possibly return for several 
days, and he begged me to remain till lie was ready to 
embark. 

' Zackly,' said Mr. Peabody, who just then entered the 
coffee-room — ' Zackly, stranger : hold on by your eyelids 
and belay where you be. Senator and I are going right 
slick off to Killarney, like a streak of greased lightning, 
and will be back agin 'bout the latter eend of the week, 
as sure as rates. S'posen you go with us. It will help 
you to pass the time, and that's better nor being caged 
here like a toad, that's grow'd over when it's asleep with 
bark, and gets coffined in a pine tree. Let's have some 
"walks, talks, and chalks" about the Lakes. Senator 
can talk " Proverbs of Solomon " to you, for he is well 
up in the Book of Wisdom, and the Irish are the boys for 
" Lamentations." It's no wonder they had a famine, when 
the country raises nothen' but grievances, and that's a 
crop that grows spontenaciously here. It covers the moun- 
tains and bogs, and the hills, and the valleys ; it pysons 
the lawns, and it overruns the parks. It spiles the gravel 
walks, and it grows in the pavement of the streets. It's 
like that cussed weed charlock, if you kill one root of it, 
fifty come to the funeral, and a hundred more put in a 
claim to the soil. If you go for to weed it, the Devil 
himself couldn't pull it out without tearing up the wheat 
along with it. But that's neither here nor there. It's 
their business — not ourn ; and my rule is, to let every 
feller skin his own foxes. If an Irishman will fill his 



32 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

knapsack with grievances, he has a right to do so ; he has 
to carry it, and not me. I am looking arter fun, not 
grievances. You are all packed up. S'posen you jine 
Senator and me ? We have both travelled a considerable 
sum. I'll swop many nannygoats with you, and give you 
boot when you tell the best one. Waiter, put the gentle- 
man's plunder and fixins into the car ;' and before I had 
time to reflect, I was off. 

' Quornecunque rapit tempestas, deferor hospes.' 

' Perhaps,' I thought, * it is all for the best ; as I have 
had no opportunity of forming expectations I cannot be 
disappointed.' 

After we had proceeded a short distance, Peabody 
suddenly stood up in the car, and addressing the driver, 
said, ' Hallo ! where under the blessed light of the living 
sun are you a-going to, you scaly son of a sea-sarpint ? 
Didn't I tell you to drive to the Railway ?' 

' Sure, yer honner, isn't it to the rael road I am going 
with yer honner, and his lordship from England there/ 
pointing to me. ' Well, let her went then/ said the 
Yankee, ' for I am wrathy, and if I lose the train, the 
devil a cent will you get out of my pocket, if you take me 
up by the heels and shake me for an hour. Go ahead,' 
and he gave a yell that brought to their feet a dozen men 
in a field, who were lazily contemplating from the ground 
the incredible amount of work they had done that morning. 
The horse started under its influence into a gallop, which 
nearly jerked us off the car, and the driver cast a terrified 
glance at the performer, to ascertain whether or not he 
had the devil for a passenger, for neither he nor any one 
else who had not ascended the head waters of the Missis- 
sippi ever before heard such an unearthly shriek. Then, 
suddenly, seizing the reins, Peabody stopped the horse, 
and said, ' Come now, a joke is a joke, and I have no 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS, 33 

objection to one when I fire it off myself, but I ain't a 
target for every fellow to practise on, I tell you. Now, 
do you know where you are going, you skulpin, you ?' 

' Js it do I know where I am going to ?' 

' Come now, no shuffling, but be straight up and down, 
like a cow's tail. Say yes or no ?' 

' Well, I do, yer honner.' 

< Where to ?' 

' To Killarney. Sure I heard yer honner say you was 
going to Killarney.' 

' Yes, but I didn't tell you to go there. I told you to 
drive to the railway.' 

' And so you are on the rael way, yer honner ; and the 
rael way it is for gentlemen like you to travel where you 
can have the whole carriage to yourselves, and see all the 
country, instead of being shut up like a convict going to 
Spike Island, in that coffin of a box on the" line, where 
you can't see nothen for the smoke and the dust, and 
can't get out to walk up the hills, and stretch your legs, 
let alone have a pipe. Sure it's myself that knows the 
country entirely, every inch of it, far and near ; all that 
you can see, let alone what is out of sight, and the de- 
mesnes, and them that they belong to, forby them that 
was the real owners before the confishcations. Didn't I 
drive the American Ambassador and his niece, God bless 
'em both ; and didn't they bestow their money on the 
poor as free as hail. " Pat," says his lordship to me 
(tho' my name is Larry, for furriners always think an 
Irishman's name is Pat), " take that trifle, my boy," put- 
ting a piece of goold into my hand, that had an aigle on 
it, wid its wings spread out as if it was making for its 
own nest at Killarney — " take that, Pat, and drink to the 
health of the Americans, the friends of old Ireland." ' 

All this, and more, was addressed to Mr. Peabody, 

c3 



34 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

whom the quick-witted driver soon perceived, from his 
pronunciation and manner, to be an American ; nor was 
it thrown away upon him ; it reconciled him to the trick 
that had been played upon him, about the railway station. 
' But,' said he, before he assented to this change of route, 
* how can that horse take so many of us ?' 

' Take so many of yez, is it ? Bedad, he'd take the 
whole of ye, and two more in the well besides, and be 
proud to do it, too. He is worth both of Mike Callaghan's 
nags, who travelled the whole distance with only one leg 
atween the two.' ' How was that ?' said the Yankee. 
1 Why, he rode one of them hisself, and as he didn't set 
sideways like a gall, in coorse there was only one leg 
atween them! l Stranger,' said Peabody, ' you may take 
my hat. Score me down for that ; you have aimed it, 
and I will stand treat. Drive on !' 

It is needless to say that the animal, as Pat knew full 
well, was unequal to the work, and that we had to hire 
relays on the road, to complete our journey. 

It is not my intention to narrate the incidents on the 
way, or to speak of the country through which we passed. 
Guide-books and ' Tours ' innumerable have exhausted 
the subject. Nor shall I attempt to describe the far- 
famed Lakes, and their varied scenery, at once so sublime 
and beautiful. Indeed, had I the inclination, I am free 
to confess I have not the power to do so. I had seen Kil- 
larney before on several occasions, and every time came 
away more and more impressed with its singular beauty. 
No description I have ever read conveys an adequate idea 
of the exquisite scenery, and no place I am acquainted 
with in any part of the world can at all be compared with 
it. The American lakes are in general too tame and 
isolated, and those of Canada too large. There is 
nothing like Killarney of its kind. It is unique. The 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 35 

English lakes, lovely though they undoubtedly be, are on 
a different scale ; and much of the interest attached to the 
Scotch is poetical and adventitious. Killarney is as dis- 
similar as it is superior to them all. And now that it is 
so accessible, and the hotel accommodation is so good, it 
argues either great prejudice or want of taste in English 
tourists to leave it unvisited. 

The Senator expressed the same high opinion of these 
Irish lakes, but appeared to think that those in the White 
Mountains of New Hampshire might well bear a com- 
parison with them, and regretted that they were so remote, 
and so little known. * I have seen the lakes to which you 
refer/ I said ; i but I must beg leave to differ with you 
when you put them on an equality with these. The White 
Mountains are so lofty (for they are the highest range 
north and east of the Mississippi), that they dwarf, as it 
were, the lakes they enclose, which seem mere basins, 
while the evergreen pines and firs (for there is but little 
variety in the forest trees) are sombre and melancholy, 
and a sense of loneliness and isolation comes over you that 
is almost appalling. Here there is every variety, as well 
as great luxuriance of foliage — the elm, the ash, the gi- 
gantic holly, and the arbutus, are beautifully intermingled, 
while the mountains not only vary very much in size, but, 
what is of still more importance, do not overpower the 
scene. Everything here is in keeping, and in due pro- 
portion, and I may add, in its right place. The wild, bar- 
ren, and rocky Gap of Dunloe, instead of protruding into 
the foreground, is so situated as not only not to disfigure 
the scene but to prepare you by contrast for the magnifi- 
cent and gorgeous panorama which so suddenly arrests 
and enchants you as you emerge from the gorge. The 
scenery of the New Hampshire Mountain Lakes is grand, 
but not pleasing ; and the locality is so apart from the 



56 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

world, that you feel as if you were the first and only 
man that had ever looked upon it. They have no tone, 
no light and shade, no mellowness ; all is bright, sunny, 
and dazzling. The outline, though waving and graceful, 
is too distinct and too sharply denned, while the atmo- 
sphere is so dry, and the sky so high and clear, that it 
presents one unvarying aspect : you can take it all in at 
one view, and carry away with you a distinct impression 
of it. But Killarney, from the peculiarity of its climate, 
displays every variety of expression. The errant fleecy 
clouds, the passing shower, the translucent mist, and the 
deep black thunder-cloud, the oft-recurring, often- varying 
light and shade, and the smiles and tears of nature, must 
be seen to be appreciated ; they defy alike the pencil and 
the pen. The lake of the White Mountains, like every 
other in America, has no associations connected with it, 
and no extrinsic interest. Poetry has clothed it with no 
charms ; History has refused it a name, and excluded it 
from its pages. The primeval shades of the mountains 
chill you, and the unbroken silence of its solitude fills you 
with awe. Killarney, on the other hand, has its ruins of 
noble structures, its traces of the hand of cultivated man, 
its memories, its legends, and traditions. Learning and 
piety have had their abode here in remote ages, and 
heroes and warriors repose in death in the strongholds and 
fastnesses that proclaim their power and valour. It is a 
fairy land, and the marvellous mirage reproduces their de- 
parted spirits in shadowy forms, as they return at long 
intervals to revisit the spot that, living, they loved so well. 
The monks rise from their graves, and in long and solemn 
processions devoutly enter the ruined temples, the walls of 
which were once vocal with their music ; and the spectral 
O'Donoghue emerges with his charger from the lake, and 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 37 

madly courses through the mountains, in mimic rehearsal 
of the chase — a ruling passion strong in death.' 

1 Well, stranger,' said Peabody, ' what's all that when 
it's fried ? Do you mean to say the dead walk here ?' 

* I mean to say,' I replied, ' that there are many per- 
sons who have seen what I have related, fully believe in 
the reality, and are ready to swear to it.' 

' Do you believe it ?' 

' I saw a procession of monks once myself pass over a 
bridge erected at the instant, and enter the ruins of the 
abbey on the Island of Innisfallen, when both bridge and 
priests suddenly disappeared from view ; this was about 
ten years ago.' 

' Stranger,' said he, ' travellers see onaccountable things 
sometimes ; but, in a general way, these wonders happen 
far from hum. Now, I once saw a strange thing, and only 
once, near hum,' and he sang, to the tune of ' Oh, Susan- 
nah,' the following stanza, with an indescribably droll 
expression : — 

' I took a walk one moonlight night, 

When ebbery ting was still, 
I thought I saw dead Susan dere, 

A coming down de hill. 
De buckwheat cake was in her mouth, 

De tear was in her eye ; 
Says I, " My lub, I'm from de South, 

Susannah, don't you cry." ' 

1 So you don't think the lake of the White Mountains 
equal to Killarney, eh ? Did you go through the notch ?' 
* I did.' ' And ain't that equal to the Gap of Dunloe ?' 
1 1 think not.' ' Well, did you see that are great lake 
with a 'tarnal long Indian name to it that no created crit- 
ter can pronounce without halting and drawing breath, 
it's so full of a's, and i's, and o's, and u's, that if stretched 
out straight it would reach clean across the water ? Be- 



38 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

cause, if you did, in course you saw the hot, biling spring 
in the bank, at the foot of the falls, where trout a yard 
long jump right in, alive and kicking, and cook themselves 
without any touss or trouble ; did you see that ?' ' No, 
I did not.' ' Neither did I,' said he, with an uproarious 
laugh, ' nor ere a Green or White Mountain boy that ever 
lived neither ; but I thought you might, for there are folks 
in England who think they know more about our everlast- 
in' great nation, and have heard and seen more of it than 
any Yankee that ever trod shoe-leather. Why, one of 
your British Keounsals to Boston vows he has seen the 
great sea-sarpint there, with his own blessed eyes, and his 
wife says she will ditto the statement with her affidavy ! 
As for comparin' the two lakes, the American and the 
Irish, and saying which is the handsumest, I won't under- 
take the task : p'raps you are right, and p'raps you ain't, 
may be kinder sorter so, and may be kinder sorter not so. 
But what's the odds ? Beauty is a very fine thing ; but 
you can't live on it ! A handsum gall and a handsum 
view are pretty to look at (though of the two give me the 
gall) and if you had nothen' else to do but to look, you 
could afford to stare as hard as an owl. But in this here 
practical world of ourn, the mouth requires to be attended 
to as well as the eyes, and kicks up an awful bobbery if 
it's neglected. Now, this place is all very well in its way, 
but it donH pay. The wood is scrubby and not fit to cut 
for timber ; and if it was, though there is plenty of water 
there is no fall for a saw mill — no powerful privilege of 
any kind. There are many other places I would sooner 
spekelate in to set up saw, grist, or factory mills. There 
is a 'nation sight of good localities in this country for the 
cotton fabric business, and I have been prospecting near 
Galway, now that the Atlantic steamers come to Ireland. 
But it won't do to establish manufactories in this country, 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 39 

the people are too divided. Factories and factions, like 
fire and water, are antagonistic principles : put the fire 
onder the water and it biles right up, foams, frets, and 
runs over, and if you shut it up, it explodes, scalds, and 
kills everybody ; put the water on the fire, and it first 
squenches, and then puts it dead out. There is no such 
country in the world, if the people had only sense enough 
to know it. But they can't see, and if you give 'em tele- 
scopes they either look through the big eend, and reduce 
great things to trifles, or they put the little eend to their 
eyes, and magnify mole-hills into mountains. It takes a 
great many different kinds of folk to make a world, and as 
every country is a little world in itself, it must have all sorts 
of people in it too. Italy has only Italians, Spain, Spaniards, 
Portugal, Portuguese, and so on, and the yare all Roman- 
ists ; and see what a mess they make of it in their manufac- 
tures, commerce, and government ! They are behind all 
creation, they are just what creation was made out of — 
chaos ! They are all one way of thinking. You must have 
many men of many minds to go ahead. Now, Engl and and 
the United States produce every sort and kind of opinion : 
Catholics, Greeks, Church (high and low), Presbyterians 
(Kirk, Antiburghers, Free Church, and Seceders), Me- 
thodists (Primitive and Episcopal), Unitarians, Baptists 
(of all shades of colour and dye), Independents, Quakers, 
Moravians, Universalists, Lutherans, and ever so many 
more dittoes, too numerous to mention in a catalogue, so 
we must call 'em etcetera. Well, you see what is the 
consequence ? Why, they all get along their own road, 
and no one asks the other where he is going, and p'raps he 
couldn't tell him if he did. 

' No man wants to know another man's creed, any more 
than he does his name. He has got his own conscience, 
his own purse, and his own luggage to look arter ; it is as 



40 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

much as he can cleverly do. Each one minds his own 
business, and never mislests another. Nov/, here you 
see, it is another guess kind of matter. There are only 
two sorts, as a body might say— Celt and Sassenach, or, 
Catholic and Protestant — and Protestant here means 
only Church and Presbyterians, who make common cause 
against the other. Well, what's the result ? These two 
great bodies, you see, can't agree in nothen. If you go 
for to talk of schools, they keep apart, like the forrard 
and hind wheels of a stage coach, five feet exactly. If they 
come to elections, it's the same thing ; if they meet, they 
fight ; all, too, for the sake of religion ; and if they as- 
semble in a jury-box, it's six of one and half a dozen of 
the other. Killing comes natural, half the places in Ire- 
land begins with kill ; there is Killboy (for all Irishmen 
are called boys), and what is more onmanly, there is Kill- 
bride ; Killbaron, after the landlords ; Kilbarrack, after 
the English soldiers ; Killcrew, for the navy ; Kilbritain, 
for the English proprietors ; Killcool, for deliberate 
murder, and Kilmore, if that ain't enough. Stranger, 
one sect, whatever it is, won't do, for then the clergy are 
apt to get fat and sarcy ; and only two sorts is worse, for 
they fight as they do here. But you must have all sorts 
and kinds, so that no two will agree to quarrel with an- 
other. Sectarian spirit is either too strong or too weak 
here ; if it is too strong, it should be diluted by mixing 
other kinds ; if it is too weak, the English should send 
them more ingredients to strengthen it, and make it rael 
jam. You have seen the Mississippi where the Ohio 
joins it? Well, the two streams keep apart, and you 
can trace the separate waters of different colours, ever so 
far down ; they don't mix. And you have seen the 
Gulf-stream. Well, you may talk of ile and water not 
mixing, and there is no wonder in that, because their 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 41 

natures are different; but the Gulf-stream won't unite 
with the ocean ; it keeps to itself for thousands of miles, 
and this is a natural curiosity, for they are both water, 
and even storms, tempestical hurricanes, and currents 
won't mingle them. Now, that's the case here — the Celt 
and the Sassenach elements won't mix ; and yet, both 
call themselves Christians, and both, like the two streams 
in the Mississippi, have different colours — one orange, and 
one green. It fairly beats the bugs. They want other 
currents to neutralize them. What's your ideas ? What's 
the reason, while we are one people in the States, the 
English one people, and the Scotch united also, the Irish 
are two people ? As you are used to expounding Ly, 
expound that, will you ? for it passes me.' 

' Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator (who seemed a little 
disconcerted at the allusion to his functions as an Elder,, 
1 let me remind you, again, that when you speak of re- 
ligion in the flippant and irreverent manner you have just 
now done, you exhibit a want of good taste and good 
sense. It is not suitable to refer to it in a conversation 
like the present, so I must decline to pursue the topic. 
As regards the fatal affrays, and agrarian outrages that 
sometimes take place here, recollect that they are often 
magnified for party purposes ; and as the British public 
have an appetite for horrors, every case is paraded in the 
newspapers with a minuteness of detail that is calculated 
to pander to this diseased taste. The number of homi- 
cides in Ireland falls short of what occurs in the United 
States. I am informed on the best authority, that, on an 
average, there occurs one a day in the city of New 
York.' * What do you call the best authority ?' asked his 
friend. 

' The Bishop of the Diocese.' 

' Well, I don't,' said Peabody. ' I call the police 



42 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

records the only reliable accounts. Recollect bishops 
must paint ' 

' Pray, abstain from that style of conversation/ said the 
Senator. ' What you say about our being one people, is 
true of us as a whole, but not locally so. The French 
and their descendants, at New Orleans, as you know, keep 
apart, and live in different sections of the city. So they 
do in Canada and other places, because they are, in fact, 
two people, with two different languages, and two dif- 
ferent creeds, sympathies, and customs, and one is a con- 
quered people. They are gradually becoming absorbed, 
because they are on all sides surrounded by the Ameri- 
cans ; but the process of absorption is not yet complete. 

' This is the case with the Irish (who are also a con- 
quered people) with the exception of their having less ten- 
dency to amalgamation, because they are surrounded — 
not by the English — but by the sea. In addition to this, 
the old penal laws and disability acts of former times, 
which were equally unjust and impolitic, erected impas- 
sable barriers between the two races. Such distinctions 
in our country cannot long be maintained, for there are 
no old grievances for demagogues to agitate upon. There 
are no confiscated estates there before their eyes to re- 
mind the descendants of the former owners that their pa- 
trimony is in the hands of the spoiler ; no ruins to attest 
the ravages of the conqueror ; no mouldering cathedrals 
to recal to mind the piety and misfortunes of their ancient 
clergy; and, above all, no tithes to pay to a church which 
they disown and dislike. So there is a reason for the 
state of things we see here, though no justification ; for it 
matters little whether a grievance is well founded or not 
among the commonalty of mankind so long as they think 
it a grievance. I regard the ancient language as the 
greatest difficulty to be encountered here. It contains 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 4o 

the records of all their traditions. To impose your laws 
and institutions goes but little way towards changing the 
feelings of a people ; indeed, it estranges as often as it con- 
ciliates them. Impose your language, and the conquest 
is complete/ 

* Zactly,' said Peabody. ' It reminds me of an Eye- 
talian I once knew at Utica, called Antonio, who, when 
he had learned a little English, married a Scotch gall, 
that could only speak Gaelic. I used to split my sides a 
larfing to hear the gibberish they talked ; a droll time 
they had of it, I tell you, and their signals was as onin- 
telligible as their talk. Well, some years afterwards, 
who should I meet but Antonio, in the market at Boston. 
So says I, "Antonio," says I, ''how do you and your 
Scotch wife get on ?" " Well," says he, " so well as we 
did, and more better now, except scoldy, then she talk 
Gaelic so faster as ever, and I speak Italian, and we no 
understandy one 'nother no more. Then she first cry, 
then laugh, and we shake hands, and talk slow, and come 
good-natured." You are right, Ly, you must larn a gall's 
language, or she must larn yourn, afore you can make love. 
When I was a boy at night-school, I used to find larnen 
came easier by kissing over a book than by crying over it 
by a long chalk.' 

1 What nonsense you talk, Peabody !' said the Senator. 
i It's not the fault of the Government now,' he continued, 
' though folks are always ready to blame Government for 
everything that goes wrong, but it's the fault of circum- 
stances. Time, railways, and the general civilization of 
mankind are gradually making the change. The Danes, 
the Romans, the Normans, and so on, are all amalga- 
mated in England now, and form one race — the better 
for the mixture — who have one language, the richer and 
better for the mixture also. Ireland has hitherto been 



44 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

out of the world, steam has now brought it within it, and 
it can't help feeling the influence of extended commerce 
and free intercourse with the people of other countries. 
Railways have completely altered the character and habits 
of our backwoodsmen. They have brought them to our 
cities, and taken our citizens to them, and they are ac- 
quainted with all that is going on in the United States 
and elsewhere. Steamers have civilised the whole popu- 
lation of the Mississippi, who were in fact a few years 
ago, what they called themselves, " half hunters, half 
alligators, with a cross of the devil." There is now no such 
place in the Union as Vixburg was twenty or thirty years 
ago. The Church has superseded the gambling-house, and 
Lynchers and Regulators have given place to the duly 
constituted officers of the law. We owe to steam more 
than we are aware of. It has made us what we are, and, 
with the blessing of God, will elevate and advance us still 
more. The same process is going on in Ireland, though more 
slowly, from the causes I have mentioned. Still the im- 
provement is so great, that I, who have not been here for 
ten years, hardly know the country. The famine was an 
awful scourge, but Providence ordained that it should 
furnish a useful lesson. It taught the people that Pro- 
testants had kind hearts, and generous impulses, and it 
promoted a better feeling between the two sects. A 
common danger produced a common sympathy, in which 
brotherly love can alone take root.' 

' Yes,' said Peabody, ' but when a common danger is 
over, common instincts spring right up again, like grass 
after it is mowed, and are as strong as ever. My brother 
Jabez had an awful instance of that onst, that frightened 
him out of a year's growth, indeed it stopped it altogether 
he was so all fired skeer'd. He is six feet two, now, in 
his shoes, and if it hadn't a been for that are shock to 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 45 

his narvous system, I do raily think he would have stood 
seven in his stocking feet. Was you ever in Indianny, 
stranger ?' 

' Yes, I have hunted buffalo there.' 
* Well, then, Jabez lived there once afore the flood.' 
There was something so comical in this expression that 
I could not resist laughing outright at it. He joined in 
it most good-humouredly, and then proceeded — ' You are 
welcome to your laugh, stranger; but, by gosh, if you 
had been there, you would have found it no laughing 
matter, I can tell you. Well, Jabez bought a location 
from Government, built a shanty on it, in the upper part 
of that territory, and cleared some two or three acres of 
land, close on the borders of the prairie, intending to hold 
on for a year or two, till settlements advanced up to him, 
and then sell out and realize. He was all alone, some 
miles from our brother Zeke, who had squatted on those 
diggins some five or six miles farther down, and moved 
his family from Kentucky. Well, one night he went to 
sleep as usual, and dreamed he was drownin' in the 
Mississippi ; and when he woke up, he found he was near 
about all under water, for the flood had come on all of a 
suddent, and he had been fool enough to build on too 
low a level. He hadn't a minute to spare, the flood was 
rising so fast, so there was nothing for it but to cut and 
run quick-stick while he could. So he outs at the door 
like wink, and, as luck would have it, his old hoss, 
Bunker, had come home, as you say, " in a common 
danger, for common sympathy." He slips the rope-halter 
on him in a jiffy, and off, full chisel, to cross the prairie 
to brother Zeke's. But, bless your heart, when he got 
to the plain it was all kivered with water for miles every 
which way he could see. The only thing discarnible 
was, here and there, the tops of a clump of cypress trees 



46 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

a-stickin' out, like chimbleys in a fog, and they wern't 
overly distinct neither, for the sky was cloudy and broken. 
Well, on, and on, and on they went, he and the old hoss ; 
and the water rose higher, and higher, and higher. It 
was fust trot, then walk, then crawl, then wade, then 
stumble, then stagger, then swim. Well, old Bunker 
began to breathe so quick, and sneeze so often and so 
short, he thought he'd just slip off his back and hold on 
by his tail ; but that was heavy work for the hoss, to tow 
him arter that fashion. He felt sartified it was gone 
goose with both of 'em, and was a-thinkin' they had 
better part company, and try to fish for it on their own 
separate hooks, when he 'spied a log a~driftin' by ; so he 
lets go of the tail and climbs on to that; and, as the 
current was setting down towards Zeke's, he began to 
feel at last as if he could hold on that way till break of 
day, when, all at once, somethin' got up at t'other eend 
of the log, and what should it be but a tarnation painter ! 
(panther). There was a pair of eyes, like two balls of 
fire, making the water boil a'most, a-starin' right straight 
at him, and he a-trying to look as much like a sea-devil 
as he could — both on 'em feeling as if one darn't and 
t'other was afraid — both guessing they had trouble enough 
of their own without fightin' — and both wishing the other 
would make his bow and retire without loss of honour on 
either side. At last, brother Jabez seed a little island, 
as he thought, a-looming up in the dark waters ; but it 
warn't an island — it was only an Indian mound, or ground- 
house, as they call it, where their dead used to be buried. 
The moment he seed it, he slipped off the eend of the 
drift-stick to swim for it, when down goes t'other eend 
of the log, like a tilt, and off slips the painter, chewallop, 
into the water, and they swam, side by side, to the land. 
Well, when they arrived there, what should he see but 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 47 

the old hoss (who had got to land before him), four or 
five deer, two buffalo bulls, a bear, a coon or two, and a 
possum, all standin', tremblin', and shakin', but as peace- 
able as if they war in the ark. When clay broke, Jabez 
seed the water was a-fallin' fast, and the mound gettin' 
bigger and bigger, so he ups upon old hoss and takes an- 
other swim, to be out of the way afore breakfast-time 
came on, and lots was drawn which of the crew was to go 
for it to feed the rest. Well, the current helped them, 
and he and old Bunker soon reached Zeke's, when he and 
his brother loaded their rifles and started off in the canoe 
for the island, or mound. The painter was helpin' him- 
self to the coon when they arrived, and the two bulls were 
standin' sentry over the bear, who was grinnin' horrible 
at 'em. The common danger was over, you see, and the 
common instincts broke loose again. Jabez had no pity 
for his half-drowned companions neither, and pinked the 
deer as if he had never seen them before. 

' That was pretty much the case, I guess, here, too, 
arter the famine was over. Both were oncommon peace- 
able during the plague — orange and green were turned 
wrong side out for the time ; but, you see, they wear 
them now as they used to did, and the colours are as 
flaunting and fresh as ever.' 

' That's a very good story,' said the Senator, ' and it is 
a very true one, for I knew your brother well, and have 
often heard him tell it ; but it does not apply. If men 
were of different species, instead of different races or 
tribes, or were beasts of prey, the analogy would hold 
good ; but the comparison is both unjust and degrading. 
The circumstances to which I have alluded have kept the 
two races apart ; but there are other and no less powerful 
influences now in operation of an opposite tendency that 
cannot fail to produce the most beneficial results. In 



48 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

addition to those I have already enumerated, I may 
mention that emigration has relieved the country of a 
superabundant population that pressed heavily upon its 
resources, and by the withdrawal of so much unemployed 
labour, has ameliorated the condition of those that are 
left. There is now sufficient occupation for all, and in- 
creased wages have both stimulated and rewarded the 
industry of the poor. The Incumbered Estates Court 
has worked wonders for the advancement of agriculture, 
by opening to cultivation lands that were closed to im- 
provement by absentee landlords and bankrupt proprietors ; 
while railways have afforded access to markets, fur- 
nished profitable fields for the investment of capital, and 
facilities for intercourse among the people, without which 
there can be no interchange of opinions, and no enlarge- 
ment of ideas. Thirty years ago, a journey from the 
west coast of Ireland to London occupied, under the most 
favourable circumstances, as much time as a mail packet 
of the present day does in crossing the Atlantic. Now a 
line of steamers is established at Galway to compete with 
the Cunard vessels at Liverpool for London passengers to 
the States. This one fact alone contains more informa- 
tion, and suggests more reflection, than all the statistical 
tables of the Boards of Agriculture and Trade combined. . 
It shows that Ireland is commercially, geographically, and 
politically in the right place, and has the right men to 
stimulate and direct its energies in the right direction.' 

' Ly, you talk like a book/ said Peabody. 'That's a 
fact. I can't state a thing as clear as you can, but I can 
tell when you state it right, and when you don't. Many 
a judge would decide wrong if a case wern't well argued ; 
and that's about the only use a lawyer is. I am glad to 
hear you say Pat is improving, for he is a light-hearted, 
whole-souled critter, and full of fun. Thev are droll 



49 

fellows. Lord ! I have often larfed at the way an Irish 
help we had at Barnstable once fished me for a glass of 
whisky. One morning he says to me : " Oh, your honour," 
says he, " I had great drame last night entirely — I dramed 
I was in Rome, tho' how I got there is more than I can 
tell ; but there I was, sure enough, and as in duty bound, 
what does I do but go and see the Pope. Well, it was 
a long journey, and it was late when I got there — too 
late for the likes of me ; and when I got to the palace I 
saw priests, and bishops, and cardinals, and all the great 
dignitaries of the Church a coming out, and says one of 
them to me, ' How are you, Pat Moloney,' said he, ' and 
that spalpeen your father, bad luck to him, how is he ?' 
It startled me to hear my own name so suddent, that it 
came mighty nigh waking me up, it did. Sais I, i Your 
reverence, how in the world did you know that Pat 
Moloney was my name, let alone that of my father?' 
' Why, you blackguard,' says he, ' I knew you since you 
was knee high to a goose, and I knew your mother afore 
you was born.' ' It's good right your honour has then to 
know me,' sais I, ' let alone my father.' ' Bad manners 
to you,' sais he, i sure this is no place to be joking in at 
all at all ; what is it you are after doing here at this 
time o' night ?' ' To see his Holiness the Pope,' sais I. 
' That's right,' says he, ' pass on, but leave your impu- 
dence with your hat and shoes at the door.' Well, I was 
shown into a mighty fine room where his Holiness was, 
and down I went on my knees. 'Rise up, Pat Moloney,' 
sais his Holiness, ' you are a broth of a boy to come all 
the way from Ireland to do your duty to me ; and it's 
dutiful children ye are, every mother's son of ye. What 
will ye have to drink, Pat ?' (The greater a man is, the 
more of a rael gintleman he is, your honour, and the more 
condescending) — ' What will you have to drink, Pat ?' 

D 



50 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

' A glass of whisky, your Holiness,' sais I, ' if it's all the 
same to you.' ' Shall it be hot or cold ?' sais he. ' Hot,' 
sais I, 'if it's all the same, and gives no trouble.' ' Hot 
it shall be,' sais he, ' but as I have dismissed all my ser- 
vants for the night, I'll just step down below for the tay- 
kettle,' and wid that he left the room and was gone for a 
long time, and just as he came to the door again, he 
knocked so loud the noise woke me up, and, by Japers ! 
I missed my whisky, entirely. Bedad, if I had only had 
the sense to say, ' Nate, your Holiness,' I'd a had my 
whisky, sure enough, and never known it warn't all true, 
instead of a drame." I knew what he wanted, so I poured 
him out a glass. 

' " Won't it do as well now, Pat ?" says I. 
' " Indeed, it will, your honour," says he, ' and my drame 
will come true after all ; I thought it would,, for it was 
mighty nateral at the time, all but the whisky." 
6 Droll boys— ain't they ?' 

' Well,' said the Senator, ' there is something very 
peculiar in Irish humour — it is unlike that of any other 
people under the sun. At times it is very pointed ; at 
others it is irresistibly droll, from a certain incongruity or 
confusion of ideas. I am not certain, however, whether a 
good deal of it is not traditional. I am not very fond of 
telling stories myself; for though you may know them to 
be original, still they may not be new. I am satisfied the 
same thing has often been said in different ages, and by 
people in different countries, who were not aware a similar 
idea had occurred to, and been expressed by others. I 
have heard repartees and smart sayings related here, as 
having been uttered by well known wits, that I have myself 
heard in America, and often long before they were per- 
petrated here. If you relate a story of that kind, you are 
met by the observation, " Oh, that was said by Sydney 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 51 

Smith, or Theodore Hook, or some other wit of the 
day." 

1 For instance, there is the story of the man, who, on 
his death-bed, recommended his son to be honest, as 
he knew it was the best policy, having tried both courses. 
Now, it is certain that has been told in Scotland, in 
England, America, and Spain. To tell it, gives you the 
reputation of being too familiar with Joe Miller. 

' Discoveries are of the same kind : many men gain 
credit for what was known ages ago. Harvey has the 
credit of being the first who discovered the circulation of 
the blood, and his remains are at present sought out, for 
the purpose of erecting a monument to his memory. But 
that it was known to the ancients is very certain. Lon- 
ginus ' 

' I knew him,' said Peabody. ' I was present at his 
trial, and saw him hanged at New Orleans — I did, upon 
my soul. He was a nigger, and one of the most noted 
pirates on the coast of Cuby. He made more blood cir- 
culate, I guess, than any man I ever heard tell of; he 
was of opinion dead men tell no tales, so he always mur- 
dered the crew of every vessel he captured ; he cut the 
throats of all his prisoners, and then threw their bodies 
overboard. I shall never forget a rise I took out of Mrs. 
Beecher Stowe about Longinus. I met her once at New 
York, just before she came over here, to make fools of 
whimpering gals and spoony Lords about Uncle Tom 
Just as if such things could be true ! Why, stranger, 
does it stand to reason, and convene to common sense, 
now, if a real good workin' nigger, and a trusty one too, 
is worth a thousand dollars, his. master would be such a 
born fool and natural idiot as to go and flog him to death, 
and lose both him and his money, any more than he would 
ill-use a super-superior horse ! Why it has impossibility 

D2 



52 THE SEASON-TICKET. 



stamped on the face of it, as plain as her Royal High 
the Queen's head is stamped on a twenty-shilling piece that 
they call a sovereign. I hate such cant — I hate them 
that talk such rigmaroles, and I despise the fools that 
believe them and turn up the whites of their eyes, like 
dying calves, and say : " Oh, how horrid ! how shocking ! 
whut a pity it is such a bitter thing as slavery should bear 
such sweet fruit as sugar," and then call for another lump 
to put in their tea, to show their sincerity. It makes my 
dander rise, I tell you. Well, Aunt Stowe was collect- 
ing horrors, like Madame Tussaud, when I met her. So, 
thinks I, if I don't stuff you like a goose, it's a pity ; and 
I'll season it with inions, and pepper, and sage, and what 
not, till it has the right flavour. Here goes, says I to 
myself, for fetters, handcuffs, chains, whips, pollywog 
water for drink, and stinkin' dried fish for food — enough, 
if put under glass cases, to decorate the chimbley-place of 
Buxton, Shaftesbury, and Sutherland, and fill Exeter 
Hall, too. 

' " I hope," said she, " you are an Abolitionist, Mr. 
Peabody, as I said to the Duchess." 

' " To the backbone," sais I ; " it's the great Eastern ticket 
now for the Presidential Chair. New England never had 
but two Presidents, and them were the two Adams, father 
and son. The younger one, Quincey, first started the 'Man- 
cipation Ticket, to go ahead against the Southerners. One 
of his eyes was weak, and if he touched it, it was like start- 
ing a spring in digging a well, out gushed the tears in 
a stream ! Whenever he talked of niggers at public meet- 
ings, he'd rub his right eye with his nosewiper, and it 
would weep by the hour ! People used to say, ' What a 
dear man ! what a feeling man that is ! what a kind, 
soft heart he has,' while he thought how soft their horns 
was ! He acted it beautiful, but it takes time to work 



ness 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 53 

up a ticket with us, you know. Charles Somner matured 
it, though he got an awful cowhiding in Congress for 
coming it too strong ; but you will put the cap sheaf on 
it, see if you don't. Arter your book called ' The Key to 
Uncle Tom ' is out, we shall be able to carry a President 
from the Eastern states, that's a fact." 

' " Oh, Mr. Peabody," she said, " oh, fie ! now, don't 
your heart bleed (as the Duchess said to me) for the 
poor niggers ?" 

' " No, marm," sais I, " I am happy to say it don't. 
Bleeding at the lungs is bad enough ; it's like goin' up- 
stream with a high pressure boiler : you don't know the 
minute it will burst and blow you into dead man's land. 
But bleedin' at the heart, marm, is sudden death any 
which way you fix it." 

' " Oh, dear," she said, " Mr. Peabody, what a droll man 
you be ; but our people down east are so clever, as the 
Duchess observed to me, ain't they ? You feel for them, 
as the Countess of Ben Nevis told me she did, don't 
you : 

' " Countess of Ben Nevis," said I ; " only think of a lord 
being called Ben ? like Ben Franklin, the printer ! But 
I suppose there are vulgar lords as well as vulgar- 
Yankees ?" 

' " Pooh !" she said ; " Ben Nevis is the name of a Scotch 
mountain ; I am sure you know that, and the title is 
taken from that classical spot." 

c " Well then," sais I, "Joe Davis' County, in Illinoi, 
which I used to think a disgrace to our great national 
map, is not so bad arter all, for it's classical. Oh, 
Lord ! oh, Lord ! just fancy the Countess of Joe Davis," 
sais I ; and I almost rolled off the chair a larfing, for I 
hate folks bragging everlastingly of nobility, that only 
invite 'em to have something to talk of, and that look at 



54 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

them through the big eend of an opera-glass, to make 
'em seem smaller than they be. Who the Duchess was 
she quoted so often, to astonish my weak nerves, I don't 
know, and don't care, for I 'spose I shouldn't be one mite 
or morsel the wiser if I did hear her name. But one thing 
I do know, and that is, all the nobility don't think like 
her, for there was a top-sawyer one lately had up for throw- 
ing sticks at Aunt Sally, who was a nigger as black as the 
ace of spades or the devil's hind leg. The magistrate said 
Aunt Harriet and Aunt Sally were both American ladies, 
and bosom friends, and any insult might provoke a war with 
the States. " Still," said Aunty, drawin' herself up a bit, 
as if the joke stung a tender spot, " still, Mr. Peabody, 
you feel for the poor negro, don't you ?" " Well," sais I, 
" marm, to be serious, between you and me, [ must say, 
though it's only in confidence " (and I looked round as if 
I was anxious no one should hear me), "I am not alto- 
gether certified I do feel for people that are unable to feel 
for themselves." " Do you think, sir," said she, still 
perckin' up, as proud as a hen with one chick, " do you 
suppose, sir, a negro, when tied up and flogged, don't feel 
as acutely as we should ? Do you deny he has the same 
flesh and blood as we have ? or that he is as sensitive to 
the torture of the lash as we should be ?" " Well, marm," 
sais I, looking very grave and very wise (for all fellers 
that say little, and look solemn, are set down, in a gene- 
ral way, as wise), " as to the same flesh and blood, I won't 
say, though I should doubt it, for they tell me sharks 
(and they ain't overly nice in their tastes), when a boat is 
upset, always prefer whites, not liking the flavour of 
blacks ; so I won't dispute that point with you ; but this 
I will maintain, they hain't the same colour, nor the 
same feelings we have." " Of course they hain't the same 
colour, but 'nimium ne cread collaryj" (though what 



I 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 55 

that means when the husk is took off and the nut cracked 
I don't know), " how do you make out they have not the 
same feelings we have ?" " Why," sais I, i: you have heerd 
tell of Longinus, haven't you ?" " In course I have," sais 
she, ie he was a great man in the court of Zenobia." 
" He ws a great man, and a great villain," says I, " and 
no mistake, for he was the wickedest, fiercest, most cruel 
pirate ever seen. He wasn't tried in the court at Ze- 
nobia, for that's an inland town of Texas, but at New 
Orleans. I was present at the trial, and saw him hanged, 
and the way the crowd yelled was a caution to sinners. If 
they had had their way they would have thought hanging 
too good for him, I can tell you, for once a nigger gets 
the taste of blood he is more like a wolf or a tiger than a 
human being. Well, there was one Jeduthan Flag, a 
Connecticut pedlar, there, who bought the body of the 
sheriff on spekelation, and hired a doctor to take his hide 
off, and he dressed it with alum and lime, cut it up into 
narrow pieces, and made razor-strops of it." " Pray what 
has the dead negro to do with sensibility and pain ?" said 
she. " Well, I was a-going to tell you," sais I ; " I bought 
one of the strops, and I have got it now. I gave fifty 
dollars for it. Would you believe it, the leather is near 
half an inch thick. It is like pig-skin, that they use to 
cover saddles with, soft and pliable, and oily too, just 
like that, and has little wee holes in it, like as if a needle 
had made them ; it's the grandest strop I ever had in my 
life. Now, if a nigger's hide is as thick as that, how 
in the natur' of things can he feel a whip? Why, it 
don't stand to reason and the natur' of leather that they 
can any more than a rAmoceros." " Mr. Peabody/' said 
she, " is that a fact ?" " True as any story you have got in 
your book, 1 ' says I, "and that's noticeable, I assure you." 
" Well, I never heard anything so horrible," sais she. 



56 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

" Oh, Mr. Peabody, how slavery hardens the heart, how 
debasing, how demoralizing it is ! What will become of 
our great nation, when we not only buy and sell negroes, 
but make a traffic of their skins I I like an authentic 
story. I am delighted to be able to publish this horror- 
ing tale to the world What a sensation it will create ! 
May I make use of your name ?" " Certainly/' sais I, 
" say Amos Peabody told you, and refer them to me for 
further particulars." I left her making a memorandum ; 
and what I told her I'll swear to, and that is, that it is as 
true as any story she has in her novel. 

i The fact is, stranger, slavery is a cussed thing, and 
there is no two ways about it. It is a black page in our 
history ; but how to tear it out without loosening all the 
other sheets is the great difficulty we have to encounter. 
We all deplore it with grief and mortification. But what 
in the world is the use of a woman a racing all over the 
world like a ravin' distracted bed-bug, a screeching and 
screaming out as loud as if she was whipped herself? It 
aint them that yell the loudest that feel the most I had 
almost forgot the story of Longinus, till you mentioned 
his name, Ly.' 

' You are a strange fellow/ said the Senator ; ' the 
moment you hear people talking seriously, you immedi- 
ately turn the conversation to some nonsense or another, 
that has no connexion with it. As I was a saying, sir,' he 
continued, * when our friend here interrupted me, even 
many modern discoveries, although original, are not new, 
and were well known to the ancients. The circulation of 
the blood is one ; it is clear, from a line quoted by Lon- 
ginus from an ancient poet, that the circulation of the 
blood was then a well-established fact. I cannot repeat 
the line, for my Greek is rusty, and we have not the book 
here ; but refer to it when you are at leisure, and you will 



57 

be convinced I am correct. But in humour also, as I 
have already said, the coincidence is very striking. With- 
out undervaluing Irish humour, I am inclined to think 
something is to be attributed to traditional fun, and some- 
thing to a people whose perceptions are quick, whose 
characteristic is cunning, and whose habits of thought are 
so much alike. That cunning has much to do with it is 
quite clear from the fact that the lower orders are very 
much more ready and droll than the upper classes. It is 
also remarkable that they are far more humorous at 
home than in America, which perhaps is also in part 
attributable to the circumstance of their being more in- 
dustrious there, and in consequence more matter-of-fact. 
Their whole character becomes changed there. Here 
they are idle, there they are the best labourers we have, 
more persevering and enduring than the English, and 
more honest in their work than the Scotch. The Ame- 
ricans form the mass, and they are compelled, by 
the force of circumstances, to mingle with them ; here 
they form the mass, and every inducement is held out to 
them to prevent others from mixing with them. I do not 
blame their clergy for encouraging them to remain a 
separate people, because I believe they sincerely think it 
the safest way to keep them from the contamination of 
heresy. It is but common justice to them to attribute 
this to an honest, though mistaken, conviction. But what 
do you say to your English patriots, who, being aware 
of the predisposition of the people, encourage them in it, 
for the purpose of securing their votes, who set tenants 
against their landlords, Catholics against Protestants, and 
the whole population against the Government ! who 
create grievances for the purpose of being chosen to 
redress them, and use the power conferred by their con- 
fidence for their own advancement. " Bunkum," as we 

d3 



58 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

call it, or political humbug, as you term it, though the 
same thing has a very different effect here from what it 
has in America. No man is deceived by it there ; it is 
used by every party, and understood by all. Tt is incense 
offered to the majesty of the multitude, who very justly 
suspect every public man, and disregard their reasoning, 
but who compel them to bow down and worship them, 
and at last choose that side that best suits their interest. 
In the United States, there is no principle involved in 
party struggles, because all men are equal and have 
similar rights. It is men, not measures. Here there is 
a most important one at stake, and that is the preservation 
of the monarchical element in a mixed constitutional 
government, where, from the various orders of social and 
political structures, men are not equal. There, deception, 
bad as it essentially and morally is, works no serious 
injury, for it merely substitutes one party for another ; 
and it is of little consequence to the country which pre- 
dominates. Here it is of vital importance, for if dema- 
gogues succeed, the balance of the constitution is in 
danger, and a democracy may supersede the monarchy. 
That noblemen, and gentlemen of property and station, 
can lend themselves to such a fraudulent system of poli- 
tics, and condescend to play such a dangerous game, is to 
me wholly unaccountable. I can understand the con- 
duct of a man like Bright. He is desirous, as we say, 
to come out of the crowd. He has no position in the 
country, and is anxious to make one. A social one, he 
knows, is impossible ; a political one is within his grasp, 
especially as he has the manufacturers with him, and 
is identified with their money and masses. Though 
deficient in constitutional knowledge, he is a very good 
declaimer. His business is to demolish, and a strong 
though unskilful workman is equal to that sort of work. 



59 

I can understand him. He is not a dangerous, though a 
mischievous man. He is better suited for Congress than 
your Parliament. But there is one lesson he would learn 
there that might be of use to him, and that is, that although 
a Quaker, and not expected to fight, he would be held ac- 
countable for his words, and find his broad-brimmed hat 
no protection for intemperate language. Your dan- 
gerous man is your titled radical representative of an 
Irish constituency. There never was a people so cajoled, 
fooled, deceived, and betrayed, as the Irish. It is time 
they turned their attention to the material, and not the 
political condition of their country ; and everything I see 
induces me to augur well of their future.' 

'Oh, it does, does it?' said Peabody. 'Well, I'd 
rather see it than hear tell of it by a long chalk. I wish 
they'd hire me to write their history since Cromwell's 
time ; for I'd make my forten by it. If I had the contract. 
I'd do it in three lines. Their lords lived abroad and 
screwed their agents ; the agents screwed the tenants ; 
the tenants screwed the poor, and all combined to screw 
the Government. The gentry lived in houses they didn't 
repair, on farms they didn't cultivate, and estates they 
couldn't transfer. The trader didn't import, for he 
wasn't paid for what he sold. The labourer didn't work, 
for he didn't earn his grub at it. The lord blamed the 
disturbed state of the country for not living in it ; the 
agent blamed him for high rents and absenteeism ; the 
farmer blamed both for extortioners, and the peasantry 
cussed the whole biling of them ; while lawyers, like flies, 
swarmed where there was corruption, and increased the 
taint they fed on. When the patient is in a bad w r ay, 
there is always a quack who has a nostrum ; and political 
quacks rose up by the score, who had each an infallible 
remedy. One tried repeal of the union ; another, tenant- 



60 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

right; and a third, rebellion. Parliament tried its hand 
at it, and spent millions in jobs. But I agree with you, 
the Incumbered Estates Act, steam, and (what you have 
forgotten to mention) temperance, have effected, and will 
work wonders ; and it's their own fault now, if the Irish 
don't go ahead. Cardinal Wiseman missed a figure 
when he was here, I tell you. He might have saved this 
country, if he'd have taken the right course, and know'd 
as much of representatives, Ly, as you and I do. He 
may be a Cardinal, but hang me if he's a wise man. I 
wish I had his chance and his power, I'd a said, " Pat, 
my boy, if anybody goes for to talk politics to you, up 
fist, and knock him down, and I'll absolve you on the 
principle of self-defence. Patriots, as they call them- 
selves, are no friends of yours, or old Ireland either. 
They have honey on their lips, but pyson in their tongues. 
What is it to you whether Tory, or Whig, or Radical is 
uppermost, any more than whether democrats or repub- 
licans are ins or outs in the States ? The object of law 
is to protect life and property ; and so long as it does 
that, and don't interfere with your liberty and religion, 
that's all the call you have to it. Mind your own 
business, and live in charity with your neighbours. Be 
sober, industrious, and peaceable. Respect yourselves, 
and others will respect you ; but eschew politics as you 
would the devil. It is better to be a free agent, than a 
tool at any time. Obey the law, but never look to 
Government for patronage. They will feed' you on 
promises till you are unfit for anything, and then give you 
something not worth having. They are like torpedoes, 
they paralyse everybody they touch. Avoid secret so- 
cieties, work diligently, be honest and grateful to your 
employers, and God will prosper you in all your under- 
takings. But if you choose to serve the Devil, do so ; he 



WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 61 

is a good paymaster, and rewards his servants. The 
wages of sin is death, and if you earn it, I hope you will 
get it." Now, Ly, if that ain't poetry, it's truth ; and if 
it ain't Irish, it's plain English. It's the rael ticket, and 
no mistake. What the plague is the sense of harping for 
ever on old grievances — it's the tune the Old Cow died 
of. They are like spilt milk, and we all know it's no use 
to cry over that. If the Cardinal would go in up to the 
handle for that, he'd do more good than all the patriots, 
hung or unhung, ever did or will do for Ireland, from 
July to etarnity.' 

' Well done, Peabody,' said the Senator. ' I never 
heard you utter so much sense before ; it's a pity you 
would not always talk that way.' 

' Well, I don't think so,' said Peabody ; ' there is a 
time for all things in natur\ When sense is trumps, 
why I can lead off with an ace, if I like, for I am not the 
fool you take me to be ; but when fun is the word, well 
then I'm ready to cut in and take a hand. Laughing 
wasn't given us for nothin', or we shouldn't have been 
made so everlastin' ticklish as we are. Courtin' would 
be stupid work if it wasn't for romping. But here is the 
postman. Now, do you look solemncholy, Ly, and im- 
portant, and say you have got a despatch from the Pre- 
sident of the United States. It sounds well afore the 
waiters; and I'll see if there is ere a letter from my 
sister Deliverance, for she always writes me a long one, 
under pretence of giving me news from hum, and eends 
with a postscript containing a commission for me to send 
her something worth a hundred dollars.' 

In the package of letters, I found one from my friend 
Cary, announcing the completion of his business, and 
requesting my immediate return to Cork. I was there- 
fore obliged to take leave of my companions, and set out 



62 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

at once on my journey. They expressed great regret at 
not being able to accompany me, in consequence of ex- 
pecting a party of friends from New York, to arrive the 
next day ; but they assured me that they would not fail 
to renew their acquaintance with me on some future 
occasion at Southampton. 

The bell rang, the guard blew a shrill blast from his 
whistle, the train started, and in a few minutes Killarney 
faded in the distance. 



( 63 



No. III. 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 

The facetious driver of the ' car, who called the main 
road to Killarney the ' rael way/ conducted us thither 
through Macroom, Inchigeelagh, and Gougane Barra. I 
returned by the railway to Cork, not merely to save time, 
but to vary the scene. It is not my intention to describe 
the country through which we passed. Men and things 
are my topics ; but I cannot help mentioning a peculiar 
feature of Irish scenery that has never failed to attract 
my admiration as constituting its extraordinary beauty. I 
allude to the number and extent of its rivers and lakes. 
Few countries of its size in the world are so well watered 
as Ireland, and the deep verdure of the landscape is at 
once relieved and heightened by the silvery light of its 
innumerable streams. 

The Emerald Isle is an appellation more literal than 
poetical, and founded on fact rather than fiction. It is no 
wonder that the Irish have an enthusiastic admiration of 
their country ; but there are other causes besides its 
beauty and fertility that attach them to it, which makes 
their nationality a very different thing from that of either 
the Scotch, the English, or the French. It is a far deeper 
and stronger, as well as a more lasting feeling. It embraces 
not merely their country, but their race and their religion. 
A Scotchman is clannish, proud of the achievements of his 
ancestors, and fond of his native land. But he is fonder of 



64 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

money and distinction than of either. He emigrates with 
more of hope than regret, and fully relies on his industry 
and economy to enable him to found a new home in a new 
world ; he anticipates revisiting his kindred at some 
future day — a design in which ostentatious success is often 
mingled with affection. A prophet, however, has no 
honour in his own country, and he is willing to exchange 
it for another, where the obscurity of his origin may be 
hidden under a name that will pass without scrutiny as 
remotely connected with some illustrious family. The 
Duke of Argyll has more distant relatives than he is 
aware of, both in America and Australia, and the house 
of Buccleugh can never be extinct while there are so 
many presumptive heirs, in partibus exteris. 

Where the region of Fable ends that of Truth begins, 
and the Elliots and Dundases are no pretenders. Their 
name is Legion, and their pedigree is acknowledged in 
every branch of every public department in the empire. 
He who leaves Scotland seldom returns. The inclination 
may exist, but an opportunity for its indulgence rarely 
occurs. An Englishman goes abroad because he is fond 
of adventure ; he thinks he has a right to a living some- 
where, and is not particular as to the locality in which it 
is to be sought. Wherever he is he grumbles, not be- 
cause he is disappointed, but because it is natural to him 
to find fault. He is dissatisfied at home, and is never con- 
tented anywhere else. Nothing pleases him in his own 
country, and when abroad he abuses every place but 
England; he has neither the civility of an Irishman nor 
the servility of a Scotchman — the industry of the one nor 
the acuteness of the other, while economy is a word he 
could never comprehend. The consequence is, he is not so 
popular or so successful as either. A Frenchman is never 
happy out of France ; not that he is so attached to it or 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 65 

its institutions, or that colonial life does not afford an 
easier subsistence and greater facility for accumulating a 
fortune, but because he misses the cafe, the theatre, the 
guinguette, the spectacles, and the cheap and frivolous 
amusements, without which existence appears to him to be 
intolerable. If he migrates to another country, it neces- 
sarily involves continuous industry, which is as foreign to 
his habits as his inclination ; if to a tropical climate it 
compels him to be domestic, and makes his house a prison, 
where if he remains he dies of ennui, and if he effects his 
escape he perishes from fever. He must talk, sing, dance, 
or die ; he has a tradition, which he fully believes, that 
every other country but his own is inhabited by barbarians, 
and that Frenchmen are the only gentlemen in the world ; 
although he has neither the manners nor the principles of 
one, he takes it for granted he must everywhere be re- 
ceived as such. He likes France, therefore, not so much 
for itself as that it is inhabited by those whose tastes are 
similar to his own, and who are the only people who know 
how to live. He is a philosopher ; he is not ambitious of 
wealth, but of enjoying life. He — 

' Wants but little here below, 
Nor wants that little long.' 

And, therefore, his great study is to make the most of that 
modicum. No colony of Frenchmen has ever succeeded. 
Poor Pat leaves his country because poverty compels 
him to do so. He is attached to the soil on which he 
lives, and that scantily supported his forefathers. Its le- 
gends and traditions appeal to his heart. He is attached 
to his countrymen, with whom he has so many sympathies, 
a common language, a common poverty, and a common re- 
ligion ; and although he has been taught from his birth to be- 
lieve that he is a bondsman, he is ever willing to exchange 
the freedom of a republic for the imaginary chain of a slave 



66 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

at home. America disappoints him ; he is surprised to 
find that he must work for his living even there, and that 
priests who defied the law in Ireland are compelled to be 
circumspect by a higher power than law — the force of pub- 
lic opinion. He could beg in peace and in rags at home, 
but among the free, enlightened, and most liberal Yankees 
a beggar is treated as a vagrant, while rags are ridiculed 
as an emblem of idleness, and not pitied as an evidence of 
want. To work or to starve, is the inexorable law of re- 
publicanism. His religion is essentially aristocratic, and 
there is nothing congenial to it in democracy that reduces 
a priest to the common level of vulgar equality with his 
flock. He despises a President who receives people sit- 
ting in his shirt sleeves and smoking a cigar, and a Go- 
vernor who drives to the State-house on the top of a coach 
or buss, and carries a change of clothes in his pocket- 
handkerchief. There is some fun at home in pulling down 
the political edifice ; there is noise, dirt, disturbance, and 
danger enough to make the work exciting ; but there is 
nothing but hard toil and patient drudgery in building it 
up again in the States. When the work is finished it is 
but an upstart after all ; it has no ancestral or historical 
associations ; it is vulgarly new. Senators armed with re- 
volvers and bowie knives inspire him with disgust and 
contempt, while those who both cant and spit, when de- 
claiming on independence and slavery, he regards as beings 
even below himself, if the pictures drawn of him by his 
friends the patriots and agitators be at all true to nature. 
The illicit distiller looks back with regret on the excite- 
ment of his lawless occupation at home, in the prosecution 
of which he had the sympathy of the whole population, 
who deluded the police and the soldiery with false infor- 
mation, or defended him with arms at the risk of their own 
lives. He is surprised to find that freedom which he had 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 67 

always sought in sedition and rebellion, or in the midnight 
forays of Ribbonism, when actually possessed means, after 
all, nothing more than a choice of occupation and an 
obedience to those laws, which, while they protect him in 
his rights, protect the community also ; and that when 
justice is either too slow or too weak to reach an offender, 
the people institute a court themselves and appoint a 
gentleman to preside, under the title of Judge Lynch, 
who, by the aid of elective officers, styled regulators, calls 
out the posse comitatus of the county when occasion re- 
quires, and seizing the criminal, tries him summarily, and 
executes him on the spot. 

It is no wonder that an exile of this description, who 
flies from Ireland to avoid an untimely end, gives vent to 
his disappointment in the pathetic remark, so character- 
istic of the Irish : — ' By Jingo ! this is no counthry for a 
jontleman to live in.' There is some truth in the obser- 
vation as he expresses it, but none whatever in its applica- 
tion. It is eminently the poor man's home. If he is wil- 
ling to work, he can find employment, and labour is well 
remunerated. By industry and economy he can rise to a 
position of ease and comfort, perhaps of affluence. There 
he must be contented to rest. The higher orders are want- 
ing in America ; and that which money cannot purchase is 
neither known nor valued. Time, however, w r orks great 
changes in the Irish, whether in the United States or the 
Colonies. They are the few among the many. They 
cannot long maintain their distinctive character; they 
become gradually absorbed, and are soon incorporated 
with the mass of the people. They adopt the dress, the 
habits, and the feelings of the Americans. Their clergy 
taught them to disregard a Protestant sovereign; the 
Americans, in their turn, teach them to disregard their 
priests. One half of their lives is s ent in learning what 



68 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

is wrong, and the other in unlearning it. Renunciation 
is soon followed by recantation, and the Queen and the 
Pope both lose their subjects. By this process, the 
emigrants are protected from themselves and their own 
violence ; they individually obtain that freedom which, 
collectively, they never allow to each other. A Roman 
Catholic who becomes a Protestant in Ireland is con- 
sidered as a man who deserts his colours, and he is pur- 
sued and punished by the whole community. In America 
he is neither hailed as a convert by one side, nor insulted 
as a pervert by the other. The event is regarded by the 
former with unconcern, and by the latter as an occurrence 
rather to be regretted than resented. Public opinion 
tolerates and protects every sect, but has no sympathy 
with any. Franklin thought them all right, and Jefferson 
pronounced them all wrong ; the natural result is general 
indifference. Religion is left to shift for itself, the supply 
is regulated by the demand, and competition has lowered 
its value by adopting an inferior material, and coarse 
workmanship. Fashion invents new patterns, and each 
succeeding season announces some attractive novelty. 
The original emigrant retains with some difficulty the 
creed he received from his priest ; his faith is less lively, 
but still he is a believer. It is different with his descend- 
ants, who often exercise their own judgment, and choose 
for themselves. But, though he adheres to his church, 
his habits are altered and improved : he becomes in- 
dustrious, and his condition is ameliorated. His kind- 
hearted and affectionate feelings are not merely preserved, 
but enhanced by distance. He works hard to save, and 
he saves to import his relatives to the comfortable home 
he has provided for them in the West. The Irish poor 
are rich in love — in love for their parents, their children, 
their friends, and their countrymen. No one is so 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 69 

destitute, but that he will give of his last loaf and divide 
his last sixpence with one poorer or more destitute than 
he is, and, when all is gone, he mingles benedictions on 
others with prayers for himself. Poor Pat ! Your 
virtues are all your own, while your faults are engrafted 
upon you by others. Your impulses are good, but your 
training has been vicious. Providence has bestowed upon 
you a beautiful and fertile country, and a climate the 
most agreeable and salubrious in the world. You are in 
possession of the same civil and religious liberty as the 
English, and the union of 'the two countries insures to 
you any amount of capital that may be required to 
develop the resources of Ireland. Receive with cordiality 
those who are willing to assist you, as well because it is 
their duty, as because it is their interest to do so. You 
yourselves oppose the only obstacles to your own prosperity. 
While preparing for my departure to England, I 
witnessed one of those sad scenes that, alas ! are of 
constant occurrence in Ireland — an assemblage of emi- 
grants embarking on board a steamer, to be conveyed to 
the clipper ship, ' Cariboo,' bound to Quebec. It was a 
touching spectacle. Old and young were taking leave of 
their relatives and friends to seek their fortunes in a 
distant land ; and the mutual grief of the parties, as they 
bade each other a long and final farewell, was most heart- 
rending. Entreaties were exchanged amid tears, em- 
braces, and blessings on the one hand, to be remembered 
in the prayers of those who were about to embark ; and on 
the other earnest vows never to forget them, and to 
provide funds as soon as possible to enable them to reach 
their new home. Again and again they renewed their 
adieux, and at last were only separated by the by- 
standers, and the stern voice of command from the 
steamer. Long after the ship got under weigh, hats and 



70 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

handkerchiefs were waved by the passengers and their 
bereaved friends on shore, until they faded from the view 
of each other in the distance. Both the emigrants and 
their attendants appeared to have come from the wilds of 
the west coast of Ireland. They were an uncouth and 
uncivilized people, many of whom were ignorant of English, 
and spoke only their native language, and most of them 
were dressed in a garb now but rarely seen, even at Cork. 
They were all poor, and in appearance far below the 
average run of Irish emigrants, while their chests and 
boxes were of the most primitive and rustic kind I ever 
beheld. It was long ere the sorrowing friends who had 
accompanied them to the quay withdrew their anxious 
gaze from the river, and began to think of their return 
homeward. Little was said ; it was a silent and mourn- 
ful group ; their hearts seemed too full for utterance. So 
many ties had been suddenly rent asunder ; so many 
recollections rapidly passed through their minds ; and so 
little knowledge of the distant country to which the exiles 
were bound existed among the mourners, that the world 
appeared to them a dark, dreary waste, without one ray 
of hope to lighten it. The priest had blessed them, it is 
true, but, alas ! he was no prophet ; he had often blessed 
the dead, as w r ell as the living ; still it was a consolation 
to know that his holy benedictions followed them. But 
the sea — the awful, unknown, bottomless sea — was to be 
passed, and storms, hurricanes, and mountain waves way- 
laid them in their course, and who could say whether 
they would survive all these trials and reach their desti- 
nation. Their minds were agitated by doubts and fears ; 
they could think of but one thing at a time, and that was 
their desolation and their sorrow. Short and inaudible 
prayers were uttered from the depths of their hearts for 
the beloved seafarers, and for patience and endurance for 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 71 

themselves. All at present was blank, but hope might 
come with the morning to illumine their darkness, and to 
vivify a. faith which, though it slumbered, was strong 
even unto death. * God,' said the priest, in words they 
had often heard, but never fully and deeply felt before, 
' God knows all, ordains all, and is merciful to all.' 

It was a spectacle never to be forgotten. I have not 
the nerves to witness human misery without deep emotion, 
and I shall avoid a scene like this for the future. A 
stranger, at best, can give but little consolation, and his 
presence is often irksome to those whose only relief is in 
an unrestrained utterance of the sorrows of their hearts. 
There were others, however, unconnected with the exiles, 
who viewed their departure in a different light, and 
envied their good fortune, in being able to leave poverty 
and wretchedness behind them, and to exchange the land of 
buttermilk and potatoes for that of substantial abundance. 

A small band that had just landed from a river 
steamer struck up a merry tune, ' Cheer, boys, cheer,' 
which was followed by ' Garryowen,' and ' There's a 
good time coming.' The music, as it was kindly in- 
tended, diverted the attention of the idlers, whom the 
bustle and excitement of the embarkation had collected 
on the quay. Conspicuous among them was a tall, power- 
ful, unshorn countryman, carrying a stout shillelagh 
under his arm, and having a rollicking, devil-may-care 
sort of air that gave you an idea of a very droll but 
dangerous fellow. His habiliments bespoke an utter 
disregard of the becomings. His hat had survived the 
greater part of its rim and its crown, and bore evident 
marks of rough usage and hard blows. It looked as if it 
had been thrown, rather than placed on his head, and had 
nearly missed its hold, hanging jauntily on one side, as if 
regardless of its safety. His coat reached nearly to his 



72 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

heels, and exhibited many rents and fractures, that had 
carried away much of the original materials ; a loose, 
sailor-like, black tie displayed a strong, muscular neck ; 
while soap-coloured breeches, unfastened at the knees, long 
grey stockings, and a pair of coarse, strong brogues, 
completed his costume. He was one of those peripatetic, 
rustic philosophers, so often met with a few years ago in 
Ireland, whose philanthropy was inexhaustible. He 
went about doing good, assisting a friend to fight at a 
fair, doing honour to the dead, by carousing at his wake, 
and howling and drinking at his funeral. Work was not 
his vocation : he considered it only fit for a ' nagur ' or a 
Scotchman (for both of whom he had a supreme contempt), 
and not at all suited to the superior dignity of a Galway 
boy. Still he was most scrupulous in the fulfilment 
of an oath, for having sworn not to drink whisky again, 
as long as he remained on earth, he climbed into a 
tree, and got drunk there, to keep his vow to the letter. 
Addressing himself to me, whom he had previously 
scanned and measured with his eye, he said, ' It's a noble 
counthry entirely, yer honour, that the boys are goin' to. 
They tell me Canady is a beautiful island, where land 
can be had for the asking, let alone the whisky, no rent 
to pay, and no agents (bad luck to them) to grind up the 
poor along with the corn. I hope it will be my turn next. 
Did yer honour iver see that counthry ?' 

< Yes,' said I ; ' I know it well.' 

' Then, it's glad I am to fall in wid yer honour. 
Maybe you'd be after knowing one Phelim M'Carty, 
there, a brother of mine, by his father's side, but not by 
his mother's? You'd know him by the loss of an eye. 
He took two of them into the fair at Ballinasloe, and only 
fetched one home wid him. Bad luck to the boy that 
did him that turn. It was more by accident than any 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 73 

thing else he hit him that blow ; for sorra a man could 
stand before Phelim ; and a dacent lad he was too ; and 
great at book-larnin'. Did yer honour ever see him in 
yer thravels ?' 

c No,' I, said ' I never saw him. Canada is a large 
country, larger than England, Ireland, and Scotland put 
together, and it would have been mere accident if I had 
seen him/ 

* Bedad, I didn't think of that, yer honour ; so it is ; 
and maybe if you had seen him you couldn't have known 
his name was Phelim M'Carty, unless he told you himself. 
It's mighty well he is doing too, for he gets four pounds 
a month wages, and is after having me out, to do for me 
also/ 

* The reason he is doing well there,' I said, ' is because 
he is obliged to work. If he had been willing to labour, 
he could have done equally well at home, for this is as 
good a country as Canada ; and if a man is industrious 
and prudent, he can earn an honest livelihood anywhere.' 

' It's chape talkin',' he replied, ' but the work is not to 
be had ; and when a poor man gets it, it's not worth havin' ; 
the pay won't keep body and soul togither. They won't 
give us a chance at all, at all, here/ 

' Well, my friend,' I said, ' if you were to make your 
appearance in that dress in Canada, you would stand a 
poor chance to get employment, I assure you. Why, 
now, don't you cut off a piece of the tail of that long coat 
of yours, and mend the rest with it?' A deep flush 
suffused his cheek at that question, as if he would like to 
resent it ; but suddenly assuming an arch look, he said, 
8 Did yer honour ever hear of Corney O'Brien's pig?' 

' Never,' I replied ; ' but what has that to do with 
mending the coat ?' 

* Yer honour will see it has a good dale to do with it, 

E 




74 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

when you hear about that self-same pig. He was a 
knowing craythur,' he continued, casting a significant 
glance at me, ' and there is many a larned pig don't know 
as much as he did, after all. Well, he knew if he hadn't 
a penny in his mouth, the devil a bit would the keeper 
let him go through the pike. So what does he do, but 
watch for a chance to slip through unbeknownst to him. 
He walked about unconcarned, as if he was only looking 
for a bit of a thistle to eat, or a root of grass to grub up ; 
but for all that, he kept one eye on the bar and the other 
on the keeper the while, and when it was opened, he 
dashed through in spite of him, but, faix ! he left his tail 
behind, for the keeper shut the gate to so quick, it cut it 
short off, to the stump. Well, the craythur was so 
ashamed of the short dock, he never could look an honest 
pig in the face ever afterwards. It would be just the 
same with me, as Corney's pig, yer honour. If I was to 
cut the tail of my cut off, I should never be able to look, a 
dacent man in the face afterwards,' and he walked away 
with the triumphant air of a man who has silenced his 
adversary. 

' Ah,' said I, to my friend Cary, 'emigration is the 
only cure for such a fellow as that. Mere, he is either 
proud of that badge of poverty, or indifferent to it. In 
Canada he would be ashamed of it, and could not wear 
it. Here, his countrymen see no harm in it, there they 
would see nothing but degradation and national disgrace 
in it/ 

' Coelum non animum mutant,' &c. &c, is not ap- 
plicable to Irish emigrants. A change of country involves 
an entire change in the man. But it is now time for us 
to proceed to Queenstown, and embark for England. 

Cork has something more to boast of than its noble 
harbour and its splendid scenery. It is the birthplace of 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 75 

more eminent men than any other city in Ireland. It has 
had the honour of producing Crofton Croker, Murphy, 
Dr. Maginn, Father Prout (Mahony), and Sheridan 
Knowles, besides many others distinguished as painters 
and sculptors, such as Barry, Maclise, and Hogan. It is 
but a faint expression of my feelings to say that I left 
Cork with great regret. We impose needless obligations 
on ourselves, and then obey them as if they were inevit- 
able. I intended to remain only a short time, and I 
returned home, for no better reason than because I had 
so decided. 

In an hour after witnessing the embarkation of the 
emigrants we were on board the Peninsular and Oriental 
Company's steamer, the ' Madras/ and under weigh for 
Southampton. This beautiful ship was on a trial trip, 
and the Directors kindly offered us a passage home in 
her. I have more than once made a voyage in the noble 
vessels of this Company, in other parts of the world, and 
they well merit the high character they have for speed, 
comfort, and safety. The Cunard line belongs to a firm, 
and the Directors are the owners, who derive all the 
advantage resulting from their management, a stimulant 
far beyond salaries or commissions. Their own capital is 
at stake, as well as their character. They are neither 
subject to the caprice nor the penuriousness of share- 
holders, nor are they tempted into extravagance under the 
idea that the expenditure, as well as the risk, falls prin- 
cipally upon others. The net gain, and the whole loss, is 
distributed amongst the members of the firm. It is tiiere-. 
fore, like all partnership concerns, better managed than 
when the authority is deputed to others. In the one case 
it is the interest of all to exercise a minute and careful 
supervision over the affairs ; in the other, the larger the 
expenditure the greater the remuneration received by 

E2 



76 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

the agents. This Transatlantic line is therefore an ex- 
ceptional case, and cannot be compared to those of a joint 
stock character. But of all the other Ocean Steam Associa- 
tions, that of the Peninsular and Oriental Steam Company- 
is by far the best managed, and the most successful. It 
has a great advantage in having grown up by degrees to its 
present magnitude, whereby the experience of the ma- 
nagers grew with it, while others, originally undertaken 
upon a large scale by persons not conversant with such 
affairs, broke down, to the loss and mortification of the 
subscribers, and the great disappointment of the public. 
This is a circumstance wholly overlooked by the Govern- 
ment, by which large sums of money have been recklessly 
thrown away. The tender of the Australian Steam 
Company for the conveyance of the mails to Melbourne, 
though exceeding that of the Peninsular and Oriental 
line for the same service, by £40,000 per annum, was 
accepted by Government, under the absurd idea of distri- 
buting their contracts among different parties, in order 
to prevent any association from becoming too powerful. 
The result, as predicted by those acquainted with the 
subject, was complete failure, and after an immense loss 
resort was ultimately had to this association, who perform 
the work most admirably. Steamers are built, and run 
at an enormous expense, and although the postal subsidy 
may seem large, and the passenger and freight traffic very 
great (which are obvious to all, and easily calculated), 
the outlay is so continuous and enormous, the staff so 
numerous and costly, the losses (when they occur) so large, 
and the deterioration in the value of the property so rapid 
that nothing can insure success but the most careful and 
judicious management, combined with a thorough know- 
ledge of the business in all its various branches. Hence 
the failure of many French and American companies 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 77 

including those known by the name of the * Collins Line 
of Steamers,' and a similar fate awaits others that are 
now struggling with hopeless difficulties. 

Infinite credit is due by the travelling public to this 
association, and by the proprietors to their Directors, for 
furnishing a line of steamers equalled only by those of 
Cunard, superior even to them in number, and in all 
respects far beyond those of every other nation in the 
world. Safe in foul weather, commodious and agreeable 
in fine, they have smoothed and shortened the route to 
the East, and by affording easy access to those distant 
possessions have strengthened our hold upon them, both 
politically and commercially. System, order, regularity, 
due subordination, and economy pervade every department 
of their vast establishment, while no money is spared in 
procuring the strongest and best vessels, the ablest and 
most efficient officers, and in providing good accommodation 
and liberal fare for the passengers. I like a steamer, 
and only wish the present voyage was j longer than from 
Cork to Southampton. What a glorious thing is the sea, 
the vast, the boundless sea ! How bracing and refreshing 
the breeze ! How the spirits are exhilarated by speed, 
and how proudly you walk the deck, in conscious strength 
of having subdued the ocean and made it subservient to 
your will. The flapping sail and the listless calm, the dull 
and monotonous rolling of the inert and helpless ship, the 
drowsy, dreamy days of time that stood still, the anxious 
survey of the sky for indications of the awakening breeze, 
the baffled hope, the oppressive feeling of despondency at 
head winds and adverse seas that overpowered us of old, 
are recollections of the past that only seem to increase 
the pleasure derived from a power that bears us on with 
unabated, unaltered speed, regardless alike of currents 
or adverse gales. How superior is it to a railway 



78 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

train : you have room to move and to walk about, you 
inhale with delight the fresh air, and you soon become 
known to all your fellow-travellers. You relish your 
meals, and have an increased appetite for them (if you 
are a good sailor, if not, you had better stay at home and 
read the travels of others). You have time to eat, your 
progress is not delayed by the operation, and you can sit 
and sip your wine at your leisure ; and enjoy the varied 
conversation of your companions. How different is all 
this from the rush into a refreshment room, where stale 
pastry, coarse meat, detestable coffee, thick soup, and bad 
tea are served and swallowed in haste, amidst a standing, 
elbowing, noisy crowd. The hour, too, after a light supper 
is most enjoyable ; your companions are generally men of 
the world, and from all parts of the globe, and the con- 
versation is equally various and amusing. Every man is 
a walking, talking book of travels, having the advantage 
over a printed one of possessing the ability to explain 
what is obscure, to abridge what is diffuse, or enlarge 
what is too brief. There is less reserve than in general 
society, and individual character is more developed. It 
affords a good study of human nature. When the bell 
rings for the extinguishment of lights, instead of spread- 
ing out a railway wrapper and reclining your head against 
the corner of the carriage, you get into your snug, com- 
fortable berth, and are rocked to sleep by the lullaby of 
the billows. Oh ! commend me to an ocean steamer, and 
let those who prefer railways have their monopoly of 
smoke, dust, noise, tremulous carriages, and sulky, super- 
cilious companions. 

As soon as I had disposed of my traps in my state- 
room, and mounted the deck, I recognised an old super- 
numerary officer of the Company with whom I had made 
a voyage or two in the Mediterranean. Captain Rivers 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 79 

is a well-known character, and has heen so long in the 
service that he is generally styled ' Commodore. ' He 
was not attired in the uniform of the Company, as he 
was not on duty, but in the usual undress sea suit of a 
seaman, and a jolly, thoroughgoing sailor he was ! Short, 
thick set, rather inclined to corpulency, and bearing a 
full, florid, good-humoured countenance : who that had 
ever seen him could forget the Commodore ! 

' Ah, my good friend,' he said, as he shook me heartily 
by the hand, ' I am glad to see you, I thought you were 
in the Pacific/ After a while our conversation naturally 
turned on the past, and the incidents of our voyages in 
the Mediterranean. ' Did you ever meet that Yankee 
lady again,' he said, ' who came from Malta with us, Mrs. 
Balcom ? A pleasant little woman that : she was the on y 
American lady I ever met that laughed heartily : they are 
generally so formal, precise, and cold. Their smiles are 
like winter sunbeams on ice, bright enough to dazzle your 
eyes, while your feet are freezing. A Yankee lady is 
like a badly boiled potato, floury outside, but with a bone at 
the heart. Give me an English girl after all ; when they 
do love they love you in earnest, I won't say there are not 
matches made for money here as elsewhere ; but in a gene- 
ral way they don't begin with the " everlasting dollar." ' 

' No,' I said, i they may not originate in it, but how 
often mere love matches end in " dolor/' ' It was a bad 
pun ; I never perpetrated a good one in my life, and I am 
glad of it, for there is little beyond knack in making 
them. Good or bad, however, the Commodore did not 
take it, though, like every one else who don't perceive the 
point, he looked rather abroad, smiled, and said, ' Oh, 
yes, that is very true/ 

' But to get back to my story,' he continued. ' I 
thought Mrs. Balcom would have died at a story I told 



80 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

her of a German lady's delicate health, who made a trip 
with me from Marseilles to Alexander — did I ever tell 
you that story ?' 

' Not that I recollect.' 

4 Well, one morning I overheard the stewardess in- 
quiring kindly after her health : she answered her very 
despondingly : " Oh, ver bad. All ze night I was more 
bad zan avair ; ze head, ze back, ze limbs, zo bad I can- 
not tell." 

4 " Would you like to have some breakfast, madam ?" 

' " Don't know — ver sick wiz de sea malj what ave 
you? 

' " Get you anything nice, madam." 

1 " Ave you ze beefsteak ?" 

1 " Yes, madam." 

4 " I take ze beefsteak. Ave you ze mutton-chop, ze 
potate, ze tomate, wiz ze coffe and hot cake ?" 

' " Oh, yes. Is there anything else you would like to 
have, madam ?" 

4 " Ah, mon Dieu, I cannot tell. I ver indispose. 
Stop, mamselle ; bring me after dat ze lobstair, cowcumber, 
and ze oil. Tell I you I ver bad apetize ?" And she 
tucked them in one after the other in great style. Lord ! 
how Mrs. Balcom laughed at that story ; and then she 
went, and got out her writing-desk, and made me say it 
over and over, word by word, until she had it all correct. 
She said she was paid to write letters about what she 
could pick up in her travels for newspapers, and it helped 
to defray her expenses — a queer idea, ain't it ? " Well, 
ma'am," says I, " if you want queer anecdotes, I can tell 
you them by the dozen, for in course I have seen a great 
many people in my day, and heard all sorts of things, as 
you may suppose from my having been so long in the 
service. Why, bless your heart, ma'am," says I, " I took 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 81 

three-fourths of the English and French army to the 
Crimea in that noble ship the Simla." 

' " Oh," said Colonel Van Ransellier, an American friend 
of hers, " come now, Commodore, you are going that rather 
too rapid. I won't say you lie, because that ain't polite, 
but you talk uncommonly like me, when I lie. Do you 
mean to say that you actually took three-fourths of 
the allied army to the Crimea in that are ship ?" 

< " I do." 

'"Allatonest?" 

' " No, not all at once, because that would be going 
rather too rapid, as you say ; but I did it in three trips, 
though. What do you think of that ?" 

' " Well, I'll tell you what I think of it," said he. " Did 
you ever see the celebrated American Circus Company, 
belonging to Squire Cushing, that's performing to 
London ?" 

< " Yes, I have." 

'"Well, so far so good. Did you ever see the man 
that climbed up a pole, and stood on his head on it ?" 

'"I have." 

' " Well, I told a down-easter, from the State of Maine, 
I had seen it done, and he replied he did not doubt it, 
for he had done more nor that himself." 

< "What, says! 

i " Why, says he, I climbed up the pole the same as 
he did, only I guess it was an everlasting sight longer 
one, and then I stood on my head on it. 

< " Well, says I, what then ? 

' " Why, says he, stranger, I don't suppose you'll 
believe it ; but I'll tell you what I did. When I was 
standin' on my head on the top of that are pole, I jist 
raised myself up a little with my arms, opened my jaws, 
put my teeth to it, and pulled it right up out of the 

e3 



82 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

ground, and then jumped down, with one end of it in my 
mouth. 

' " Well, says I, I don't believe it, and that's flat. 

' " I shouldn't wonder, said he, if you didn't. But I 
have told it so often, I believe it myself — I actually do. 

( " Now, Commodore," said the Colonel, " I guess you 
have told that ere story so often, you begin to believe it 
yourself, like that Kentuckian chap. What will you bet 
you did it ?" 

6 "A hundred dollars," says I. 

* "I'll bet you two hundred," said he, "you didn't." 

' " Done !" said I, and we staked the money and appointed 
our umpire. " Now," says I, " I took the Fourth Foot 
one voyage, the Fourth Dragoons the second voyage, and 
the Fourth French Chasseurs d'Afrique the third voyage ; 
and that is the three-fourths of the army in three voy- 
ages. What do you say to that, Colonel ?" said I. 

' "Sold !" said he, " every mite and morsel of me, and 
well sold, too — that's a super-superior catch, Write that 
story down, and sign it, and put the P. and O. ship's 
name, the Simla, down, too, lest I should forget it, and 
let the umpire write on it that he decided it against me, 
and sign his name and title in full. Let it appear an 
ondeniable fact, that's all I ask. I don't grudge the 
money, it's only fifty pounds, and I'll make as many 
hundreds out of it when I get home." 

' Lord ! I shall never forget the day I was commanded 
to prepare to take the first regiment. A lieutenant in 
the navy came on board with the order : and they are 
gentlemen that recognise no officer afloat but themselves, 
and think they have a monopoly of all the seamanship 
and knowledge of navigation in the world. So when he 
comes on board, said he : "I want to see Mr. Rivers." 
My first officer, who saw he was giving himself airs, and 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 83 

had no mind to stand it, said : " There is no Mr. Rivers 
here, sir ; you have come to the wrong ship." 

1 " Isn't this the Simla ?" 

'"It is." 

' "Who commands her?" 

' " Captain Rivers." 

< " Well, tell Mr. Rivers I want to see him." 

'"I tell you, sir, there is no Mr. Rivers here." 

* " Well, tell him that commands her, then, that 
Lieutenant Jenkins, of Her Majesty's ship the Blunder- 
buss, is the bearer of an order from the Admiral." 

* So what does he do but call the second officer, and 
says he, " Tell Captain Rivers a Mr. Jenkins is here 
with an order from the flag-ship." The lieutenant was 
very angry; but other people have short memories as 
well as navy officers. When he delivered the order, he 
complained to me of my officer for rudeness, and I called 
him and rebuked him for it. Says I, " If this gentleman 
forgets what is due to others, you should never forget 
what is due to yourself." I must say, though, that the 
Admiral always treated me with great condescension and 
kindness ; and a thorough sailor he was, too, which was 
more than could be said of some others I knew in the 
fleet. Steam has played the deuce with our sailors; 
they are not what they used to be in my younger days. 
Still, they are far before the French in every way, 
although machinery has put them more on a level with 
us than I like. I am sorry you have been away this summer. 
You should have seen the fete at Cherbourg. Ah ! sir, 
that was a beautiful sight. We had glorious weather for 
it; and, I think, we must have astonished the French.' 

1 You mean,' I said, * that Cherbourg astonished you ; 
didn't it?' 

1 Not at all,* he said. « There is a superb dockyard 



84 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

there, and a beautiful harbour, with an entrance at each 
end of it, well protected by powerful batteries. But 
what of all that ? Any harbour can be well fortified ; 
but this place is constructed on old principles, and the 
improvement in modern artillery, and the recent inven- 
tion of new projectiles, render it far less formidable than 
you would suppose. The fleet can be shelled by Whit- 
worth's guns, and burned in the dockyard. But what I 
was alluding to was the spectacle. Why, sir, it was an 
English exhibition in a French harbour. Just imagine a 
fleet of five hundred yachts, belonging to English country 
gentlemen. Beautiful craft, well fitted, well manned, 
and appointed in the most perfect manner, and all de- 
corated with every variety of flag, with just wind enough 
to wave them to advantage. It was a beautiful sight. 
Then there were three of our splendid ships, the Pera, 
the Salsette, and the Benares, three of the finest ships 
afloat — not belonging to Government, but to a company 
of merchants — not selected as show-vessels, but taken 
promiscuously from a fleet of more than fifty, merely 
because they were supernumerary at the time — and this 
company only one of the many great ocean steam com- 
panies of England. Then there was the Etna, belonging 
to the Cunard fleet, as large as a seventy-four gun ship ; 
besides numerous other smaller private steamers. To 
these were added the British squadron of men-of-war ; 
and, above all, the royal yachts of Her Majesty, fitting 
emblems of the Queen of a maritime nation like Great 
Britain. Depend upon it, that spectacle must have struck 
the French as an evidence of the strength, spirit, and 
resources of Great Britain. What they had to show 
consisted of Government works, some ugly forts, a break- 
water, and a dockyard. Their line-of-battle ships were 
so constructed as to render their lower guns useless, even 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 85 

in moderate weather ; and their sailors neither knew how 
to man the yards or to cheer, how to salute their friends 
or daunt their enemies. There is nothing equal, sir, to 
the cheer of the British sailor. It does my heart good 
to hear it. Cherbourg is a good skulking place : it's the 
worst thing in the world to make a navy depend for its 
safety on a fortified harbour. They are used to being 
blockaded, and Cherbourg shows they expect to be 
chased home again. It is a great tribute to our navy, 
but it is a depressing thing to theirs. Fight or sink, do 
or die, is our motto. Cut and run, if they get the worst 
of it, is theirs. If they had no place to run to they would 
fight better. Sebastopol and Cronstadt were the graves 
of the Russian navy, and Cherbourg will prove the same 
for that of the French. The badger and the fox, when 
they " earth, " confess they are not equal to a stand-up 
fight. The bulldog shows his teeth, but never his tail. 
It would have done you good to see the members of the 
House of Commons that went there in the Pera, and to 
listen to their collective wisdom about things they knew 
as much of as a cat does of a punt. The salvos startled 
Roebuck out of a year's growth (indeed Bright says he 
never will grow any more), and l%count Williams was 
outrageous at the amount of powder wasted in the salutes, 
and vowed he would move for a return of the cost. Sir 
Charles Napier was for blockading the harbour, to 
prevent the French ships from getting out, and an old 
Tory Admiral, to keep them from getting in. " There 
you are," said Bernal Osborne, " both of you at the old 
story of ' ins and outs ;' can't you leave your party 
politics at home ?" " Or change them," said Roebuck, 
" as you did your name, from Bernales to Bernal, and 
then add on Osborne, as the Irishman does an outer coat, 
to conceal the holes in the inner one. But the Jew will 



86 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

peep out after all. What a national love you have of 
torturing a fellow you do not like." " Not so much as 
Dizzy has," he said, good-naturedly. " By jingo," said 
an Irish member, " I wish you and your friends Roths- 
child and Solomons would only commit treason ; we'd 
confishcate your property and pay off the national debt 
wid it entirely." " I dare say you do," said Spooner ; 
"the Irish are used to treasons and confiscations, and 

always will while the Maynooth" "Order, order," 

said Roebuck. " You may well say order, order," replied 
the Irishman, " after you have fired your own shot. It's 
the way you did with poor Butt : after you had been the 
paid agent for the Canadian rebels for years, you charged 
Butt with having been the advocate of an Indian prince. 

By the powers of Moll Kelly, if" " Come, come," 

said Lindsay, " no personalities and no politics, for, as an 
Irish friend of mine said of some articles in the Times 
(two of the writers of its editorials being Bob Lowe and 
Dasent), ' These things are more Lowe than Dasent.' I 
move that we nominate a committee of management and 
supply." Oh, dear, it was great fun. They couldn't 
agree upon anything, and first moved resolutions, and 
then amendments, and gave notice to rescind, and then 
debated it all over again, finally adjourned, and then 
resumed the discussion at night. Well, the committee 
of management mismanaged everything. When the boat 
went ashore it got aground and remained there ; when it 
returned to the ship it remained there also ; those that 
landed could not get off, and those that wanted to land 
had no means of reaching the place. One-half of them 
did not get into the docks, and those that did either were 
kept waiting to enter, or were shown out by a different 
gate to that they came in by. It was a droll affair. 
They seemed to have a monopoly of shindies, as the 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 87 

Governor of Malta lias of his capers. You know they 
grow on the ramparts there, and people used to help 
themselves to what they wanted, till a notice was put up 
to prevent them, which ran thus — " No person, except the 
Governor, is allowed to cut capers on these ramparts." 

' If they had left things to us they would have been as 
comfortable as the day was long; but they took the 
direction themselves, and were as uncomfortable as 
people of different opinions well could be. But how can 
you expect politicians to agree, except in disagreeing?' 
Here he suddenly broke off the conversation, saying, 
' Here is old Tom Skinner, who sailed with me in the 
Simla. He is a character, that fellow,' and, allowing me 
to pass on, accosted a queer-looking seaman that was 
going aft to the wheel. l Is that you, Tom Skinner ?' 
said he. * How are you ?' 

6 Pretty well in bodily health, sir,' said the sailor ; ' but 
the Lord fetcheth it out of me in corns.' 

' Are you married yet, Tom ¥ 

< Well, I be.' 

' And how do you get on ?' 

' Well, I can't say it's a woman lost or a man thrown 
away ; it's much of a muchness, sir. She tried it on at 
first, saving your presence, sir, by going to bed missus and 
getting up master; but I soon fetched her up with a 
round turn, and made her coil up the slack. She knows 
her course now, sir, and answers the helm beautiful.' 

Here the dinner-bell rang, and we went below. 

Whoever has been at sea, as I have, in the old sailing- 
packets, can hardly believe the great improvement that 
has been effected in the arrangements of ocean steamers 
for the comfort of passengers. The saloon is as different 
a thing from the cabin of former days as can well be 
imagined. Well lighted and ventilated, spacious and ad- 



00 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

mirably adapted, either for the purposes of a dining or 
sitting room, it has all the convenience that a vessel is 
capable of affording, while the means and mode of cook- 
ing, and the number and training of the waiters, are 
such as to leave passengers no ground to complain of 
their dinner, or the manner in which it is served. They 
are literally floating hotels. On referring to this subject, 
in a conversation with the Commodore, he said, ' This, sir, 
arises from our having a fore and also an after cabin. 
Each has its separate price, and is provided accordingly. 
Those who pay the full fare have the best accommodation ; 
those who are in the forward cabin, and whose passage- 
money is less, are supplied in proportion to what they pay. 
It is not like a Yankee hotel, where there are turkey 
boarders, and corn-beef boarders, I have often laughed 
at a story told me by the Governor's i aide-de-camp at 
Gibraltar, who was a passenger of mine some four or five 
years ago. He said he was once travelling in Connecti- 
cut, and arrived at an inn, where the members of the 
Legislature boarded and dined together. A queer col- 
lection of sages they must have been from his description, 
consisting of farmers, lawyers, ship-builders, lumbermen, 
land speculators, and so forth. The landlord kept a 
capital table, on which was every delicacy of the season. 
Well, a primitive old fellow, a representative of a rural 
district, who knew more of personal than political economy, 
and had been used to coarse fare at home, did not much 
like the expense, and wanted to be served at a lower rate 
than the others ; so he applied to the landlord to reduce 
the fare. " I don't want your venison," he said ; " your 
turkeys, your canvas-back ducks, or your salmon ; let 
those have them that like them, and can afford them ; 
corned-beef is good enough for me. If you will give me 
that, it is all I want, therefore you must reduce the board 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 89 

to me accordingly." The master of the house, who was 
a bit of a wag, agreed to this, and promised to keep silence 
on the subject of the bargain. He knew very well it was the 
secret, and not the arrangement, that would punish Master 
Skinflint ; accordingly he left things to take their course. 
Well, the servants, who were ignorant of the private com- 
pact, offered him in turn every dish on the table. " Bring 
me corned beef," was the invariable order. At length this 
singular and oft- repeated answer attracted the attention 
of everybody at the table, and the waiters, seeing them 
enjoy the joke, continually plied and tempted him with 
every other dish in succession before they obeyed the 
demand for corned-beef. At last the member for Squash- 
ville lost all patience, and roared out in a voice of 
thunder to the servant, " Confound your ugly picture, don't 
you know I am a corned-beef boarder and not a turkey 
boarder P" It grew into a by-word that ; and every shabby 
fellow at an hotel now is called a "corned-beef boarder ;" 
so you see the turkey passengers are here, and the orned- 
beef gentlemen forward. Neither of them have any reason 
to complain. Everything is done liberally here ; and this 
I must say, I prefer this service to that of the navy ; the 
officers are better paid, better found, and better treated 
in every respect.' 

After dinner I lighted my cigar, and paced up and 
down the deck, which being flush fore and aft made an 
extended promenade. While thus enjoying my Havannah, 
the first officer, Straglash, whom I had also known in the 
Mediterranean, offered me a chair in his cabin, which 
opened directly on the deck. He was a tall, fine-looking 
fellow, active, intelligent, and every inch a sailor; but 
his face was tinged with that colour that bespeaks expo- 
sure to a tropical climate, and exhibited traces of the 
fearful liver complaint, which seldom fails to await a 



90 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

lengthened service in the East. He appeared to be a 
general favourite among the Directors, who had promised 
him the command of the next new ship that was to be 
added to the fleet. There are two most excellent regu- 
lations in this service — one is, that every officer must, 
before entrance, have previously served four years at sea 
in a sailing vessel, and be able to produce testimonials as 
to competency; and the other is, that there is a regular 
scale of promotion. The first insures the safety of the 
passengers and the ship, and the other, the continued 
services of efficient officers. I accepted Straglash's offer 
of a seat with great pleasure, and we soon fell into con- 
versation upon the subject of the service he was engaged 
in, and the character and speed of the new steamers the 
company had recently built. 'They are capital ships, 
sir/ he said. * You see, our Directors are practical men, 
while their head resident engineer, and local manager, 
are first-rate people. 

' There is a vast difference in their way of doing things 
from that of the Government. You may have heard of 
the loss of the " Transit," an Admiralty ship. Well, sir, 
we sold her to the Government, and what do you think 
they did with her ? Why, they took her into dock and put 
the masts of a line-of-battle ship into her, and when they 
went to take her out she was top-heavy, fell over, and 
smashed in the roof of a warehouse. Our sailors used to 
laugh, and say that she knocked over a church. Sir Charles 
Block, who made this little mistake, ought to be a good 
man, too, sir, for I believe he has crossed the Channel two 
or three times, and I am not sure he didn't once go as far 
as Corfu.' ' Then you don't approve,' I said, ' of the 
First Lord of the Admiralty being a civilian.' ' Well,' he 
said, * I won't say that either. Perhaps there ought to be 
one civilian at the Board ; but he should be a practica 7 




HOMEWARD BOUND. 91 

man himself, if not a ship-owner, and ought to confine 
himself to the business part of the department. Navy 
officers, of course, know more about building, fitting, and 
sailing a ship than others ; but they live so much at sea 
they don't know enough of the business part of it, which 
ought to be left to landsmen. The two branches should 
be kept separate. Leave nautical matters to nautical 
men, but financial and similar matters to civilians. What 
does a country gentleman know of lengthening a vessel 
by cutting her in two, or razeeing a line-of-battle ship ? 
If you converse with him about a paddle he thinks you 
are talking of a horse's pace, and calls it bad action ; 
or of a screw, he applies the remark to an old 
seasoned,, but unsound animal, and tells you he prefers 
him to others for work. In short, he is all abroad. And 
what does an admiral know of mechanics' wages, duties, 
or work, or of contracts for building, for furnishing ma- 
terials, or supplies ? It is only when they step out of 
their own respective lines they go wrong. Both do this 
occasionally, and both get into a mess.' ' Excuse me,' I 
said, ' for interrupting you, but who is that gentleman 
talking to the Commodore ; he looks to me like a clergy- 
man ?' * So he is,' said Straglash ; 'he is the Rector of 
Dockport ; his name is Merrit, but he is better known as 
Old England ; he can never remain contented at home 
for any length of time, and is always calling upon others 
to do his work for him ; so they gave him that nickname, 
because " England expects every man to do Ms duty." 
" Ah," said he to me one day, " Straglash, how I should 
like to be chaplain to this ship ! It is just the parish to 
suit me exactly — 150 feet long, 60 feet wide — no marry- 
ing, no christening, no catechising children, no dissenting 
ministers to drift across your hawser, no running about to 
visit the sick as they are all in one ward, and no super- 
intending schools and quarrelling about the books to be 



92 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

used in them. It's just the place where I could be useful, 
and not be exhausted with labour. My work is now so 
hard I am obliged to keep constantly travelling to recruit 
my strength. How I could devote all my energies to my 
duty, and perform it quickly and quietly ! It is a great 
matter to be quit of wardens, church-rates, and vestry 
meetings. I should like to be a chaplain amazingly. I 
wonder the company don't manage to have one." He is 
a very amusing man, sir ; it's worth your while to talk to 
him, for he is full of anecdote, and takes original views of 
everything. He is always taking a rise out of the old 
Commodore, when he meets him, and I have no doubt he 
is poking fun at him now. You know Captain Rivers 
has been at sea ever since he was a little boy, and has 
been in the service of this Company from its commence- 
ment ; of course, he has met a vast number of people in 
his day, and perhaps he has a larger acquaintance than 
almost any man afloat. Lately his memory is affected by 
age, and he thinks he knows everybody. England and I 
were talking the other day about the Russian navy, when 
the Commodore joined in the conversation. So, says the 
parson (giving me a wink at the time), " Rivers, did you 
ever meet in your travels, Captain Cut-em-off-tail ?" 
" Cut-em-off-tail — Cut-em-off-tail," said the Commodore, 
" let me see." And he put his hand to his forehead. 
"Oh, yes," he said, " I know him ; he commanded a fort 
in the White Sea, when I was there in the Freebooter, 
from Hull — oh, of course, I know him well — a jolly fel- 
low he was too, but a devil to drink brandy." " You are 
mistaken," said Old England, " he is in the navy." 
" You are right," replied the Commodore, " he com- 
manded a three-decker at Sebastopol. I thought I re- 
collected his name — no, I don't know him personally, but 
I have often heard of him. Their names are so queer, 
thev confuse a fellow." ' 



HOMEWARD EOUND. 93 

Resuming our former topic, ' What is the reason,' I said, 
* the Admiralty has such difficulty in manning the navy, 
while you retain your men from year to year, and find it 
so easy to get additional hands when you require them ?' 
' There are many reasons,' he replied, ' but the Admiralty 
is either ignorant of them, or won't believe them. The 
main cause is that the men are not well used, either by 
the country, or on board ship, and the consequence is, 
the service is unpopular. When a war occurs, every in- 
ducement is held out to sailors to enter, and as soon as it 
is over, they are paid off, and turned adrift to shift for 
themselves. They are discharged in such numbers, the 
labour market is glutted ; they can't readily find employ- 
ment, and there is much suffering. Many of them quit 
the country in disgust, and all resolve to have nothing 
further to do with the navy, which, while it almost dis- 
qualifies them from entering merchant ships (for there is 
a feeling against employing men-of-war sailors), recog- 
nises no claim for consideration on account of past ser- 
vices in the hour of need. There are other reasons also. 
They are often away on distant voyages, separated from 
their families and friends, for a very long period, and not 
allowed those indulgences on shore that r they obtain in 
the mercantile marine. No man will bear this from 
choice, nor will he voluntarily submit to the strict disci- 
pline of a man-of-war, unless great pecuniary advantages 
are held out to him. Jack is not the thoughtless fellow 
he used to be, and he can distinguish between necessary 
and arbitrary discipline as well as his superiors. Hence, 
the difficulty some officers find in obtaining a crew, while 
others can man their ships with comparative ease. The 
character of every captain in the navy is generally known 
at all the great seaport towns in the kingdom ; and if any 
one is a tyrant, he cannot complete a crew without obtain- 



94 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

ing drafts from other ships. When a case of this kind 
occurs, it ought to be the duty of the admiral on the 
station to inquire into it ; and if, where sailors are not 
scarce., men decline to enter a particular ship, and their 
refusal can be traced satisfactorily to this cause, that 
circumstance ought to disqualify the captain from being 
further employed. It would be a long story to enter into 
details, but there are many other reasons of a similar 
character to those I have mentioned. One thing is 
certain, if men were as well paid, found, and treated in 
the navy as in merchant ships, and received similar indul- 
gence when in port, they would sooner enter it than the 
other, for the work is far lighter. If they refuse, then 
some one or more, or all of these conditions do not exist. 
Don't look for remote causes, take obvious ones. If the 
service is unpopular, there is a reason for it. Ask the 
sailor himself why he declines, and he will assign some of 
the objections I have mentioned ; but the last man to ex- 
amine on the subject is an officer. If the shoe pinches, 
the sufferer can point to the tender spot better than any 
one else. Don't treat a sailor like a horse, and try with 
a hammer where the nail pricks him, but ask him to put 
his finger on it, and then draw it out. It is in vain to 
pump a ship, unless you stop the leak, or she will fill 
again immediately. 

* It reminds me of a trick I once saw played upon a 
couple of Irishmen in Boston Harbour, when I was there 
in the " Europa" mail steamer. Two emigrants went on 
board of a fishing schooner that was lying there, and applied 
for work. They were told there was nothing for them 
to do, and were entreated to go away. But they wouldn't 
take no for an answer, and the men on board, finding they 
couldn't get rid of them, set them to work, and told them 
if they would pump the vessel dry they would give them 



HOMEWARD BOUND. 95 

a dollar apiece, but that they would have to keep at it 
incessantly, or they couldn't do it. Well, the Irishmen 
commenced in earnest, and worked away with all their 
might ; and the sailors leaving them to finish their job, 
landed and went into the town. Three or four hours 
afterwards, the Captain came on board and found the 
poor fellows almost dead with fatigue, and inquired of 
them what they were at. When they informed him 
of the bargain they had made, he almost laughed himself 
into fits. The vessel, it seems, had a false floor, and 
between the bottom and that, the space was filled with 
water, by means of holes near the keel, to give a continued 
supply to the fish that were brought alive in that manner 
to the market. Of course it flowed in as fast as they 
drew it ; and they would have had to pump Boston har- 
bour dry before they could free the vessel. It was the 
greatest case of sell, I think, I ever saw. 

' That is pretty much the case with the inquiry the 
Board of Admiralty make about manning the navy. They 
must go to the bottom of the thing. They must ascertain 
the cause of the repugnance sailors entertain to the 
service ; and having discovered and removed that, they 
will have more volunteers than they require, and every 
ship will have a picked crew. Competitive examination 
may be a good thing, sir, but believe me, common sense 
is far better/ But, rising abruptly, he said : ' Here we 
are, sir, at " The Needles ;" excuse me if you please ; we 
must have our eyes out here. It won't do to have the 
same old story of collision.' Each well-known object, as 
we passed it, afforded a subject for remark ; but con- 
tinuous conversation (as is always the case towards the 
termination of a voyage) was at an end. 

I safely landed at Southampton. To-morrow 1 hope 
to avail myself of my Season Ticket. 



( 96 ) 



No. IV. 

' A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, AND THOUGHTS IN A TRAIN.' 

Here I am at last at Southampton, after my Irish trip ; 
but unlike most tourists, I am not content. I have 
travelled so much of late years, that restlessness, like the 
policeman, admonishes me to ' move on.' I shall now use 
my Season Ticket, going up to London one day and re- 
turning the next. It will give me what I require — change 
of scene and amusement. I cannot yet settle down to 
any occupation ; but this daily routine will soon become 
wearisome, and when I am tired of it I shall be content 
to be stationary. I do not call it travelling ; it does not 
deserve to be dignified with such a name. It is taking a 
daily drive with new companions ; it is a mere change of 
place and associates. Travelling is a far more compre- 
hensive term, and is undertaken for very different objects, 
and very different reasons. Some go abroad, not to gain 
information, but because others go, and they consider it 
disgraceful not to have seen as much as their neighbours. 
In like manner, few people read ' Paradise Lost,' for any 
other reason than that they feel ashamed to confess their 
ignorance and want of appreciation of the poem. Men do 
not like to be considered heretics, and are therefore com- 
pelled to conform to the received opinion, instead of con- 
fessing the difficulty they have had in wading through the 
beauties of Milton. If they dared to do so, they would 



ETC. 97 

say they infinitely preferred Hudibras ; but alas ! they 
have not courage to speak the truth. To people of this 
description, ' The Grand Tour ' is a ' customs duty,' that 
must be paid, like the Income or Property Tax. It is an 
incident of station. There is nothing in the prospect, but 
heat or cold, fatigue or disappointment, extortion or 
robbery ; bad inns, bad beds, and worse attendance ; bad 
roads, bad wines, and a long catalogue of various suffer- 
ings, haunt them like uneasy dreams. But they have no 
option; go they must, or be set down as nobodies, or 
thrown out in conversation. It won't do now-a-days to 
say ' England is good enough for me.' It may, indeed, 
be good enough for you, but you are not good enough for 
it, unless you have been abroad. The schoolmaster has 
gone there, so you must follow him. 

When people marry, fashion ordains that they should 
make a wedding tour. Some go to Ireland (it is a pity more 
do not follow their example), and some to Paris ; while 
others feel that a trip up the Rhine is more desirable, 
because they can then understand Albert Smith, and 
ascertain whether the German they have learned at school 
at all resembles what is spoken by the inhabitants. If 
these newly married persons really love each other, they 
can have but little inclination for sight-seeing ; and if 
they don't, both matrimony and its inevitable tour must 
be great bores. 

In my opinion, custom has ordained it rather as a 
penance than a pleasure, for it has in general mercifully 
limited its duration to a month. There is a prescribed 
course that must ba followed. Folly presides at the 
arrangements, and regulates the ceremony. There is a 
well-dressed mob in the church, and a badly-dressed one 
at the door : there is a crowd of bridesmaids, and another 
of groomsmen, while two or three clergymen assist the 

F 



98 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

overtasked bishop in a laborious service that extends to 
the extraordinary length of fifteen minutes. The bells 
ring a merry peal, so loud and so joyous, one can scarcely 
believe they could ever toll. There are heaps of orna- 
ments, instead of simplicity, and heaps of dresses and 
their concomitants, in defiance of the injunction against 
' outward adorning or plaiting the hair, and of wearing of 
gold, and putting on of apparel.' There are also lots of 
gossip among young spinsters, and of envy among those 
of a certain age. The bride is loudly praised and 
flattered ; but it is sometimes whispered she is sacrificing 
herself to a stupid old millionaire, or, what is no less 
deplorable, parting with her own large fortune, to regild 
a tarnished coronet. The dejeuner follows, with its dull 
speeches, some of which draw tears, and others blushes ; 
and then comes the inevitable tour. There are new 
trunks, new dressing-cases, and new equipages. Every- 
thing is new — they ought to be so, for they are to last a 
long time. It is a pity the bridegroom is not new also. 
He is a good deal worn ; but, then, he is well got up, and 
looks as fresh as ever. The happy pair are united at 
last, tears and kisses are mingled. 

Mixtures are apt to be cloudy or discoloured, and the 
current of true love does not always run smooth — at least 
poets say so, and they, like painters, are always true to na- 
ture, when they copy it. The experience of others is of little 
value, and we all hope to be exceptions to general rules. 
Smack go the whips, and away fly the horses — the happy 
couple commence their wedding tour. They will not 
receive company for some time, so we shall not intrude 
further upon them. 

This is the fashion — and fashion must be obeyed : the 
high and the low, the rich and the poor conform to it. 
Even the American negro apes his betters. When I was 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 99 

at the National Hotel at Baltimore, Jackson, the black 
butler (General Jackson, as he was called), was married 
with much pomp and ceremony to Miss Venus Cato — 
both were slaves. The wedding feast was liberally pro- 
vided by the landlord, and the lodgers all attended to do 
honour to the faithful servants. At its close, a carriage 
drove to the door, and, to my astonishment, conveyed 
away the smiling and happy bride. * Why, General,' I 
said, ' what is the meaning of all this ? Why don't you 
accompany your wife ?' ' Massa,' he said, ( you know de 
quality all take de tower when dey is married ; so as I 
' can't be spared (for as me and massa keeps dis hotel, we 
must attend to our business ; dat ar a fac), I tought I'd 
send Miss Wenus by herself to take her tower, an enjoy 
herself. I wouldn't 'prive her of dat pleasure for nothen 
in de world. I scorn a mean action as I does a white 
servant.' 

Perhaps, after all, there is some sense in wedding 
tours. At first, the attention of the happy pair is drawn 
from each other by change of scene, and afterwards by 
the duties of life. It lets them down easily. It is a dis- 
solving view, that imperceptibly discloses a stern reality. 

Then there is travelling on business. This is work, 
and not pleasure. The horse does the same ; he performs 
his daily stage, and returns to his stall at night ; but 
neither he nor his driver are much the wiser for the 
journey — it must be done, and what is compulsory is 
always irksome. There is, also, an absconding trip by 
the night express train to the Continent, which promises 
so much immunity, that a return ticket is unnecessary. 
Men who live too fast, are apt to take sudden journeys, 
and travel post haste. It is an Israelitish exodus. The 
Egyptians are plundered before the flight, and left to 
mourn the spoils that were obtained from them under 

F2 



100 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

false pretences. The sea is placed between the fugitives 
and their pursuers. The air of France is more suited to 
complaints of the chest, than that of England. It is vulgar 
economy to avoid incurring debts, true wisdom consists in 
evading their payment. Many a debtor is whitewashed 
by a sojourn on the other side of the Channel. When he 
lands, he has a receipt in full for all past liabilities. 
Several French towns are honoured by this class of tra- 
vellers ; and their conduct and character are such as to 
give foreigners a very exalted opinion of ' Milord Anglais.' 
Their expatriation is a strong proof of their paternal 
affection, for the reason generally assigned for their exile 
is, that they may obtain a suitable education for their 
children. They avoid the society of those they knew at 
home, for recognition invariably brings painful remem- 
brances ; but they are hospitable and considerate to their 
young and rich countrymen who visit them, and show 
them practically the danger of gambling, by first winning 
their money, and then console them, by pointing out 
how fortunate they have been in not falling into the 
clutches of foreign professional sharpers. In return for 
all these delicate but most useful attentions, the only 
favour (and that is a very small one) which they conde- 
scend to ask or receive is, to have a bill cashed on their 
banker, C. Stuart, Esq., No. 1 Cockspur-street. The 
travellers are well pleased to accommodate their hospitable 
English friends in such trifling matters ; it is the only 
compensation they can make for their kindness, and for 
the visit they have rendered so agreeable. What could 
they have done without these residents, for they were 
unable to understand the natives, and the French never 
speak English ? The money is paid and received, as a 
matter of course, and when the bill is presented, the en- 
lightened tourist finds that C. Stuart is the bronze statue 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 101 

of Charles the First, which obstructs and disfigures 
Charing Cross ; that a bankrupt king makes an indifferent 
banker, and that worldly wisdom can be acquired in 
London as easily, and far more cheaply, than either at 
Nice or Boulogne. 

Yankee travellers are not so easily taken in. As they 
say of themselves, with great complacency, 'they have 
cut their eye teeth.' * You might as well try to catch a 
weasel asleep as to find them napping.' ' You can't draw 
the wool over their eyes.' * They were not born yester- 
day.' ' They are wide awake.' 

These and many other elegant phrases of the same 
description indicate at once their superiority over Bri- 
tishers and their contempt for them. 

These English absentees and Yankee bagmen, are the 
scum of Great Britain and America, that floats on the 
surface of the Continent. They are avoided by the elite 
of both countries, and must not be considered as types of 
either nation. The former go abroad to avoid the pay- 
ment of debts ; the latter to incur expenditure they cannot 
afford, and both bring discredit on their countrymen. 
These Yankee tourists thoroughly enjoy the trip to 
Europe. They set apart as large a sum of money for the 
purpose as is compatible with safety, and when that is 
expended they return to America. It is a matter of in- 
difference whether this happens in three or in six months. 
Money is no object, credit is capital — as long as one lasts 
the other abounds. If they cannot afford the expense, 
some one else can. John Bull will * do, or die ;' Jona- 
than will * do, or break.' That is the difference between 
a high and a low tone of principle. To die in the pursuit 
of any object is sheer folly. To fail, and then to try 
again, is worldly wisdom. A good bankrupt law is a 
great blessing; there is no sponge like a judicial one. 



102 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

It effaces all scores ; it gives a clean slate to recommence 
addition and multiplication ; it prevents total annihilation. 
Instead of utterly ruining one merchant, it diffuses the 
loss over a great multitude of traders and manufacturers 
who have no reason to complain, because allowance is 
made for bad debts in their prices. The world is merely 
a large mutual insurance association, which sustains indi- 
vidual losses, and pays the amount out of the premiums 
represented by their gains. To pay a dividend is more 
honourable than to repudiate a debt. The importer can 
afford to fail, while the loss falls on the * soft-horned * 
manufacturer, who resides at Manchester, Belfast, or 
Glasgow. The Americans, therefore, spend freely. A 
hotel-keeper, at Liverpool, once told me he regarded 
them with unbounded admiration; he said they were 
model travellers, for they never examined the items of a 
bill — they merely looked at the end of it to ascertain 
what Joseph Hume used to call ' the tottle of the hull/ 
and then, in the most gentlemanlike manner, gave a 
cheque for the amount. They go in pursuit of pleasure, 
and, cost what it may, they are determined to enjoy them- 
selves. It is a great relief to get out of a country that 
labours under the infliction of a Maine Liquor Law. It 
is irksome to keep up the appearance of morality in de- 
ference to a public opinion which will tolerate an offence, 
but has no sympathy with detection. Once on the ocean, 
the jurisdiction of the People's Court ceases, and the un- 
willing slave of custom asserts his freedom. He drinks, 
he gambles, and becomes a fast man. He does not 
remain long in England ; for though he considers himself 
equal to the oldest peer of the realm, his claim is unfor- 
tunately not recognised, and he quits the country in dis- 
gust. Before he leaves it, however, as he is a sight-seer, 
if there is a levee, he attends it, and is enabled on his 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 103 

return to boast of the honour of knowing the Queen. 
His patron, the Minister, is dressed like a butler, and 
sometimes mistaken for one, while he, as his protege, as- 
suming that the rule which dispenses in the case of Re- 
publicans with a court suit, is an evidence of royal 
submission to presidential orders, dresses himself accord- 
ingly, and resembles a shopman in holiday attire. A 
snob is always an object of aversion, but a Yankee snob 
is detestable. He has no pretension to be presented, for 
even in his own country he is not one of the ' upper ten 
thousand ;' but his ambassador dares not refuse him an 
introduction, for he has influence if not position, and in 
revenge will proclaim him, on his return home, through- 
out the length and breadth of America, to be an aristocrat. 
He has more privileges than an Englishman in this 
respect ; but, alas ! they are more political than social ; 
he can intrude into the presence of royalty, but he cannot 
force himself into society. He, therefore, goes to France, 
where Yankee pronunciation passes for good English, 
where people are too accustomed to boasting, to be dis- 
gusted at his exaggeration, where monarchical principles 
have no root, and where everybody will agree with him 
in abusing the English. Society is freer and looser there, 
than either in Great Britain or the United States. 
People live in hotels and dine in public, as in America. 
They have social liberty, though not political ; and in his 
own country he has neither. He has not the first, because 
the form of Puritanism, which has survived the spirit, 
exacts implicit uniformity in appearance ; nor has he 
political freedom, because he must either belong to one 
or the other of two factions, or be squeezed to death by 
their pressure. Whatever intervenes between scissors is 
cut in two. France, therefore, presents every attraction 
that he values. Wine, wit, and women — what a trio ! 



104 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Wine he can taste and appreciate, most probably he has 
dealt in it, and made money in the traffic. Wit when 
badly translated (for he is a poor French scholar), de- 
generates into a pun which he can comprehend, or is 
converted into humour, for which he has a decided turn, 
and he enjoys it uncommonly. French women enchant 
him. They have not the mauvaise honte of the English, 
or the coldness of the American ladies. They can con- 
verse in a way to charm him, and as love is the end and 
aim of their lives, if they do not warm under its influence, 
they are so well versed in theatricals they can act their 
part most admirably. Paris is only a portion, but not 
the whole of Europe. Time flies, but money makes 
wings to itself, and flies faster. If he is to see more than 
that great city, he must be up and doing. He is off for 
the Rhine, or Italy. Luggage is inconvenient. Two 
carpet bags tied together, and united by a strap to a hat 
box, are all he requires for his expeditious journey. You 
may meet him with others of his countrymen in one of the 
river steamers; you cannot mistake him, for he is dis- 
tinguishable from every other passenger. He is a tall, 
spare man, with a narrow chest, a long neck, and a gait 
that is a singular mixture of a strut and a slouch. His 
complexion is sallow, his cheeks hollow, his eyes bright, 
but sunken, and his hands small, thin, and terminating in 
long, taper consumptive- looking fingers, of a colour that 
exhibits the effects of a contempt for gloves or soap. His 
hat is unbrushed and rests on the back of his head, his 
hair is long, lank, and uncared for, while his face is 
shaggy, and his beard untrimmed. 

An Englishman has an open countenance, guarded by 
great reserve of manner ; his is the reverse. It is not 
ingenuous or frank ; but he converses freely, and is ready 
to talk with any one he meets. He is devoted to Bacchus 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 105 

and backy. He prepares, in honour of the first as many 
compounds as an apothecary, and burns incense continually 
to the second. He expectorates incessantly (I use that 
expression, because I do not like the common term) to 
the annoyance and evident danger of every one around 
him. Bragging never fatigues him ; but as this is gene- 
rally a matter of comparison he makes it more odious by 
disparaging everything out of his own country. A friend 
of mine lately steamed up the Thames with one of these 
gentry when he was in this agreeable mood. When they 
arrived off Woolwich he pointed to a line-of-battle ship 
anchored there, and said, ' What do you call that V 
' That is the Dreadnought,' was the reply, ' an old man- 
of-war, but now used as a receiving ship.' ' Ah,' he 
said, ' we raise cabbages in the States as big as that 
thing? 

Proceeding farther up the river they came opposite to 
the Leviathan, which was just ready to be launched, 
when he put a similar question as to her. ' What do you 
call thatf 'That,' said my friend, 'is a great iron 
kettle we are building to boil the Yankee cabbages in."' 
* Stranger,' he replied, with a loud laugh, ' I guess you 
wern't born in the woods, to be scared by an owl, was 
you? Well, that ere ship is as big as all out doors, 
that's a fact.' 

Of the quality of land he is a good judge ; but he is 
indifferent to the beauties of nature ; he ascends the 
Rhine that he may have the opportunity of boasting of a 
larger American river. The scenery, he says, is not worth 
looking at, it is so inferior to that of the Hudson. So he 
takes off his hat, and extracts from it a pack of cards, 
seats himself in the first vacant place, and commences 
playing with some vagrant countryman a game at eearte, 
which is enlightened by sundry expressions of triumph or 

f3 



106 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

disappointment, that are as unintelligible to you as to the 
Germans. You meet him again at Rome, where you see 
him coolly walk up to one of his countrymen, and taking 
his cigar out of his mouth, light his own by it, remarking, 
at the same time, that ' he knew he was an American as 
soon as he saw him,' a discovery which, no doubt, many 
others had made before him. When he returns to his 
native land his friends are able to appreciate 

' How much a donkey that has been to Rome 
Excels a donkey that is kept at home.' 

Then there is the scientific traveller, who writes un- 
readable books which are illustrated, not with sketches, 
but unpronounceable words of Greek compounds, with 
Latin epithets — a sort of plated ware with silver handles. 
He is to be found in the mountains or the ravines. He is 
armed with a hammer, and carries a bag filled with frag- 
ments of rocks that are enough to load a donkey. He is 
silent, distrait, and neglectful of his person. The police 
have an eye to him, as a man either weak in intellect, or 
assuming the appearance of a geologist, to disarm suspi- 
cion, while he is intriguing to overthrow the Government. 

There is also the connoisseur traveller, who criticises 
pictures, statues, and architectural buildings in a way to 
astonish alike the learned and the uninitiated. Publish- 
ers tell him his books will not sell, but he knows better, 
prints them at his own expense, and loses money. The 
only consolation he has is, that he is in advance of the 
age, and posterity will do him justice. 

But of all travellers, perhaps, the John Murray class is 
the most numerous. They buy his hand-book, that enu- 
merates the churches, hotels, theatres, and museums they 
have to glance at ; and, when they return, they are just as 
wise as if they had studied these manuals and remained at 
home. The character of the people, their laws and insti- 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 107 

tutions, their system of education and government, their 
taxes, resources, domestic trade, foreign commerce, and 
everything that is worth knowing, are all omitted. They 
cannot all be comprised in a five-shilling volume, and it 
cannot succeed if it is too diffuse. It is the idler's manual : 
a continental Bradshaw, with letter-press, a distance table 
with a list of prices and fares, and a catalogue of things 
to be seen if you have time and inclination. Such travel- 
ling, however, is not without its use : if it does not furnish 
much information, it supplies topics of conversation when 
tourists return home. 

The English see more of their own country now than 
they did before the introduction of railways. They are 
also more communicative. This is particularly the case 
on the Southampton line, where there is always a fair 
sprinkling of persons who have just returned from abroad, 
and who freely enter into conversation with their neigh- 
bours. Just before I took my departure for London the 
Pera arrived from Alexandria and Malta, bringing a large 
number of passengers, some of whom were from Austra- 
lia and others from India. Most of them retained the 
dress of their respective countries, and the whole formed 
singularly picturesque groups. Here a man moved 
about, with an air of independence and self-reliance, 
that marked the settler in the bush, who required nothing 
that he could not do for himself; and there another was 
assisted ashore, by black attendants, without whose aid at 
every turn he seemed utterly helpless. Maltese dogs, 
Arab horses, paroquets, cockatoos, cum multis afoYs, were 
landed in great numbers. They appeared to have been 
put on board in the vain hope that, like the homoeopathic 
system, one cause of nausea would neutralize another — 
that a singing in the head could be cured by the screams 
of birds — and that the vermin of a ship could be expelled 



108 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

by introducing animals and birds whose bodies were 
covered with them. 

A farmer, who stood by me on the quay, after gazing in 
wonder at the singular appearance of these people, their 
attendants, and living animals, addressing himself to me, 
said, ' That vessel, sir, is a sort of Noah's Ark ; for it 
contains birds, beasts, and all sorts of queer things. As 
soon as it touches the shore how they rush out, as if de- 
lighted to see the land again. There are some things 
about the ark I never could understand. Can you tell 
me, why in the world Noah took on board a rat, a weasel, 
and a turnip-fly, which were sure to destroy his corn, and 
his green crops ? I'm thinking they must have got in un- 
beknownst to him, afore the ark was finished, for he never 
could have taken them in on purpose. The old gentle- 
man, you see, was six hundred years of age at that time, 
and it is natural to suppose that his eyesight was none of 
the best, especially as glasses hadn't been invented then. 
I suppose the rats sneaked into the sacks of corn, afore 
they was put on board, and that the egg of the turnip-fly 
was concealed in the seed, for Swedes and turnip-flies na- 
turally go together. The best way I knows on to secure 
the crop, is to take the seed and roll it over ' — 

Here this disquisition was cut short by the rapid pas- 
sage of a hand-truck, which, striking his legs from under 
him, rolled him over on it, and carried him off, (minus his 
hat,) sprawling and roaring, to the infinite amusement of 
the bystanders. ' Take that drunken man off the quay,' 
shouted the warehouse keeper, l or he will fall into the 
dock.' Picking up the poor fellow's hat, I followed the 
truck ; and having released him from his unpleasant situa- 
tion, restored it to him, and then proceeding with my 
friend Cary to the train, set out for London. Recurring 
to this ludicrous scene, after we had comfortably seated 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 

ourselves in the carriage, I remarked, that the mar 
as stupid a clodhopper as I ever saw, but that he was not 
intoxicated, and added, he was ' as sober as a ji 
1 That is rather an equivocal standard,' replied ary. 
once heard Lord Broadlands, who was a fast man, ask 
dear old Mr. Justice Mellow, of convivial memory, 
if there was any truth in that old saying, " As sober as 
a judge ?" It was a good hit, and we all laughed 
heartily at it. " It is perfectly true," replied the 
Judge, "as most of those old saws are." They are cha- 
racteristic, at least ; for sobriety is the attribute of 
a judge, as inebriety is of a nobleman. Thus we 
say, " As sober as a judge," and " As drunk as a 
lord." Mellow was the readiest man I ever knew ; he 
went on to say, " I know there are men too fond of the 
bar to sit on the bench, and that there are peers who 
richly deserve a drop. The first are unworthy of ele- 
vation ; the last seldom get what is their due." ' 

'Talking of sobriety,' I said, 'how fares teetotalism 
now ? for I have been so long out of England, I am 
hardly aware what progress it has made. In the States, 
the attempt to enforce the Maine Liquor Law ha^ 
increased drunkenness to an alarming degree. At first, 
the legislature prohibited the issue of licences for the sale 
of fermented liquors, but this was evaded in every 
possible way. The striped pig was a very amusing 
dodge. A man advertised that he was possessed of a 
singular pig, which was striped like a zebra, and that it 
was to be exhibited under canvas, at a certain price 
daily. Crowds pressed forward to behold this wonderful 
animal, but every one who entered the tent in which it 
was shown, expressed his indignation at having been 
cheated by the substitution of a common hog, that had 
been shaved and painted in longitudinal stripes. The 



110 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

■ keeper feigned great regret at the disappointment and 
want of taste of the spectators, and begged them to 
accept a glass of rum and a biscuit, as some compensation 
for the deception. It was soon whispered about, that it 
was an acute evasion. The money was paid for a sight, 
in order to obtain a taste ; it was the admission ticket 
that was sold, and not the liquor. " The law," he said, 
" did not prevent a man from being liberal to his 
friends." 

4 Another evasion was, to import from the adjoining 
state, where this rigid law did not prevail, a coffin, con- 
taining a tightly-fitting tin box, filled with brandy. When 
emptied of its contents it was supplied with a corpse, the 
victim of the poison it had previously concealed. To pre- 
vent these tricks, all persons were prohibited by penal 
enactments from selling spirituous liquors, unless a pro- 
fessional order was obtained, prescribing it as a medicine. 
The mere production of the order was declared to be a 
protection ; but the Act was silent on the subject of the 
qualification, or the sex of the practitioner, so every man 
prescribed for his neighbour, and nurses ordered it into 
every house they attended. In short, the law was so 
loosely worded and so badly amended, that as soon as one 
hole was soldered up, another appeared, and it was never 
" liquor-tight." In my opinion it increased the evil it was 
designed to remedy, by adding to it fraud and hypocrisy. 
You may induce a man to be temperate by appealing to 
his reason, or his sense of right and wrong, but you can 
never compel him to be so by legal enactments, or pecu- 
niary penalties. If the fine is too large, it creates a sym- 
pathy for the offender, and it is paid by subscription ; if 
too small, it is added to the price of the illicit spirits. If 
its enforcement violates personal liberty too much, and 
calls in the aid of inquisitorial powers, the executive 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. ill 

officer subjects himself to personal outrage, and his pro- 
perty to serious depredations. In several cases, I have 
known a temperance hall to be blown up with gunpowder, 
and in others, maroons to be exploded in the premises of 
the Clerk of the Licences. Wherever tried, such laws 
have always failed to effect the object for which they 
were enacted. Low duties, or free trade, are the only 
effectual checks on smuggling, and, in like manner, ex- 
ample and persuasion can alone repress intemperance.' 

' I entirely agree with you,' said a gentleman who sat 
opposite to me, ' as to the inefficacy of the American pro- 
hibitory laws, and of the hypocrisy engendered by com- 
pelling people to take pledges to abstain from the use of 
fermented liquors. When I was canvassing the bo- 
rough of Sewermouth, during the last general election, 
many of my constituents inquired of .me whether I was in 
favour of the introduction of the Maine Liquor Law into 
this country, and upon my stating my objection to it, they 
positively refused to vote for me. At last I came to a 
publican, whose support I felt certain I should obtain. 
" Ah, my friend," I said, " I feel as if I had a natural claim 
to your cordial assistance. Every member of the Tempe- 
rance Society in Sewermouth has declined to vote for 
me, because I will not consent to the introduction of the 
Maine Liquor Law ; my opinion is, that it is incompa- 
tible with the liberty of the subject. If you think proper 
to retail beer or spirits, you have a right as an English- 
man to do so," and so forth, in the usual electioneering 
declamatory manner. ' f Stop, sir," said the publican, "if 
you please ; I will have nothing said in this house against 
members of Temperance Societies ; they are the best cus- 
tomers I have. When one of them slips in here on the 
sly, he throws his ha'pence on the counter, and says, 
Give me a glass of gin, which he snatches up, without 



112 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

stopping to see if the glass is quite full, lays his head 
back, and tosses it off like winky, and then passing 
his hand over his mouth, this way," (and he suited the ac- 
tion to the word), " and giving his lips a dry wipe, he 
goes to the door, looks cautiously up and down the 
street, to ascertain that nobody is observing him, and 
then walks off as innocent as a lamb, feeling good all 
over, and looking at peace with himself and the world, 
like a righteous man that is setting a good example to all 
his neighbours, for conscience sake. But your open au- 
dageous dram drinkers, sir, set all decency at defiance, 
and pride themselves on their independence. When 
they come here, they swagger in, as if they felt they had 
a right to drink whatever they could pay for, and wished 
all the world to know they would exercise that privilege, 
in spite of all the temperance societies in the kingdom. I 
hate them ; I detest them, sir ; they are noisy, blustering, 
impudent rascals. Instead of quietly taking their nip, 
and walking off about their business, they sit down and 
jaw all day — there is no getting rid of them — they dis- 
grace themselves and bring discredit on me and my busi- 
ness. Don't say anything against the members of 
temperance societies, if you please, sir, for they conduct 
themselves like gentlemen, and I am proud to have such 
quiet, decent customers ; they pays as they goes, and runs 
up no scores. Next to them, sir, I respects servants ; 
they are both civil and liberal, and act on the principle 
of ' live and let live.' Like teetotallers, they study the 
decencies of life ; they get what they want, and don't stay 
long. In general they comes on business, and merely 
takes a glass of som'at when they are fatigued. Butlers 
to quality are always real gentlemen, and half the time 
are better dressed and better mannered than their 
masters. The busses and the carriers stop here, and in 






A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 113 

course servants must come for their parcels. Butlers and 
cooks have lots of hampers to send away, and very seldom 
receives any in return ; a losing business I should sup- 
pose, too, sir," — (and he gave me a wink, which, to render it 
quite intelligible, was accompanied with a twitch of the 
corner of his mouth, and a nod of the head.) " You'd 
naturally think, sir, it was a trade leading to bankruptcy, 
with a third-class certificate, without protection. An ex- 
port commerce, without an import of the raw material, 
looks as if the balance of trade was again them, as those 
upstarts, Cobden and Bright say, don't it?" " May it not 
be," I replied, " that the export is paid for in hard cash ?" 
" I didn't think of that," he said, with another arch look ; 
" but you know I never inquires into other folks' affairs — 
I have enough to do to attend to my own. I don't belong 
to the teetotal club, sir, tho' I have a great respect for 
it; but I do belong to the * Anti-poke-your-nose-into- 
other-peopleVbusiness Society/ and I find it a safe and 
profitable consarn. When those parcels of the butler and 
cook are brought here, as these people have a great deal 
to do at home, and under servants read addresses, which 
leads to gossip, I puts on the directions for them, and 
forwards them. I said these two officials, butlers and 
cooks, were genteel and honourable people, sir, and so 
they are ; and so are ladies' maids too — I loves them, the 
dear little creatures, for they is so refined and fashion- 
able — how they perk up their pretty mouths when they 
speak, don't they ? and mince their words as fine as if a 
big one would choke them, or crack their tender young 
jaws. They have little secrets of their own, too, and 
they knows they can trust me, tho' I am a single man, so 
I says nothing further ; indeed missises have secrets some- 
times as well as they have, at least so their ladies tells 
me. The truth is, sir, this world is a great secret, if we 



114 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

could only find it out. Upper servants of nobility and 
gentry behaves well to me, I must say. Instead of mak- 
ing me give them presents, or commissions, they scorns 
such conduct, and makes me handsome acknowledg- 
ments. It's only tradesmen they taxes, such as butchers, 
bakers, fishmongers, and grocers. They makes them 
pay a ' nad walorem duty,' as they calls it ; and what 
government could be carried on without taxes? Why 
debts, sir, would soon be repugiated, if supplies was 
stopped. Their custom ain't much, to be sure, for they 
have better liquor at home nor I have ; but their friend- 
ship is valuable as patrons, and they recommends my 
house to all their visiters, and any little forwardin of ex- 
ports abroad that I does for them is liberally relumarated. 
They sends all their company's carriages here, with an 
order that their horses should have their corn wet instead 
of dry, which means beer and gin for the coachman, and 
only hay for their cattle. It is better for both. Dry oats 
is apt to swell in the stomach of animals that travel fast, 
and produce inflammation ; but hay and water is cooling, 
while liquor gives a quick eye and a steady hand to the 
gentleman what drives. ' Stout,' says the butler from 
the Hall up there, to me the other day, when he and his 
friend from the Castle dined here, with me, ' Stout,' says 
he, ' I can't bear your wine, you ain't a judge of the 
article ; beer and spirits is more in your line, so I took 
the liberty to send here some old port, wintage '25, that I 
ordered yesterday, as a sample to try afore laying in for 
our governor.' When we was discoursing it arter dinner, 
sais he, ' Stout, I respect you. You are a man of great 
talents, far greater talents than are a Meux or Hanbury, 
or any other compounder of hops and cocklicus Indigus, 
that sits in Parliament, and objects to the courts of mar- 
riage and divorce taking jurisdiction over adultery in beer, 






A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 115 

and that wants to take duty off paper, (readin being out 
of their line,) but won't let farmers malt their own barley. 
They are bruin by nature, and bruin by occupation. You 
see, Mr. Stout, (as our governor says, and werry properly 
too,) we levels down to where we be, but we don't fill the 
walleys up to us. It stops the water courses you see, and 
breeds a flood ; and when the floods come, if you 
haven't any high hills to fly to why you are done for, and 
the fishes get your precious bodies. Now that's the way 
with them brewers I named ; they sing out for free trade, 
but buys up all the public-houses, and them and their 
friends won't licence any that won't sell their beer ; they 
are hypocrites and Pharisees that treat publicans that 
way. Your health, Mr. Stout,' says he, * how do you 
like the flavour of that wine ? it's of the wintage '25, so 
marked in the governor's cellar — ahem ! I mean in the 
wine merchant's. It ain't to be sneezed at, is it ?' — Then 
he held up his glass to the light, * See,' says he, ' it 
has the bee in it.' c The devil it has,' says I ; ' how in 
the world did it get in there ? let me get a teaspoon, and 
take it out.' He nearly laughed himself on to the floor 
at that ; he was like a horse that has the staggers ; he 
shook his head, reeled about, and quaked all over. 
When he recovered, says he, ' Stout, you are a capital 
actor, that's the best thing I ever heard. As I was 
saying, I respect you : eyes to see, but don't see ; hears 
to 'ear, but don't 'ear ; fingers to pick and pry, but don't 
pry into what you ain't wanted to know ; a tongue to 
speak, but that don't speak ill of your neighbour; a 
memory to remember what is important to retain, but that 
can forget what ain't convenient to recollect. It's a 
perfect character, for none are so blind as them as 
won't see, so deaf as what won't hear, or so ignorant as 
won't know what ain't their business to know.' Well, 



116 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

sir, I likes coachmen also ; they are discreet, prudent 
people ; they calls to see if there is anything come from 
the saddler's ; and when they inquire if that parcel is 
arrived, I am to understand it is one that was expected, 
and called for before, and I am to entreat them (only as 
acquaintances, and not as customers) to take a glass, 
which they does reluctantly, and tells me to blow up the 
carrier when I see him, for not obeying their orders. 
That glass is to be charged ; they have their reasons for 
what they says and does : they knows who is who in the 
shop, and they wants it to be seen they came on business 
on that occasion, and not for pleasure. 

' " Footmen likewise have, or expect something by the 
carrier, or they want to ascertain addresses, or to inquire 
after all sorts of persons and things. They complain 
bitterly that instead of a list being given them, they are 
sent several times to my house, when once would answer ; 
in short, they talk of leaving their places on that account. 
All these are respectable customers, sir ; they never stay 
long, or make a noise, for they knows what's what, and 
are up to the time o' day. 

' " Willage servants I despise ; they are ignorant, 
underbred varmin. What is parquisites of office in the 
upper class is no better than prigging with them ; one is 
what they calls superfluities, the other is low pilfering and 
nothing else. They toss up their heads, particularly 
females, as if they had been used to high life, and say 
they won't live with people who ' throw up and lock up.' 
' What do you mean by that ?' I said ; ' I never heard 
the expression before.' — 'Why, sir,' said the eccentric 
publican, * it is where a tradesman's wife is her own 
housekeeper, and locks up her pantry, and has the ashes 
sifted, and the cinders thrown back into the fire again. 
They say they want to live where the gentlemen wear 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 117 

powder, and where their missises are ' carriage people.' 
I forwards no parcels for the like of them ; they ain't safe 
customers. I leave them to charwomen, who carries 
messages from their loviers, and takes money from one, 
and money worth from the other. Them women, sir, are 
regular smugglers ; they have long cloaks, large aprons, 
and big pockets; they introduces sweethearts and gin, 
and smuggles out groceries and prowisions ; and when 
they ain't a running of goods, they act as coast-guards ; 
they stands sentry for them, and gives the signals that the 
coast is clear for them as are in to get out, and them as 
are waiting for a chance to slip in on the sly : they are a 
bad lot, sir, the whole on 'em ; I am afraid of them, and 
I never want to see them here, for they are very tonguey 
sometimes, and it don't do for the like of me to have a 
noise in my house. I had to turn two of them out this 
morning. 

' " They met here quite accidentally, and says one of 
them to me quite loud, on purpose to be overheard, 
'Mr. Stout, who is that? she is one of the " has-beens." 
' I'd have you to know,' said the other, ' that the " has- 
beens " are better nor the " never-wases " all the world 
over,' and she flew at her like a tiger. Liquor, you see, 
sir, acts different on different people. Some it sets a 
laughin, and others a cryin ; some it brightens up, and 
others it makes as stupid as owls. Melancholy, high- 
strikes, kissing, quarrelling, singing, swearing, and every 
sort of thing is found in drinking, when enough grows 
into too much, and the cup runs over. Women never do 
nothing in moderation. A little does them good, but 
when they goes beyond that it is ruination. No, sir, take 
'em all in all, as far as my experience goes, I give the 
preference, by all odds, to the members of temperance 
societies. They use liquor without abusing it. It never 



118 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

excites them, for they never talk over it ; and it is 
astonishing how much a man can stand, if he will only 
hold his tongue. I'll vote for you, sir : but don't say 
nothing against temperance society people in my house, if 
you please." ' 

Such was the whimsical account my fellow-traveller 
gave of his reception by the publican, when canvassing 
him for his vote ; and he added that he thought tee- 
totalism, in any shape, when not founded on religious 
principles, was illusory ; and that if attempted to be 
enforced by penalties, it would be successfully resisted or 
evaded. A relapse in the case of a drunkard he con- 
sidered fatal. ' It is hard,' he observed, 'to wean a calf 
that has taken to sucking a second time.' 

' I neverh ear anecdotes of drinking,' said another pas- 
senger, ' that I do not think of one that was told me of a poor 
clergyman in Lincolnshire. He had received, for the first 
time in his life, an invitation to dine with his bishop. It 
was at once a great honour, a great event, and a great 
bore. He was flattered and frightened : flattered by 
being considered worthy of dining with those who dressed 
in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day : 
and frightened at his own ignorance of the usages of 
episcopal palaces. Not having a servant of his own, he 
took his parish clerk with him to attend him, and desired 
him privately to ascertain from the other servants any 
particulars of etiquette he was to observe as a guest, and 
also what he was to do himself. Soon after the dinner 
was served, the bishop, who was a kind and condescending, 
though formal, man, asked the poor rector to do him the 
honour to drink wine with him. To be selected for this 
special mark of favour (for he was the first whom his 
lordship had asked to drink with him) was most gratifying 
to his feelings. It was a distinction never to be forgotten. 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 119 

He bowed low and quaffed his wine, that warmed a heart 
already glowing with pride and gratitude. He had, how- 
ever, no sooner replaced his glass upon the table, than his 
humble attendant, the clerk, stepped up behind him, and, 
leaning over his shoulder, carefully wiped his mouth with 
a napkin. His first thought was that all this ceremony 
was unnecessary, and that this luxury was effeminate, to 
say the least of it. It was the first time in his life his 
mouth had ever been wiped by another since that kind 
office had been performed for him by his mother or his 
nurse when he was a child. The singularity of the 
incident attracted much observation and amusement. 
The archdeacon followed the example of the host, rather 
to ascertain the meaning of this extraordinary whim of the 
parson than to do him honour or indulge his own desire 
for another glass. They mutually bowed and drank 
their wine, when the clerk again stepped forward, and 
again wiped the rector's mouth with great gravity. 
Another and another tried the same experiment with the 
same result, but with increased merriment. The poor old 
gentleman was confused by this extraordinary attention of 
the company, and the still more inexplicable conduct of 
his attendant. When the entertainment was over, and he 
had retired to his room, he summoned the clerk, and 
requested an explanation of the singular ceremony. 

4 " It's quite right, sir," said the artless man ; " I in- 
quired of the servants at his lordship's what I was to do, 
and how I was to behave myself, and they told me to 
stand near the sideboard, out of their way, and to keep 
my eye on your reverence, and when any gentleman 
asked you to drink wine, my duty was to wipe your 
reverence's mouth with the napkin, and then return to my 
place, and that if you called me, they would attend to 
your wishes ; but that I was on no account to stir from 



120 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

my post." " You are a born fool, a stupid blockhead," 
said the rector ; " couldn't you see that that form was not 
observed to any one else at table?" "I did, sir, and 
when I said so to the butler, he told me it was always 
done to every gentleman who had the honour of dining at 
the palace for the first time, and was meant as a great 
mark of favour to a stranger. He told me that every 
other clergyman present had been, on his first visit, 
honoured in the same way." The poor old parson was 
overwhelmed with shame ; and what is worse, he has 
never been able to boast, as he otherwise would have 
been most proud to do, " of once having had the honour 
of dining with the Bishop of Lincoln." ' 

I have often observed that when a person tells a good 
story, it seems to recall to the recollections of others one of 
a similar nature, until the conversation becomes anecdotal. 
This story of the poor rector and the bishop reminded me 
of one told by an old admiral, since deceased, n his early 
days he went to sea as a midshipman, with poor Captain 
Hawser, of the Vesuvius. Hawser was a tremendous 
fellow for grog ; worse even than Old Charley, and that 
is saying a good deal. Well, when they arrived in the 
West Indies, this indulgence soon brought on a fever, and 
Hawser nearly lost his life, or (as they say at sea) * the 
number of his mess.' The doctor totally inhibited the 
use of rum or brandy, but told him that when he found 
himself in a cold climate, he might take them moderately ; 
and the farther north he went, the more freely he might 
indulge. Shortly after they returned to England, the 
Vesuvius was ordered to the Baltic ; and as soon as they 
sailed for their destination, Hawser resumed the grog, so 
long discontinued. He daily asked to have it increased 
in strength, as they proceeded on their way, and when 
they reached the Baltic it was considerably more than 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 121 

half-and-half. The further he sailed, the stronger it 
became, until, at last, there was scarcely any water in 
the composition. The invariable order was given to the 
steward, ' farther north/ which meant ' mix it stiffer still/ 
One day he sternly commanded him to make it ' farther 
north/ 'I can't, sir/ he replied; '•you have been due 
north for three days. It is no longer grog ; it is clear 
rum/ ' The force of nature could no farther go/ There 
is a limit to libations, even when ' far north ;' and delirium 
tremens terminated the career of one of the kindest, 
bravest, and noblest fellows in the navy. 

Those who cannot afford good wine, are apt to substi- 
tute rum, or brandy and water in its place ; and if taken 
in small quantities, it is not only unobjectionable, but 
wholesome. But it is a dangerous habit, and one that is 
difficult to keep under proper control. I have often 
laughed at a conversation I once heard between two old 
country squires, who were lamenting the dissipation of a 
young friend of theirs. ' Ah,' said one, shaking his head, 
and speaking most dolefully, ' they tell me the poor fellow 
has taken to drinking spirits.' ' Yes,' replied his friend, 
with a still more rueful countenance, ' yes ; but that is 
not the worst of it,' and he lowered his voice as if it was 
something very horrible, - he puts the water in first, sir ; 
what dreadful depravity ! !' 'I don't understand,' said 
the first mourner, ' how that alters the case.' * Don't you ?' 
said the other. ' Why no one can tell how much spirits he 
puts into the tumbler. Concealment, sir, is a sure sign of 
guilt. It's the last stage ; it shows he has sense enough 
to be ashamed, and yet wants resolution to act prudently. 
It's the drunkard's dodge. I consider a person, sir, who does 
that a dishonest fellow. He gets drunk under false pre- 
tences : he is a lost man. To drink brandy and water, sir, 
is low, very low ; but to put the water in first is the devils 

G 



122 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

' That story you told us just now,' I said, addressing 
the gentleman who related to us the remarks of the pub- 
lican upon teetotallers and others who frequented his house, 
* is a capital one, but it is also a melancholy sketch. The 
condition of servants is one that cannot be viewed other- 
wise than with great regret, if not with apprehension. 
Servitude is, at best, a state of humiliation, and we cannot 
wonder that it leads to a certain degree of disaffection. 
To view it philosophically it is, after all, a mere contract. 
On the one side a stipulated sum is paid for certain ser- 
vices, and on the other there is a promise faithfully to 
obey and execute all lawful orders in consideration of the 
wages thus agreed upon. We pay our money, and we 
expect the equivalent. But although the terms are 
settled to the satisfaction of both parties, the master and 
the servant mutually desire to derive the utmost advan- 
tage from the bargain. The former wants the entire 
time and devotion of the servant, while the latter strives 
to limit his services, as far as he can, to such a moderate 
and reasonable discharge of his duties as he finds most 
compatible with his own ease and comfort. Both look to 
the terms of the contract, and severally interpret its clauses 
in their own favour. From the artificial state of society 
in which we live, we are both led to stand on our rights. 
As there is no favour conferred on either side, so there is 
no gratitude. If we are kind to our servants, they regard 
our liberality as a just tribute to their merits ; while on 
their part, if they do their duty tolerably well, they think 
they have earned their wages, and are under no sort of 
obligation to us. Personal attachment seems altogether 
out of the question. I was very much struck with the 
observation of the hotel-keeper at Paris, where Orsini 
lived when he made the attempt on the life of the Em- 
peror Napoleon. He was asked whether he had any 



A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 123 

suspicion that Gomez (who acted as his valet) was what 
he represented himself to be — Orsini's servant. He re- 
plied that he had his doubts ; for he had kept an hotel 
for thirty years, and in all that time had never heard a 
servant but Gomez who spoke well of his master ! It 
struck him as a very suspicious circumstance. Can this 
be true? If it be, what a satire it is upon poor human 
nature !' 

Much of the disappointment we experience in the con- 
duct of servants, is our own fault ; we are afraid to speak 
the truth ; we dread an action for slander, if we venture 
to state what we know to be true, without being quite in a 
position to prove our assertions. We give them characters 
to which they are not entitled ; we pity them, and, con- 
cealing their defects, say all we can in their favour. We 
enable them to bring other employers to grief, as they 
have brought us. Their former masters assisted them in 
deceiving us, and we aid them in imposing on others. 
What right have we, then, to complain? We bring 
inconvenience and trouble upon ourselves, by our negli- 
gence or want of firmness and candour. The remedy is 
not wholly in our own hands, but we can protect ourselves 
to a great extent if we please. Knowing how little 
reliance is in general to be placed upon written characters, 
let us, if possible, have an interview with the last em- 
ployer. He will probably tell us much that he will not 
venture to write, and, at all events, is open to cross- 
questioning. And when a servant either leaves our em- 
ployment, or is discharged, let us give him (as far as the 
law will permit plain speaking) the character he deserves, 
whether for good or for evil. The faithful, painstaking- 
domestic will then derive all the advantage resulting 
from good conduct ; and the disobedient, negligent, 
or dishonest one, will be punished in not having an 

g2 



124 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

opportunity afforded him of annoying another master. 
Let us thus teach them the value of character, by showing 
them we consider it indispensable ; and compel them to 
be circumspect, by depriving them of the means of decep- 
tion. Strict discipline insures obedience, while kind and 
considerate treatment ought to produce attachment ; and 
a combination of both cannot fail to make a good and 
faithful servant. 

' Tickets, if you please, gentlemen,' are the last words 
we hear. They remind us that we have reached Water- 
loo station, and that our journey is now terminated. 



( 125 ) 



No. V. 

JOHN BULL AND HIS DIG GINS. 

In travelling over a country, it is desirable to pause a 
while on the hills, and look back on the lowlands through 
which we have passed. We are thus enabled to embrace 
in one view all that we have seen in the various stages of 
our journey, and to judge of it as a whole, to compare it 
with other portions of the globe of similar extent, beauty, 
and fertility, and pronounce on its comparative merits. 
In like manner, when we return home from foreign travel, 
it is desirable to bring our native land into contrast with 
other countries, and our people with the inhabitants of 
other empires. Without such contemplation, travelling 
is of but little value. It may amuse and occupy us, but 
it can make us neither wiser nor better men. One scene 
replaces another, on the principle of dissolving views, and 
the last is alone remembered of them all, not because it 
is more striking, or more effective, but because it is the 
last. Whoever has twice left home to wander among 
foreign nations, if he has given himself time, on his return, 
for meditation, must recollect that the second tour has 
corrected some of his first impressions, and modified 
many more. The first visit satisfies his curiosity, the 
second matures his judgment. 

In subjectingEnglandto this 'competitive examination,' I 
find it is entitled to rank first among the nations of the earth. 



126 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Whence arises this pre-eminence ? Ask those who dwell 
in it, and every man will assign a different cause. One 
will tell you it proceeds from its climate ; another from 
its insular, geographical, and political position ; a third 
from its free institutions, and Protestant religion ; and a 
fourth from its soil, inexhaustible mineral resources, and 
extensive fisheries. This one attributes it to the race 
that inhabit it, and that to its extended colonies, and 
countless thousands of subjects in its distant possessions, 
while most ascribe it to the intelligence and skill of its 
artisans in all mechanical arts. But the true reason is to 
be found in a wonderful combination of all these causes, 
with others equally characteristic. 

The English people are as remarkable as their country ; 
they have many traits of character in common with the 
inhabitants of other portions of the globe, but they have 
some that are peculiar to themselves. Among the former, 
they have that presumptuous vanity which is so inherent 
in human nature, that it should be added to the generic 
definition of man, which describes him as an animal that 
is ' bipes implumis, et risibilis.' They form a very high 
estimate of their own worth, and a very low one of that 
of others. As the Americans say of them, 'it would be a 
losing concern to purchase them at their own price, and 
sell them for what they would bring in the market.' 
Their contempt for foreigners is returned with interest. 
Even the Chinese consider them as barbarians and heathen. 
They claim for themselves the highest place in civilization, 
the most illustrious ancestry, and the monopoly of all 
wisdom. Descended from the brother of the Sun and 
Moon, it is no wonder they call their country the ' Celestial 
Empire,' and carefully exclude strangers from a territory 
reserved for the Children of Light. All the rest of the 
world dwell in ' outer darkness,' in which there is no tea 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 127 

to imbibe, no porcelain to hold this divine beverage, and 
no opium to inspire dreams of Paradise. The little 
foreigners know they are charged with having acquired 
stealthily when trading at Canton, the citizens of which, 
according to their account, imparted to them the art of 
printing, of making pottery, of manufacturing silk, of 
carving ivory and stone, and the knowledge of many other 
things. But, above all, they say that they taught the 
English to cultivate the soil, so as to produce the greatest 
crops from the smallest possible extent of ground, and 
also the mode of preparing exquisite dishes from rats, 
dogs, cats, snakes, slugs, locusts, lizards, birds' nests, and 
innumerable other delicate materials. They consider 
them, however, as deficient in taste, in not properly ap- 
preciating these dainties, and as bungling imitators of all 
that they attempt to copy or adopt. They laugh at their 
pedigrees as modern assumptions, and their decorations 
as glittering tinsel, regarding the griffins, lions, unicorns, 
and dragons on their armorial bearings as plagiarisms 
from their ancient religion. It is therefore natural that 
they should look down upon the English with profound 
contempt. 

In like manner the French consider themselves as 
models of gallantry, as the first in refinement and taste, 
and as excelling in 'the court, the camp, the grove.' 
The English they style a nation of shopkeepers. London 
they regard as a gloomy and dirty manufacturing town, 
but Paris as the very centre of civilization, intelligence, 
and fashion. The Germans they denominate ' learned 
pigs ;' they ridicule their propensity to drink beer, their 
devotion to tobacco, the formal and frigid etiquette of 
their nobles, and the slavish and stolid submission of the 
lower orders. The name of Russia is associated in their 
minds with frozen lakes and polar bears, with drunken 



128 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

nobles and Siberian exiles, or with serfs, bristles, cordage, 
tallow, black bread, and rancid oil. They shrug their 
shoulders when they talk of their army, with which they 
became acquainted at Moscow, and during the occupation 
of Paris, and have many anecdotes, which they relate 
with much spirit, of officers with splendid uniforms, but 
no shirts or stockings, and soldiers who repeatedly left 
Paris in darkness by drinking up the oil of the street 
lamps. They admit that they are brave, otherwise it 
would have been disgraceful to be beaten by them ; but 
they ascribe their power to brute force, directed by great 
science and practical skill. They excuse their own 
failure at Moscow, by asserting that it arose from the 
superior intelligence and gallantry of the French soldier, 
who, while he thinks for himself, never thinks of himself, 
and therefore preferred death to retreat. They are loud 
in their disparagement of the Americans, and say they 
are a bad edition of the English, neither cooks nor gentle- 
men, knowing neither how to eat, drink, or live like 
Christians, and mistaking rudeness for frankness, cunning 
for talent, scurrilous abuse for the liberty of the press, 
and the ownership of slaves as compatible with free insti- 
tutions. Frenchmen talk loudly of their honour, and lay 
their hands on their hearts while asserting their preference 
of death to the loss of it, and yet observe treaties no 
longer than it suits their convenience, or their parole as 
prisoners when they can find an opportunity to escape. 
Their motives are not what they assign, and, therefore, 
they doubt the sincerity of all other nations. They call 
England ' Perfide Angleterre.' Their religion is a 
destiny ; their mission universal dominion ; their freedom 
is the liberty to say and do what they are ordered ; might 
makes right in their eyes. They become frantic on the 
subject of the slave trade, which they abhor, and will 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 129 

never consent to traffic in human beings ; they only pur- 
chase their labour, and merely reserve to , themselves the 
power to enforce the right of perpetual servitude. In 
short, France is the finest country in the world, and 
they are superior to all other nations. Their army 
has never suffered a defeat, except when it was vastly 
outnumbered, or their generals bribed, as was the case at 
Waterloo. 

The Americans, also, have been well trained in the 
bragging art, both by the English and French. They 
are as aristocratic as the nobility of the one, and as re- 
publican as the Socialists of the other. They assert that 
all men are free and equal. This is an abstract propo- 
sition ; but, like all general rules, it has exceptions. It 
means all white men. Their minister refused to sit beside 
the * Nigger' Ambassador from Hayti at the Lord 
Mayor's table — he did not recognise him as a brother ! He 
said it was an insult to a country which considered blacks 
as inferior beings, and held them as slaves, and referred 
to Buxton, Wilberforce, and Shaftesbury, as authorities, 
as all three were stated to have declined matrimonial al- 
liances for their daughters with African princes. They 
boast that they are white (an exultation no European un- 
derstands) ; that they are free, which none but themselves 
comprehend ; and that they are descended from a nation 
which they insult and affect to despise. Similarity of 
name with them means consanguinity ; they boast that 
they are descended from the best families in Great Britain, 
and have ' good blood.' They can, therefore, afford to ape 
humility and talk of equality, because being on a level 
with the English nobility they can condescend to admit 
others to their society without the risk of derogating 
from their own importance. ' The English have whipped 
all the world, and they have whipped the Engpsh.' Their 

g3 



130 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

superiority is unquestionable. They have the largest 
rivers, the highest hills, the widest prairies, the richest 
soil, the fastest horses, the prettiest galls, the best 
revolvers, cutest lawyers, peowerfullest preachers, and 
smartest generals, that are to be found on the face of 
the airth; also clippers that beat all natur, steamers 
that streak it off like iled lightning, and men that are 
half horse and half alligator, with a touch of the devil, 
and a cross of the airthquake. 

Is it any wonder they are ' the greatest nation in all 
creation ?' If you have any doubt as to this fact, ask 
their minister " to the Court of St. James', Victoria," 
and he will tell you — ' 1 rather guess it's a fact — stick a 
pin through it, for it's noticeable.' 

John Bull has this vanity in an eminent degree. He 
is convinced, beyond all doubt, that he is the greatest man 
in the world. He takes it for grauted every one knows 
it ; and if it is not admitted, he attributes the denial 
either to ignorance or prejudice. He does not assert his 
superiority so loudly as the Yankee ; but he feels and 
looks it. He is a supercilious gentleman, and regards 
the rest of mankind with a condescending and patronizing 
air. He is rich, and measures the respectability of 
foreigners by their wealth, and as this standard is in his 
favour, he considers them as a ' beggarly crew.' He is a 
bluff, ruddy-faced, resolute, good-hearted fellow, and in- 
clined to corpulency, which is no wonder, for he feeds 
heartily, and drinks strong wine and heavy beer. Like 
many animals, he is not to be approached with safety 
while hungry ; he is liberal in his charities, but he won't 
subscribe till after a public dinner and some very fulsome 
speeches, in which his generosity, his tender disposition, 
his wealth, and his benevolence, are duly extolled. He 
is a practical man, and will pay for services rendered, but 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 131 

he grumbles at the expense of erecting monuments to 
commemorate them. 

He says, if he wishes to see a national tribute to the 
glory of the British arms, he would rather go to France, 
where, in the enumeration of their victories over various 
nations, the name of England is omitted. He says he is 
content with that, for it is an admission far outweighing 
any assertion of his, however well grounded. He is hos- 
pitable, and keeps a liberal table ; but is not above letting 
you know the merits and high prices of his wines, to 
which he draws your attention, lest your want of taste 
might prevent your fully appreciating your good fortune 
in being asked to partake of them. He does not always 
boast loudly ; he sometimes affects to speak disparagingly 
of what pertains to himself — he considers it more delicate. 
His stately mansion in the country he calls ' his little 
place in Meekshire,' his town house ' his pied a terre,' 
and so on. 

' And the Devil he laughed, for his darling sin 
Is the pride that apes humility.' 

He looks upon the Scotch, the Irish, and the colonists 
with an air of great superiority. He is fond of telling 
you Doctor Johnson's definition of oats, ' food for horses 
in England and men in Scotland,' and ' that their best 
road is the one that leads to England.' He delights also 
in repeating the observation of one of his admirals, relative 
to Ireland, ' that the only cure for the discontent of that 
country, is to scuttle it for forty-eight hours, to destroy 
the vermin.' He declines to be introduced to any one 
from Australia, because he knows he is a returned con- 
vict. If he meets a man from Canada, he asks him if it 
is a penal colony. He is himself full of provincialisms, 
calling ' H-eve the mother of us h-all,' and talking of his 
' orses and ounds ;' and yet, his ear is so sensitive, the 



132 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Irish brogue and Scotch accent distress him, on account 
of their vulgarity. But his nationality is insufferable. 
He has an idea that one Englishman is equal, in war, to 
three Frenchmen ; and has the vanity to believe that a 
navy in name is superior to one in fact ; that his maritime 
supremacy is indisputable, and has been so often proved 
that farther evidence is unnecessary. He is of opinion 
that a mere notice that ' spring guns and man traps are 
set on his premises,' will as effectually protect his property 
as if they were really placed there. He grumbles, there- 
fore, at the estimates for a service which has the double 
duty to perform, of protecting the sea-board of the British 
Isles and the commerce of the colonies. Although he 
regards the French as fools, he does not think ,they can 
be so utterly devoid of sense as to invade a country that 
has never been visited by an enemy since the landing of 
William the Conqueror. 

If you suggest the possibility of an attack, he boasts 
that though a landing may be effected, not one of the 
hostile force would ever return to their native country ; 
an idea which is supported by the fact, that none of the 
Normans ever did so, except for the purpose of bringing 
over their wives and children. He maintains that those 
who make guns, must, as a matter of course, know how 
to use them ; that hedges are better fortifications than 
batteries, and foxhunters more to be depended upon than 
dragoons. He regards the Treasury as the patrimony of 
certain powerful Whig families ; he pays his taxes and 
grumbles, but is on the whole content, so long as he is 
permitted to vote for, or against the Premier. He leaves 
public business to public men, it is enough for him to 
attend to his own affairs. He is fond of civilians — he 
places one at the head of the Admiralty, and appoints 
country gentlemen to important posts in the Department 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIG GINS. 133 

of War. He found the advantage of this arrangement in 
the Crimean struggle, and experience has made him wise ; 
he is an Englishman, and both infallible and invincible. 
This vanity he shares, as we have seen, with the people 
of every other country, but he has little else in common 
with them. In other respects he stands almost alone ; he 
takes sensible views of most subjects, and wherever his 
own personal interest is concerned, when disconnected 
with politics or party, he shows to great advantage. He 
is both able and willing to work, and attaches great value 
to industrious habits. For this he is mainly indebted to 
his climate, which, while it develops the human frame, is 
sufficiently temperate to admit of daily labour in the open 
air. It is neither too hot nor too cold, either of which 
extremes would confine him to his house ; while the 
former would compel him, like the Virginian, to seek for 
a slave to do his work, and the latter would induce him 
to live like the Laplander or Esquimaux Indian, for more 
than half the year. It combines that happy medium that 
is essential to health and strength, labour and enjoyment. 
A grumbler, however, by nature, he is not quite satisfied 
with it. When at home he complains that it is too humid, 
and the sun seldom visible ; and he longs for an Italian sky, 
and its transparent atmosphere. But when he reaches Italy 
he finds his ideas have been borrowed from poets, and 
remembers that he once heard, when a boy, that ' Fiction 
was the soul of poetry.' The seasons drive him from 
place to place to avoid the sirocco, the malaria, the heat 
or the cold, as a shepherd does his flocks in search of fresh 
pastures, running water, and shelter. He sees an indolent, 
improvident, penniless peasantry, who prefer robbing to 
working, and who resort to murder to prove their ad- 
miration of law, and their fitness for liberty, and who, 
while dreaming of the unattainable, forego what is within 



134 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

their reach, and show how little benefit they have derived 
from the fable of the dog who relinquished the substance 
for the shadow. Yet this lazy, idle rascal, sings and 
dances, talks of freedom as of a thing that dispenses with 
labour as the foundation of property, but supplies and 
protects riches without exacting personal exertion. He 
proceeds to Greece with increased hope ; for, like Byron 
and Gladstone, he imbibed, in his early days, a love for 
Hellenic lore, a veneration for ancient heroes, and is 
spoony on the subject of its nationality ; but he is soon 
convinced that its climate and people have been vastly 
overrated. He finds that the surface of the country, 
broken by high hills and deep ravines, is more distin- 
guished for its picturesque beauty than for its agriculture ; 
that the heat of the plains which ripens tropical fruits is 
overpowering and enervating, and that the mountains, 
covered only with the hardiest trees and shrubs, are more 
fitted for the resort of wolves and bears than civilized man. 
In his disappointment, while discarding all the romance of 
early years, he runs to the opposite extreme, and uses 
stronger language than the subject warrants. He main- 
tains that whatever the Greeks may have been at some 
remote period, they are now greedy, ungrateful, trea- 
cherous, and bloodthirsty, preferring trade to agriculture, 
piracy to trade, and repudiation, on account of its being 
easier as well as safer, to even the greater sport of piracy 
and murder. 

Wherever he extends his tour he finds the climate 
inferior to his own, and returns not satisfied, but grum- 
bling, because he is convinced that ' bad is the best.' He 
discovers, however, that there are other qualities in a 
climate besides its agreeableness, which render it suitable 
for the abode of man. That of England, with its many 
faults, is neither too hot nor too cold to interfere with 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 135 

continuous labour, and is, withal, so temperate as to 
promote the full development of the human frame. Green 
crops and corn attain their full perfection, and all the 
most valuable fruits are easily matured. The verdure 
of England is only excelled by that of the dear 
' Emerald Isle,' at once so lovely and so unique. If the 
climate were hotter, he would be compelled to desist 
from work in the middle of the day, and the nights 
would be sufficiently warm to incline him to sleep in the 
open air. 

If England were to drift farther south, he would require 
his daily siesta, and cultivate a knowledge of the guitar 
to serenade his mistress by moonlight. He would be 
poor, proud, and lazy, disinclined to exertion or thought. 
Less labour would procure the necessaries of life, and 
what he would think of equal importance, that little he 
would try to make others perform for him. Indolence 
would gradually affect his mind, even reflection would 
be fatiguing, he would find it irksome to think for him- 
self, and would probably request the Pope to save 
him this trouble, by providing him with a religion 
suited to his mind, body, and habits. He would like a 
spacious and cool cathedral, dreamy music, fragrant 
incense, beautiful paintings, gorgeous robes, imposing 
processions, things to delight the eye, the ear, and the 
imagination, but that require neither thought nor labour 
on his part. It is more agreeable to believe than to argue ; 
it is easier to get goods on tick, than to pay for them ; 
and it saves a world of trouble to let others decide for us, 
and to accept their tenets with implicit belief. If excite- 
ments are wanting (as they obviously would be in such a 
climate) bull-fights, fetes, and above all, an auto da fe 
now and then, would diversify the monotony of life. He 
might have a pleasanter time of it, but he would cease to 



136 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

be John Bull. He would feed on figs, olives, and grapes, 
and drink vapid sour wine ; he would eat but little meat, 
and cease to brew beer. Abstaining from animal food 
during the fasts of the Church, would be no penance to 
him, but rather a sanitary rule. But to renounce fruits 
and vegetables, would indeed be an effort of great self- 
denial. In like manner, if he were to apply the power of 
his steam-tugs to the removal of England, and tow her 
away to the north in search of a better climate (as it is 
probable he will some day when he has destroyed its con- 
stitution by adopting Yankee inventions, and pirating 
their patent high pressure political engines) he will have 
an easy time of it in winter. He will be torpid during 
those long, dreary months, and find the Laplander a 
happy, contented fellow, sustaining life, like the bear, by 
the absorption of his own fat, and undergoing the process 
of smoking, in order to his keeping through the heats of 
summer. As things are, however, he is the right man in 
the right place. To his temperate climate he owes his 
muscular, well-developed frame ; but if it is warm enough 
to enable him to be abroad more days, and more hours in 
the day, than he could be in any other country, it for- 
tunately does not enable him to live entirely in the open 
air like the inhabitants of Buenos Ayres. It compels him 
to have a dwelling, not as a mere shelter from the weather, 
but as a home to contain his family and dependents, to 
regulate whom, he must dwell among them, and introduce 
order, harmony, comfort, and economy, and cultivate the 
domestic virtues. To maintain them he must work, and 
when work ceases he seeks the seclusion of his home ; he 
feels that it is his duty, as well as his interest, to make 
that home happy. He constantly boasts of it, and of 
its exclusive rights ; he calls it his castle, and he 
defends it with as much jealousy as a sovereign does 



JOHN BULL AND HIS D1GGINS. 137 

those fortified places which he dignifies with that title. 
England is covered with these castles, great and small, 
armed or unarmed, and their owners are independent 
each of the other, and all of the sovereign or the nobility. 
They severally claim for themselves that liberty which 
they concede to others, and in maintaining their indi- 
vidual rights, they unconsciously work out public liberty. 
From the necessity of providing means to support his 
family, he acquires a taste for the pursuit of gain, and 
becomes a merchant or a manufacturer. Nature intended 
that some of his children should be sailors ; his country 
is bounded on all sides by the ocean ; he was a good 
rower at school, and learned the use of a boat as well as 
that of a gradus or a dictionary. Whenever he obtains 
a view of the sea he beholds innumerable ships, he reads 
of their distant voyages and rich cargoes, he hears those 
who own them called ' Merchant Princes,' and recollects 
the proud and characteristic reply of his own father when 
this flattering appellation was first applied to him, ' I 
hope not,' he said ; ' princes are needy and illiberal, I 
trust I am neither one nor the other, I am nothing more 
or less than a plain English merchant.' 

He has minerals on his estate, and acquires the art of 
mining to extract them ; and digs deep into the bowels of 
the earth for coals to smelt them ; and, when they are 
refined, sets up manufactories to convert them into 
articles of use or ornament. He freights his ships with 
these productions, and exchanges them for raw materials 
that his country cannot produce ; which, by the aid of 
mechanical skill, he exports in a manufactured state, 
to be again exchanged for money or cotton, for cordage 
or sugar, for wine or tobacco, and amasses great 
wealth by these several operations. He founds colonies 
in all parts of the globe, and peoples them with his 



138 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

artisans and labourers. His language is spoken by a 
great portion of the inhabitants of the earth, as America, 
Australia, New Zealand, the Cape of Good Hope, and 
the ports of the Mediterranean can testify. Is it any 
wonder he is proud and boasts of his race, which he 
firmly believes will overrun the world ? Having interests 
to protect everywhere, both of his own and the people 
whom he governs, he is apt to interfere with his neigh- 
bours in a way to render him hated by all. Being a 
strong, muscular man, and having much of the animal in 
his composition, he is pugnacious — makes war without 
cause ; and, when his passion subsides, concludes peace 
without advantage. He offers advice where it is not 
asked, and sulks or fights if it is not followed. He is full 
of contradictions, profuse and mean, impulsive and cold, 
tolerant and bigoted, independent, yet governed by party ; 
learned, but not wise ; good-natured, but full of fight ; 
fond of nobility, but democratic ; full of invention, yet 
slow to adopt improvements ; a churchman, but refuses 
to pay rates ; and so on. But he is, withal, a manly 
fellow — and where shall we find his equal ? These very 
contradictions often balance each other, and their fusion 
makes the man. Such is John Bull. 

On our arrival from Southampton at the Waterloo 
station, Gary advised me to accompany him to the 
British Hotel, Cockspur-street, which, he said, was just 
the place to suit a stranger like me. * Its first recom- 
mendation,' he observed, ' is, that it has a spacious, well- 
ventilated, smoking-room ; not perched up in the roof of 
the house, like the cockloft used by the Long Island 
Dutch for smoking hams, as if it was a thing to be 
ashamed of, but comfortably situated on the ground-floor, 
easy of access to those who frequent the coffee-room, or to 
those who patronize the house. Nothing is so incon- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 139 

venient in England, as this affectation of associating 
smoking with vulgarity. In large country houses the 
ill-fated smokers are driven to the housekeeper's room, 
or to the conservatory ; and in towns are either turned 
out to pace the street with their cigars in their mouths, 
or are driven to their clubs, where they have to mount 
to the attic, an ascent only surpassed by that of Mont 
Blanc. Indeed, they are lucky if they find any smoking- 
room at their club, for it is not every one that indulges 
in this luxury. 

' My scientific one has none ; the bishops (and they 
do greatly congregate there) think smoking, infra dig. 
They were once curates, and were good for a clay 
pipe, a screw of tobacco, and a pot of half and half; 
but now they are good for nothing but shovel-hats, 
aprons, and gaiters. Artists would enjoy a whiff, but 
stand in awe of these Dons. It is true they don't give 
"orders" themselves, but they know those who do, 
which is quite as good, and they have a very patron- 
izing air ; so they look at these sable dignitaries, draw 
a long sigh, shake their heads, and mutter, "It's a 
pity it's no go." A few old lords, who love black- 
lettered folios, because they are printed with antiquated 
types and are early editions, coeval with, or antecedent to, 
their own titles, are horrified at the sight of a " clay," 
which they associate with thieves and pickpockets, and 
the smell of tobacco, which painfully reminds them of 
those hot-beds of schism and rebellion, the pot-houses. 
The geological members of the club have a "primitive 
formation " in them ; but it is either overlaid with 
rubbish or crops out ruggedly sometimes ; still they are 
'* up to trap" andwould like " a draw " if they were not 
overawed by these lords spiritual and temporal. Defend 
me from the dulness of those who point only to the future 



140 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

or the past, and are not " up to the time of day.' I 
don't want to live with my grandfathers or my grand- 
children. I have no desire to hear of Gladstone's Homer, 
and the Siege of Troy, or Little Red Riding Hood, and 
the Babes in the Wood. Defend me from a learned club 
like mine ! The members are not genial, and they must 
be incurable, when such men as Thackeray, Sam Slick, 
and Dickens, who (to their credit be it spoken, are all 
smokers, can't persuade them that what the white and 
the black man, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian 
and the Turk, the savage and the Spanish lady do, has, 
at least, the sanction of the majority, and is clearly 
adapted to all tastes and all climates. The war waged 
against this habit by old Dons, antiquated dames, and 
pretty girls, ought to be added to the three great social 
evils that afflict this country.' 

' Pi'ay what may they be,' I asked, ' for I have been 
out of England the last few years, and it has been a 
sealed book to me ?' 

1 Lawyers, doctors, and parsons,' he replied. ' I hate 
a lawyer, sir ; I have a natural antipathy to one as my 
mother had to a cat. If I perceive one in the room I 
feel faint, gasp for breath, and rush to the door. They 
are so like cats in their propensities, that I suppose I 
may call this dislike hereditary. I don't know if you 
ever remarked it, but their habits and instincts are very 
similar. They purr round you, and rub against you 
coaxingly when they want you to overcome your pre- 
judice against their feline tribe. They play before they 
pounce. I was at the trial of Palmer, the poisoner. As 
soon as he was arraigned, I read his doom in the look of 
the judge. He had studied the examinations, and knew 
what they foreshadowed. He was gallows polite to him ; 
he ordered a chair for him, begged him to be seated, and 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 141 

was very kind and condescending in his manner. " Cock- 
burn," said I (for it was be who prosecuted), "Palmer's 
fate is sealed." " Yes," be replied, " that offer of the 
chair always precedes the sus. per. coll." 

* How they fix their eyes and glare at their victim, just 
before they finally spring upon him ! They have long 
claws, and sharp, powerful nippers, and no one ever 
escapes from their clutches. Like cats, too, their attach- 
ment is local and not personal ; tbey are fond of your 
mansion and estate, but not of 'you, and when you leave 
them, they remain in possession. They begin by bowing 
themselves into your house, and end by bowing you out 
of it. Their bills are as long as tailors' measures ; and 
when, like them, they are hung on a peg, they resemble 
them uncommonly. They are very moderate in their 
charges ; no man can find fault with them, the items are 
so contemptibly small. As a gentleman, how can you 
possibly object to two shillings and sixpence, for answer- 
ing, or five shillings for writing a letter, or six and 
eightpence, for allowing you to look at him, and eight and 
fourpence for laying down his pen to look at you ? He 
is too polite ; he will attend you at your house, and 
receive your signature, to relieve you of the trouble of 
going to his office. Ten shillings is a small charge for 
this, and two shillings and sixpence for cab hire is very 
reasonable. He is so attentive and so accurate, you are 
charmed with him. He takes instructions in writing^ 
then drafts the required instrument, then copies it in 
triplicate — one for you, another for himself, and a third 
for counsel ; then he engrosses it, and watches the execu- 
tion of it, after which he encloses it to you, and writes to 
you an interesting account of what has been done, and 
you acknowledge the receipt of it. and he informs you by 
return of post that your letter has reached its destination 



142 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

One charge for all this very necessary work might, in the 
gross, appear large, but divided into minute items, it is 
the essence of cheapness. " On my soul " (as Big Ben, 
the Jew china dealer says), " it ish a great bargain, you 
get it for nothing ;" and, by way of parenthesis, I may say, 
" Shegog, do you believe lawyers and Jews have souls? 
because I don't." * And pray, may I ask how do you 
arrive at that conclusion ?' said I. ' Because neither of 
them have any conscience ; and I believe a man who has 
no conscience is not possessed of a soul, for man is an 
accountable being. Of the two, I like the Jew the better, 
because he runs a certain risk when he lends money, as 
it is only the needy or the extravagant man that borrows ; 
and although he charges exorbitant interest, he does give 
you something for your post-obit. But a lawyer's stock 
in trade is a quire of paper and a bunch of quills. His 
motto is that of the spider, " Omnia mea mecum porto." 
His office is none of the best dusted, (so many poor fellows 
come "down with the dust" there,) and none of the 
tidiest, so his emblem, the spider, is often seen weaving 
his web in the corner, an ominous sign, if his clients were 
well versed in natural history, and, like the clock, a quiet 
monitor, admonishing them that he had first to entangle 
a client and then devour him. The lawyer's spider is 
always a Cardinal.' 

' What is the meaning of that ?' I said, ' for I never 
heard the term before.' 

' Hampton Court Palace/ he replied, ' which was built 
by Wolsey, is infested with an enormous breed of spiders, 
the bodies of which are nearly as large as young mice ! 
Indeed they have spread over the adjoining country, for 
miles round, and are called " Cardinals " after him. 
For my part I never condescend to shake hands with a 
lawyer. Their grasp is adhesive, you can never disengage 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 143 

your fingers. You are trapped, as an owl is, with bird- 
lime. It has come to this pass now, you can neither 
afford to let, or to sell, or to buy land, the expenses are 
so enormous. This may be a free country — people say 
it is — but your property is not protected. The first loss 
is the least, and the best. If I am cheated, I follow the 
example of a Yankee friend of mine. He was complain- 
ing to me, in indignant terms, of having just then been 
swindled out of a large sum of money by an attorney, and 
when he had finished his story, I asked him what he in- 
tended to do. "Do, sir," he said, "I shall act as I 
always do under similar circumstances," and he drew 
himself up to his full height, and stretching out his right 
arm to its utmost extent, he gradually contracted his 
fingers on the palm of his hand, and squeezed them 
tightly into it, as if he had a nut to crack, " I squash 
it, sir, and never think of it afterwards." So if I am 
cheated, " I squash it" I never go to a lawyer, for that 
is to throw good money after bad, which doubles the loss. 
These fellows are not content with feeding upon living 
men, they devour the dead, and pick their very bones. 
Like vampires, they first suck the blood, and then, like 
ghouls, make a banquet of the body. They smother us 
while living, with bonds and mortgages, with charges for 
obtaining money for us, with bills of costs, insurances on our 
lives, and every sort of usury, and the breath is scarcely 
out of our bodies, when they open our wills, which they 
drew themselves, and find, that like Manchester cloth, 
when the shoddy is shaken out, the texture is so loose, it 
wont hold together. An attorney's shoddy means actions, 
chancery suits, issues at common law, bills, interrogatories, 
commissions and retainers, refreshers and appeals from 
the decision of one tribunal to another, until it terminates 
in the House of Lords. Chancellors are not much better ; 



144 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

they were lawyers once themselves, or they ought to have 
been, and they feel for that Bar of wtiich they were 
splendid ornaments in their day. But they were poli- 
ticians also ; and although they were selected, as we all 
know, for their legal attainments, their parliamentary 
skill, it is more than suspected, was not forgotten. Popu- 
larity is not to be despised, even on the Bench, and all 
parties are satisfied that the costs should be paid out of 
the estate. Between Gladstone's succession duties, and 
lawyers' fees, how much of an estate goes to the heirs ? 
Even TTiscount Williams professes himself unable to 
answer that question. It is a crying social evil. 

4 Doctors are no better ; and I mean that word to em- 
brace physicians, surgeons, et hoc genus omne. They have 
the modesty to complain in bitter terms that they are not 
well used. Bat do they do unto others as they would 
wish they should do unto them ? Locock says he would 
have been made a peer, had not an enemy traduced him, 
by publishing to the world that he was to be created 
" Lord Deliver us." It is as hard to lose a title by a 
joke, as it is for some men to perpetrate one ; and it is not 
a very pleasant thing to be made the subject of them, for 
jokes, like penny stamps, are adhesive. I don't like people 
whose interests are not only opposed to mine, but whose 
advancement proceeds from my misfortunes. If I break 
my leg, the surgeon rubs his hands with glee, and mur- 
murs thankfully, " how very lucky ; it is a good chance 
for me." They live on epidemics. When influenza is 
rife, they are observed to be unusually constant in their 
attendance at church, not to hear the sermon, but to listen 
to the uproar of coughs. They can form a tolerable 
estimate of their future crop, by the number of these noisy 
Christians, and they return home with thankful hearts, 
that all things work together for the good of the righteous. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 145 

Whenpalled in for consultation, their first inquiry is not con- 
cerning your symptoms, but your means, and their course 
of treatment is wisely regulated by what they hear of the 
state of your chest. It is the full purse, like the full habit of 
body, that requires depletion. The poor fare better, for they 
are generally left to nature, which kindly works out cures 
for the ills that she bestows. Alas! we are not free agents 
in this world. If we do not summon these people when 
our friends are ill, and death . ensues, it is at once said, 
" They died for want of proper medical advice ; nothing 
was done for them." If the doctor is called in, and death, 
like a shadow, follows his footsteps, we are often haunted 
by the idea that "too much " was done for them. They 
do their work in private, and not in public, like lawyers, 
who, with all their faults, are jolly fellows compared to the 
doctors. The former fight it out in court, in presence of 
the judge, jury, and audience, and the public decide for 
themselves on their respective merits. When the trial is 
over, they walk off, arm in arm, in great good- hum our, 
dine together, laugh at the jokes of the judge, the stupidity 
of the jury, and the way the witnesses were bullied and 
bamboozled. The hotel bill is spread over the retainers. 
It is the proper place for it. Like has an affinity for like. 
Fees are attracted by fees, adhere together, and roll up, 
like wet snow, into a large ball. Doctors and parsons do 
not meet face to face, like these gentry, and have a regular 
stand-up fight, and then shake hands, like good fellows ; 
but they fire long shots at their opponents when their 
backs are turned ; the former by inserting scalping, cut- 
ting, and venomous articles, in works devoted to science 
and defamation ; and the latter, by sending to religious 
newspapers anonymous communications, written in a truly 
charitable spirit, holding no sympathy with sinners (which 
they believe all those who differ from them to be), and 

H 



146 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

accordingly denounce them with " bell, book, and candle," 
exposing them to the scorn and contempt of their so- 
called Christian friends. 

' Medical men are, it must be admitted, most obliging 
and accommodating to those who seek them. Has an ex- 
travagant woman a penurious or selfish husband, it is an 
evidence of aberration of mind : the family doctor is con- 
sulted, who sends another mad practitioner to share the 
responsibility, and they certify that the poor man is unsafe 
to be at large. He is, therefore, received into a private 
asylum, the keeper of which pays the recommending 
physician fifteen per cent, on the amount of the annual 
charge for his custody and support. The unfortunate 
victim is outrageous at this false imprisonment, and there- 
by affords the proof which was before wanting of insanity. 
He is laced up in a strait-waistcoat, his head shaved and 
blistered, and he is kindly admonished to keep himself 
cool and quiet. Nothing can ever effect his release save 
poverty or death. Death does sometimes occur, not from 
insanity, but from a broken heart. Poverty is a specific 
in these cases. When the supplies fail, the patient is al- 
most instantaneously and miraculously restored to his 
senses, and is not only released, but actually bowed out 
of the establishment ; for the governor at once discovers 
that it is both dangerous and wicked, to detain a man one 
moment after he is of sane mind. The medical attendant 
informs the freed man, that his disorder has assumed a 
new shape, and has degenerated into another complaint, 
for which there are other practitioners much more compe- 
tent to prescribe than himself; he congratulates him on 
his marvellous recovery, and takes an affectionate leave 
of him. How can men like these complain that the 
world does not do them justice ? How hard these li- 
censed quacks are on their unlicensed brethren ! They 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 147 

persecute and prosecute them, they hold them up to ridi- 
cule and contempt, they analyse their medicines, and 
sometimes deign to pronounce them harmless — can they 
say as much of their own ? They ascribe their cures to 
nature, and their failures to ignorance. Perhaps they are 
indignant at the exposure of their own secrets ; for it is 
their practice to rob nature of the credit that is due to her. 
Their cures are their own, and their failures almost inva- 
riably caused by the neglect of others, in not having con- 
sulted them sooner. 

'The Germans managed their medical men better. 
They made them useful in their armies, by adding the 
dignity of barber and hospital nurse to that of surgeon. 
As English society is now constituted, they are a social 
evil. 

' Their clerical brethren have, of late, become equally 
troublesome ; they have thrown almost every parish in the 
kingdom into confusion ; they have invented nicknames, 
and apply them most liberally to each other. One party 
calls the other Puseyite, and modestly assume the exclu- 
sive title of Evangelical, while they both ignore the 
existence of that large, sensible, pious, and orthodox body 
called the Broad Church, whose peace is destroyed by 
these two factions. The Puseyites are Romanists in 
disguise, and the Low Church party dissenters, while 
both have all the faults of extremes. If they would 
only let each other alone, and confine their rivalry to 
the amount of good they might severally do, it would 
be better for both of them, and for the cause of Christian- 
ity generally. If they would make "the World, the 
Flesh, and the Devil '' their objects of attack, it would be 
far more appropriate and praiseworthy exercise of their 
clerical functions, and conduce more to the welfare of all 

h2 



148 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

who eschew party dissensions, and desire to live in peace 
with all m n . 

' Both have done, and stil do, much service in their way, 
but they are equally deficient in Christian charity. If 
you decline to attach yourself to one side or the other, 
they both turn on you, saying you are neither " hot nor 
cold," as if the fervour of religion was exclusively confined 
to sectarian warfare. They appear to think that the 
affairs of the Church must be conducted on the same 
principles as those of the State, which require a strong 
opposition. The result is, the condition of moderate men 
resembles that to which a prisoner is reduced by the di- 
vided opinions of his counsel. 

' The Puseyite tugs at one skirt, and says, " confess, 
and throw yourself on the mercy of the priest." The 
opposite party grasps the other skirt, exclaiming " do not 
confess, plead not guilty, and run your chance of escape 
from want of proof." One says, " confess your sins," 
and the other, " confess your virtues." There is no 
escape for you, but to slip out of your coat, leaving that 
and your purse in their hands. If they could understand 
a joke, you might say, in affected fright, " Pray, good 
men, take my life, and spare what I have got." One 
would rather die, than not preach in a surplice, the other 
would suffer death sooner than do so. One insists on 
candlesticks on the altar, not to " lighten his darkness," 
but because it is the emblem of his party ; his opponent 
hereupon calls his teaching candlesticlcology, an epithet I 
once heard used in a village church, where the worthy vicar 
was strongly inveighing against Tractarian doctrines and 
customs. The Puseyite loves the rubrick, and is as fond 
of its red letters, as if he believed them stamped with the 
blood of the martyrs. He has, however, a better reason, 
the authority of the Episcopal Bench. 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIG GINS. 149 

* The Militant Evangelical divine, though professing to 
be a Churchman, opposes the authority of his Diocesan ; 
he wishes to be the bishop of his own parish, and to lay 
down the law to his own 'people. In short, whatever the 
High Churchman does, the other opposes. The former 
decorates his church, the latter considers it unjustifiable 
extravagance ; it is better to give the money to the poor, 
and who is so ill-provided and so deserving as himself? 
Stones and painted windows neither eat nor drink, but 
clergymen, their wives and children, do both, and their 
ladies do not object to personal decoration. Women are 
never at a loss for reasons to justify expensive apparel. So 
they say, if it is expected they should go about doing good, 
they must be fashionably dressed ; it makes their visits 
doubly acceptable, and their teaching far more influential, 
for the poor always appreciate the condescension of such 
very fine ladies in entering their humble dwellings. Chil- 
dren may possibly be of a different opinion. A Sunday- 
school scholar being asked by her richly-attired teacher 
what she understood by the pompsa nd vanities of this 
wicked world, replied, " Them's the pomps and wanities, 
ma am, in your bonnet,''' pointing to a profusion of rib- 
bons and artificial flowers. It was considered very 
pert, and so it was, and something more, for it was very 
pertmQwt. 

6 These parties agree in nothing but disagreeing. They 
are mainly led by prejudice, reminding me of an old 
Yorkshire planter in Jamaica, called Ingleby. He was a 
member of the House of Assembly there, and as deaf as 
a post, but he was always observed to vote right, al- 
though he could not hear a word of the debate. My uncle 
asked him one day how this happened to be the case. 
" Why," said he, " I keeps my eye on that Scotch 
Eadical Hume, and whichever way he goes I crosses over 



THE SEASON-TICKET. 

to the other side and votes against him, and nine times out 
of ten I find I have done right." These parties are in the 
same situation, and are equally open to argument and con- 
viction : they do not hear, they reason no more than Ingleby 
did, but they make up their minds, under all circumstances, 
to be always opposed to each other. For my part, I wish 
they would both quit the Church — the one for Rome, and 
the other for Dissent — which, severally, are more congenial 
to them than the Establishment. We should then be able 
to live in security if not in peace, which we cannot do while 
there are concealed traitors within, and hostile hosts without 
our lines. Yes, sir, I consider these three classes, lawyers, 
doctors, and militant parsons constitute what is called the 
" Social Evil" of England.' 

* Why, Cary, my good fellow,' I said, ' you are not 
only unjust but cruel to-day ; one would think you had 
some personal pique against these "three black graces," 
as Horace Smith used to call them. Such severe and 
prejudiced critics as you are, ought to be added to the 
trio that you denominate the "Social Evil." You remind 
me of the chief of the Mohawk Indians, who before re- 
treating from the battle-field at Ticonderaga, stooped for 
a moment to scalp a wounded French officer. Having 
knelt down by his side, he drew his knife, and seizing him 
by the hair of his head, he was about to cut the skin on 
the forehead, to enable him to tear off the scalp, when the 
whole of it came away in his hand, and left a cold, blood- 
less pate exposed to view. It was a wig, a thing the 
savage had never seen or heard of before. He was terri- 
fied at what he considered the supernatural power of the 
Frenchman, who could thus cast his hair as a cockroach 
does his shell, and springing to his feet, and waving the 
wig by its queue, he fled in dismay, exclaiming, " Sar- 
tain, Frenchman — all same — one devil." It was this in- 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 151 

cident which caused the chief to be known ever after as 
the " Bald Eagle." You are like him, you would use a 
scalping-knife ; what is the matter with you to-day V 
' Well,' he replied, ' perhaps, like the Indian, I have not 
hurt a hair of their heads— the truth is, I am cross, I am 
always out of temper on a hot day in England.' ' Why 
in England more than anywhere else ?' ' Because the 
heat is more insufferable here, and so is the cold, on ac- 
count of the dampness that accompanies it. When the 
glass stands at 92 here in the shade, it is equal to 120 at 
Demerara or Jamaica.' ' Well, keep yourself cool and 
good-natured, and I will make you a beverage fit for an 
emperor, not strong enough to inflame, or weak enough 
to be dangerous, from causing a sudden chill.' Having 
compounded this to my own satisfaction, I handed him 
the tankard with that air of triumph which a man always 
feels, who knows he has a receipt that pleases and puzzles 
every one. ' There,' I said, ' take a pull at that, and 
then make a face as if you did not like it.' ' But I do, 
most decidedly,' he replied, as he replaced the antique 
silver vessel on the table — ' it's superb, it's magnificent, 
perfect nectar ; I could drink Milford Haven dry if it was 
filled with that ! what do you call it ?' i It has never been 
christened yet, but as it is the first I have brewed on the 
Southampton line, I shall give it, in honour of you, and 
the approbation you have expressed of it, the name of 

THE SEASON-TICKET. 

One bottle of sound cider, 

One pint and half of lemonade, 

Two glasses of sherry, 

One teaspoonful of orange flower water, 

Two sprigs (or three) of mint, 

Two lumps of sugar, 

Half a pound of Wenham ice. 



152 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

There, you have the name and the receipt, and let me 
tell you it is the best I know of among the thousand and 
one that are so much vaunted. It has the great recom- 
mendation of being very cheap and very simple, and the 
ingredients are everywhere within reach. Like every- 
thing else it has a secret, and that is, the orange jloiver 
water. It is that which imparts to it its delicate muscat 
flavour. Champagne, claret, and moselle cup are snobbish ; 
the way they are generally compounded is such as to 
spoil good and costly wines that are unfit for dilution. 
The name sounds rich, but the beverage is poor. This 
" Season-Ticket" elevates the character of the materials, 
and makes a compound superior to all others. Try it 
again, for ice melts quickly this weather, and your liquor 
should be either hot or cold. Anything like warm is 

only fit to be taken with ipecac ' ' Yes,' he gasped, as 

he handed me back the almost empty flagon, ' the " Sea- 
son-Ticket " is beyond all praise. I am at peace now 
with all the world.' 

' If that is the case,' I said, ' recall your censures on 
the professors of Law, Physic, and Divinity.' ' I can't 
do that/ he replied ; ' I neither cant nor recant. I have 
the same repugnance my bailiff evinced, when sued for 
defamation, to subscribe to an apology for publishing what 
was not true about one of my tenants. " No, sir," he 
said ; " I will never sign a lie-bill ; I'd rather die first." 
I won't retract ; but if you think the shadows are too 
strong and dark, I have no objection to add the lights ; 
perhaps the portrait may then be more easily recognised 
and more true to nature. Well, bring me my easel, 
and give me my palette and brush, and let us retouch 
these pictures. I think we began with the lawyers. It's 
hard to make becoming likenesses of these fellows, their 
features are so marked that, although quite perfect, their 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 153 

photographs look like caricatures. Let me see. I will 
soften down the lines of impudence, and make those of 
firmness and independence somewhat stronger ; keep 
down the professional look of cunning, and bring out the 
traits of humour, wit, and knowledge of the world for 
which they are distinguished. I could perhaps improve 
the specimens by a judicious selection of sitters. I would 
choose Chelmsford and Lyndhurst in preference to 
Bethell and Campbell.' < Why not Campbell ?' I 
asked. * Read his face and his Lives, and you will find 
the answer in both. He is amongst the first-fruits of the 
Whigs, and men don't gather grapes from thorns. That 
party cannot boast of feats ; they don't aim so high ; they 
are content with counterfeits.' ' Try the cup again,' I 
said ; ' it has not made you genial yet. I hope you can 
say something better for the clergy.' ' Well,' he replied, 
drawing a long breath, after having drained the flagon, 
' Shegog, if all trades fail, open a " Seas on-Ticket Shop " 
in London, and you will make your fortune. It's capital 
lush, that ; make another brew, and I will see what I can 
do for the clergy. Well, first of all, I'd paint out the 
M.B. waistcoat of the Puseyites, and put in a nice white- 
bosomed shirt ; and then I'd cut off half a yard of his 
coat, and reduce it to the peace establishment ; for now it 
is a hybrid between a Romish priests's vestment and the 
coat of an Irish car-driver ; and I'd. fill him out as if he 
was a well-fed Christian, instead of being half starved on 
a miserable pittance, disgraceful to his flock, and unwor- 
thy of him. I will say this for them — they are a self- 
denying sect. What a pity it is such good, such zealous, 
and unselfish men should be a sect, ain't it ? Well, then, 
as for the Low Church clergy, who have " a proud look 
and a high stomach," and appear as if they lived on the 
fat of the land and the donations of their admiring female 

h3 



154 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

devotees, I would alter their Primitive Methodistical 
white chokers, and add a neat tie to them ; I would give 
them a shirt-collar, take away their shovel hats (to which 
they have no right) ; substitute a morning coat for the 
everlasting dress one they wear, and expunge that look 
of complacency they carry about with them, as if they felt 
(as the Yankees say) " good all over," and condescended 
to receive the universal homage of all who beheld and ad- 
mired them. Oh, I am willing to correct my sketches. I 
well know there are good, talented, and self-denying men 
in all divisions of our church.' ' Yes/ I said ; ' but your 
corrections are like those of our old Harrow schoolmaster, 
well meant, no doubt, but they touch the feelings rather 
painfully.' ' As for the doctors, they ought to be able to 
take care of themselves.' ' Never mind them at present, 
the weather is too hot ; in your cooler moments I am sure 
you will do them justice. Their gratuitous services to 
the poor, their unpaid, or inadequately remunerated at- 
tendance at hospitals, infirmaries, and dispensaries, are 
above all praise. I don't like to hear a whole profession 
judged and condemned by the conduct of a few individuals. 
Believe me, you are unjust, and it is easy for you who are 
not a member of either of those learned bodies, but a man 
of fortune, to find fault with them. Recollect they might 
return the compliment, by representing you as belonging 
to that class which has been defined to be " Fruges con- 
sumere nati." You have charged the clergy with being 
deficient in charity ; let us not expose ourselves to a simi- 
lar remark.' ' I'll tell you a story,' he said, with an arch 
look, * the application of which will furnish an answer to 
your lecture. Three or four years ago, I made a passage 
from the Cape to Liverpool, and landed at the latter place 
about seven o'clock on Sunday morning. When I reached 
the Waterloo Hotel, and had breakfasted, it occurred to 



JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 155 

me that, as I was in the same town with the celebrated 
Dr. M'Neile, I would avail myself of the opportunity of 
attending his chapel, in the hope that 1 might be fortunate 
enough to hear him preach. His parish was some dis- 
tance from the hotel, and, when I arrived at the church, 
I found not only the pews occupied but the aisles filled 
with well-dressed people, who were standing there with the 
same object I had in view. As I had been on deck all 
night I felt too tired to remain on an uncertainty ; so, ad- 
dressing myself to the verger, I asked if Dr. M'Neile was 
one of the two white-haired clergymen who were in the 
reading-desk pulpit (for such was its shape). " Yes," he 
replied, " the one on the right hand is the doctor." 

< " Will he preach to-day?" 

6 " How do I know ? " 

6 "It's a civil question, my friend, -and deserves a civil 
answer." 

4 " Yes, it's a civil question, but a very improper one. 
People come here and ask me whether Dr. M'Neile is 
going to preach. They ought to come to say their 
prayers, sir, and to listen to the sermon, whoever preaches 
it. The clergyman is not " 

* " Stop, my friend," I said, " I came to hear Dr. 
M'Neile preach, and not you." 

6 " Well, he is not going to preach." 

' " Then good morning to you ;" and I left him still 
discoursing. — Now, Shegog, you may draw your answer 
from that story. I came to this room to smoke, and not 
to listen to a lecture.' 

' How uncommon cross you are,' I said ; ' that Season- 
Ticket is thrown away upon you.' * No, indeed,' he re- 
plied, ' it is not, I assure you ; I am only cross because it 
is all gone.' ' Try one of these cigars.' ' They are ex- 
cellent. I never hear of these professional men without 



156 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

remembering a scrape I got into with an old East Indian 
officer. He had three sons, one a clergyman, the second 
a surgeon, and the third a land-agent. " Ah, my 
friend," I said, " what a fortunate man you are in your 
children. They have the prayers of the church, for they 
represent, ' Mind, Body, and Estate.' " Instead of taking 
this as a badinage, he became furious. He said it was a 
joke that would stick to his family for ever. But he was 
still more indignant when I retracted it. " You know 
best/' I replied, " and I withdraw it. They have neither 
'mind, body, nor estate,' so I hope you are satisfied." : 

Just then the smoking-room began to fill with people ; 
and, as I never talk freely to a mixed company, we 
changed our conversation to indifferent subjects, and spoke 
in a lower tone. ' The eleven train, for Southampton,' 
said Car , ' will suit you best, so we shall meet at break- 
fast to-morow. I shall not return for two or three days ; 
but I will accompany you to the station, and see you off, 
and the day after to-morrow shall be there again to meet 
you on the arrival of the 5 * 50 train. Good night.' 



( 157 ) 



No. VI. 

BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 

When Cary bade me good- night, as related in the last 
chapter, I did not leave the smoking-room immediately, 
but lingered a while longer, for the purpose of finishing a 
magnificent Havannah that I had but just lighted. My 
last cigar at night has always been pronounced an inter- 
minable one ; I take my time to it ; I fondly linger over 
it ; it smoulders in its ashes ; it never burns ; it is alive, 
and that is all ; it is genial to the last, and expires with- 
out an effort. The North American Indians measure 
distances by pipes, instead of miles as we do ; but they 
are savages, and smoke as they travel, which, as sailors 
say, is ' like throwing ashes to windward/ When I in- 
dulge in a ' weed/ I do so at my leisure. I take no note 
of time — 

' Parting is such sweet sorrow, 
That I could say good night until to-morrow.' 

Nothing concentrates one's ideas, or supplies charming 
reveries, like smoking. I was indulging in one of these 
agreeable musings, when my attention was attracted by 
the conversation of two Yorkshiremen who sat near me, 
and were sipping hot whisky toddy. One of them, lifting 
his glass, said, ' Mr. Dupe, I drinks to you / * Thank you 
sir, I sees you do/ was the reply, accompanied by a slight 
inclination of the head. * Have you been to the Secretary 



158 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

of State yet ?' said the first speaker, ' and secured that 
office you were after ?' ' Yes,' replied the other, ' I have 
been there, but it's no go ; elections are over now, and 
there is no getting at these gentry when they are in Lon- 
don. If you ask a favour of one of them beforehand, he 
is all smiles and bows, and patting you good-naturedly on 
your shoulder, he says, " Hush, my dear fellow. If I was 
to tell you what I am going to do, they might say I bribed 
you with a promise of an office ; just wait till the poll 
closes, and then remind me of it — you understand what I 
mean ; you know where to find me always " (and he gives 
me a comical look). " Doing a favour after the poll closes, 
is not promising it before you vote ; a nod is as good as a 
wink to a blind horse. When you get the office, you can- 
not say it was a quid pro quo, eh ? Devilish stringent act 
that election law ; it is a mere trap for the unwary." J 

' Well, after the election is over, you begin to open your 
eyes, as puppies do after nine days. The after-piece 
comes then, and a grand farce it is. Dodge first is the 
fortification dodge. You can't get at the great man; he 
is surrounded by entrenchment within entrenchment, like 
the circles caused by a stone thrown into the water. 
There are pickets, and supporting sentries, and guards 
supporting pickets, and an encampment in the centre, 
which again is a beautifully arranged labyrinth. You 
cannot find the clue out yourself, and when you think you 
know your way, some one arrests your progress, or sets 
you wrong. " Is Lord Tardy within ?" " Don't know, sir ; 
your name, if you please ; sit down here, sir, and I will 
see." Well, you wait, and wait, until your patience is 
quite exhausted. You count the drawers in the bureaux, 
read their numbers, and take a mental survey of the 
chairs and tables, and whatever else is in the room, and 
when that is done, look at your watch, and begin the cata- 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 159 

logue again. By way of a change, you look out of the 
window, and you observe an area wall, several crooked 
brick chimney heads, with iron swivel hoods to cure smok- 
ing flues, roofs of various colours, and slopes of every 
possible angle, sashes of different sizes, with glass that 
even the rain has failed to reach, or cleanse, since it was 
first inserted there, and that appears designed rather to 
let out darkness than to admit light. You then withdraw 
from the contemplation of this sepulchral looking recep- 
tacle of " the dead buried alive," with a chill that makes 
your very flesh creep. At last your gaoler returns, looks 
in at the door, starts at seeing you there (for he had wholly 
forgotten you) and says, " his lordship has not come down 
yet, sir ; and it is now so late, it is not probable he will be 
here until to-morrow." You call the following day ; un- 
dergo solitary confinement for an hour or two again, and are 
informed " there is a cabinet council in the afternoon." 
You try your luck a third time ; are caged as before ; 
make the same enumeration of the scanty furniture, and 
with an involuntary shudder look out upon the " dark- 
ness visible " of the dismal area. The only living thing 
discernible is a cat, who with stealthy steps is meditating 
an impromptu visit to a friend in the next street. Even 
this interesting object soon disappears from view, when 
you turn from the scene of solitude, and mechanically 
draw out your watch to reckon the hours of your captivity. 
You are about to depart, in indignant despair, when the 
servitor again appears, and informs you that " his lord- 
ship has to receive two or three deputations, successively, 
which will occupy him all day." Your heart fails you at 
this ; at least if it don't it is made of different stuff from 
mine ; you feel that if you could only get a sight of that 
bird you could bring him down, whether he was on his 
roost or on the wing ; but you can't even guess at his 



160 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

whereabouts. By great good luck you meet him at last 
at the entrance, just as he alights from his carriage, when 
he is delighted to see you. He has heard you have taken 
the trouble to call upon him several times, for which he is 
very sorry; he invites you into his room, requests you to 
be seated, inquires kindly after Mrs. Dupe, and the rest 
of the Dupe family ; " has heard Miss Dupe is about to 
change her name, and if so, hopes it will be an advan- 
tageous exchange." After giving utterance to this very 
civil speech, he smiles again blandly, and taking up a 
bundle of neatly folded papers from his desk, tied with 
red tape, he stares in well-affected fright at its great bulk, 
and looking grave, though very gracious, says, " My dear 
sir, can I do any thing for you ?" You open your request, 
when Dodge No. 2 appears. " You are too late, my good 
fellow," he replies with mournful air ; "why in the world 
didn't you apply in time ? it is given away ; but cheer up, 
better luck next time." 

* Dodge No. 3, is quite as true, and equally ingenious. 
The office you ask for is not in your borough, the pa- 
tronage belongs to the county members — " I am afraid it 
is disposed of, but I will inquire, and let you know." If 
this answer is not quite applicable, he resorts to Dodge 
No 4, and says, " The office is in the gift of the Board of 
Trade ; I spoke to Wilson about it, but he assured me it 
was an interference on my part not usual among the 
heads of different departments, and got ' as mad as a 
Jiatter ;' " and this is the way a poor fellow is put off. 
Election promises, my good friend, are like pie-crusts, 
short, flaky, and brittle ; they won't hold together till 
they reach your mouth — I have done with paying court 
to people in office — no man shall ever have it in his power 
to fool me in that way again.' 

' Don't be discouraged, Dupe,' said his friend, ' there 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 161 

is a mode of improving people's hearing, and their memory 
too, that you are not aware of. I'll tell you to-morrow 
how to put your case before him in a way he must attend 
to if he wishes to retain his seat. You don't know how 
to talk to a man situated as he is. Be guided by me, 
and you are sure of your office, — you must not take No 
for an answer. It is your business to ask, and it is his 
interest to grant your request. You remind me of my 
little boy Bob. He begged hard the other day, when 
some friends were dining with us, to be allowed to come 
in, and sit at the table during dessert, which I told him 
he might do, provided he neither talked nor annoyed 
people by asking for fruit. He very readily assented to 
this condition, which he honestly fulfilled to the letter ; 
at last I heard the poor little fellow crying and sobbing most 
pitifully — " What is the matter, Bob,'.' I said, " what are 
you crying about?" "Why, Pa," he replied, "here I 
am, asking for nothing, and getting nothing.'" 

' Now, you are like that child, if you don't ask, you 
won't get anything ; and not only so, you must ask till 
you obtain what you want. Why, my good fellow, the 
whole system of representative government is founded on 
a principle of mutual assurance. The elector bribes the 
candidate with a vote, and expects to be paid by the gift 
of some office ; and the candidate bribes the government 
by his support, for an appointment or a title for himself. 
The only interest worth having in this country is parlia- 
mentary influence. Votes are marketable property, the 
highest bidder is sure to win. Every man has his price, 
but it requires tact to discover what that is, and still more 
how to offer it. Money is a gross vulgar thing, and, of 
course, never enters into the calculation of any but the 
lowest of mankind. Office is an honourable thing ; it 
may be tendered freely, and accepted without hesitation. 



162 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

India would have satisfied Bright ; he is as well fitted for 
it as any man that never saw it, and he would have got 
it too, but they have an awkward trick of fighting there, 
and the public would not be satisfied with a Quaker. 
Others, who are less ambitious, are content with the 
honour of dining with the Premier ; but who can resist 
the offer of an invitation for their wives and daughters to 
the Queen's Ball? The higher the man, the greater the 
bribe ; for the thing is regulated by a graduated scale. 
The office of tide-waiter will suit the son of a tradesman, 
a canonry is the measure of a popular partisan preacher, 
and a bishopric may be the reward of a pamphleteer- 
ing dean ; an Indian judgeship pacifies a troublesome 
lawyer, and a governorship a needy but influential 
peer. To call these things corrupt practices is a perver- 
sion of terms ; they are simply the reward of merit. 
The giver and the receiver are too high-minded and 
honourable to view them in any other light. You must 
read the political like the social world, by the light of 
experience. As my father used to say of women, you 
must study their nature. When he lived at Sheffield, 
and his establishment was small, he never rang the bell 
for the maid, but when he wanted her always went out 
into the street to call her, for he said women were sure 
to be found looking out of the window. In like manner, 
he always hired the prettiest girls he could find; they 
waited for the men to run after them, but the ugly ones 
always wasted their time in running after the men : one 
stayed at home, and the other didn't. Now, you must 
study this Cabinet Minister, and show him how important 
you are to his retaining his own office ; and the way to 
do that, is to represent yourself as more influential, if 
possible, than you now are.' 

1 Yes, yes,' said Dupe, despondingly, ' I may be useful 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 163 

or influential, if you like, but these fellows have no grati- 
tude in them, they never think of you after you have 
served their turn. They are like the great plain we saw 
when travelling in Russia, that swallows up a whole river, 
and continues as thirsty as ever — drink, drink, drink, un- 
ceasingly.' 

*I believe you, my boy,' said his philosophic friend, 
' and never drew breath the while. How I envy that 
plain, this hot weather, how I should like to swallow that 
river — just open my mouth and gulp down every drop of 
it. How charming! oh, wouldn't I say (no, I couldn't 
say it, because I should have to keep my tongue within 
my teeth, but I'd think it) — 

" Flow on thou shining river, 
But ere thou reach the sea, 
Seek Ella's lips, and give her 
The draughts thou givest me." 

Oh, dear, what fun ! I never knew before the difference 
between a river's mouth, and the mouth of a river. If 
Ovid had seen that phenomenon of nature wouldn't he 
have turned it to account in his Metamorphoses ! What 
a punishment for a drunkard, to transform him into a 
bottomless pitcher, and what a reward to confer upon an 
active, influential, obliging voter,' and then he laid back 
in his chair, and laughed until his throat emitted a 
gurgling sound, resembling running water. When he 
recovered, he suited the action to the word, lifted his 
glass of toddy to his lips, saying as before, but with un- 
accountable gravity, ' Dupe, my boy, I drinks to you,' 
to which the other as gravely responded, 'Sir, I sees 
you do/ 

1 No, my good fellow/ his friend continued, ' it is not 
that they are so forgetful, but that you expect too much. 



164 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Talk of gratitude ; why, what is your idea of that word ? 
why, if you " nannylize " it, as old Arkwright used to 
say, you'll find it's u a lively expectation of benefits to 
come." It's far-seeing, and not near-sighted, or as that 
same old millionaire, when he began to study grammar 
at sixty years of age, used to say to his debtors to show 
off his learning to advantage, "I gives no credit, I goes 
on the imperative mood, and likes the present tense — you 
must pay down on the nail." Gratitude in a member of 
Parliament ! gratitude in a political leader ! who ever 
heard of it except as a figure of speech ! It's a law of 
nature, sir ; why Jemmy Dawkins says that even the dead 
are ungrateful. 

6 As I was coming down Cockspur-street this morning 
from Pall Mall, somebody touched me on the shoulder, 
and as I turned I beheld my father's old coachman, 
Jemmy Dawkins. 

' " How do you do, Master Jack ?" said he ; " you 
look hearty — it's a long time since I had the pleasure of 
seeing you — have you got a missus yet ?" f ' No," I said, 
" there's time enough for that ; some of these days, per- 
haps, I may think of it, but at present I prefer to be 
single. 

' " Well," said Jemmy, " perhaps you are right, 
Master Jack ; it don't do to put hosses or men into 
harness too soon, it's apt to break their spirit like. If I 
might be so bold as to offer my advice (no offence, sir, I 
hope) — as the old gentleman, your father, left you a 
handsome fortune — if I was you, I would go in for beauty, 
and not money, for as far as my experience runs (though 
to be sure it's more in the dead line than the white jobs), 
I should say it's better to have the wife under the whip 
hand than on the lead, and to have her well under com- 
mand, than for her to take the bit into her mouth and 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 165 

play the devil. Shape, make, and breed is the great 

thing, both for hosses and wives, for 

' An ugly woman is like a crooked pin, 
You can't get her out if she once gets in.' 

But come with me, sir, if you please, I have got some 
beauties to show you." 

' " What, women ?" I said. 

' " No, sir, Lor' bless you, women couldn't hold a candle 
to them. I have eighty-four of 'em." 

'"Eighty-four what?" 

"'Black jobs, sir — black as ink, and not a white hair 
on any of 'em." 

' I accordingly turned and went with him to his stables, 
and, sure enough, there were between eighty and ninety 
coal-black horses, devoted entirely to the melancholy 
purpose of conveying the dead to their final resting-place. 
I assure you I felt a sort of shudder come over me when 
I first beheld these heralds of the grave, and listened to 
the jaunty conversation of their driver. 

4 " Beautiful animals these, ain't they, sir? I own I feel 
proud when I mount the box, and take the ribbons in my 
hand. They are the admiration of the whole town, sir ; 
all eyes is on 'em, and people gather in crowds to see 
them walk off so stately. They have a mission, and they 
seem to understand its importance. It must be a great 
consolation to the survivors to know their friends have so 
handsome a turn-out as mine to take their last drive in. 
They are very substantial cattle for such light work. I 
have often thought it was a very odd custom to select 
such big ones ; for what does one insider signify to the 
like of them ? Why, sir, it's mere child's play to them, 
and nothing more. It ain't bulk that's the cause, for in 
a general way people falls away in flesh at the last." 

' " Perhaps," said I, " it is because of the dead weight" 



166 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

'Jemmy paused a moment as if he were gradually 
comprehending the explanation of a mystery that had 
puzzled him so long and so often. 

' " It's very odd, Master Jack," he said, " you should 
have found that out so quick; hut I see it must be 
so, though I never thought of it before. But it don't 
much matter ; we are paid by the job, and not by bulk or 
weight, for you see there is no luggage nor incumbrance 
of any kind. I never charged for overweight, sir, but 
once since I was in the trade, and that was this orning. 
I got the biggest, fattest, and most uncommon heaviest 
woman out of Thomas' Hotel I ever see — she weighed 
twenty-four stone. They grumbled a good deal about 
paying extra, saying what was a stone or two, more or 
less, to four powerful hosses like mine ? l Very true,' 
says I, ' and what's a trunk or two extra to a steam 
engine on the Great Western Railway? nothing more nor 
a feather,' says I ; ' still they whips 'em up into the 
scales and weighs 'em to an ounce ; and if you go for to 
say a word, they cram the Directors down your throat, 
body and breeches, and says it's their orders. Every 
indulgence they gives is their own, and they takes tip for 
it ; they don't demand it, but they expect it ; every snub 
you get comes direct from the Chairman. Now,' says I, 
' I am Board and Director both in one. I lays down the 
law, and sees it carried into execution. So fork out ; it's 
the rule of the institution.' 

' " I have had some werry distinguished passengers 
amongst the nobility and gentry in my time, and it was 
me that had the honour of driving the great Duke to St. 
Paul's, though I must say that State affair they called the 
funeral car was so uncommon heavy, it was as much as 
my hosses could do to move it. But, sir, would you 
believe it, though I drive so safely and so carefully, and 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 167 

never met with an accident in all my life, not one of my 
passengers ever turned and said as much as I thank you, 
Jemmy ?" 

* And he gave utterance to a long, protracted chuckle 
of self-satisfaction as if he was delighted with his joke, 
which I have no doubt he had repeated a thousand times. 
When he recovered his wind, he said, with a knowing 
look : 

1 " Now, that's what I calls ingratitude, sir." ' 

' So you see, Dupe, my good- fellow, gratitude is not to 
be expected from the living or the dead. The one utters 
profuse and unmeaning acknowledgments, and the other 
maintains a dignified silence.' 

' You are right/ says Dupe, ' quite right. I will put 
myself in your hands, and follow your advice implicitly. 
I shall bother him, as a certain widow did an unjust judge, 
till he gives me what I ask, to get rid of me. So let us 
change the subject. 

'What an odd fellow your friend Jemmy Dawkins 
must be. I wish you would show me his establishment 
to-morrow.' ' With great pleasure,' replied his friend, 
' and I can assure you that both he and his stables are 
well worth seeing, for Jemmy is quite a character. When 
Jemmy,' he continued, ' had finished the conversation I 
have just repeated, I observed that the burial of the dead 
was too serious asubject to talk upon with such levity.' 

' " Well," said he, " I used to think so too, master ; 
but Lor' bless you, sir, when I come to see into matters, 
and to understand all I heerd and see'd, I come to the 
conclusion, sir (though it ain't for me to say so), that there 
is an awful sight of hypocrisy in all these outside shows 
and trappings of mourning. Half the time all this 
parade is made, not out of regard for the dead, but out of 
respect to public opinion, and from personal pride. 



168 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Whenever this is the case there is no money so much 
grudged as what is paid to me. They say it is so much 
thrown away, because custom lays the tax, and that it 
would be better to give the amount to the poor, though 
it's precious little the poor would ever see of it, if funeral 
expenses was done away with to-morrow. Housumdever, 
a good deal of the mourning you see comes from the 
heart, for a great many have to feel the loss of a home 
and an income, and that they do grieve for, though the 
dead get the credit of it ; and some cover bright eyes with 
crape, and conceal the beating of a joyful heart with 
broad cloth, for they are to get both the home and the 
fortune. The real mourners, sir, are the poor. They 
are all in all to each other ; the outer world is chilly, and 
drives them into a narrow circle, where they cheer, and 
comfort, and defend each other. They have a common 
lot, and a joint-stock of affection. Where there are so 
few to love each other, a break in that little circle is a 
loss that ain't repaired easy ; all they have to leave their 
survivors is their blessing — " their inheritance is not here," 
as Mr. Spurgeon says. They have nothing for affection 
to spread itself out on — it is concentrated in themselves, 
and is human love and animal instinct combined. I have 
witnessed such outpourings of grief among these people as 
would astonish you. Gentlefolks have so many friends, 
relations, acquaintances, indulgences, amusements, and 
what not of interest, that their grief is neither so strong 
nor so lasting. It is like dew that falls at night — it 
wanishes in the morning. 

( " Dear me ! I shall never forget the way Parson 
Giles' son, Frank, frightened the people some years agone 
on the road from Uxbridge to London. I took his 
reverence down there with my best four-in-hand, and 
Ralph Carter drove another team of fours. After the 









BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 169 

funeral of the old gentleman was all over, ' Jemmy,' 
said Master Frank, ' I can't bear to go to the house to- 
day ; .my heart is broke ; it's a dreadful loss to me is the 
old governor.' 

' " I feels for you," said I, " but it's a consolation to 
know he was beloved by all the country far and wide, both 
rich and poor." 

* " Yes, indeed," said Master Frank, " he was very 
indulgent to me ; and nobody will miss him as much as I 
shall. I shall never handle the ribbons again any more, 
I suppose ; for all he had he has left to the old lady and 
my sisters, and I can't afford hosses now ; but change 
places with me, that's a good fellow, and let me handle 
the reins once more for the last time." So I gives up my 
seat, and takes his, when he begins to feel the cattle, and 
put them on their mettle. It excited him so he looked 
like another man. " Clever hosses, them leaders," says 
he, " look as if they bad some go in 'em." " I believe 
they have," said I ; " them two mares on the lead, Sin 
and Sorrow I calls em, are most too high strung for this 
work ; they require a steady hand, and careful driving." 
The words were scarcely out of my mouth before smack 
went the whip, and off started the hosses like wink ! The 
way they flew, with the plumes waving up and down, and 
the manner folks stared, was something uncommon. 
Whenever we came to a crowd of people he pretended to 
lean back, and braced himself up, as if they were running 
away with him ; and the moment we passed them he gave 
the hosses their heads again, cracked his whip, and 
started afresh, singing out, " Go it, my beauties ! That's 
the ticket, Jemmy ! How the people stare, don't they ? 
Tell them the governor has come to, and we are going for 
the doctor. What fun, ain't it ? ' Well, it took me so 
by surprise, I almost forgot the ondecency of the thing 



170 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

in the excitement of it. I couldn't believe my eyes or my 
ears. At last I began to consider it might be a serious 
injury to me in my business, for people might think we 
was drunk. So I had to interfere and put a stop to this 
mad frolic : says I, " Master Frank, this won't do ; it 
will injure my hosses, and ruin me :" and I took the reins 
from him, and mounted again into my own seat. " Ah, 
Jemmy," said he, with tears in his eyes, for he had 
relapsed again into grief, and remembered his poor 
father's funeral, "this is the last four-in-hand drive I 
shall ever have." " I wouldn't swear to that," says I, half 
joking and half in earnest (for I felt sorry for the poor 
boy), " unless you puts on the drag, and gets out of the 
fast line." Two years afterwards we drove down the 
same road together ; and it was the saddest, most sorrow- 
fullest, and distressingest journey I ever made, for Master 
Frank was an inside passenger I 

'"As I used to say to him, sir, it's the pace that kills 
both hosses and men — it ain't the work. Fast animals and 
fast people can't keep it up long ; there must be a break- 
down in the natur of things at last. ' Jemmy,' he'd answer, 
* when I have sowed my wild oats, I'll haul up, and be 
as steady as a bishop.' 'Ah Master Frank,' says I, c it's 
the old story. I have heard young folks often and often 
talk of wild oats ; but if you sow 'em year after year on 
the same soil, without a fallow or a green crop, you'll 
soon come to what father used to call the caput mortuum. 
I have travelled the road to the grave, Master Frank, so 
often, I knows every inch of it. I knows what people die 
of as well as the crowner and his jury, or dissecting 
doctors and hospital surgeons do ; and mind what I say, 
wild oats is an exhausting, killing crop — the last sowing 
is the only one that ripens seed, and that seed is Death, 
and the black job. 9 " 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS, 171 

' " Why, Jemmy," said I, " you are quite a moralist. 
I should have thought that your very occupation would have 
so familiarized you with death, that your feelings would in 
time have become blunted." "Well, sir," he replied, " to 
a certain extent they do ; but a thing that is ever before 
your eyes, can't but occupy your thoughts a good deal 
sometimes, especially when you ain't well — I feel kind of 
narvous now and agin, and dream at night of the ' Black- 
jobs ' of the day, particularly when I don't get home till 
late, and sup hearty on beef steaks, and stout. 

I had a wision last week, I shan't easily forget. I 
dreamed I was dead, and that I was laid out ready for my 
last drive, and yet it seemed to me as if I knew all as was 
passing in the room, and heard what they was a saying. 
Death is a sad thing, sir, even when you are accustomed to 
see it, but it is awful to feel. It is so cold, the heart slowly 
gives up beating, and the blood don't sarkelate no more, 
but thickens little by little, till all stands still, and con- 
geals up solid. I'm thinking life remains there, strug- 
gling a good while after we seem dead to them that's 
looking on, at least so it appeared to me. Dreams, you 
know, are strange things, onpossible events happen, and 
you don't know at the time, that they can't be, in the 
natur of things, but you see them all, as if they was real. 
Well ! when Paton the undertaker, came to put me into 
the coffin, says I, ' Patie, my good friend, I am " not 
ready yet," don't screw me down now. Let me take my 
last cast, that's a good fellow, put the coffin into the 
hearse, but let me drive myself, let me see my cattle once 
more, take a last look at the road I have druv so often, 
and see the faces again, I have known so well. Dreadful 
sudden business this, Patie, I knew it must come in course, 
some day or another, but I didn't expect to be sent for so 
sudden, without so much as being asked, "Jemmy, are 

12 



172 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

you ready ?" I went to bed as well as you are, and here 
I am, a dead man. But, Patie, the spirit han't set out 
yet, and waits to see the " last job " done decently. Body, 
and Ghost, are both here.' In course he was dreadfully 
frightened to hear me speak so to him, but he called the 
servants, and they dressed me, took me down stairs, and 
lifted me on to the box, and the horses looked round, and 
trembled all over, and sweated as if they had come off a 
journey. Oh, Master Jack, I see it now all as plain as if it 
was real. There was my poor Missus a standin at the 
door, a sobbing and a crying of her heart out, and the 
last words I heard her say, was, 'Poor Jemmy was 
always a good man to me, and he was a kind friend to 
the poor, that he was.' Well, off walked the horses as 
usual, only (would you believe it, Sir ?) they hung their 
heads as if they never would look up again in this world, 
and there was the crowd at the corner as usual, only they 
all took off their hats to me, and said, ' There goes poor 
Jemmy, a driving of himself, how dreadful pale he looks,' 
and here and there, the women folk came to the doors, 
and then screamed and ran away, they was so frightened, 
and I was overcome too, and couldn't speak, and felt 
colder and colder, and my sight grew dimmer and dimmer, 
till the horses stopped, and the last black job was over. The 
pause was awful, oh sir, I heard the coffin drag heavy as 
they pulled it out, and their hands felt hot and burning, 
as they took me down to put me into it, and I struggled 

and fell and there I was on the floor of 

the bedroom, as I rolled from the bed in a fit, and the 
thought that it was a dream after all, and that I was still 
alive, did me more good than all the doctors and their 
bleeding put together. It's a warning though, Master 
Jack, against beefsteak suppers, and thinking too much of 
the good things of this life ; it makes me feel serious, sir, 



' 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 173 

I assure you ; and I often ask myself the question ' Jemmy, 
are you ready?' for the day must come, when that dream 
will all prove true, only you will be an insider, and some 
one else, will put on the weeds, mount the box, in your 
place, and manage the black job ." 

6 To change the topic, I said, " Jemmy, you talked just 
now of the white jobs — what did you mean by them ?" 
" Weddings," sir, he replied. " White is for marriages, 
and black for funerals. Of the two our line is the best, for 
we have our own customers, and in the end get theirs too. 
Everybody must die ; it's the law of nature ; but nobody 
need marry unless they please, and many of them that do 
like it can't get suited to their mind. It takes two to 
make a bargain, and it ain't every bid that's accepted. 
Indeed, sir, in this world, when people refuse a good offer, 
it's an even chance if they ever get another. That's the 
case in regard to hosses too — if you' refuse a good, price, 
it's a wonder to me if you don't regret it. Either some- 
thing happens to the animal, or he remains on hand for a 
long time, and then you have to sell him at a loss. Well, 
sir, the white jobs don't pay well. Weddings are short 
affairs, and uncommon punctual. They must come off 
before twelve o'clock, or it's no go, and there is no time 
to be lost. Funerals ain't tied down by law, so though 
the corpse is ready, the company never is. People expect 
to be kept waiting, and don't arrive till they think every- 
body else is come. Hearses and dead people are in no 
hurry ; one is paid for attendance, and the other has no 
voice in the matter. It's a long time before processions 
start, and when they do, they travel slow. New-married 
folks are off like wink, and drive as fast as poor Master 
Frank did ; and since railways have come into fashion, 
more nor one half of them only drive to a station, and take 
the train into the country. Paltry white favours, and small 



174 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

fees is all ' white jobs ' get. If charges are high,they are 
met by high words ; but it ain't decent to dispute our 
bills, whatever people may think of them. What, fight 
about burying your father when you get his fortin, or 
disposing of your wife when she leaves it open to you to 
marry again ? It's impossible. It ain't to be thought of 
for a moment. Indeed what is the loss of a few pounds, 
to the loss of such near and dear relations ? People can't 
think of money, when they are overwhelmed with grief. 
Rich and poor must come to us, but they need not go to 
the ' whites.' The quality, besides, prefer their own car- 
riages to hired ones, when they marry, and the poor ride 
in hacks, or walk quietly home from church ; but the 
rich keep no hearses, and the poor, when they die, cannot 
walk, so both on 'em require us. Panics, and bad times, 
and broken banks, don't affect the ■ black jobs.' When 
our bills are discharged, people may be ai d, Master 
Jack, to have paid the last debt of nature. In other 
respects there ain't as much difference as you would sup- 
pose. I have seen as much crying at weddings, as at 
funerals. Some marry for rank and some for money ; 
some to please parents, and some to please themselves ; 
and the last, generally displease everybody else. To my 
mind, weddings ain't the j oiliest things in the world to the 
parties concerned, and they ain't always satisfactory to 
the job-masters. Nobody ever thinks of looking at their 
hosses, but all eyes are strained to look at the bride. 
Now, nobody ever sees our passenger ; it's the hosses and 
the hearses that makes the show, and any man that is 
proud of his cattle and turn-out, can't help feeling pleased 
when he hears his admired. On the whole I prefers 
Black Jobs to White favours." ' 

During the latter part of this conversation, several 
people came into the room, and talked together on various 






BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 175 

subjects — some relative to the business or news of the 
day, and others on general topics. One of them, an old 
Indian officer, recognised among the company a fellow- 
passenger from Calcutta. * Ah, Colonel !' he said, * how 
are you ? How have you been disposing of yourself to- 
day ?' ' The weather, Beatson,' he replied, ' has nearly 
disposed of me. I never felt the heat so oppressive in the 
East as it now is in London. There the air is dry, but 
here it is damp, and respiration is very difficult. By way 
of keeping myself cool, I must needs go into a crowded 
place, to hear the cause of Mrs. Swinfen versus Lord 
Chelmsford. It is many years since I was in an English 
court, and the venerable -judicial robes, the antiquated 
wigs, and the unvaried forms, reminded me so vividly of 
former days, when these paraphernalia of justice used to 
impress my youthful mind with awe, that the wheel of 
time appeared to have stood still, while all else around 
was changed or moulded into new shapes. If the laws 
are unlike those of the Medes and Persians, the forms 
appear to be unaltered and unalterable. For a moment 
I seemed to forget that I had ever been out of the 
country. Among the lawyers, there was the same mixture 
of seniors and juniors as of old ; and the same intelligence, 
acuteness, and humour in the countenances of all. I felt 
as if I had suddenly awakened from a long and fitful 
sleep, and as if all I had seen, and heard, and done, 
since I was in that place, was like the the " baseless fabric 
of a vision." I assure you, the sensation 1 then experi- 
enced, was the most extraordinary I ever felt in my life. 
The feeling, however, was a transient one, and I looked 
around me with much interest in what was going on. I 
must say I like lawyers, especially that class denominated 
barristers. In my opinion, they are the pleasantest people 
going. They are remarkably well-informed, full of anec- 



176 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

dote, and up to the time of day. They possess in an 
eminent degree that sixth sense, tact ; indeed, it may be 
called a professional attribute.' 

' What was the trial about ?' said Beatson, ' for I have 
suffered so much by the delays and chicanery of law, that 
I never read a trial, unless it is a divorce case. There 
never was a marriage yet, that there was not a conceal- 
ment of some important fact, by one or other of the con- 
tracting parties. Things that begin in fraud, are apt to end 
in fight. We read of love in poetry, and in novels, but do 
you believe there is such a thing as pure, unalloyed love ? 
for I don't. If there ever was such an aqua-vitce, it must 
have been poured into a filtering machine, for when you 
go to look at it, you find nothing but dregs.' * Why,' 
said the colonel, laughing, ' I suppose you read divorce 
causes on the principle some lawyers search reports ; they 
first give the opinion the client wants, and then look up 
precedents to support it.' ' Was his lordship's name 
Swinfen ?' asked Beatson. i A divorce case, I suppose ;' 
and rubbing his hands, said, ' come tell us all about it.' 

6 Not so fast, if you please, his name was Thesiger.' ' A 
breach of promise, then I suppose ; love and fraud, the 
old story — liked her looks at first, then applied the magni- 
fying glass, and converted " moles " into mountains, or 
the fortune disappointed him, or he saw some other victim 
he liked better/ 

* No, nor breach of promise either, for he is a married 
man.' 

1 Oh, I have it — it was the lovely and accomplished 
daughter ; — made love to her — offered the cup of flattery 
full to the brim : she was fool enough to believe him, and 
she drained it to its dregs ; threw herself into his arms, 
and he ran off with her, — no, that's not the phrase, she 
eloped with him. It was all regular and romantic, — 






BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 177, 

post-chaise and four, — devoted lovers, — got tired of her 
and left her to die of a broken heart, and the old lady 
brought a '' per quod " for damages. 

' I don't know what you mean by " quod." When we 
used to send a fellow in the regiment to the black hole, 
we used to call it " sending him to quod/' ' 

4 If you mean false imprisonment, it was nothing of the 
kind.' 

< What do you call " quod ?" ' 

' Why, a " per quod " is one- of those numerous fictions 
that law is made up of : it supposes a daughter to be a 
servant, and gives an action to the parent for abduction, per 
quod, that is, by which means the aforesaid, and before- 
mentioned, above-named parent, mother, employer, mis- 
tress, and fifty other words that mean the same thing, lost 
the work, labour, assistance, and services of the young 
lady, so metamorphosed into a servant. All this is 
written out into an infernal long paper, called a " brief," 
as a legal joke. So now you know what a " per quod " 
is.' 

' But what under the sun was it about ? for you say a 
certain Mrs. Swinfen was concerned in it ; now, if he has 
had anything to do with a woman, legally or illegally, 
equitably or iniquitably, at law or in chancery, as 
plaintiff or defendant, as principal or agent, any how or 
any way that it can be described or twisted by lawyers, 
and she has turned on him, and fought and scratched 
him — all I can say is, it sarves him right. A woman, 
and a lawyer, what a set-to, eh ? how they would give 
lip, and make the fur fly between them, wouldn't they ? 
Come, tell us all about the injured lady, and her legal 
adviser.' 

' Well, I will tell you,' said the Colonel, ' as briefly as 
I can : — Mrs. Swinfen claimed an estate worth £50,000, 

13 



178 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

under a will, and the question was, whether the testator 
was " of sound disposing mind and memory," as it is called, 
when he executed this will : if he was, then Madame 
would have it, if not, it would go to the heir-at-law. 
Well, Thesiger (afterwards Lord Chancellor), was Mrs. 
Swinfen's lawyer ; the cause came on to be tried, and he 
saw it was going against her, so he compromised the suit 
for an annuity of £1,000 a-year, and the payment of 
the costs by the other side ; and a very judicious arrange- 
ment it appeared, but she refused her consent, and re- 
pudiated his act. Well, the trial was brought on again, 
and by one of those chances that do sometimes occur, she 
gained it, and has got possession of the estate. Now 
she has brought an action against Thesiger, for the loss 
she has sustained, by what she calls " exceeding his 
authority" in settling the suit — do you understand?' . 

' Perfectly.' 

' The cause came on for trial to-day, and she lost it, 
and it was that trial I went to hear.' 

* How did she lose it ?' 

' Why, the gun was overcharged, burst, and damaged 
the man that fired it off. Her lawyer implicated the 
judge, Cresswell, who tried the action that was com- 
promised, and charged him and Thesiger with combining 
together to do her out of the estate ; talked of thimble- 
riggers, and used some words implying corruption, op- 
pression, and so on. The jury at once found for The- 
siger. Now it appears to me, I could have gained that 
cause for Mrs. Swinfen.' 

' Well, what would you have done ?' 

c Why, in the first place I would have omitted the 
judge altogether, who had as little to do with it as I had ; 
and instead of abusing Lord Chelmsford, I would have 
extolled him to the skies. I should have told the jury I 






BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 179 

was happy to say I had no charge to make against my 
learned friend, who was not only one of the ablest lawyers 
at the bar, and one of the best judges that ever graced 
the woolsack, as well as one of the most upright and 
agreeable men in the profession ; but that I thought, 
with all due deference, that he had misconceived, in that 
particular instance, the powers and authority of counsel 
in settling a cause, not only without the consent, but 
against the wishes of his client. That, however, was a 
question for the court, and they would only have to assess 
the damages, which would await and follow the decision 
of the bench, on the law. Such a course would have 
insured me a verdict beyond a doubt. Now, I should 
like Mrs. Swinfen to act on her own lawyer's opinion as 
to the liability of a counsel, and sue him for losing her 
cause, by mismanaging it, which in my humble opinion 
he most undoubtedly did. There would be some fun in 
that ; wouldn't there, Beatson ?' 

' Yes, indeed, there would,' he replied. ' But, Colonel, 
it's a pity you hadn't been bred to the law ; you would 
have made your fortune at it ; you have a knack of 
putting things briefly and plainly, which very few lawyers 
have.' After musing awhile thoughtfully, he repeated 
the name ' Thesiger,' * Thesiger,' very slowly, and re- 
marked, ' That name is very familiar to me. I recollect 
when I was in the navy (for I entered that service first), 
there was a midshipman in our frigate of that name, and 
a rollicking, jolly, good-hearted, young fellow he was, 
too ; I wonder what has become of him, for I lost sight 
of him after I went into the army, and have never heard 
of him since.' * Lord bless you,' said the Colonel, ' the 
Lord Chancellor is the same man.' 

' What, little Thesiger Lord Chancellor !.' said the 
other, springing to his feet, with great animation. ' You 



180 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

don't say so ? Climbing aloft came easy to him, it 
seems ; and so now he is on the tmcklehead, and got a 
Chancellor's wig on, eh ? Well, I am right glad to hear 
it. Dear me,' he continued, resuming his seat, i it seems 
to me only the other day he was skylarking in the cock- 
pit, and up to all sorts of pranks and deviltry. I recollect 
we once took a Spanish prize, loaded with cigars, snuff, 
and all sorts of raw and manufactured tobacco. Of 
course, we youngsters helped ourselves most liberally. 
The snuff was in bladders of the size of foot-balls ; but as 
none of us used that, we amused ourselves by shying it 
about at each other. The captain's clerk, who messed 
with us, was a sneaking sort of fellow, and used to curry 
favour with him, by reporting what was going on in the 
cockpit. So, in order to punish him, one night Thesiger 
and I took one of these bladders, cut it open, and spread 
its contents gently all over his hammock. When he came 
below, and turned in, as usual, with a spring (for he was 
as active as a cat), he sent up a cloud of snuff that set 
him coughing, crying, sneezing, and swearing like mad ; 
but the worst of it was, it nearly choked the whole of us 
middies, upon whom it had the same effect ; and when 
the officer came below, to inquire into the cause of the 
row, he tchee-hee'd and tchee-hee'd as bad as any of us ; 
and as soon as he opened his mouth to speak, down went 
the snuff into his throat, and nearly suffocated him with 
coughing. He could do nothing but swear, stamp his 
feet, and shake his fist at us. There was a precious row, 
as you may suppose ; but the best fun of all was to see 
the young sucking lawyer threatening to report the clerk 
for trying to stifle us all like rats, by attempting to 
conceal the snuff in his hammock. Dear me, how I should 
like to see him again ! Oh, Colonel, those were happy 
days we passed afloat. I always regret having left the 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 181 

navy. I was fond of the sea, and for years after I 
quitted the service, used to sleep in a cot, that the swing- 
ing motion might remind me of the rolling of the dear 
old ship, and rock me to sleep, while thinking of old times 
and of old companions. Thesiger Lord Chancellor ! 
Eh ? Well it's better than being laid up as an old hulk 
of an admiral at Greenwich, ain't it ? or turned out to 
grass, like a worn-out cavalry horse, as I am. Gome, 
pass the whisky, and I'll drink his health in some good 
toddy. Many's the glass of -grog we've had together, 
when we were midshipmen. But, bless my soul, how hot 
it is here. As you say, I never felt the heat in the East, 
as I do now, and I never suffered so much as I have 
to-day, even in the West Indies (which I think the 
hotter of the two), but once in my life, and that was at 
Barbadoes. In the year IS 19, the, 4th, 5th, 9th, and 
21st Regiments went out to the West Indies. I was in 
the 21st, and we were stationed at Barbadoes. It was a 
Fusilier Regiment, the officers all wore double epaulettes, 
and were literally covered with gold lace. It was a crack 
corps, a thousand strong, and we had as much attention 
paid to us as if we were Guardsmen. To add to our 
attractions, the officers, with one exception, were single 
men. It was what Lord Combermere, the Commander- 
in-Chief, wanted for the purpose of display, so he kept us 
with him at head-quarters, at Barbadoes, and the other 
regiments were distributed among the islands. We 
arrived early in the morning, and as soon as possible, dis- 
embarked and marched to our barrack. The colonel, as 
a matter of course, immediately proceeded to Government 
House, and made his report, when, to his astonishment, 
his lordship, who was a disciplinarian of the old school, 
though otherwise a good sort of man, forgetting that we 
had but just landed from a long voyage, and had not even 



182 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

begun to unpack, and establish ourselves in our quarters, 
informed him that he would receive the officers at Govern- 
ment House at two o'clock that same afternoon ! You may 
easily concei ve the consternation we were in ; it was with the 
greatest difficulty we could get at our baggage and equip 
ourselves full fig in our regimentals in time. But it was an 
order, and we were soldiers, and bound to obey the 
commands of our superior officers, and by dint of scolding, 
fretting, working, and sweating, we accomplished it at 
last ; after which we had to walk under the broiling sun 
of that tropical climate, one interminable long mile to 
Bridgetown, cased in our heavy toggery (the gold lace of 
which nearly put our eyes out), our heads pilloried in the 
regulation stock, our feet adhering to the parched leather 
of our boots, and our swords actually singeing our hands. 
I never had such a march in my life. It was enough to 
have killed us all, and it did lay many of us up for a long 
time — in fact, it is a wonder it did not send half of us 
into hospital. In those days, and indeed until very lately, 
commanding officers seemed to be ignorant that there was 
any other climate in the world than that of England ; and 
when we were sent abroad, we were clad in the same 
manner in the West Indies as in Canada. Is it any 
wonder that the mortality in our army is so great ? We 
live by order, and die by order. What astonished us 
more than all was, that an old campaigner like Lord 
Combermere, a man who had seen so much service, and 
had more experience than most men, should have so 
pertinaciously adhered to routine. The levee, like every- 
thing else in this world, came to an end at last, but the 
retreat was worse than the advance, for the heat became 
utterly insupportable by three o'clock. You would have 
laughed to have seen the extraordinary figures we made 
on our return to quarters ; coats were unbuttoned, stocks 



I 






BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 183 

discarded, and sashes thrown loose over the shoulders. 
When we reached our barracks, we were more dead than 
alive ; sangaree, lemonade, tamarind water, and the fatal 
punch, were called for on all sides, and vanished as 
quickly as a pool before a drove of camels. I had just 
emerged from my bath, and was lying exhausted on 
my bed, when I heard shouts of laughter, and the 
shuffling of many feet, in the next room, and a dead, 
heavy, irregular blow on the floor, that shook the very 
doors and windows of the fragile house. Far above the 
din sounded the well-known Scotch accents of poor 
Macpherson, who was raving like a madman, and, as far 
as I could judge, was hopping about on one leg. 
" Halloo," said I, to a brother officer who was passing my 
door, " what's all that row about ?" " Only Mac," he 
said, " making a few ' cursory remarks ' on our grand 
tour to Government House ; his feet have so swelled, and 
the leather so contracted with the heat, he can't get his 
boots off. He has four men tugging at them, and every 
now and then he jumps up in a rage, and stamps and 
roars like a bull." " Go and cut them off," I said, "he 
must not commence life in this country with an inflam- 
mation, or he will soon end it with yellow jack." 

' Poor Mac ! he died soon afterwards, adding another 
unit to the thousands of noble fellows who have fallen 
victims in that fatal climate to regulation clothing. He 
was a great favourite in the regiment, respected for his 
bravery, and endeared to all by his kindness of heart, and 
inexhaustible fund of humour. His origin was humble, 
being the son of a small tenant farmer on the banks of 
the Tay. One night, after having indulged rather too 
freely (for he was a most imprudent fellow), he said to 
me, " Beaty, I hope I shall survive this climate, and live 
to return to Perthshire. I have a mission, and I shan't 



184 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

die happy if I don't accomplish it." " And what is that ?" 
I said. " You recollect my poor brother, John, don't yon, 
who fell at Waterloo ?" " Perfectly ; I helped to carry 
him to the rear myself. I suppose you want to erect a 
monument to him/' " No, sir," he said, " with his eyes 
glaring like those of a tiger, " but to pull one down, and 
to horsewhip the man that set it up, within an inch of his 
life." 

* " Mac, Mac," I said, " pray don't excite yourself that 
way. If you imbibe as freely as you have lately done, 
and suffer your passion to get the better of you, depend 
upon it, you will never live to fulfil your ' mission,' as you 
call it." "Well, well," he replied, "for poor dear John's 
sake, I will keep myself cool. We are poor, but that is 
our misfortune, and not our fault. It is nothing to be 
ashamed of at any rate, especially by those who have as 
good a pedigree as any family in Scotland. But if we 
are poor, we are proud, Beaty ; and no man living shall 
ever hold us up to the ridicule of e^ery idle southerner 
who can beg, borrow, or steal a rod, to come and fish in 
the Tay." 

4 " Why, who has been doing that ?" 

' " Colin Campbell, the parish schoolmaster, he is the 
scoundrel who did it." 

' " In what way ?" 

' " Why, my father put up a monument to my brother, 
and he got Colin Campbell to write the epitaph, which he 
did, and had it cut on the stone, and there it stands to 
this day, the laughing-stock of the whole country — 

4 John Macpherson was a very remarkable person ; 
He stood six feet two without his shoe, 
And he was slew at Waterloo.' 

'"Well," I said, "the versification is certainly not 
very elegant, though the epitaph is by no means devoid of 



BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 185 

truth. But if you will promise me to take better care of 
yourself, I will write you one more worthy of the occasion, 
and more befitting so distinguished a member of the 
Macpherson clan, as your brother. You can then ob- 
literate the present doggerel, and substitute mine for it. 
Now, good night, don't drink any more, and go to bed." ' 
The last words of Beatson coincided with the last puff 
of my cigar, and both reminded me that it was also time 
for me to retire, and make an entry in my journal, of 
4 Black jobs and White favours.'- 



( 186 ) 



No. VII. 

A GALLIMAUFRY. 






Gentle reader, I know what you will say when you see 
the title of this article. You will exclaim, ' Good 
gracious ! what is a Gallimaufry ? I never heard the 
word .before — what does it mean T It is not probable 
you ever met with it ; but I have often heard it in the 
rural districts of Warwickshire and other midland coun- 
ties when I was younger than I am now, and it still 
lingers there. It means a stew of various kinds of edibles, 
fish, flesh, fowl, and vegetables ; and when well made, 
and properly seasoned, let me tell you, it is by no means 
an unsavoury dish. The gipsies compound it to this day 
like all their hashes (of which they are extremely fond), 
in a way to tempt any man whose appetite has not been 
vitiated by French cooks, who pamper and provoke a 
delicate or diseased stomach, but do not know how to 
satisfy the cravings of a hungry man, or give him a hearty 
meal. They are not substantial fellows like Englishmen, 
and their fare is like themselves, all puff, froth, and 
souffle. The Gallimaufry at once tempts and satisfies. 
Hunters of all countries have, by common consent, adopted 
the same process of cooking ; and a similar dish is found 
in Spain, as olla podrida ; and among the North American 
Indians, as Wiampanoo. I have selected it as a word 
that describes this portion of my journal, which includes a 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 187 

variety of topics and anecdotes, some substantial like solid 
meat, some savoury as spicy vegetable ingredients, and 
some fragments to swell the bulk, which, though not 
valuable as materials, help to compound the Gallimaufry. 
For instance, my journal begins from the time I leave my 
bed, and it terminates at Southampton, the intermediate 
space being filled with a narrative of all I have heard 
or seen, or said or done. It is, therefore, made up 
of odds and ends : such as it is, I now transcribe it for 
you. May it justify its title. 

Travellers are generally early risers. In many coun- 
tries it is absolutely necessary to be up long before sun- 
rise, in order to finish a journey ere the heat of the day 
becomes insupportable. In towns, and on shipboard, this 
habit is rendered inconvenient either by the dusters and 
brooms of housemaids, or the holy stones and swabs of 
sailors ; but wherever practicable, it is a most healthy as 
well as agreeable custom. Indeed, I have heard it 
asserted of those who have attained to great longevity, 
that nine out of ten of them have been distinguished as 
' peep-o'-day boys.' Poor Richard has given us his ex- 
perience in rhyme, to impress it more easily on the 
memory : 

'Early to bed and early to rise, 
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.' 

I cannot say that I have always strictly complied with the 
first part of the advice (which, to a certain extent, is 
rendered necessary by the latter), because the artificial 
state of society in which we live, interferes most incon- 
veniently with its observance ; but the early morning 
ought to be at our own disposal, and with the exception 
of the two impediments I have named, (which are by no 
means insurmountable,) it is our own fault, if we do not 
derive all the advantages resulting from it. 

Long before the doors and windows of the * British 



188 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Hotel ' were unfastened, I sought the night-porter, and 
was released from durance vile, into the fresh open air. I 
strolled over to Trafalgar-square, where I was shortly 
afterwards joined by Gary. It was a glorious morning ; 
there had been a thunderstorm during the night, accom- 
panied by vivid lightning and torrents of rain ; but this 
had passed away, and the air was cool and bracing, almost 
cold, while the sky was clear and unclouded, and day 
was fast dawning on the drowsy town. A few carts laden 
with garden stuff, were wending their way to their respec- 
tive markets, though Cockspur-street is not their general 
thoroughfare ; and here and there an early traveller was 
proceeding in his overloaded cab, to a station or a dock, 
about to rejoin his family, or perhaps to leave them for 
ever. A tired policeman paused and looked at him, more 
from having little else to divert his attention, than from 
any doubt as to the honesty of his purpose, and then he 
slowly resumed his weary beat, and for want of somebody 
to push on, tried to push a door or two in to ascertain 
whether it was fastened. A little farther on, he paused, 
and as he looked up at the sky, coughed heavily, when a co- 
quettish cap hastily appeared at a window in the attics, and 
as rapidly withdrew : and in a few minutes more the same 
head was seen bending over the area-gate, which opened, 
and admitted the watchman of the night. What a safe- 
guard a policeman is ! other people are let in clandestinely 
to do wrong, but he is quietly introduced to detect the 
evildoer. No doubt he had seen a suspicious character in 
that house, and anxious to do his duty, proceeded to ex- 
amine the kitchen, the pantry, and the cellar, where, 
strange to say, things are oftener missed, than from any 
other part of a house. A detective instinctively goes 
straight to the spot where a robbery is likely to be com- 
mitted, and can tell at a glance whether there has been 
collusion between those within and without the building. 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 189 

It is necessary to try the contents of the decanters, and to 
taste the viands he sees, in order to ascertain the habits of 
the depredator, for, unlike medical men, they make their 
own stomachs the tests of the contents of bottles. The 
policeman I noticed, must have been disappointed in his 
search, for he returned without a prisoner, which was evi- 
dently a relief to the maid, who, after readjusting her cap, 
let him out with much good humour at the contemplation 
of her safety from robbers ; but entreated him, for the 
security of the family, always to have an eye on that house. 
A trusty servant and a vigilant policeman enable us to re- 
pose in peace : the one relies on the other, and we confide 
in both. Alas ! there were others who had not only no 
house to protect, but no home to shelter them. On the 
steps of the National Gallery, and the neighbouring church, 
were several poor wretches, principally females, extended 
in sleep that resembled death more than repose, and who, 
having been first drenched by the rain, sought refuge there 
from its pitiless pelting. Starvation and luxury, however, 
if not nearly allied, are close neighbours — the only dif 
ference is the side of the wall that separates their lodgings. 
Within, is all that wealth, station, and connexion can 
confer ; without, all that poverty, want, and degradation 
can inflict : and yet Providence holds the scale equally, 
and impartially, between the two. The inner wretch is 
tortured with gout from indolent and luxurious repose, 
and from faring too sumptuously every day ; the outer 
one with rheumatism, caused from sleeping on the cold 
stone steps of the rich man's house, and from exposure to 
all weathers. The one cannot digest his food, and is 
dying of dyspepsia ; the other has no food to ^digest, and 
perishes from starvation. Both are poor, the first from 
living too fast or too penuriously, and the other, not only 
from having nothing to hoard, but actually nothing to live 



190 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

upon ; and yet the houseless poor have sometimes the best 
of it. The rich have proud ambition or jealous rivalry, 
blighted prospects of courtly honours, or an uneasy con- 
sciousness of possessing no claim beyond their money to 
distinction. Nature has, perhaps, denied them heirs, and 
they hate their successors. The poor have no prospects to 
encourage hope, and often experience relief when they 
little expect it. They have nothing to leave but poverty 
and rags. It is sad to think that this dreadful destitu- 
tion, is too often the result of vice and dissolute habits. 
If temptation has been too strong and thus punished its 
victims, let the tempter look upon the ruin he has brought 
on others ; and ere it be too late, make all the amends he 
can, to society, for the contamination with which he has in- 
fected it, and to the wretched individuals themselves, 
whom he has first led astray, and then left to their mise- 
rable fate. 

An itinerant coffee-vender interrupted these reflections, 
by taking up his stand near us, and offering us a cup of 
his aromatic beverage, and a slice of bread and butter, 
4 all,' as he said, ' for only twopence.' I tasted it : it was 
certainly none of the best, but I have had worse at three 
times the price at a railway station, in one of their gor- 
geous refreshment rooms. It was, however, pronounced, 
excellent by a wretched group of the houseless beings, 
whose slumbers the policeman had ruthlessly disturbed, 
as he called them from dreams of food to the sad reality 
of actual starvation, and bade them go about their business. 
Never before did so small a sum as the few shillings I had 
in my pocket produce so much immediate relief. How 
heavily those words, 'go about your business,' fell upon 
my heart! Alas, their business of life was well-nigh 
over ; death had set his seal upon most of them, and 
marked them for his own. Meanwhile the day was ad- 






A GALLIMAUFRY. 191 

vancmg with hasty strides. The tide of foot-passengers 
was rapidly increasing and flowing eastward ; the sound 
of many wheels was swelling into a continuous rumble, 
like distant thunder ; and the city, like a huge monster, 
was shaking off its slumber, and preparing for its daily 
toils. The sun shone out brightly, and the homeless 
poor, I have mentioned, vanished from view like spectres 
of night, and were seen no more. All was hurry-scurry, 
but without confusion ; each one was intent on his own 
affairs, and only regarded others to avoid contact As 
we were about returning to the hotel, Cary said, ' How 
coolly you and your new acquaintances took the storm in 
the early part of last night. It was very violent while it 
lasted : it was one continued illumination of lightning, 
and the thunder was awful. Like everything else in this 
country, there was a truly British earnestness about it. 
England is so thickly peopled, I shouldn't be much sur- 
prised if we heard of some sad accidents having occurred. 
After I left the smoking-room last night, I encountered a 
lady and her maid at the first landing, both of whom were 
in a dreadful state of alarm, the former entreating that 
her crinoline might be taken off, and the latter afraid to 
touch it, having known, as she said, a man to be killed in 
consequence of carrying a scythe on his shoulders, which 
attracted the lightning. Each flash was followed by a 
scream, and one peal of thunder was so heavy that it ap- 
peared to shake the house to its very foundation. Their terror 
rendered them speechless for a minute or two, when I heard 
the lady mutter in great agitation and agony, the words, 
" ' So especially for both Houses of Parliament, under our 
most religious and most gracious Queen at this time assem- 
bled ' Oh, dear ! that was very vivid ! I am sure it 

has affected my eyes ' ordered and settled by their 

endeavours on the best and surest foundations/ Oh, that 



192 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

bolt must have struck the house- 
The maid, with equal incoherency, imitating her mistress, 
repeated the first words her memory supplied her 
with — 

' " How doth the little busy bee improve each shining hour, 
And gather honey all the day from every opening flower." ' 

Poor things, it was evident what their object was, but 
equally so that they were unconscious of the application of 
the words they were uttering. " Oh, sir," said the lady, 
when she perceived me, " how dreadful this is ! I am 
always so alarmed at thunder, that I lose all self-posses- 
sion. Do you think there is any danger ?" " Not the 
least in the world," I answered ; " nobody was ever killed 
by lightning yet." " I have known many, many," she 
said, with the greatest earnestness. "They died of 
fright," I replied, "it is fear, and not lightning that kills, 
— so it is in drowning— you have heard of people being 
restored to animation, after being submerged for three- 
quarters of an hour, and others who have expired in a few 
minutes ; the latter have invariably died from fright, which 
has caused apoplexy ; their faces always exhibit marks of 
extravasated blood." " Oh, dear," she said, "I wish I 
could be assured of that ; but trees, you know, are not 
afraid, and yet they are often struck, split, torn to pieces, 
and set on fire- Oh, that clap is nearer still — the light- 
ning and thunder came together simultaneously that 
time;" and then clasping her hands, she resumed, 
"'peace and happiness, truth and justice, religion 

and ' " " Calm yourself, madam, I beseech you," I 

said, "there is no danger but in fear — this is my 
sitting-room, pray be seated, and allow me to offer 
you a smelling-bottle. Don't be alarmed ; as for 
trees, you know, they have vegetable, and not animal 
life, which makes all the difference in the world." 



A GALLIMAUFRY. '193 



"Well, I never thought of that before," she replied, " I 
see it all now. It is, I know, very foolish to be so 
nervous, and for the future I will think of what you are 
so good as to say, and endeavour to be calm and collected." 
In a few minutes more the storm passed away, and we 
separated, with mutual good wishes, to our respective 
rooms.' * You didn't mean what you suggested, did you V 
I inquired. ' Of course not : it was all I could think of 
at the time to allay her fears. In my opinion it was a very 
justifiable piece of deception, -it could not possibly do 
any harm, and, as you see, it did good by calming 
her anxiety and fright. It is what we conventionally 
call " a lohite lie" as we desire our servants to say " not 
at home," when we do not find it convenient to see 
our friends.' 'Well,' I replied, ' I do not know that de- 
ception is ever justifiable — truth, in my opinion, is always 
to be preferred. If we order our domestics to state 
what they know is not the fact, do we not induce them, 
by our example, to take the same liberty with us, 
and for their own convenience, tell us also what is not 
true ? We know that the custom is sanctioned by the 
usage of society, and means nothing more than we are 
not at home to visitors ; but servants are unsophisti- 
cated, and understand things literally. Would it not 
be better to copy the French in this matter ? They say, 
" Madame ne re^oit pas," or " Madame n'est pas visible ;" 
this is at once truthful, and conveys the information 
that is required.' ' Do you mean to lay it down as 
imperative,' said Cary, ' that you must upon all occasions 
say exactly what you think ? If that is the case you had 
better think aloud, as old Lord Dudley used to do. Upon 
one occasion when he saw a young dandy approaching him, 
he exclaimed, " Oh, here comes that insufferable young 
puppy : I suppose I must ask him to dinner." To which the 

K 



194 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

other rejoined, " If this old bore asks me to dine, I suppose 
I shall have to accept the invitation." It is a well-known 
story, and I only allude to it as an apt illustration. What 
sort of a world would this be, if we all acted upon such a 
rule as you propose ? — why we should all beat loggerheads, 
one with the other, in no time.' ' No,' I replied, ' I mean 
no such thing ; we may think what we please, but we can't 
say whatever we choose ; my rule is this—" it is not 
always expedient to say what you think, but it is not ad- 
missible ever to say what you don't think." ' ' Well,' he 
observed, laughingly, in order to turn the conversation, 
' if I must say what I think, I am bound to state that I am of 
opinion it is time breakfast was ready, so let us cross over 
to the hotel.' As we entered the coffee-room, he spied an 
old acquaintance reading near the window the Times 
newspaper. c That,' he whispered, ' is General Case. His 
family consists of himself, his mother, and two daughters ; 
they are a queer lot. He is one of the best shots in Lin- 
colnshire, and can talk of nothing but field sports ; he is 
called " Gun Case," His eldest daughter, who is goggle- 
eyed, is known as " Stare Case," and the other, who is as 
ugly as sin, and sets up for a blue, bears the sobriquet 
of "Book Case." His mother, who is an enormous 
woman, and uncommonly cross, has been nicknamed 
'* Case us Belli." They are neighbours of mine, so I must 
go and speak to him, though it is not very pleasant to do 
so before strangers, he is so very deaf; but " what can't 
be cured must be endured," so here goes/ Cary accord- 
ingly went up to him, shook him by the hand, and inquired 
how Mrs. Case, his mother, was. As usual the general 
didn't hear him, but supposed he was talking of a poor 
woman who had been killed by lightning the previous 
evening. He said, with a very solemn face, ' she was 
in the streets very late last night, I hear, not very sober, 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 195 

and was drenched with rain. Just as she was making for 
the colonnade of the Opera-house for shelter, she was 
struck with lightning, and though her clothes were all 
wet ; they were set on fire, and she was killed and dread- 
fully burnt. The police ought to take better care of such 
people.' ' Ah,' said Cary, turning to me, ' ain't this too 
bad ; nobody in this house seems to understand what they 
are talking about. That lady I encountered last night 
didn't know what she said herself, and this man can't 
comprehend what anybody else says. Nothing is more 
disagreeable than to talk to a man who can't hear your 
conversation, and compels you to repeat it in a louder 
tone. It draws attention to you, and you can't help 
feeling, that you are rendering yourself ridiculous to the 
rest of the company, when shouting out at the top of your 
voice some commonplace observation, of which one-half of 
general conversation is composed. I recollect once a 
ludicrous instance of this at the table of the late Lord 
Northwick. He had this infirmity of deafness, so painful 
to oneself and so distressing to others. He recommended 
to the notice of a lady some sweet dish that was near 
him, when she replied, " Thank you, my lord, I have 
some pudding." Not apprehending her answer, he again 
and again, at short intervals, urged her to taste the dish, 
and received the same inaudible reply, when the lady's 
servant, a country lout, considered he ought to explain 
matters. He therefore approached Lord North wick's 
chair, and putting his mouth close to his lordship's ear, vo- 
ciferated with all his lungs, " My lord, missus says as 
shell stick to the pudding" The effect was electrical, but 
no one enjoyed the joke better than the deaf lord himself.' 
After breakfast we proceeded to the Waterloo termi- 
nus, to await the train for Southampton. ' There are few 
stations in England,' said Cary, 'so inconvenient, so crowded, 

K 2 



196 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

and so badly arranged as this of the South-Western. At 
times, and especially on an excursion day like this, it is al- 
most impossible to make your way through the complicated 
crowd of arriving and departing passengers. Here you 
stumble over luggage that obstructs the platform, there 
you run against some distracted female who has been se- 
parated from her party. Having recovered from the fail, 
and the collision, your shoulder is nearly dislocated by a 
trunk, carelessly carried on the back of a porter, or your 
foot is crushed by the iron wheel of a handbarrow. 
There are no means of getting across the interminable 
station, you must go round it. Having effected, with great 
fatigue, this long pedestrian journey, you are nearly 
squeezed to death by an impatient and selfish crowd, that 
assemble round a pigeon-hole, from whence tickets are 
issued. All tidal currents exhaust themselves at last, 
and having waited for your turn, just as you demand your 
"passport," the stagnant stream is flushed by a fresh flood 
of late comers, sweeping you from the port, into the 
estuary beyond, from whence you seek the eddy again, 
cross to the " custom house," and, if you are lucky, get 
your " clearance." No doubt the directors have very 
good reasons for not opening the narrow pane through 
which these documents are issued, till ten minutes before 
the departure of each train, among which, perhaps, the 
best is, that it is their sovereign will and pleasure. 
Railways were made for the emolument of chairmen, 
airectors, and engineers, and not for the advantage of 
stockholders, or the convenience of travellers. One line 
yields little or no dividend, while it pays its chairman 
some two or three thousand a year ; but he is a nobleman, 
and nothing can be done in this country without a peer. 
Snobs in rhe city are so narrow and contracted in their 
ideas, that if left to themselves, I have no doubt they 






A GALLIMAUFRY. 197 

would select a man of business to manage an extensive 
and complicated affair like an enormous trunk line, having 
countless branches, ramifications, and suckers (miscalled 
feeders). But what can you expect from people in 
trade, who have no ideas beyond " the main chance ?" 
Government acts on the same principle : the Duke of 
Somerset directs the Admiralty Board, whose business it 
is to build line-of-battle ships, and then razee them into 
heavy frigates, and afterwards cut them in two, lengthen 
them, and put in steam-engines. If the navy is very ex- 
pensive, see how much is done : you build a ship — that 
counts one ; you razee it — that makes two ; you convert it, 
and that counts for three ships. The John Gilpinites " of 
credit and renown/' in the city, say you have not three 
ships after all, but only one, which costs as much as three ; 
but what do they know about ships ? It's a pity shopkeepers 
won't stick to their own business, which they do understand, 
and not meddle with affairs of state, which are above 
their comprehension. Well, the Colonial Office has nothing 
to do, and a Duke is placed at the head of it, with heaps 
of under secretaries, head clerks, under scribes, and an im- 
mense staff to help him. Lord John Russell has radical- 
ized London to that degree that its citizens slap their 
breeches pockets, which are fall of sovereigns, and say 
" money is no object, as far as that goes, but don't pay 
people enormously for doing nothing, who to avoid the 
name of idleness, strive to bring something to pass, and 
always do it wrong. Let them play if you like, but don't 
let them play the devil." Lord Elgin, who put up the 
Canadian rebels, and put down the loyalists, is rewarded 
with the command of the Post-Office, a self-acting 
" traction carriage," with four wheels, representing the 
four quarters of the globe, of which he is the very ne- 
cessary and useful " fifth wheel." These cavillers say he 



198 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

is a mere ornamental appendage, for the working officials 
are so devoted to their duties, that a child of one of the 
responsible officers was recently born with the impression 
of a penny stamp upon its back. In short, the whole 
Whig Government professes liberal principles, and evinces 
its sincerity by filling every high office with dukes, earls, 
and aristocratic scions. We are a consistent people, and 
no mistake. Well, if the government of the country is 
all wrong, is it any wonder the management of our iron 
roads is not right ? If secretaries of state don't know 
their business, how can you expect secretaries of railways 
to be wiser or better than their superiors ? Dockyards 
cost twice as much as they are worth, why shouldn't our 
"great line." The public are taxed to support govern- 
ment, why should not holders of railway stock be taxed 
to support chairmen, directors, and engineers? The 
famed confusion of Balaclava is equalled, or at any rate 
rivalled at a great terminus like that of Waterloo. See 
what is going on now : the bell has rung, the time for 
departure has arrived, and passengers seek the train. 
But, alas ! the first carriage is full, and so are the others ; 
one by one they visit them all in rapid succession. The 
more sturdy and pertinacious travellers are quietly 
seated, and regard the anxiety of the outsiders with calm 
indifference ; while one perhaps, unworthy of a seat in the 
first class, chaffs them as they inquiringly look into the 
carriage, and says, " There is plenty of room here, if you 
could only find it !" The porters are so accustomed to 
this admirable arrangement, they cease to be surprised at 
anything that occurs. Finally, one solitary seat is found 
for the last "place-hunter," vacant, but not empty, appro- 
priated, but not engaged. It is filled with parcels, shawls, 
parasols, and cloaks. Two or three ladies, with looks of 
great dissatisfaction, and evident feelings of ill-usage, 






A GALLIMAUFRY. 199 

remove their general assortments, and the luckless 
traveller occupies his place with many humble apologies 
for the inconvenience he has occasioned them, but with an 
internal conviction, that if there had been more vacant 
seats, the ladies would have filled them all in a similar 
manner.' 

Fortunately for me, I had my ' Season Ticket,' and had 
the convenience of leisurely securing a seat, that gave me 
the command of the window, whence I had an opportunity 
of observing the accuracy of many of Cary's strictures on 
the inconvenience of the station, and the inadequacy of its 
arrangements to meet the requirements of such an ex- 
tensive line. These were palpable enough. The analogy, 
however, between the management of the affairs of a 
railway company and those of the government, though 
amusing, was not quite so obvious to me, who am no 
politician. I prefer listening to others to venturing 
opinions of my own — * semper auditor tantum.' 

The carriage was rapidly filled by seven other persons, 
four ladies and three gentlemen. The four first appeared 
to constitute a separate party, while the other three and 
myself were unknown to them or to each other. ' Good- 
bye, Shegog,' said Cary, shaking me by the hand, 4 1 shall 
expect to meet you to-morrow night again at the British 
Hotel.' * Shegog !' whispered one of the ladies in my 
carriage to her nearest companion, ' what a funny name ! 
I wonder if he is any relation of Gog and Magog T 
- Why,' said the other, ' he is a male, you see, otherwise 
I should think he was Gog's wife,' a sally which was 
repressed by a subdued hush from the elder lady, and 
followed by a general titter. It is not the first time my 
name has attracted inconvenient attention, so I am ac- 
customed to this sort of thing, and rather enjoy the jokes 
it gives rise to. Still, like ladies of a certain age, I 



200 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

am ready to change it for a fortune, and am open to an 
offer. Bright said the other night, in the House of 
Commons, that a gentleman he had never seen or heard 
of had left him a large sum of money on account of his 
advocacy of peace principles. I wish he would introduce 
me to such a friend, for I too am for ' peace at any price/ 
and I would condescend to accept his fortune, and adopt 
his name. 

No name, however, can escape from being turned into 
ridicule by adding to it a droll prefix. Lyon, whom I 
knew at college, a great coxcomb, was everywhere greeted, 
to his serious distress, as ' Dandy Lyon! No man was 
ever more annoyed than he was by this ridiculous joke, 
and great, was his relief when he inherited an estate, with 
the privilege of assuming the name of ' Winder. 9 Had 
he laid aside his absurd style of dress, it is possible he 
might thus have escaped the ridicule to which he had 
exposed himself; but his relentless companions merely 
altered his nickname, and he was ever afterwards known 
as ' Beau Winder. 9 I have always thought my parents 
did me great injustice, as they could not give me a 
fortune, they might at least have bequeathed to me ' a 
good name.' 

The first thing after adjusting and settling yourself in 
a carriage is to take a rapid reconnoitring glance at your 
fellow-travellers ; and I have observed that the survey is 
generally one of disappointment, judging from the manner 
in which people close their eyes and affect to sleep, or 
search for a paper or a book with which to occupy them- 
selves. The family party had all the talk to themselves ; 
one, whom the others addressed as s Aunty,' had, as 
appeared from her conversation, been a great traveller in 
her day, and, like most travellers, every incident she 
related had happened to herself, every anecdote referred 



■■ -:. Jt^ ■ -T - 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 201 

to parties whom she knew personally, and every witty 
speech was either addressed to her, or uttered in her 
presence. ' Didn't you find a great inconvenience, aunt,' 
inquired one of the younger ladies, ' in travelling in 
Russia and the north of Europe?' 'I never let little 
matters disturb me, my dear,' she replied ; ' if everything 
went smooth with you, life would be like a calm day on the 
water at Venice, a level glassy surface, sails flapping 
against the mast, your bark maintaining its monotonous 
roll, a burning sun, and a listless existence. We need 
excitement, my dear ; we require change, even if it be a 
gale, a thunder-storm, or a white squall. The delays, 
privations, discomforts, and even dangers of travelling, by 
the alternation with their opposites, render the remi- 
niscences of these things most charming. If we could go 
round the world on a railway like this, it would be the 
most insipid tour imaginable, too tame, too easy, and too 
unvaried. " I took my satisfaction with me" my dear, as 
poor old Sally Philips used to say, which, I believe, is 
the only true way to enjoy travelling, and most other 
things in this world. You remember old Sally, don't 
you? She lived in our village, near Chickweed Hall, 
and used to assist the gardener in weeding, sweeping the 
lawn, and such matters. Well, I once gave her an 
outing to London, and when she returned, I asked her 
how she liked it. " Well, ma'am," she replied, " I took 
my satisfaction with me. I always does, and in course I 
always returns home pleased. Oh ! it did me a power of 
good, too ; for I had been ailing for some time, and at 
last I was so bad, I was three days in bed with the 
doctor. Oh ! ma'am," she continued, " it was a grand 
sight every way was London ; I knowed it from all 
accounts before I went, and yet all I heard did not come 
up to the truth." Poor old Sally, she was an honest, 

k3 



202 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

faithful creature ; but when angry or excited, she made a 
strange jumble of her stories. I recollect her once 
coming to me in great haste, curtsying down to the 
ground, in spite of her agitation, and exclaiming, " Oh ! 
dear, ma'am, a most dreadful thing has happened to me, 
and, saving your presence, I will tell you all about it. 
When I came home from market this evening, I brought 
my head with me, as I generally do, when I find it is 
reasonable. Well, ma'am, my husband, you see, 
split my head for me." " Good gracious ! how dread- 
ful," I said. "Yes, indeed, ma'am, it was dread- 
ful, as you say, for he had washed it nicely after- 
wards, and taken my brains out, and put them altoge- 
ther into a bucket, and I had just left him for a minute, to 
go into the next room to straighten myself, when I heard 
an awful smash. ' Ruth,' says I, to my daughter, ' as 
sure as the world, there's my head gone, brains and all.' 
So I rushes back to the kitchen just in time to see Mrs. 
Davies's unlucky dog run off with my beautiful head 
in his mouth, and all my brains on the floor. The 
moment I saw him I screamed out, ' Drop my head, you 
nasty brute ;' but no, off he runs with it in his mouth, 
and never stops till he gets under Mrs. Davies's hay- 
stack, and begins to gnaw at it. So on I goes to Widow 
Da vies, and says I, ' Mrs. Davies, your dog has made 
away with my beautiful head and spilt all my brains.' 
' If he saw any beauty in your head,' said she, tossing 
her ugly face up with scorn, ' it's more than ever I could ; 
and as for brains, you never had any.' Says I, * It's 
my sheep's head.' ' Oh ! the sheep's head, is it ? Well, 
you ought to have taken better care of it, that's all I have 
to say. But I never interfere with nobody's business, not 
I indeed ; as we say in the north — 






A GALLIMAUFRY. 203 

* Who mells with what another does, 
Had best go home and shoe his gooze.' 

Says I, ' Mrs. Davies, that's not the question ; will you 
make proper amends, and give me another head as 
handsome as mine, with brains too ?' With that she flew 
into a tearing passion, and, saving your presence, ma'am, 
she said, ' Go to the devil,' so of course I came right off 
to you^ Poor old woman, she died in Chickweed Hall 
hospital, as my father used to call the house he built for 
his pensioners.' ' Aunty,' said one of the young ladies, 
to whom Aunt Sally did not appear half as amusing as 
her namesake did to the Duke of Beaufort, ' look at this 
photograph of Charles, is it not a capital likeness ?' * It's 
justice without mercy, my dear,' replied the old lady, ' as 
all photographs are ; they diminish the eyes, and magnify 
the nose and the mouth, and besides, they make people 
look older.' ' Then they are neither just nor merciful,' 
was the retort of the sharp young lady. ' No, dear, they 
are not/ continued the aunt, looking sentimental, ' neither 
are they flattering. But what does it signify after all, for 
in a few short years they will fade away, and be forgotten, 
like ourselves. I was very much shocked by a conversa- 
tion I overheard the other day, at Brighton. I was in 
Smith's, the old china dealer's shop, near the Pavilion, 
when I saw Sir John Mullett approaching, and as I did 
not feel inclined to talk to him, I slipped into the back 
room, but had not time to close the door after me, so I 
was very reluctantly compelled to listen to his conversa- 
tion — " Smith," said he, " have you got rid of my father 
yet ?" " No, Sir John," he replied, " I have done my 
best for you, but nobody wants him, they say he is too 
large ; but I'll tell you what I have been thinking, Sir 
John ! how would it do to cut his legs off below the knees, 
there would be enough of him left then, for it appears to 



204 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

me, they are by no means the best part of him." " By 
Gad !" said the other, " that's a capital idea : have his 
legs taken off immediately, tho' let the job be done neatly, 
don't let him be disfigured, you know. But stop ! don't 
talk about it," he continued, "for ill-natured people 
might make a good story out of my cutting off my father's 
legs, and all that sort of thing, eh ?" And away he went, 
laughing to himself, as if he had said a good thing. 
When the coast was clear, I returned into the shop. " For 
goodness gracious sake, Mr. Smith," I said, " what was 
that wicked, heartless man, Sir John Mullett, directing 
you to do with his respectable old father?" " Why, 
ma'am," said Smith, " he has* a full-length portrait of his 
late father, presented to the old baronet for eminent ser- 
vices ; it is too large for his rooms, at least he fancies so, 
and he wants to sell it, and I advised him to reduce the 
size, which would make it more saleable, for it really is a 
good picture, by Sir Thomas Lawrence." " Yes," I re- 
plied, " that is very true, but if reduced in size, it would 
suit his rooms, as well as those of others." He shrugged 
his shoulders, and observed, " that was a matter of taste." 
" It may be," said I, " but it certainly is not a matter of 
feeling." I shall never have my likeness taken, dear, I 
have no idea of my legs being cut off, that I may not oc- 
cupy too much space on the wall, or be made a target of, 
as my great-grandmother's portrait was by my younger 
sisters in the archery ground.' 

* Yes, but you know ladies are not painted in a picture 
like gentlemen ; but how funny it would be if — 

6 Hush, dear, don't be silly now.' 

* Well, you might have a miniature taken, you know, 
and that occupies no room.' 

* Yes, but even that, if done by a first-rate artist, 
would sell for money, and sold I should be to a certainty ; 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 205 

and what is worse, ridiculed for the extraordinary way 
old women arranged their hair in '59, for the bad taste 
with which I was dressed, and the total absence of dia- 
monds. Last week I was at Storr and Mortimer's, and I 
saw on the counter some very beautiful miniatures, most 
exquisitely painted. " These," I said, " are sent here to 
be reset, I suppose ?" " No, madam," was the answer, 
" they are for sale. They are likenesses of Lord South- 
cote's ancestors, taken by the first artists in Europe, of 
the different periods in which they lived. This (exhi- 
biting one in particular), is an enamel of the Louis 
Quatorze period, a portrait of that far-famed beauty, 
the wife of the second lord. She was reckoned the hand- 
somest woman in England of her day." I turned from 
contemplating them, with feelings I cannot express. Ah, 
my dear, succeeding generations are like the succeeding 
waves of yonder vast Atlantic. They gather strength 
and size with the storms that lift them from their calm 
existence, and urge each other onward in their ceaseless 
course, till they successively break on the rugged shores 
that imprison them, recoil into the immensity of ocean 
from which they sprung, mingle with its waters, and are 
lost to view for ever. They leave no trace behind them. 
One generation has as little sympathy for that which pre- 
ceded it as one wave has connexion with another. We 
look forward with hope, but regard the past with awe or 
regret. We may control the future, through the agency 
of the present, but the past is irrevocable. Our sympa- 
thies are with our own contemporaries, and our living de- 
scendants. The dead are dreams of other days, dark 
dreams too, and full of mystery. No ! paint me no por- 
trait ; when the reality departs, let there be no shadowy 
unsubstantial picture ! Few would recognise the like- 
ness ; it would be but a face and nothing more, and one, 



206 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

too, that borrows or assumes an expression for the occa- 
sion. Memory wants no aid from an artist, it engraves 
the image of those we love on the heart, and it retains the 
inward qualities as well as the outward lineaments. We 
live while those who love us live, and we perish with 
them ; posterity knows us no more than if we had never 
been. We must die, dear, and be forgotten, it is the law 
of our nature ; but I neither wish to be painted when alive, 
razeed when dead, nor sold as " the Lord knows who," 
by a London jeweller.' 

' By-the-by, Aunty,' said one of the young ladies, by 
way of changing the conversation, ' did you buy one of 
those wonderfully cheap gold watches, in the city, yester- 
day, for me, at that great bankrupt sale, near St. Paul's ?' 
' No, my dear,' said the old lady, with great animation, 
' I bought nothing, I was only too glad to get safely out 
of the shop. Never go to these large advertising esta- 
blishments that promise such extraordinary bargains, they 
are all cheats. I never was in such a place before in my 
life. I saw placards in large black and red letters, stuck 
up everywhere, that the effects of a bankrupt had been 
purchased at a discount of sixty per cent, below prime 
cost, and that as the sale was positive, they were to be 
disposed of at an enormous sacrifice. So, as I had to go 
through the city, on my way from the Shoreditch station, 
I confess I was silly enough to be tempted to look in, in* 
tending to make a purchase for you. As soon as I en- 
tered, two ill-dressed men, out of a crowd of attendants or 
conspirators, beset me, one on one side, and one on the 
other, talking and boasting as loud as they could. I was 
shown, or nearly forced up stairs, and, on my way there, 
passed a lady who appeared quite alarmed, though she had 
a gentleman with her, and if I had had my wits about me, 
I should have joined them, and made my escape ; but, as 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 207 

I am not easily frightened, (having travelled so much,) on 
1 went, and found myself in a large upper room, filled 
with every kind of showy, trashy stuff. I had hardly 
reached this place, when a shopman shouted out from be- 
low, " Have you any more of those diamond rings ?" 
" No," was the answer, delivered in an equally loud 
tone, to attract attention. " No, they are all sold ; Lady 
Grosvenor took the last four this morning." And again, 
" Have you sent those six court dresses to the Austrian 
Ambassador's ?" " Yes, and his excellency will be obliged 
if one of the young ladies will wait upon him with some 
more this evening." " Send down one of those splendid 
Turkish hearth-rugs for a lady to look at, also one of the 
fifty guinea dressing-cases." " All sold, except one, and 
that the Duke of Wellington has just sent for." All this, 
and much more stuff of the same kind, passed between 
them. " Have you any gold watches ?" I asked, " I ob- 
serve you advertise them ?" " Sorry to say, madam, you 
are too late; we had many hundreds yesterday, but 
Savory and Co. came this morning, and bought them all 
up ; they said they were so dirt cheap they would ruin 
the trade ; cost twenty pounds a-piece, and sold them at 
four. But here are some clocks," showing me some Sam 
Slicks, put into tinsel and varnished cases. " Capital ar- 
ticles ! Can afford to sell them for next to nothing. 
Tremendous sacrifice for cash !" " Thank you, I do not 
want one." " Keeps wonderful time. Mr. Gladstone 
bought one ; we call the new movement the Gladstono- 
meter, after him." " I tell you I don't want a clock, I 
asked for watches." " Beautiful India shawl, ma'am, just 
look at it," spreading before me a wretched affair, only 
fit for a kitchen maid. " That/' said I, resolutely (for I am 
a judge of India shawls), " is neither Indian nor French, 
but a miserable Norwich imitation, and is made of 



208 THE SEA SOX-TICKET. 

cotton, and not silk.'' " Pray may I ask you," said the 
fellow, most impatiently, " are you in a position to purchase 
an Indian shawl ?" " I am in a position, sir," I said, " not 
to put up with insolence." The door was obstructed by 
several of these people, so I said in a firm voice, " Allow 
me to pass, sir, or I shall call a policeman." " Which, if 
you do not," replied my persecutor, "I most certainly shall. 
Make room for this lady. What was the cause of your 
intrusion here, ma'am, I know not, you certainly never 
came to purchase, whatever your real object may have 
been. Smith, see this lady out. Below there, two upon 
ten, 9 ' which I believe is a slang term that implies " keep 
two eyes on that person's ten fingers." I never was so 
rejoiced as when I found myself in the street again, and 
was enabled to draw a long breath, and feel assured that 
I was safe. I must say it served me right ; I had no 
business to go there. I have always heard those places 
were kept by scoundrels and cheats ; but I could not 
bring myself to believe that they dared to do such things 
in such a public place, and in so unblushing a manner. 
Many a timid lady is plundered in this way, by being 
compelled to purchase what she does not want, and to 
accept some worthless article in exchange for the money 
she is bullied out of. The form of sale is adopted to 
avoid the technicalities of law, and to divest the affair of 
the character of a larceny ; but in fact it is neither more 
nor less than a robbery. If you want a good article, my 
dear, you must pay a good price ; and if you desire to 
avoid deception, go to a respectable well-known shop. 
But here we are at Winchester ; I think I see Charles 
on the platform. Now see that you don't leave your 
things behind you, Jane, in the carriage, as you so often 
do. I have only thirteen packages, and they are easily 
found.' In a few minutes the family party left us, the 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 209 

bell rang, and we were again on our way to South- 
ampton. 

The gentleman who sat opposite to me returned me 
the Times which I had lent him on leaving Waterloo, 
and I said, ' What do you think of the news to-day, of the 
Emperor reducing his military and naval forces to a 
peace establishment V ' I think it is a very significant 
hint to us,' he replied, * to be prepared for an invasion. 
Napoleon never makes an assertion that is not calculated 
to induce a belief of its being the very opposite of what 
he really thinks or intends. He is one of those who fully 
believes in the saying of an old epigrammatist, that " lan- 
guage was given to men to conceal their thoughts." I 
regard his acts and not his protestations ; one are facts, 
the other delusions. If I must interpret his language, I 
do so by comparing what he says to Frenchmen with what 
he addresses to foreigners. He proclaims to his people 
that the defeats at Moscow and Waterloo are to be 
avenged, and that all those who occupied Paris, and 
overthrew the empire, must in turn be punished. His 
mission, he says, is to effect this grand object. The first 
part he has fulfilled by humbling the pride of Russia, by 
the destruction of Sebastopol, and the capture of the 
Redan ; the second by driving the Austrians out of Italy. 
Prussia and England are still to be humiliated. The 
Rhine provinces will appease his anger against the former, 
who will have to fight single-handed, and will probably 
purchase her peace by the cession of her frontier posses- 
sions. England has a long series of victories, by land and 
by sea, to atone for. Every Frenchman will rally round 
the Emperor in this struggle for life and death, and ex- 
pend his blood and his treasure to gratify the long 
cherished revenge, " Delenda est Carthago."" To Europe 
he says, " the empire is peace," and in proof of his pacific 



210 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

intentions, he has reduced his military and naval forces. 
What does he call a peace establishment ? Before the 
Italian war he solemnly denied that he was arming, and 
yet every arsenal in France was occupied day and night 
with preparations for war, both by sea and land, while 
rifled guns and their carriages, packed in heavy cases, 
were shipped to Italy as merchandise, to elude observa- 
tion, and every arrangement made for a sudden and 
successful invasion. For the maintenance of his enormous 
army there may be plausible reasons assigned. It may 
be said, that as a continental power he must be ready for 
every contingency, where his neighbours pursue the same 
suicidal course of expending their resources on their 
military establishments ; but what is the meaning of the 
enormous increase of his navy ? One quarter of his fleet 
is more than sufficient to annihilate that of America, and 
one third of it is able to cope with that of Russia, which 
can never be a formidable maritime nation. Austria, 
Prussia, and the other great powers have no navies worth 
mentioning. What, then, is its object ? Can any reason- 
able man doubt that it is a standing menace to England, 
and that as soon as it can be raised to a numerical 
majority, it will be let loose upon us ? If this is his peace 
establishment, nominally reducing his forces means being 
ready for every emergency, and making no alteration 
whatever that will interfere with immediate action. Send- 
ing soldiers to their homes looks pacific, but is an artful 
dodge to save for a time the expense of paying them ; for 
though they are absent on leave, a telegraphic message 
would bring every one of them back to their respective 
regiments in ten days. In like manner, his foreign com- 
merce is limited, and his sailors can be reassembled at a 
moment's notice. It is a well-conceived, but ill-disguised 
trap laid for us, in hopes that we shall be induced by our 



A GALLIMAUFRY. 211 

credulity on the one hand, and our Manchester politicians 
on the other, to accept his promises as honest, and disarm 
also. . But even if his reduction were real, and not nomi- 
nal, disarmament by the English would be followed by 
very different results. If you disband your soldiers you 
can never lay your hands upon them again. If you pay 
off your sailors, as you did at the termination of the 
Crimean war, the consequence would be equally dis- 
astrous, for when wanted they will be found scattered, 
like our commerce, over every part of the world. Napo- 
leon, on the contrary, has nothing to do but to stamp 
his foot on the ground, and up will spring five or six 
hundred thousand soldiers, together with all the sailors 
of France, trained, disciplined, and effective men. In the 
mean time, every ship in ordinary will be kept in readi- 
ness to put to sea. She will be strengthened, refitted, 
and her guns ticketed and numbered, as they are depo- 
sited in store, or other rifled and improved ones substi- 
tuted in their place. Portions of other ships will be 
prepared, fitted, and marked, so as to be put together at 
a moment's notice, when required, while stores and mate- 
rials will be accumulated in the arsenals, and the yards, 
furnaces, and smithies enlarged, arranged, and fitted for 
immediate action. There will be nothing to be done but 
to issue the orders and " let slip the dogs of war." Are we 
prepared for such a sudden emergency — I may say, for 
such an explosion — for when it does come, it will be his 
interest to lose no time? If we are to be beaten at all, 
he knows his only chance is to take us by surprise, to 
assault us, as a burglar, in the night, and to plunder the 
house before the shutters are closed, or the watchman is 
at his post. Steam has bridged the Channel, we no longer 
use nautical terms in reference to it, we do not talk of the 
distance across in knots, or miles, we estimate it by hours. 



212 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Cherbourg is five hours from Southampton. I left it at six, 
and landed at the dock of the latter at eleven o'clock in 
the forenoon, and by two o'clock was in London. The 
most foolhardy of the present administration, even Pal- 
merston himself, says this is inconveniently near, should 
Napoleon become an assailant. Now I am no alarmist, 
which is a very favourite name given to those who desire 
the use of ordinary precaution. I exclude from my con- 
sideration any junction of the Russian with the French 
fleet, which, it is admitted on all hands, we are not at 
present able to resist. But I do maintain that we ought 
to be in a position to retain the command of the Channel, 
besides detaching large squadrons to the Mediterranean, 
and to other naval stations ; and that if we are unable to 
do this, we lie at the mercy, and invite an invasion of the 
French. It is impossible to fortify all our extended coasts, 
or effectually to defend the country against a large invading 
force; they must be protected by the navy. "Britannia 
rules the waves." When she ceases to rule them, she 
ceases to exist as a nation. If the French can achieve 
maritime supremacy, an invasion would be as easy as that 
of the Normans, and a conquest as complete ; and I can 
see no reason, as a military man, why it should not be 
annexed to France, and become an integral part of that 
empire, as much as Algeria.' 



( 213 ) 



No. VIII. 

OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 

My fellow-passenger, ascertaining that I was going to 
Radley's Hotel, at Southampton, proposed to share my 
cab, and also, if I had no objection, to join me at dinner. 
This arrangement was most agreeable, for nothing is so 
uncomfortable or uninviting as a solitary meal. Indeed, 
I think, conversation is absolutely necessary to digestion. 
It compels you to eat slowly, and enables you to enjoy 
your wine, which you are never inclined to do when alone. 
Talk is an excellent condiment. A dog prefers to retire 
to a corner with his food, and if a comrade approaches 
him he snarls, and shows his teeth, and if he persists in 
intruding his company, most probably fights him. But dogs 
cannot communicate their ideas to each other ; if they 
could they would, no doubt, regard the quality of their 
food as well as its quantity. Man is a reasoning animal, 
and delights in a ' feast of reason and a flow of soul,' as 
much as in his material food ; he equally dislikes a 
crowded or an empty table. The old rule that your 
company should not be less than three, or exceed nine, is 
a fanciful one, founded on the limited number of graces 
and muses. Now, in my opinion, the arrangement should 
be made by couples, from two to ten. Three is a very 
inconvenient limitation, constituting, according to an old 
adage, ' no company.' If more assemble the table should 



214 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

be round, which admits of your seeing all your friends at 
once, avoids the necessity of talking across any one, and 
enables you to hear more distinctly. Straight lines are 
always formal, but never more so than at a convivial 
board ; indeed, I should prefer to have the dining-room 
circular : you can then say, with truth, that you are ' sur- 
rounded by your friends,' or that you have ' gathered 
your friends roun you,' expressions which are either un- 
meaning or inapplicable to our ordinary arrangements. 
But this is a digression. 

My new acquaintance, Colonel Mortimer, had seen 
much foreign service, and was a well-informed and pleasant 
companion. He was acquainted with many people I had 
known in the East, and with several of my friends in 
North America. Nothing is more agreeable than such a 
casual meeting with one who has travelled over the same 
ground as yourself. It enables you to compare notes, 
and has the advantage of presenting the same objects in 
different points of view. After dinner I reverted to our 
conversation of the morning, as to the state of our na- 
tional defences. ' This place,' I said, ' is imperfectly 
fortified, and open to attack both by land and sea, and 
the number and value of the steamers in the docks invite 
a visit from our neighbours, if we should, unfortunately, 
be at war with them. Do you really think there is any 
fear of a French invasion ?' 

' Fear,' he said, ' is a word, you know, we Englishmen 
don't understand. Nelson, when a boy, asked what it 
meant ; but I do think there is reason to apprehend that 
the invasion of England is seriously contemplated by Na- 
poleon. Time and opportunity are alone wanting for him 
to make the attempt. As I observed this morning, what 
is the object of the great and incessant naval preparations 
in France ? I asked the question, the other day, of a 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 215 

Frenchman ; he shrugged his shoulders and said, " We 
are at war with the Chinese, and we think it necessary to 
be prepared for an attack from them !" The real design, 
however, is too obvious to be denied. The Emperor is 
a sort of diplomatic Jesuit, who says one thing and means 
its opposite, who conceals his objects until the proper time 
arrives to unmask them, and who by his skill acquires 
your confidence without giving you his own in exchange 
for it. He is not an " ally," but " a lie " to England, and 
an enigma to Europe. His naval preparations point to 
us ; they may be meant as a blind to withdraw public at- 
tention from his designs upon Belgium or Prussia, and, 
judging by his past acts, it is not improbable that such 
may be the case ; but as neither of these countries pos- 
sesses a navy, it is not reasonable to suppose that such an 
enormous expenditure has been incurred for such a pur- 
pose. We must look at things as they are, and draw 
our own conclusions. At this moment he has twenty 
line-of-battle ships on the stocks, plated with steel, and 
fitted with every modern improvement. He has com- 
pleted the construction of a coast line of telegraphs, all 
centering at Cherbourg, so that no ship can leave any 
harbour on this side of the Channel without being sig- 
nalled to the fleet stationed at that port. These prepa- 
rations for war are not confined to France : he has a 
greater military force at Martinique and Guadaloupe 
than we have in all our West India Islands put together. 
He has fortified St. Pierre and Michelon, which lie 
between Newfoundland and Canada, contrary to the ex- 
press terms of the treaty ; and under pretence of meeting 
at Cape Breton the French mails, conveyed by the 
Cunard steamers, he sends men-of-war thither, who re- 
turn to those places heavily laden with coal from the 
Sydney mines. This is pretended to be for the use of 



216 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

the ships themselves, but every now and then a Bailing 
vessel takes a cargo on account, it is said, of the mer- 
chants there, but in reality for the Government. He has 
an immense store of coal there ; and every vessel laden 
with fish, that sails thence to the French West Indian 
Islands I have named, quietly conveys a certain portion of 
this fuel, to form a depot there also, for his Atlantic fleet. 
' The Island of Cape Breton, as you are aware, is one 
vast coal field, and was conquered from the French. Its 
capital, Louisburg, was taken by General Wolfe. Most 
of the inhabitants of that colony remained there after its 
formal cession to England, and their descendants are, to 
this day, a separate race, speaking the language of their 
forefathers ; they are mainly occupied in the fisheries, 
and are excellent pilots. Their descent, their religion, 
their traditions, and their sympathies, naturally incline 
them to think favourably and kindly of their mother 
country ; and though not actually disloyal to England, 
they are not unfavourably disposed towards the French. 
It has been observed of late that their friendship has been 
systematically courted by the latter, who engage their 
young men in their fisheries, encourage them to trade with 
them, and, under one pretence or other, continually visit 
their harbours. During the past year, while that valua- 
ble colonial possession has been entirely neglected by the 
admiral on the Halifax station, in consequence of the 
limited number of ships under his command, three French 
men-of- war have been at anchor a great part of the time, 
at Sydney, as if it were a French port, and their flags, and 
that of their consuls, were the only ones that were seen 
by the inhabitants. Cape Breton, on its eastern side, 
presents many harbours, and numerous hiding-places for 
French men-of-war, not merely on its coast, but by means 
of the great Bras d'Or Lake (which is an arm of the sea 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 217 

that nearly divides the island into two parts) affords nooks 
of concealment in the very heart of the country. The 
coal-mines are wholly unprotected, and could be either 
held or rendered useless at the pleasure of an aggressor. 
What renders this more alarming is, that Halifax, and 
the whole of our squadron at that station, are entirely 
dependent upon these very mines for their supply of coal ; 
so that in six-and-thirty hours' sail from St. Pierre, one 
ship of war could reach Sydney, and render the English 
fleet utterly powerless to move from their moorings. On 
every foreign station, whether on the Atlantic, or Pacific 
side of America, or in the East, the French naval force 
has been quietly and unostentatiously increased, so that 
if war were to break out, they would be in the ascendant 
in every quarter. In these days of telegraphic communi- 
cation, when news of hostility can be transmitted with the 
rapidity of lightning, it is not too much to say, that the 
Emperor, by his foresight, judicious preparations, and 
well-concealed plans, could sweep the commerce of Eng- 
land from the seas in six weeks. 

1 As I said before, I am no alarmist ; I conjure up no 
phantoms of a junction of Russian or American fleets with 
those of France, because that probability is too painful to 
contemplate ; but, despite the frivolous pooh-poohing, and 
imbecile policy of those who ridicule patriotism, and throw 
cold water on the formation of defensive independent 
corps, which they style the result of a " rifle fever," I think 
there is every reason to apprehend that our country is in 
imminent danger. An invasion of England is a traditional 
idea in France. Napoleon the First, as is well known, very 
nearly attempted it ; Louis Philippe had it much at 
heart The Prince de Joinville, you are aware, published 
a pamphlet on the subject, and kept alive the national 
feeling by describing to his countrymen the facility with 



218 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

which London could be taken by a coup de main, and 
excited their cupidity by pointing out to them the 
enormous booty it contained, to reward their successful 
attack. To prepare the public mind for such an attempt, 
and to awaken and revive the naval ardour of the nation, 
our flag was everywhere insulted, and in one instance he 
fired into one of our gun brigs, in South America, forcibly 
took away her pilot, a Brazilian subject, and compelled 
him to transfer his services to the French ship. From 
the time of the first Empire to the present, every exertion 
has been made by every successive government to increase 
the French naval force, not merely by building ships, 
accumulating naval stores, and enlarging their dockyards, 
but by giving bounties to their vessels engaged in the 
foreign fisheries., especially those of Newfoundland, which 
are great and growing nurseries for their seamen. There 
are more than thirty thousand well-trained sailors engaged 
in this business alone. Now you must recollect that 
France, possessing but few colonies, and much less com- 
merce than we have, has, of course, very much less to 
defend, while our distant possessions and immense foreign 
trade require a force for their protection nearly equal to 
what is necessary to insure our own safety. The French 
navy is aggressive, and not defensive ; its business is to 
burn, sink, or destroy, not to guard, protect, or defend. 
Its employment will be piracy — its reward plunder. 
The past and present neglect of our navy is, therefore, 
altogether inexcusable ; we must maintain our maritime 
supremacy, whatever the cost may be ; and if our fleets 
have the command of the channel, we may safely 
intrust our defences to them, with a certain convic- 
tion that our native land will never be polluted by 
the presence, or ravaged by the hordes, of a foreign in- 
vader.' 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 219 

* I am entirely of your opinion,' I said : ' I have been 
so much abroad lately, that I am not very — ' 

' Well posted up, eh, Squire Shegog ? Well, if you 
ain't. I want to know who is, that's all ? And how are 
you, stranger ? I hope I see you well.' 

4 Quite well, Mr. Peabody ' (for it was he). ' And how 
is my friend, the Senator?' 

' Hearty as brandy,' he said, ' but not quite so spirited ; 
looks as sleepy as a horse afore, an empty manger, but is 
wide awake for all that. He'll be here directly ; great 
bodies move slow ; he worms his way through a crowd, 
as perlite as a black waiter. " Permit me to pass, if you 
please, Sir." " By your leave ; will you be good enough 
to allow me to go on," and so forth. I make short metre 
of it. I took up a porter by the nape of his neck, and 
stood him on one side, as easy as if he'd been a chessman. 
It made people stare, I tell you ; and I shoved one this 
way, and another that way, and then put my two hands 
together before me like a wedge, and split a way right 
through the crowd. One fellow, seeing what I was at, 
just scroodged up again me, so as to hold his place : 
" Take your hand off my watch-chain," said I ; " what do 
you mean by a-hustlin of me that way ?" The fellow 
squared round, and so did others, and I pushed on, saying 
I should not wonder if my purse was gone too. They 
had to make room to feel their pockets, and that made 
space enough for me. There is no use a-talkin of it, 
stranger, people must keep off the track, unless they want 
to be run over. Here comes Senator, at last, I do declare, 
a-puffin and a-blowin like a wounded porpoise, when he 
whole shoal of 'em are arter him.' 

' Well, Senator,' said Peabody, ' you seem to have had 
a tempestical time of it at the station, among the excur- 
sionists a-goin to see the Great Eastern. Take a chair, 

l2 



220 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

and sit down, and rest yourself, for you look like a fellow 
that's sent for, and can't come, and sittin is as cheap as 
standin, when you don't pay for it. So let us all heave to, 
and cast anchor, it saves the legs, and depend upon it, 
they wern't made always to hang down, like a Chinaman's 
tail, or dangle like old Sharmon Fluke's queue. If you 
want them to last out the hody, you must rest them, that's 
a fact ; you must put them upon a chair, or out of a 
winder, or cross them in front of you, like a tailor. Is it 
any wonder the English go about limpin, hobblin, and 
dotangoone in, when their feet hang down for everlastin, 
like those of a poke, when it's frightened from a swamp, 
by a shot from a Frenchman, who hates him like pyson, 
for poachin among his frogs. Blood won't run up hill for 
ever, you may depend. I don't wonder you are tired, 
threadin your way through these excursionists. Don't 
the British beat all natur in their way ? they will go any- 
where, stranger, to see anything big. What's curious 
ain't no matter, it's size they like — a hugeacious ship, a 
big glass palace, a mammoth hog, an enormous whale, 
a big ox, or a big turnip, or Big Ben (that's cracked like 
themselves). Any monster, fish, flesh, or fowl, is enough 
to make the fools stare, and open their mouths as if they 
were a-going to swallow it whole, tank, shank and flank. 
Fact, I assure you — now jist look a -here. Senator is a 
far greater man than I be anywhere, he has more larnin, 
more sense, and the gift of speech of ten women's tongues, 
reduced and simmered down to an essence ; talks like a 
book : we call him a " big bug" to home. Well, he is 
undersized, you see, and they think nothen of him here, 
but stare like owls at a seven-footer like me. As one of 
them said to me to-day, " If you are a fair specimen of 
your countrymen, Mr. Peabody, I must say the Americans 
are a splendid race of men." " Stranger," said I, " I 



R NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 221 

am just iiothen, I am only seventeen hands high, or so ; 
I am the leastest of father's nine sons ; you should have 
seen my brother Oby : when he was courtin Miss Jemime 
Coffin, of Nantucket, he used to lean on the winder sill 
in the second story, and talk to her as easy as if he was 
a-lollin on the back of her chair. One night he went, as 
usual, to have a chat with the old folks — of course he did 
not go to see the young ones ; such a thing is onpossible, 
who ever heard of that in all their born days ! Visits is 
always to parents, and if a lady comes in by accedent, 
and the old ones go out, or go to bed, why, accordin to 
reason and common sense, young people remain behind, 
and finish the evening ; nateral politeness requires that, 
you know. Well, this time he was a little bit too late ; 
they had all gone to roost. To home in our country, 
folks don't sit up for everlastin as they do here, but as 
soon as it is daylight down, and supper over, tortle off to 
bed. Well, this night, the fire was raked up safe, the 
hearth swept clean and snug, the broom put into a tub of 
water, for fear of live coals a-stickin to it, and they had 
all turned in, some to sleep, some to dream, and some to 
snore. I believe in my soul, a Yankee gall of the right 
build, make, and shape, might stump all creation for 
snoring.' 

' And pray,' said I, 6 what do you call the right build 
for that elegant accomplishment ?' 

6 Why/ said Peabody, ' a gall that is getting old, thin, 
and vinegary, that has a sharp-edged bill-hook to her 
face, with its sides collapsed ; they act like stops to a 
key-bugle, and give great power to that uncommon 
superfine wind instrument, the nose. Lor' ! an old spinster 
practitioner is a caution to a steam-whistle, I tell you. 
As I was a-sayin, they had all gone to the land of Nod, 
when Oby arrived, so as he didn't like to be baulked of his 



SEASON-TICKET. 

chat with the young lady, he jist goes round, and taps 
agin the glass, and she ups out of bed, opens the sash, 
and begins to talk like all possessed, when he jist puts his 
arm round her waist, hands her right out as she was, 
throws his cloak over her, whips her up afore him on his 
boss, and off to Rhode Island, and marries her quick stick. 
It gave her such an awful fright, it brought on a fever, 
and when she got well, her face was as red as a maple 
leaf in the fall. Gracious ! what a fiery daugertype it 
gave her ; she always vowed and maintained it warn't the 
fever that throwed out the scarlet colour, but that she 
blushed so, at being hauled out of the winder all of a 
sudden, afore she had time to dress, that the blushes 
never left her arterwards. Give a woman modesty for a 
title-page, and see if she won't illuminate and illustrate, 
and picturate it to the nines. Yes, if you want to look 
on a model man, you must see Oby. He was near 
eighteen hands high, fine lean head, broad forehead, big 
eye, deep shoulder, perdigious loins, immense stifle, splen- 
diferous fists, knock an ox down a'most, and a foot that 
would kick a green pine stump right out of the ground ; 
noble-tempered fellow as ever trod shoe leather, never 
put out in his life, except when he warn't pleased ; in 
short, he was all a gall could ask, and more than she 
could hope for. Poor fellow ! only to think he was tied 
for life to one that looked as scarlet as the settin sun 
arter a broilin day in summer, hot enough to make water 
bile, and red enough to put your eyes out. It all came 
from bein in an all-fired red-hot haste. Still, I won't say 
but what there are shorter men than me in the States, 
and specially among the French in Canada. I was 
drivin, between Montreal and Quebec, winter afore last, 
in a little low sleigh I had, and I overtook a chap that 
was a-jogging on along afore me, as if he was paid by 



URS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 223 

time, and ince ; sais I, " Friend, give us room to 

pass, will yon 3 a good fellow ;" for in deep snow, 

that's, not so easy a job as you'd think. Well, he said he 
couldn't, and when I asked him again, he said he wouldn't. 
We jawed a little grain faster than our horses trotted, 
you may suppose, when all of a suddent he stop't straight 
in the middle of the track, atween two enormous snow 
drifts, and said, " Since you are in such an everlastin 
hurry, pass on." Well, there was no then left for me to 
do but to get out, throw the little chatterin monkey into 
the snow bank, and his horse and sleigh arter him ; but 
when I began to straighten up, the fellow thought there 
was no eend to me ; it fairly made his hair stand, starein 
like a porcupine's quills ; it lift up his fur cap — fact, I 
assure you. " So," sais he, " stranger, you needn't 
uncoil more of yourself, I cave in ;" and he scrabbles out 
quick stick, takes his horse by the head, and makes room 
for me as civil as you please. But, stranger, sposin we 
pre~rogue this session, and re-rogue again, as they say in 
Congress, to the smoking room.' 

We accordingly all proceeded thither, with the exception 
of the Colonel, who said he never smoked, and had 
an appointment with the officer commanding at the 
battery. 

6 Now/ said Peabody, producing a case of cigars ; ' 1 
feel to hum — talking and smoking is dry work ; when I 
want to build up a theory, I require liquid cement to mix 
the mortar, moisten the materials, and make them look 
nicely.' 

' When you joined us,' I said, addressing the Senator, 
'my friend the Colonel and myself were discussing the 
probability of a rupture with France ; do you think there 
is any prospect of an interruption in our friendly relations 
with America?' 



224 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

' That,' said he, ' is a question eatier asked than an- 
swered. Under ordinary circumstances, I should say, 
no ; but inconsiderate and unprincipled people may com- 
promise the United States in a way to make the President 
think that concession may be mistaken for fear, and that 
recourse must be had to hostilities for the sake of national 
honour.' 

' Well, supposing such an occurrence to take place, for 
instance, as has lately happened by your taking forcible 
possession of the island of St. Juan, and a conflict were 
to ensue, what would be the conduct of the colonists ? 
Do you suppose that they would defend themselves, and 
remain loyal to England, or would they sympathize with 
the invaders ?' 

' There is not the slightest doubt in the world,' he 
replied, ' that they would retain their allegiance. Few 
persons in this country are aware of the value and extent 
of British America, its vast resources and magnificent 
water privileges, or the character and nature of its popu- 
lation. The British possessions in North America cover 
the largest, the fairest, and most valuable portion of that 
continent. They comprise an area of upwards of four 
millions square geographical miles, being nearly a ninth 
part of the whole terrestrial surface of the globe, and ex- 
ceed in extent the United States and their territories, 
by more than 879,000 miles. The Old Atlantic colonies 
consist of Canada (east and west), New Brunswick, Nova 
Scotia, Newfoundland, and Prince Edward's Island, and 
to these countries alone has public attention been hitherto 
occasionally directed. The history of the rule of Down- 
ing-street over these valuable dependencies, since the peace 
of 1783, is a tissue of neglect or ignorance, of obstinate 
conflicts or ill-judged concessions. Nothing has preserved 
them to you but the truly loyal and British feeling of the 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 

people, and a continued and marvellous prosperity, that 
has triumphed over every difficulty, and overpowered the 
voice of politics by the noise of the axe, the saw, and the 
hammer. They have been too busy in commercial to 
think much of political speculations, and too familiar with 
free institutions to be intoxicated with power, like those 
who have but recently acquired their rights. However 
large the accretion by emigration may be from Europe, 
the bulk of the people are natives, who are accustomed to 
the condition of colonial life, and the possession of re- 
sponsible government, and desire neither absolute inde- 
pendence of England nor annexation to the United States, 
but who feel that they have outgrown their minority, and 
are entitled to the treatment and consideration due to 
adult and affectionate relatives. The day for governing 
such colonies as those in North America by a few irre- 
sponsible head clerks in Downing-street has passed away, 
and something more efficient than the present system 
must be substituted in its place. As these countries 
increase in population and wealth, so do the educated 
and upper classes, who, although they deprecate agitation, 
will never consent to occupy a position of practical inferi- 
ority to their brethren in England, or their neighbours in 
the United States. They are contented with the power 
of self-government that they possess within the limits of 
their respective provinces ; but they feel that there is no 
bond of union between the Atlantic colonies themselves ; 
that they have five separate governments, with five several 
tariffs, five different currencies, and five distinct codes of 
municipal laws; that the supreme power is lodged in 
Downing-street ; that the head of the department with 
which they are connected is more occupied with imperial 
interests than theirs, and goes in and out of office with 
his party, while the business is delegated to clerks ; that 

l3 



226 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

they not only have no voice in matters of general inter- 
colonial and foreign interest to all the colonies, but that 
as individuals, or delegates, they have no personal status 
here, and no duly constituted medium of transacting their 
business with the imperial government. This inconveni- 
ence is generally felt and lamented, and there are not 
wanting unquiet persons, both here and in our country, 
who point out to them that their neighbours have a 
minister in London, and a consul at every large seaport, 
and many of the manufacturing towns in Great Britain, 
while even Hayti has its black ambassador, and every 
petty German state its accredited political agent. This 
is as obvious to you as it is to them, and common prudence, 
if no higher motive, should induce you to apply a remedy 
before it grows into an established grievance of dangerous 
magnitude.' 

'He talks like a book, Squire, don't he?' said Mr. 
Peabody ; ' if you only had the like of him for a colonial 
minister, I reckon he would make English secretaries rub 
their eyes and stare, as if they felt they had been just 
woke up out of a long dreamy sleep. Why, would you 
believe it, not one of these critters ever saw a colony, in 
all his born days, and yet the head man, or Boss, as we 
call him, sends out governors that know as little as he 
does. When he gets the appointment himself, he is like 
a hungry lean turkey being prepared for market — he has 
to be crammed by the clerks. "Tell me," says he, 
" about Canada, and show me the ropes. Is Canada 
spelt with two n's?" "No, my Lord Tom, Dick or 
Harry," (as the case may be), says the underling; "it 
ought to be, but people are so poor they can only afford 
one. " Capital," says secretary, " come, I like that, it's 
uncommon good. I must tell Palmerston that. But 
what is it remarkable for ? for I know no more abo at it 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 227 

than a child." " Big lakes, big rivers, big forests," says 
clerk. "Ah," says he, "when will the government be 
vacant ? I have promised it already. Now, New Bruns- 
wick, what of that ?" " Large pine timber, ship-building, 
big rivers again, and fisheries." " Grey wants that for 
one of his family ; but the Eliots threaten to go against 
us, if we don't give it to one of their clan. To settle the 
dispute, I shall appoint my brother. Now, tell me about 
Nova Scotia." " Good harbours, Halifax is the capital, 
large coal-fields, lots of iron ore, and fish without end, 
quiet people." " Ah, that will just suit Mulgrave." 
" Now," says the clerk, " if any colony feller comes 
a-botherin here, the answer is, ' you have a responsible 
government, we should be sorry to interfere ' That's 
our stereotyped reply, or ' leave your papers to be con- 
sidered.' I will then post you up in it agin he calls 
next day. All colonists are rascals ; no principle — they 
pretend to be loyal — don't believe them ; unless they are 

snubbed, they are apt to be troublesome " By golly, 

I do wonder to hear Senator talk as he does, when he knows 
in his heart we couldn't stand them when we were 
colonists, and just gave the whole bilin of them the mitten, 
and reformed them out in no time.' 

' Now, my good friend,' said the Senator, * how do you 
know all this ? You were never in Downing-street in your 
life, and it's not fair to draw upon your imagination, and 
then give fancy sketches as facts.' 

' Lyman Boodle,' said the other, striking his fist on the 
table with much warmth ; 'lam not the fool you take me 
to be. Didn't our Ambassador to the Court of St. 
James's, Victoria, tell both you and me so, in the presence 
of John Van Buren and Joshua Bates, word for word 
what I have said ; and didn't you break through your 
solemncholy manner, and laugh like a slave nigger (for 



228 THE SEASON-TIC]'. 

they are the only folks that laugh in our country)? So 
come now, what's the use of pretendin' ; I like a man 
that's right up and down, as straight as a shingle.' 

6 Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, with well-affected 
dignity, ' I have no recollection of the conversation you 
allude to ; but if it did take place, as you say, nothing 
can excuse a man for repeating a piece of badinage, and 
abusing the confidence of a private party.' 

' Ly,' said his friend, looking puzzled, ' you do beat the 
devil, that's a fact.' 

The Senator, without pressing his objections any farther, 
turned to me, and with great composure, resumed his ob- 
servations. ' There are now/ he said, • about three 
millions of inhabitants in British America, and in justice to 
them I may add, that a more loyal, intelligent, industrious 
and respectable population is not to be found in any part of 
the world. Their numerical strength is about the same 
as that of our thirteen revolted colonies in 1783, when 
they successfully resisted England, and extorted their in- 
dependence. But there is this remarkable difference 
between the two people. The predilection of us Americans, 
with some few exceptions, was ever republican. The 
New England States were settled by Cromwellians, who 
never fully acknowledged English sovereignty. From the 
earliest period they aimed at independence, and their 
history is one continued series of contests with the prero- 
gative of the king, the power of parliament, and the juris- 
diction of the ecclesiastical courts. From the first they 
claimed the country as their own, and boldly asserted 
their exclusive right to govern it. They altered the 
uational flag, assumed the right to coin money, entered 
into treaties with the native tribes and their Dutch and 
French neighbours, and exercised sovereign powers in de- 
fiance of the mother country. Aware of the advantage 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 229 

and strength derived from union, the New England 
Colonies confederated at a very early period, and elected 
a representative body of delegates, who settled all dis- 
putes of a religious, territorial, or defensive nature, 
arising either between their respective provinces, or be- 
tween them and their neighbours of foreign origin. In 
this tribunal we find the embryo Congress of the United 
States, and the outline of the government which now pre- 
vails in that country ; it required but time and opportunity 
to develop it. The control of the parent state was ever 
merely nominal, and when it ceased to exist, the change 
was little more than converting practical into positive in- 
dependence, by substituting forcible for passive and ob- 
structive resistance. The unjust as well as impolitic at- 
tempt to impose taxation without representation, afforded 
them what they ardently desired — a justifiable ground for 
organizing an armed opposition, and a deep-rooted disaf- 
fection, and sectarian hatred, infused a vigour and a bit- 
terness into the contest, that the assertion of a consti- 
tutional right would alone have failed to inspire. When 
an object is predetermined, it is not often that folly fur- 
nishes so good an occasion for effecting it as the Stamp 
Act. Had the people been originally loyal, resistance 
would have ceased when it had been successful ; but the 
repeal of the Act, while it removed the obnoxious tax, 
failed to appease disaffection, and the contest was continued, 
not for principle, but for independence. The present 
British provinces are peopled by a totally different 
race. They were never the refuge of the discontented, 
but the asylum of the loyalists, who were either driven 
from their homes by us, or voluntarily followed the 
flag of their sovereign into the British territory. The 
great bulk of the original settlers of Upper Canada, 
New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia, had carried arms on 



230 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

the British side in the American E evolution, and those 
who subsequently removed there, selected the country 
because they preferred retaining their allegiance to their 
sovereign to becoming subjects of the Republic. Most of 
the loyalists were men of property and education, for such 
are seldom revolutionists, and their descendants have in- 
herited the feelings of their forefathers. It is from 
this cause that they are morally, and from the sa- 
lubrity of their climate physically, fully equal, if not su- 
perior, to their English brethren — -a fact that is patent to 
all who have travelled on that continent, or mixed with 
the population on both sides of the Atlantic. It is ne- 
cessary to keep these facts in view, whilst speculating on 
the destiny of these noble colonies. It is a settled convic- 
tion with a certain class of politicians in this country (who 
hold that colonies are an incumbrance), that as soon as 
they are able, they will separate from the parent state ; 
and they point to the United States as a proof of the 
truth of their theory. This has been loudly and offensively 
proclaimed by such men as Duncombe, Wakefield, and 
Buller, who have wounded the susceptibilities of the colo- 
nists by their offensive personal remarks, and weakened 
the interest which the people in this country have hitherto 
felt in their transatlantic possessions. It is, however, 
manifest, that separation does not necessarily follow from 
the power to sever the connexion, but that to the ability 
must be superadded the desire ; and that where there is 
a good and cordial feeling subsisting, that desire is 
not likely to arise, unless it is the decided interest of the 
colonies to become independent. In what that interest 
can consist, it is difficult to conceive, so long as this 
country pursues a wise, liberal, and just policy towards so 
important a portion of the empire.' 

' I will tell you,' said Peabody, ' what their interest is, 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 231 

and you know it as well as I do. Their interest is to jine 
us, and become part and parcel of the greatest nation in 
all creation ; to have a navy and army of their own, and 
by annexation to the United States, to feel they are able 
to lick all the world. Now they are nothing ; no, not 
half nothing, but just a nonentity. Invaded and insulted 
by us, they can't help themselves for fear of England, and 
England daren't go to war, for fear of the cotton spinners 
of Manchester. Big fish were never found in small ponds. 
Let them jine us, and I'd like to see the power that would 
dare to hurt a hair of their heads. They haven't got one 
member to Parliament, no more than footmen have ; if 
they belonged to us, they would send a hundred Senators 
to Congress. Who ever heard of a colonist being ap- 
pointed a governor anywhere? Catch the English a- 
doing of that ! No ; they give them the great and 
glorious privilege of paying British governors, and actually 
make them fork out to Sir Head, in Canada, a salary 
much larger than we pay to the President of the United 
States ; and while they support all the consuls east of 
Philadelphia, by fees levied off their ships, only one 
colonial consul is to be found, and Lord Clarendon was 
bullied into that. I tell you I know it as a fact, they are 
shut out of every appointment in the empire.' 

' You forget,' said the Senator, ' that Mr. Hincks was 
appointed a governor.' 

6 No, I don't,' said Peabody, ' but he warn't a colonist ; he 
was an Irishman that went to Canada to seek his fortune, 
and he was promoted for two reasons : first, because he was 
an Irishman ; and secondly, because he waded into the 
troubled waters Lord Elgin got into, and carried him out 
on his back, or he would have gone for it. But show me a 
native that ever got that commission J You say the critters 
have some intelligence ; well, if they had, wouldn't they 



232 



THE SEASON-TICKET. 



show their sense by jining us, and being made eligible to be 
elected President, or Foreign Ambassador, or Secretary 
of State, and so on ? What sort of birthright is a farm 
in the woods, half swamps, half stumps, with a touch of the 
ague, and no prospect before them but to rise to be a 
constable or a hogreave, catching vagrant thieves or 
stray pigs ? Bah ! the English are fools to expect this 
to last, and Canadians are still bigger fools to stand it. 
But go on : some of these days you will say, " Peabody 
warn't such a fool as you took him to be." ' 

' All you have advanced,' said the Senator, ' amounts 
to this : the provinces require a new organization, and so 
does the Colonial Office. I understand both these bene- 
ficial objects will soon be obtained by the mutual consent 
of Great Britain and her dependencies ; and to the very 
great advantage of both. I do not deny that the evils of 
the present system require removal,, but I have no doubt 
the remedy will soon be applied. I was talking of the 
country and the loyalty of its people, and not of its con- 
stitution. Much has been said,' he continued, 'of the 
rapid growth of the United States. No sooner was their 
independence acknowledged than they became the resort 
of all who sought a refuge from political strife in Europe ; 
a safe and wide field for the investment of capital; a 
market for their labour, and a new home in their vast and 
unoccupied territory. They absorbed, to the exclusion 
of other countries, nearly the whole emigration, not only 
of Great Britain but of Europe. The continued wars 
that grew out of the French Revolution gave them, as 
neutrals, a very great proportion of the carrying trade of 
the world. It was a popular country ; a realization of 
the theories of French philosophers and English reformers. 
It was neither burthened with the expenses of royalty, 
the tithes of an Established Church, nor the entails of an 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 233 

(hereditary nobility. Freedom and equality were in- 
scribed on their banners, and their favourite maxim, 
£ Vox populi, vox Dei," was realized in the assumption of 
the whole power by the people. Direct taxation, except 
in municipalities, was unknown. Customs duties and the 
sales of public lands maintained their then frugal govern- 
ment, and supplied a large surplus for works of public 
defence or improvement 

' The first-fruit of this system was a vast increase of 
population and wealth. The growth of the country, 
however, stimulated by the causes just mentioned, has 
been prodigious ; and it is for this reason I select it as a 
standard wherewith to measure the growth of Canada, 
and I think the comparison will astonish you, if you have 
not taken the trouble to institute an inquiry for yourself.' 

Turning to his pocket-book, the Senator read as 
follows : — ' " The last Census of the United States was 
taken in 1850, when the population (after deducting that 
of recent territorial acquisitions) was upwards of twenty- 
three millions. In 1840 it was only seventeen millions, 
or thereabouts. In ten years, therefore, the increase was 
upwards of six millions, or thirty-five per cent. 

< " The Census of Upper Canada in 1841 gave 465,000. 
In 1851 it was 952,000. Increase in ten years 487,000, 
or about 104 per cent. It may be said it is not fair to 
take the whole of the United States for a comparison 
with Upper Canada, much of the former country being 
comparatively old and long settled. It will be seen, 
however, from the United States Census, that the three 
States of Ohio, Michigan, and Illinois, which have had 
the most rapid increase, contained in 1830, 6,126,851 ; 
in 1850, 8,505,000, or a little over 320 per cent, in 
twenty years. Now the increase in Canada West, from 
1840 to 1849, was over 375 per cent, for the same 



234 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

period, so that the increase in these three choice States was 
55 per cent, less than in Canada West during that time, 
while in the Far West of Canada, the counties of Huron, 
Perth, and Bruce, have increased upwards of 571 per 
cent, in ten years — an increase almost beyond compre- 
hension. 

' " This immense advance is not confined to the rural 
districts, for the cities and towns will equally vie with 
those of the United States. Between 1840 and 1850 the 
increase in Boston was 45 per cent., but in Toronto, 95 
per cent. The increase of New York, the emporium of 
the United States, and a city which, for its age, may vie 
with any in the world, thus stands as compared with 
Toronto, 66 per cent, between 1840 and 1850, against 
95 per cent, of the latter. St. Louis, which had in 1850 
70,000 inhabitants, had increased it fifteen times since 
1820. Toronto had in 1850 increased hers eighteen 
times that of 1817. The population in Cincinnati was in 
1850, 115,590, or twelve times its amount in 1820 (thirty 
years before); and Toronto had in 1850 eighteen times 
its population in 1817 (or thirty-three years before). 

' " Nor is the comparative statement of cereal pro- 
duction less favourable. The growth of wheat is very 
nearly one-sixth of that of the whole Union ; of barley 
more than one-fourth; of oats one-seventh; and in all 
grain, exclusive of Indian corn, about one-sixth." ' 

i Oh, of course,' said Peabody, c they deserve great 
credit for all this, don't they ? They had great tracts of 
good land; emigrants came and settled there; the 
country grew, and the population increased. They 
couldn't help it, nohow they could fix it ; but naterally 
they are a slow conceiving, slow believing, slow increasing 
people when left to themselves. There ain't a smart city 
in Canada-.' 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 235 

1 What do you call a smart city ?' I asked, ' for I 
never heard the term before.' 

'Well, I'll tell you,' he said; 'I was goin' down the 
Mississippi oncet in a steamer, and the captain, who was 
a most gentlemanlike man, was a Mr. Oliver (I used to 
call Oliver Cramwell, he was such an everlastin' eater), 
and we passed a considerable of a sizeable town. Sais 
the captain to me, " Peabody," sais he, " that's a smart 
town, and always was. Ten years ago, when I was 
steward of a river boat, we wooded at this place, and 
there didn't seem to be any folk there, it looked so still : 
so as I walked down the street, I seed a yaller cotton oil 
coat a-hangin' out of a shop door : I tried it on, and it 
fitted me exactly, and as there was nobody there to 
receive the pay, I walked off, intending, of course, to pay 
for it next time I came that way. I. hadn't gone a few 
yards afore I was seized, had up afore the justice, tried, 
convicted, received thirty-nine lashes on my bare back, 
and, upon my soul, it was all done, and I was on board 
the steamer agin', in twenty minutes/' Now that's what 
I call a smart place. They han't got the go-ahead in 
them to Canada we have. Their lead hosses in the 
State team, their British governors, are heavy English 
cattle, with a cross of Greek and Latin, and a touch of 
the brewer's dray. They are a drag on the wheels, made 
of leaden links, that the colonists have to gild. The only 
airthly use they can be put to is to sink them at the mouth 
of a river in time of war, for they are the grandest ob- 
struction to a new country that ever was invented.' 

1 Pooh, Pooh,' said the Senator, ' don't talk nonsense. 
Such, Mr. Shegog, is this magnificent country, through 
which the proposed route to the Pacific is to pass from 
the Gulf of St. Lawrence, having a vast continuous chain 
of navigable waters from the Atlantic to the head of 



236 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Lake Superior. Four hundred and ten miles of steaming 
from the ocean, and you reach Quebec, the great seaport 
of Canada, with a large and increasing foreign commerce ; 
590 miles more bring you to Montreal. From thence 
seven canals of different lengths and great capacity, fitted 
for sea-going vessels, enable you to ascend 116 miles of 
river, and at 168 miles above Montreal, you are in Lake 
Ontario. Swiftly traversing this vast body of water, 
which is 180 miles long, you pass by the Welland Canal 
into Lake Erie, and thence through Lake St. Clair, and its 
river, into Lake Huron, 1,355 miles from your starting 
point, the entrance of the Gulf. By means of St. Mary's 
River, and a gigantic canal, you now enter Lake Su- 
perior (a fresh-water sea as large as Ireland, and the 
recipient of 200 rivers) which enables you to attain a 
distance of 2,000 miles from the mouth of the St. 
Lawrence. I do not speak of what may be, but what has 
been done. Vessels of large burden, built and loaded in 
Lake Superior, have traversed this entire route, and 
safely reached both London and Liverpool. 

1 Such is the navigable route to Lake Superior. There 
is nothing in England, or indeed in Europe, that can 
furnish by comparison an adequate idea of this great 
river, the St. Lawrence. Of its enormous tributaries I 
have not time even to enumerate the principal ones. I 
must refer you to maps and statistical works for fuller 
information. I shall only mention one, and that is the 
Ottowa — it falls into the St. Lawrence near Montreal. 
It drains with its tributaries a valley of 80,000 square 
miles, commanding the inexhaustible treasures of the 
magnificent forests of the north-west of Canada, that 
cover an area of six times the superficial extent of all 
Holland. One of the tributaries of this noble river, itself 
a tributary, the Gatenaux, is 750 miles long, and nearly 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 237 

as large as the Rhine, being 1,000 feet wide, 217 miles 
from its junction with the Ottowa. Imagine innumerable 
other rivers of all sizes downwards, to the limited extent 
of those in England, and you have an idea of the rivers of 
Canada.' 

'Lyman Boodle,' said Peabody, rising suddenly, and 
drawing himself up to his full height, ' Lyman Boodle, I 
like to see a feller stand up to his lick-log like a man, 
and speak truth and shame the devil. You are an 
American citizen, and we all have the honour of our great 
nation to maintain abroad. My rule is to treat a question 
I don't like as I treat a hill, if I can't get over it I go 
round it ; but catch me admitting anything on the surface 
of this great globe in rips, raps, or rainbows, or in the 
beowels of it, or the folks that live on it, to have anything 
better than what we have, or to take the shine off of us. 
Don't half that river St. Lawrence belong to us as well as 
them, and hain't we got the right to navigate from that 
half down to the sea ? Don't we own half of every lake as 
well as them, and all Huron besides ? Hain't we got 
the Mississippi, that runs up over two thousand miles right 
straight on eend, and only stops then because it is tired 
of running any farther ? and don't the Ohio fall into that, 
and, big as it is, seem only a drop in the bucket ? If 
you like it so much you had better go and settle there, 
give up being a senator, and sink down into a skunk of a 
colonist. I'd like to hear you talk arter that fashion to 
Michigan, and unless you wanted to excite people to board 
and take Canada, why they would just go and lynch 
you right off.' 

To give a turn to the conversation, which, on Mr. Pea- 
body's part, was becoming warm, I said, ' Has Canada 
the power to maintain itself against the United States V 



238 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

' I think,' he said, ' in the event of a war, in which our 
population was united, we should overrun it.' 

'Well done, Ly,' said his friend, slapping him cor- 
dially on the back, 'you are clear grit after all — you are 
a chip of the old American hickory block. Overrun it ! to 
be sure we should, and I should like to know who would 
stop us ? Why, we should carry it by boarding ; some we 
should drive into the sea, and some into the lakes, and the 
rest we should tree. If the telegraph ain't built afore 
then, the first news they'd get here would be that Canada 
is taken, the British flag hauled down, the goose and 
gridiron run up, damages repaired, prisoners down the 
hold, and all made ready for action agin. It would all 
be over directly — arrived — saw it — drew a bead on it, 
brought it down and bagged it. England would feel as- 
tonished as the squirrel was Colonel Crockett fired at 
when he didn't want to kill the poor thing. He drew on 
it, let go, and took its ear off so sharp and slick the 
critter never missed it till he went to scratch his head and 
found it was gone — fact, and no mistake.' 

' Yes,' said the Senator, not heeding the interruption, 
' we should overrun it, but whether we should be able to 
hold it is another matter ; perhaps not.' 

' Ah, there you ago again,' said Peabody, ' rubbin out 
with your left hand what you wrote on the slate with your 
right — you are on the other tack now ; I hope it is the 
short leg, at any rate.' 

' Mr. Shegog,' said the Senator, ' it is almost incredible 
how Canada has been neglected by this country. There 
is much truth mixed up with the extravagant talk of my 
eccentric friend here. I have reason to believe that the 
greatest possible, ignorance prevails in Downing street as 
respects this noble colony. It is inaccessible to ships in 
winter, and for mails all the year round. Would you 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 239 

believe it possible tbat all European and intercolonial 
mails pass through the United States to Canada, with the 
exception of a few that are sent to Quebec during the 
summer months by provincial steamers? There is no 
road from Nova Scotia or New Brunswick to Canada. 
We grant permission for the British mails to be sent 
there from Boston or New York, through our territory, 
but at a month's notice (or some very short period) this 
permission can be withdrawn, and Canada in such a case 
would be as unapproachable for a certain season as the 
interior of Africa. In a military point of view this state 
of things causes great uneasiness in the British provinces, 
and, I may add, to all discreet and right-thinking men 
also in the United States. If war were to be declared by 
us in the early part of November, not a soldier could be sent 
to the relief of Canada till May, nor any munitions of war 
conveyed thither for the use of the people, while their cor- 
respondence with the mother country would be ivholly 
suspended. This state of affairs is well known to our 
citizens, and the defenceless condition of the country in- 
vites attack from a certain restless portion of our popu- 
lation, consisting of European and British emigrants, to 
whom plunder has more allurements than honest labour. 
It is surprising that the lesson taught by the Crimean war 
has been so soon forgotten. You may recollect that 
during that anxious period the British Government 
wanted to withdraw a regiment of the line from Canada, 
and send it to Sebastopol, and also to draw upon the 
large munition of war accumulated at Quebec. The 
winter meanwhile set in, the naigationwas closed, and 
there were no means of transporting them to Halifax ; so 
they lost their services altogether. The artillery and 
other military stores were of still more consequence, and 
it was determined to send them by means of the railway 



240 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

(leased to an English company) to Portland, and thence 
ship them to their place of destination : but the question 
arose, whether they could legally be transported through 
our country, that was at peace with Russia at the time. 
The English Crown Officers were of opinion that they 
would be liable to seizure/ 

' And we are just the boys to seize them too/ said 
Peabody, ' for we are great respecters of law.' 

' Yes/ I replied, i when it happens to be in your 
favour.' 

' Stranger/ he said, ' you weren't born yesterday, that's 
a fact ; you cut your eye-teeth airly ; I cave in, and will 
stand treat. I am sorry they han't got the materials nor 
the tools for compounding here ; and Boodle is a tempe- 
rance man, and never drinks nothing stronger than 
brandy and whisky ; you shall have your choice, try 
both, and see which you like best.' 

' Peabody/ said the Senator, ' I wish you would not 
keep perpetually interrupting me in this manner — I al- 
most forget what I was talking about.' 

6 Smuggling ammunition and cannon through our 
great country/ said Peabody. 

' Ah/ continued the Senator, * the consequence was 
they could move neither troops nor military stores. This 
state of things, if suffered to continue, may cost Great 
Britain the most valuable colony she possesses.' 

' How/ I asked, ' do you propose to remedy it ?' 

' You are aware, sir/ he replied, ' that the great 
through line of railway in Canada is completed to a 
point about ninety miles below Quebec, called Trois Pis- 
toles ; an extension of this line for four hundred and fifty 
miles will connect it with the Nova Scotian line, and 
then there will be an uninterrupted railway from 
Halifax through New Brunswick and Canada to Lake 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 241 

Superior. This is the only link now wanting to complete 
the intercolonial communication. 

' If once constructed, Great Britain and her colonies 
will be independent of us for the transit of their mails, 
and the former will be relieved of the burden of main- 
taining a military force in Canada as a precautionary 
measure in time of peace. In twelve days a regiment 
may be conveyed from England to Halifax, and thence 
by railway to Quebec, accompanied by its baggage and 
stores ; and the very circumstance that the country can 
obtain such ready and efficient aid, will, of itself, put an 
invasion of Canada by us as much out of the question as 
a descent upon England itself. The three colonies of 
Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Canada, have severally 
undertaken to carry out this great national object, if aided 
in raising the funds under an imperial guarantee ; but 
the apathy with which it is viewed in Downing-street has 
almost exhausted the patience of the provincials, who feel 
that as colonists they are unable to obtain that loan, 
which, if they were independent, they could raise without 
difficulty. A feeling of dependence is not very congenial 
to the Anglo-Saxon mind ; but it is the worst policy 
in the world to make that dependence more galling 
than it naturally is. Commercially it is of the ut- 
most importance to the traders to have a safe and 
cheap mode of conveyance for themselves and their pro- 
ductions, and a new and extended field opened to them in 
the Lower Provinces for the exchange of their mutual 
commodities. At present we derive an enormous advan- 
tage from intercepting this trade, and directing it through 
canals and railways to various parts of our Union. While 
the British Government, are either indolently or wilfully 
negligent in promoting their own interests, our people are 
fully alive to the importance of monopolizing the trade of the 

M 



242 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

upper country. The navigable lakes above Canada are 
bounded by a coast of many thousand miles, connected by 
canals and railways from the Mississippi, Missouri, Illinois, 
Wabash, and Ohio rivers. Twenty American Railways are 
already in operation, leading from those rivers to Chicago, 
one of the largest exporting ports for food of every descrip- 
tion in the world. In addition to these, there are the 
great Erie Canal, extending to the Hudson River, the New 
York Central Railway, and that to Boston via Ogdens- 
burg, as well as several others. Now, you must recollect, 
that while all these works have been constructed for the 
express purpose of diverting the trade to us, the same 
routes furnish us with so many channels for transporting 
troops for the invasion of the country, to the different 
points at which they terminate. Now three things result 
from this state of affairs — First, we are in possession of 
your only mail route. Secondly, we divert the colonial 
trade to us, and thereby increase the interest the pro- 
vincials and ourselves feel in each other, and render 
annexation not a thing to be dreaded, but to be desired, 
as one of mutual advantage. Thirdly, our railways and 
canals afford every means of overrunning the country at a 
season of the year when it is inaccessible to you. The 
completion of the unfinished portion of the line between 
Nova Scotia and Canada is, therefore, a matter of vital 
importance, both in a military and commercial point of 
view, and when I consider that the British Government is 
not asked to do this at her own expense, but merely to 
assist by a guarantee the several provinces in raising the 
necessary funds, I am utterly at a loss to understand why 
she does not perceive that her duty and her interest alike 
demand it at her hands. The truth is, the Colonial Office 
is a dead weight on the Empire. Instead of facilitating 
and aiding the progress and development of the colonies, 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 243 

It deadens the energies and obstructs the welfare of the 
people. It is almost incredible that the Home Govern- 
ment actually subsidize two several lines of ocean steamers 
to run to Boston and New York, and convey hither their 
first-class emigrants, their mails, and their valuable 
merchandise, the first to swell our population, and the 
two latter to be first taxed and then conveyed by us to 
the boundary line ; while Canada is treated more like a 
foreign and rival country, and left to maintain steamers 
at her own cost as best she may. It is an undeniable fact 
that these ocean steamers have driven out of the field the 
passenger and freight ships that used to run to Quebec, 
and thereby diverted the stream of emigration from you 
to New York. Up to 1847, emigration had increased at 
Quebec to 95,000 against some 80,000 to New York, 
while in 1850 it had diminished to some 30,000 at the 
former, against an increase of 200,000 at the latter. 
The diminution of direct exportation from Quebec has 
also arisen from the circumstance of its having no outlet 
in winter. The Halifax Railway will supply this difficulty, 
and by its harmonious action at an early period make 
that capital the greatest city of the West. In summer 
it will possess the advantage of being 250 miles nearer 
Liverpool than New York, and in winter it can avail 
itself of Halifax harbour, which is also 300 miles nearer 
England than our empire city. How is it that a minister 
of state knows so little, and a colonist effects nothing?' 

' I'll tell you,' said Peabody, ' it's as plain as a boot- 
jack ; it's six of one, and half a dozen of the other ; one 
darsn't, and the other is afraid. One don't know what to 
do, and t'other don't understand how to do it nohow he 
can fix it. There was a feller came over here from Mon- 
treal, to complain that the Newfoundlanders, who are a 
set of donkeys (the Roman bishop there used to call them 

m2 



244 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

kings of the rabbits) had granted a monopoly of setting up 
telegraphs in the island to a Yankee company, whereby 
New York would get European news before the British 
provinces- So he goes to the Colonial Office, and asks 
for the Boss, to protest against this act getting the assent 
of the Queen. Well, the gentleman that tends the door 
made a gulp of a bit of bread and cheese that he was 
a-takin' of standing, told him his Lordship was in, and 
piloted him up, threw open the door, and said, "Mr. 
Smith, my Lord, from Madawisky." " Mad with whisky," 
said Lord, stepping back, and looking scared, " what does 
all this mean ?" ' ; Mr. Smith, from Madawisky," re- 
peated the usher. "Sit down, sir," said Lord (for he 
didn't half like a man who had " mad " and " whisky " to 
his name), "glad to see you, sir, how did you leave 
Doctor Livingstone ? had he reached the great inland 
lake beyond the desert, when you left him ?" " What 
lake?" said Colonist, looking puzzled, for he began to 
think minister was mad. " Why the Madawisky," said 
Peer, " I think you called it by some such name : I mean 
that lake in Africa, that Livingstone has discovered." "I 
am not from Africa," said poor Smith, looking sky- 
wonoky at him ; " I never was there in my life, and I never 
heard of Doctor Livingstone. I am from North America," 
and he was so conflustrigated he first turned red, and then 
white, and then as streaked as you please. " Oh ! North 
America is it ?" said the skipper, " well here is a map, 
show me where it is." Well, while he was looking for it, 
Lord stoops over him, and he ha' a great long ugly stiff 
beard, as coarse as a scrubbing brush, and it stuck straight 
out, like the short dock of a horse, he tickled him so with 
it, he nearly drove him into a conniption fit. " Oh ! now 
I see," said Lord, " pray what may your business be ?" 
So he ups and tells him about the Newfoundlanders, and 



— 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 245 

their telegraph, and Cape Race, and the Basin of Bulls, 
and so on. " Strange names," said Secretary, " I had no 
idea they had races there, and as for the other place, I 
have heard of the fat Bulls of Basan, but I never heard of 
the Basin of Bulls. That place must be inhabited by 
Irishmen, I should think," and then he laid back in his 
chair, and haw-hawed right out. Smith was awfully 
scared, he never sot eyes on a lord afore in all his born 
days, and expected to see some strange animal like a uni- 
corn, and not a common-looking man like him. He was 
wrothy too, for he thought he was a-quizzin' of him, and 
felt inclined to knock him down if he dared, and then he 
was so excited, he moved to the edge of his chair, and 
nearly tilted it and himself over chewallop. He got ner- 
vous, and was ready to cry for spite, when Lord said, 
" Show me where the Basin of Bulls is/' " Bay of Bulls,'' 
said Smith, kinder snappishly, and he rose, and pointed it 
out to him on the map, and as Lord stooped down again 
to look at it, he gives a twirl to his beard, that brushed 
across Smith's mouth and nostrils, and set him off* a 
sneezin' like anything. Then, from shame, passion, and 
excitement, off he went into the highstrikes, and laughed, 
sneezed, and cried all at once. They had to lead him 
out of the room ; and Lord said, 4 ' Don't admit that man 
again, he's either mad or drunk." Creation ! what a 
touss it made among the officials and underlings. Would 
you believe it now, Senator, that monopoly Act was passed 
by the Newfoundlanders, was approved by the Colonial 
Office, and did receive the Royal assent, just because the 
asses in Newfoundland found kindred donkeys in Downing- 
street ; so the interests of Great Britain and the North 
American colonies were sacrificed to the ignorance and 
negligence of this useless — nay, more than useless — ob- 
structive department.' 



246 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

' Good gracious !' said Mr. Boodle, ' what nonsense you 
do talk.' 

' I tell you it ain't nonsense,' said the other : ' President 
Buchanan told me so himself, the last hitch I was to Eng- 
land. He was our minister to St. Jim's at that time, and 
says he, " Peabody, how long do you think we would stand 
such a secretary in our great country ?" '* Jist about as 
long," I replied, " as it would take to carry him to the 
first sizable tree, near hand, and then lynch him." And 
now, Senator, don't you think all this insolence, and slack, 
and snubbing colonists get, comes from their not being so 
enlightened and independent as we are, nor so well edu- 
cated ?' 

' As regards education,' replied the Senator, c you will 
be surprised when I tell you that they have made better 
provision for instructing the rising generation than we our- 
selves. Of the social benefits to be derived by a nation 
from the general spread of intelligence, Canada has been 
fully aware, and there is not a child in the province 
without the means of receiving instruction, combined with 
moral training. In fact, the system of education now 
established there far exceeds in its comprehensive details 
anything of the kind in Great Britain. 

' In 1 842, the number of common schools in Upper 
Canada was 1,721, attended by 66,000 pupils ; and in 
1853, the number had increased to 3,127 schools, and 
195,000 pupils. There are now in the upper province, 
in addition to the above, eight colleges, seventy -nine 
county grammar schools, one hundred and seventy-four 
private, and three normal and model schools, forming a 
total of educational establishments in operation of 3,391, 
and of students and pupils 204,000. But to return to 
what I was saying when Mr. Peabody interrupted me, 
you may take what I now say as incontrovertible — 



OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 247 

* 1st. Transatlantic steamers, subsidized by Great 
Britain, should be in connexion with her own colonies, and 
especially Canada. 

* 2ndly. The completion of the Quebec and Halifax 
line of railway is of vital importance, both in a defensive 
and commercial point of view ; and any delay in finishing 
it may be productive of infinite mischief, if not of the loss 
of Canada. 

' 3rdly. As soon as possible, after this railway is 
finished (which will complete the line from Halifax to 
Lake Superior), immediate steps should be taken to 
provide a safe, easy, and expeditious route to Frazer's 
River, on the Pacific. Had such been now in existence, 
you never would have heard of the invasion of St. Juan, 
for an English force could leave Southampton on the 1st 
of November, and on the 16th of the same month arrive 
at Vancouver Island. An ounce of precaution is worth a 
pound of cure. But this is your affair, and not mine. 
I hope you will excuse the plain unreserved manner in 
which 1 have spoken. I have said what I really think, 
and given you as candid an opinion as I am able to 
form. 

' But it is now getting late, and as I feel somewhat 
fatigued I must retire. 5 

As the Senator left the room, Peabody put his finger to 
his nose, and whispered to me, ' Didn't I put him on his 
mettle for you beautiful ? He is a peowerful man that, 
but he wants the spur to get his Ebenezer up, and then 
the way he talks is a caution to orators, I tell you. Good 
night.' 



( 248 ) 



No. IX. 

THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 

Early the following morning, Colonel Mortimer called 
upon me, and proposed that we should visit the various 
objects of interest in and about the port of Southampton, 
and defer our departure for London to a later train in 
the afternoon. To those who think with me, that, no view 
can be perfect that does not include a considerable quantity 
of navigable water within it, Southampton presents great 
attraction. What, indeed, can be more beautiful than 
the prospect exhibited to the admiring eye of a stranger, 
as he approaches it from Basingstoke, embracing at once 
the town, a large portion of the New Forest, and the ex- 
tensive bay, protected by the Isle of Wight ? 

My old friend, Commodore Rivers, was our guide on 
this occasion. He was an enthusiastic admirer of the place 
(with every part of which he was well acquainted), and 
had many interesting anecdotes connected with it, which 
he told in his own peculiar style. As a seaman, the docks 
stood first in his estimation, not only for their utility, but 
for their beauty. Now this is a quality, I confess, I could 
never see in them, any more than in foot-tubs ; we may 
admire their magnitude, their usefulness, their wonderful 
construction and importance, but their beauty, if they 
have any, is discernible only to a nautical eye. On our 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 249 

way thither we passed the 'Great Carriage-building 
Factory ' of the late Mr. Andrews. 

' A clever man that, sir,' said the Commodore ; ' did a 
vast deal of good to the place, employed a great many 
hands, and was a hospitable and a popular man, too. He 
was three times Mayor of Southampton, and boasted that 
he was the greatest coach-builder in the kingdom. Says 
I to him one day — " Andy, how is it you build so cheap ?" 
" Come in, and take a glass of brandy and water with 
me," said he, " and I will tell you." And that,' remarked 
the Commodore, ' puts me in mind that I don't feel very 
well to-day. The last time I was at Alexander, in the 
Simla, I had a touch of cholera, and I have never been 
quite free from pain since ; I will just go on to the Royal, 
" above bar " here, and take a thimbleful neat, or, as 
More O'Ferrall used to call his whisky, " the naked truth.'" 
When he rejoined us, he continued : ' Andrews said, " I 
will tell you, Commodore, the secret of my success. I first 
took the hint from you." " From me," says I ; " why I know r 
nothing about any wheel in the world but a paddle-wheel, 
and that is built with floats, not spokes, and has an axle, 
but no hob ; or a helm to steer by, that makes a vessel 
turn round, but not go ahead. How could I know any- 
thing about coach-building ?" " Why," says he, " I 
caught the idea from a story you once told me of the 
black preacher." " Oh, I remember it !" said I ; "he 
was one of the 'mancipated niggers in Jamaica, that was 
too lazy to work, so he took to itinerant preaching. When 
he returned from one of his circuits, as he used to call 
them (for his old master was a lawyer), he was asked what 
he got for his day's work. ' Two-and-sixpence,' said he. 
' Poor pay,' replied his friend, s it ain't as much as I get 
for hoeing cane.' * Yes. Pompey,' he said, ' it is poor 
pay, but reck'lect, it's berry poor preachin' I gibs 'em, 

m3 



250 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

berry poor, indeed ; for I can't gib 'em Latin or Greek 
as church minister does, and I can't talk die (dictionary) 
— niggers is always berry fond ob what dey can't under- 
stand. When I can't 'swade 'em, I frittens 'em — dat is 
de great art, and white preacher don't always understand 
de natur ob coloured folks. Now, Pompey, dere is one 
natur ob nigger, and one natur of Massa Buckra. You 
can't scare our people by telling 'em dey'll go to berry 
hot place if dey is sinners, for no place is too hot for 
dem dat sleep on pillow of hot roasted sand in de 
broilin heat ob day, wid dere faces turned up to it, like a 
sun-flower. I scare dem by cold : I talk ob frozen ribbers 
dat dey must walk on barefoot, and ob snow drifts, and 
ob carryin' great junks ob ice on dere bare heads for eber 
and eber, like discharging cargoes of Yankee ice from 
Boston vessels, which kills more ob dem dan yaller fever. 
I can't talk book larnin', 'cause I can't read ; nor eber- 
lastin' long words, 'cause I can't pronounce 'em. But I 
fritten dem to death amost, so dey call me " Old Scare 
Crow." Yes, half a dollar a day is poor pay, but I 
must 'fess it's berry poor preachinV Is that the story 
you mean?" a Yes," says Andrews, "that's the story; 
' poor pay, poor preaching,' started the idea in my mind 
of 'cheap work, cheap price.' Now I won't say I charge 
low because my work is indifferent, for it is very good 
for the price ; but I don't build my vehicles to last for 
ever — that is the grand mistake of the trade. In a gene- 
ral way, carriages outlive what is called 'all the go,' 
though they are as good as ever for wear after they become 
unpresentable. Old coaches don't suit new bonnets, fine 
birds must have new cages, a coat is of no use after it is 
too long or too short waisted, or too high or too low in the * 
collar, however good it is ; it is then only fit for the Jew's 
bag, or for Rag fair. I build my traps to last as long as the 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 251 

fashion does, it saves labour and material, and suits both 
buyer and seller. Then I take my pay generally by 
three annual instalments, which is an investment of two 
thirds of the capital at five per cent." 

' It's a pity that the trade hadn't his honesty, and 
talked truth and sense as he did. Poor man ! he died of 
a broken heart, he never held up his head after Palmer- 
ston jockeyed him out of his election. The grand mis- 
take Andrews made, was, he forgot who greased Ms wheels, 
turned against the aristocracy who made him what he 
was, and joined the Radicals, who, my washerwoman de- 
clares, are not " carriage people." He didn't know what 
you and I do, that the Whigs use the Radicals to get 
into power, and then, in their turn, forget who greased 
their wheels for them/ 

6 1 was not in the country at the time,' I said, ' and do 
not know to what you allude — what is the story ?' 

' Why,' said the Commodore, 6 Andrews heard that the 
Government was using its influence in the Southampton 
election for the Whig candidate who started in opposition 
to him. So he wrote to Palmerston, for whom he had 
fought through thick and thin, to ask him if it was true. 
What does his lordship do, but instead of answering his 
question, writes back in his usual supercilious way, 
" Since you ask my opinion, I think you had better stay at 
home and mind your own business." You never heard 
such a row as that kicked up at Southampton, in all your 
life. The Tories crowed, and said, " sarved him right ;" 
the Whigs laughed, and said he might know something of 
the spring of a carriage, but not of the springs of 
government ; and the Radicals threw up their hands in 
disgust, and said they could do nothing without court 
cards. 

' It's astonishing what gamblers these fellows are, they 



252 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

always expect the knave to be turned up trumps. Poor 
Andrews ! he was never the same man arterwards. I 
used to try to rally him, for he was a good-hearted fellow 
as ever lived, though he was a Radical. " Andy/' I used 
to say to him, " you see you have been chucked over, my 
boy, to lighten the ship : you are what we call at sea a 
'jutsum,' but bouse up the mainstay, and have pluck 
enough to be a' floatsum ;' hold on by your eyelids, you'll 
come ashore safe yet, and then show fight, and we will all 
vote for you, because you have been ill-used." But it 
was no good. Then I tried him on another tack. Says 
I, " Did you ever hear, my old friend, of a tarantula ?" 
« No," says he, "I never did— what is it?" "Why," 
says I, "it is a great big speckle- bellied spider, that is 
common in the Mediterranean countries. Captain 
Inglesby, the great Conservative here, calls it a Whig, 
for it turns on its own small fry if they cross its path, 
snaps them right up, and lives on 'em. Its bite, if not 
attended to, is said to be certain death. When an Italian 
is stung by one of these creatures, he sends for musicians, 
and dances and sings till he falls down exhausted on the 
floor, it's the only cure in nature there Jus for it. Now, 
cheer up ! you have been bit by a tarantula ; and so 
was Inglesby himself once at the Admiralty, and he 
capered and hopped about like a shaking Quaker, till the 
pison was thrown off by perspiration." 

' But it was no go, Andrews shook his head — " My 
wheels is locked," said he, " I can never see the pole of 
a carriage again without thinking of the poll at the hust- 
ings, or how can I make seats for others, who have lost 
my own ? It's bootless to complain, and it's all dickey 
with me now." And so on, and he tried to laugh and 
joke it off; but Pam had put the leak into him, and he 
felt the water gaining on him ; so he just drifted away 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 253 

towards home and foundered, and it was the last time I 
ever saw him. 

' Poor fellow ! I lost a great friend in him, and so 
did Southampton too, I can tell you. But as Inglesby 
said to me one day (and there ain't a more sensible man 
in this place than he is), " Rivers," said he, " his life and 
death ought to be a warning to Radicals who volunteer 
for the forlorn hope, die in the breach, and open the way 
for the Whigs to enter, gain the victory, and bag all the 
prize money. What," said he, " did the party ever do 
for Joe Hume, who fought their battles for them with the 
Tories ? Why, they sent his picture to his wife, and then 
raised a paltry subscription for a lying monument to 
himself — one made him handsomer, and the other a greater 
man than he was. They paid him in flattery, a cheap 
coin, like Gladstone's adulterated halfpenny that passes 
for more than it's worth. Yes, and when they had done 
these two paltry acts, one of their wittiest members said, 
' We have now paid our debt of gratitude to this eminent 
man, and the "tottle of the hull" (and he mimicked his 
Scotch accent to please the Irish) is, we ought, from 
respect to so great an economist, not to ask for a stamped 
receipt." ' 

' Curious world, this, Mr. Shegog,' continued the Com- 
modore, 'this country is fooJed in a way no other nation 
of the world is. Yesterday I dined on board of yonder 
man-of-war, the captain of which I knew at Balaclava, and 
we were talking over old times and the present state of 
things. Says he, " Rivers, what a muddle the Whigs made 
of the Russian war — didn't they ? and what a mess they will 
make of it again, if we should ever have a set-to with 
France. I can't think this country would trust them in such 
a case ; but if they do, depend upon it we are lost for ever. 
We don't want tricksters, but men of honour and men of 



254 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

pluck. We require the right man in the right place — a 
thorough-going Englishman is the only one that is fit to 
stand at the helm in such a crisis as the present. The Whigs 
rely on Conservative votes to defend them against the great 
Liberals, and on the support of the Radicals, because they 
outbid the Tories. They play off one against the other : 
and though hated and distrusted by both, they win the 
game, for their trumps are all marked, and they ain't 
above looking into the hands of their adversaries. There 
are three parties in this country — Conservatives, Whigs, 
and Radicals. The Whigs are the weakest and smallest, 
but they cheat at cards, and come off winners. Talk of 
Lord Derby being in a minority — so he was, by half a 
dozen ; but that was a minority of the whole house. The 
Whigs are nowhere, they are numerically so few, but by 
good tactics, they so manage matters as to govern the 
country by a minority that is actually less than either of 
the other parties." 

' I agree with him entirely,' said the Commodore, 
' though I couldn't express it as well as he did. But 
here we are at the docks. Beautiful docks, these, sir, as 
you will see anywhere, and lovely craft in them, too — 
ain't they ?' 

' Do you mean those beautiful young ladies on the 
quay ?' I said. ' For if you do, I am of the same opinion 
— they are the best specimens of English girls I have seen 
since my return.' 

' Ah,' he continued, ' go where you will, sir, where will 
you see the like of Englishwomen ? I am an old man 
now, but I have a good eye for " the lines," as we call them 
in a ship. Beautiful models, ain't they ? real clippers ; 
it's impossible to look on 'em without loving 'em. Poor 
dear things ! how many of them I have had under my 
charge afore now, taking them to Lisbon, Gibraltar, or 



: 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 255 

Malta, or to Alexander, to go to the East. I could tell you 
many very queer and some very sad stories about some of 
my lady passengers that I took out with me in the Penin- 
sular and Oriental steamers. Some don't go out, but are 
ent out to India to try their fortune ; others are engaged 
by letter to old friends they had once known at home, who 
had offered to them through the post-office, and were ac- 
cepted. They often changed their minds on the way out 
(for a quarter-deck is a famous place for love-making), 
and got married in the Mediterranean. I will give you 
the histories of some of them one of these days. 

' Now, ain't these splendid docks ? They were incorpo- 
rated in 183b', and have a space allotted to them of 208 
acres. The quay line extends 4,200 feet. There are 
two portions, one enclosing sixteen acres, having eighteen 
feet of water at the lowest tides, with gates 150 feet wide ; 
and the other, a close basin for ships to deliver their 
cargoes afloat. It is one of the noblest establishments of 
the kind in Europe ; and all this has sprung up from our 
Peninsular and Oriental Line using the port, which has 
been the making of Southampton. It was here that 
Canute sat in his arm-chair, to show his courtiers (after 
he gave up drinking and murder) that though he was a 
mighty prince, he could not control the advance of the 
sea.' 

' Well,' I said, * what Canute could not do, your 
Dock Company has accomplished. It has actually 
said to the sea, " Thus far shalt thou go, and no farther ;" 
and the waves have obeyed the mandate.' 

' They tell me,' said Rivers, ' that this has always been 
a noted place for expeditions to sail from, and for our 
enemies to attack. It was sacked in Edward the Third's 
time ; and the son of the King of Sicily lost his life while 
plundering it. Henry the Fifth rendezvoused here, for 



256 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

the invasion of France ; and it's my belief that these 
Johnny Crapauds, some foggy day or dark night, will pay 
us a visit from Cherbourg. If they do, I hope they 
won't fire a gun from the forts till every ship has got 
inside ; and then we'll let them know, that those who 
licked them at the Nile have left behind them children 
that can thrash them as well as their fathers did. The 
breed hasn't run out, 1 can tell you. But it is time to 
move on. Let us go now to Netley Abbey ; it is only 
three miles from the town !' 

' What a beautiful ruin !' I exclaimed, when we reached 
the lovely spot ; ' I could linger here for hours. What a 
place to meditate in ; to give licence to the imagination ; 
and to endeavour to realize it as it was in the olden time !' 

' It is like an old man,' said the Commodore, ' venera- 
ble for its age, and noble even in its dilapidations ; but it 
don't do to inquire too closely into its past life. If you 
had seen such places as I have on the Continent, peopled 
as they now are, and in the way that this once was, it 
would knock all the romance out of you, I can tell you. 
If these abbeys had been in the same hands, and conti- 
nued in full occupation of the Church to this day, Eng- 
land would have remained stationary too. If Netley 
Abbey had continued as it was, so would Southampton 
(or Hanton, as it was then called). Poets and artists may 
have the abbey all to themselves, if they like ; but give 
me the docks ! I dare say it does make a good drawing ; 
but to my mind a bill of exchange, or a cheque on Coutts', 
or Childs', is the prettiest drawing in the world. The 
docks feed more men than all the abbeys and monasteries 
in this part of England put together ever did ; but if you 
intend to go up by the afternoon train, it is time for you 
to think of returning. We must finish our tour of in- 
spection some other day.' 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 257 

On reaching the Southampton station, there was such a 
crowd of passengers that our party could not all be ac- 
commodated in one carriage, and we severally seized 
upon any vacant seats we could find. I thus became 
separated from my friends of the previous evening, and 
found myself among a party returning to Winchester, 
who had been to see the Great Eastern, whose merits and 
defects they discussed in that decided and satisfactory 
manner which those who have never seen a vessel before 
are alone competent to do. They were quite unanimous 
in their opinion that, when resting on the top of two waves, 
she would break asunder in the centre, collapse, and 
founder ; or, that if by any chance, while leaping like a 
kangaroo from one mountain wave to another, she should 
fail to reach 'the preceding one, she would inevitably 
plunge head foremost into the intervening gulf, and 
vanish from sight altogether ; that she would either pitch 
into the waves, or the waves would pitch into her, and that 
as her model was that of an egg, if she had ever the misfor- 
tune to be in a rolling sea, she would certainly roll over ; 
although it was very doubtful whether her flat deck would 
permit her to come up again on the other side. A young 
lawyer, of a poetical turn of mind, amused the party by 
declaring she would in that case make an excellent sub- 
marine palace for Neptune ; and expressed his determi- 
nation, if she ever foundered, and her exact position 
could be ascertained, to visit her in a diving-bell. He 
hoped, he said, to be present at the first ball given by his 
marine majesty to the sea-nymphs of his court, and the 
young mermaid ladies, of whose luxuriant hair and ex- 
traordinary beauty so much had been said and sung- 
He grew quite animated on the subject — ' Only think,' 
he said, * of John Dory swimming through a quadrille 
with Miss Ann Chovy, giving his neighbour a flip on the 



258 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

shoulder, and saying, " Stir, John, your fins, and give us 
a Highland fling." ' He was of opinion that of flat fish 
there would, as a matter of course, be as many as in other 
courts, and cross old crabs too. Common plaices, he was 
sure, would be in abundance, as well as ' good old soles.' 
Bloaters, the aldermen of the sea, enjoy good eating, and 
are sure to be found at civic feasts. ' What a glorious 
thing,' he exclaimed, ' it would be to hear a real syren 
sing ; wouldn't it ?' 

' I suppose,' said the young lady with a wicked smile, 
* that sharks, like lawyers, would also be plentifully there, 
seeking whom they could devour. But pray tell me,' she 
continued, ' do you believe in mermaids ?' 

i Do you believe in mermen ?' replied the barrister, 
'because, you know, there can't be one without the 
other.' 

' If that is the case,' she said, 'I do. A merman 
must be a lawyer -like creature ; an amphibious animal, 
neither fish nor flesh — at once, a diver and a dodger. 
But really now, and without joking, do you believe there 
are such things or beings as mermaids ?' 

' Why not ?' replied the young lawyer, who bore the 
allusions to his profession with great good-humour — 
' Why not ?' A beaver, you know, is an animal, and a 
most clever and ingenious one too ; an engineer, and 
builds a dam to make an artificial lake ; an architect, 
and designs a house ; a carpenter competent to build, 
and a mason, to plaster it ; and yet the tail of the 
beaver is a fish's tail : has scales on it like a fish ; and 
requires to be kept continually submerged in water. 
Why shouldn't a mermaid be a link between us and 
fishes in the same way that a beaver is between animals 
and them ?' 

' I didn't ask,' the young lady retorted, with some 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 259 

warmth, ' why such creatures should not be, but whether 
you believe they really do exist.' 

* Well/ he said, affecting to look wise, ' not having 
seen, I don't know ; and not knowing, I can't say ; but 
their existence appears to me to be as well authenticated 
as that of the sea-serpent. Hundreds of people declare 
they have seen the latter, among whom is a captain in the 
Royal Navy ; and Mr. Grattan, in his recent work on 
America, states, that all his family beheld the marine 
monster from their window at the inn at Nahant, in Mas- 
sachusetts Bay, as plainly as they saw the water, or the 
ships in the harbour. Now, Miss Mackay, the daughter 
of a Scotch clergyman, the minister of Reah, in the North 
of Scotland, whose letter is preserved in the Annual 
Register, declared on oath that she and four other persons 
had the pleasure of contemplating a mermaid for a whole 
hour, while disporting itself within a few yards of them, 
for their particular instruction and amusement. It was 
so near that they saw the colour of its eyes and hair ; and 
she describes it most minutely : says she was particularly 
struck with its long taper fingers, lily-white arms, and 
magnificent neck and bust. This mermaid was, most 
probably, crossed in love, for it often placed its hand 
under its alabaster cheek, and floated pensively and 
thoughtfully on the water. So you see its existence is as 
well authenticated as that of the sea-serpent.' 

'Then you believe in them both?' asked the young 
lady. 

' No, indeed,' he replied, ' I do not. Professor Owen 
has proved that they not only do not, but that they can- 
not exist.' 

' Well, I don't thank him,' rejoined the young lady, 
4 for his demonstration. I like to believe in sea-serpents, 
and mermaids, and ghosts, and dreams, and all that sort 



260 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

of thing ; it excites and thrills me. I wouldn't give up 
the Arabian Nights 1 Entertainments for all the wise books 
Professor Owen ever wrote, or ever will write in his life. 
Now, there is that legend about Netley Abbey — perhaps 
it may be an invention, if you come to criticise it and ask 
for proof; but still it is a pretty little antiquarian story, 
and I like to believe it ; J don't want to be undeceived. 
There is a moral attached to it, showing that consecrated 
ground cannot be desecrated with impunity.' 

4 1 am not aware,' said the lawyer, ' to what you allude ; 
but recollect 1 never believe any thing that is not proved.' 

'No,' she said, 'nor do you believe it when it is. 
Smethurst, you know, was found guilty of murder, so 
thought the judge, so thought the jury, and so did the 
public ; but Sir Cornewall Lewis said, " If you call that 
man guilty of poisoning the body, what will you say of 
agitators who have poisoned the minds of the public ? 
One is as innocent as the other, for no noxious drug can 
be found in the stomach of the one, or the brain of the 
other ;" that, I suppose, you will call Home- Office logic ; 
won't you ?' 

' Uncommon good,' said the lawyer ; ' but what is the 
tradition of Netley Abbey, that you wish to believe, if you 
can ?' 

' Well,' she said, ' Netley Abbey, about the beginning 
of the last century, was sold by Sir Bartlett Lacy to a 
Quaker builder, who had bought it for the purpose of 
using its materials in the way of his trade. Shortly after- 
wards, the purchaser had a dream that he was taking 
down the arch over the east window, when the keystone 
fell upon him and killed him. He related this dream to 
the celebrated Dr. Isaac Watts, who was a native of 
Southampton, and, though a dissenter, was educated by 
a Churchman, and attached to the Establishment. When 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 261 

he heard of his dream, he advised him not to have any 
thing to .do with the demolition of this house of the Lord. 
The Quaker, however, ridiculed the idea of consecrated 
ground, as his successors, Bright and others, have since 
done, and while proceeding to take down the building, a 
stone from the east window fell upon him, and killed him. 
Netley Abbey still stands, but what would it have been 
without this tradition? Now, I like this little legend ; it 
is charming, and I strive to believe it. The removal of 
the body of St. Swithin (who is our patron saint at Win- 
chester) amid continued rains, gave rise to the popular 
story or prejudice, that should St. Swithin's day, the 15th 
of July, be wet, it will rain for forty days consecutively. 
I dare say you laugh at all this ; but I wish to think it 
true ; and, what is mo e, half the world believes in it. If 
I gave that up, pray what have you to give me in its place 
for a creed ? It is safer and pleasanter to believe too 
much than too little. For instance, what a delightful 
thing it is to think we are under the protection of invisible 
agents ! depend upon it, it has a beneficial influence on the 
mind. Who would wish to be without a guardian angel — 
would you ?' 

4 No, indeed,' he said, with an admiring and affectionate 
look, 'but I like a visible one, not spiritual, but sub- 
stantial ;' and then he continued in an under tone, ' such 
a one I know, and almost worship, but the worst of it is, 
I believe I am more afraid of her than I should be of one 
from the other world. When I attempt to address her, 
and entreat her to take me under her guardianship, the 
words die ere they pass my lips,' [the young lady hung 
her head and blushed,] ' I stare, stammer, and look and 
feel like a fool.' 

'What a coward you are!' she replied, giving him a 
look of encouragement that invited confidence ; ' I should 



262 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

have thought that a lawyer like you, who advocates the 
causes of others, would be eloquent when pleading his own. 
If you cannot speak, surely you can write. But, dear 
me ! here we are at Winchester/ 

What an opportunity was thus lost ! He had evidently 
screwed himself up to the point, when his speech and his 
journey were thus unexpectedly brought to an end. 
They both appeared loath to depart and to separate, but 
time and trains wait for no one. 

This party had hardly left the carriage before their 
seats were filled by the ladies with whom I had travelled 
the preceding day, and I heard the word ' Shegog,' 
accompanied by a titter, repeated again among the young 
ladies as they recognized me as ' the man with the funny 
name,' who had travelled with them the day before. 

' Ah,' said the elder lady, apparently resuming a con- 
versation that had been interrupted by the stoppage of 
the train, ' it was an extraordinary scene, and one I can 
never forget.' 

4 To what scene do you allude, Aunt,' asked one of her 
young companions. 

' The annual election for the admission of idiots into 
the asylum. It was held in the London Tavern, in 
October last, and I attended it with a friend. As we 
ascended the stairs, of which there were three or four 
flights, printed placards were fastened to the walls, and 
even tied all round the hand-rail of the stairs. They 
consisted of earnest recommendations of the various dis- 
tressing cases — " Vote for A. B., aged thirteen years, 
parents dead, supported by an aged grandfather, who is 
now out of work." — " Your vote is earnestly entreated 
for C. D., Father dead, Mother keeps a mangle." And 
so on, up to one hundred and thirty-two equally afflicting 
cases, of which only twenty could be admitted into the 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 263 

asylum on this occasion. When we reached the election 
room, it was covered with at least a hundred small tables, 
some of which exhibited two placards, others only one, 
similar to those on the staircase. At these tables were 
seated the friends of the different unhappy candidates, for 
the purpose of receiving and collecting votes and proxies, 
which from time to time were transmitted to the polling 
officers at the upper end of the room. Bat the touters 
played a prominent part in this strange scene, and their 
language sounded very extraordinary to my uninitiated 
ears. "I want twenty idiots," said one, "have you any 
to spare ? I'll give you twenty infant orphans for them." 
" No, I want a hundred idiots myself." "Well, I'll tell 
you what I will do, I'll lend you ten idiots if you can 
give me fifteen indigent blind." " Done ! write out an 
I O U, and Til sign it, and give me the idiots at once." 

' One of the most touching incidents was a poor, dear 
little deaf and dumb child, perambulating the room with 
a relative, soliciting votes for her own admission into a 
Deaf and Dumb Asylum, by talking with her fingers. I 
think she was one of the most beautiful and interesting 
little creatures I ever beheld. The election continued 
from twelve till two o'clock; I did not wait to see its 
close, but as the time drew near for its termination, tears 
of disappointment and distress were visible in the eyes of 
the friendless and unsuccessful poor. 

' It is an excellent institution, but, like many others in 
this charitable country, is susceptible of improvement in 
its management. For instance, I think the poor idiots, 
when once admitted, should be maintained through life, 
instead of being liable to dismissal, unless re-elected at 
the end of every five or seven years. But none of these 
suffering people gave vent to their grief as Lady Sarah 
did this morning. " Oh, Martha," she said, as she burst 



264 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

into my room, " this is a dreadful business. Lord Pole- 
bury is quite dead, Lady Middleton as black and soft as 
if she had been boiled, and Prince Frederick William 
will never recover ! What terrible destruction !" ' This 
observation seemed to wake up an elderly gentlemen from 
a reverie in which he was indulging. He was evidently 
a clergyman, and of that class, too, which commends itself 
to our affection by its total exemption from party badges 
of any kind. He was attired neither in the distinctive 
dress of the High, nor Low Church party, but habited like 
a parson of the old school. His manner and general 
appearance indicated the gentleman, while his placid 
countenance and expansive forehead exhibited at once 
benevolence and intelligence. He looked like an ingenu- 
ous and simple-minded man, clever, but not acute ; a 
man of God, but not a man of the world : in short, it was 
impossible to look upon him without seeing who and what 
he was. 

'Is it the cholera, Madam?' said he, in great alarm; 
' what is the cause of this sad and sudden mortality ¥ 

' Frost,' replied the lady, who seemed to think her com- 
panion was not quite sane. ' Frost, sir ; it has ruined 
the gardens for the year. Even the chrysanthemums are 
all injured.' 

' Oh,' he said, with great apparent relief, ' is that all V 

'You would not say that, sir, if you were fond of a 
flower garden. I cannot conceive a greater infliction in 
its way. After you have spent all the winter and spring 
in planning out your garden, arranging the edgings, 
inventing ribbons, producing effects, and harmony of 
colours, having worried through the labours of planting 
out, and settled which are to occupy the same bed' — here 
a slight smile passed over his reverence's face, as if 
he was amused at her excitement, or her phraseology ; 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 265 

but he instantly repressed it, and she proceeded without 
noticing it) — * having fought and conquered your gar- 
dener, vanquished slugs, overcome drought, checked 
thrips and caterpillars, removed the dead and dying, and 
supplied their places, producing thereby a blaze of 
beauty ; after having satisfied your own critical taste, 
and astonished and delighted your friends, to find on 
waking some fine sunshiny morning, that a frost, like that 
of last night, had destroyed it. Oh, sir, you wouldn't say, 
" is that all ?" It precipitates the winter : it is sudden 
death. Dying, falling leaves are enough to try the 
patience of any floriculturist in the world. Sweep, sweep, 
sweep, and still the lawn is untidy ; every puff of wind 
scatters them like flakes of snow ; but that,' — she re- 
marked, with a supercilious toss of her head, which 
showed that she had not forgotten his exclamation, ' is 
that all ' — ' but that, 1 suppose, you will say, is the order 
of nature, and if they add to our labours, their variegated 
hues, ere they fall, contribute also to the beauty of the 
scene. But, sir, an early and unexpected frost, like that 
we have just experienced, brings death and destruction to 
plants, and is indeed a calamity that requires a large 
stock of philosophy to bear.' 

' I can easily understand your feelings, madam,' said 
her clerical friend, * for I am very fond of gardening 
myself; it is an innocent, an interesting, and instructive 
pursuit. When you spoke of Lord Polebury being dead, 
and Lady Middleton in extremis, I took it literally, and 
not in reference to geraniums and verbenas. I beg your 
pardon for the mistake ; but at the time I was thinking of 
something else, and the suddenness of the remark, though 
not addressed to me, startled me ; for his Lordship, 
though deficient in judgment, means well, and is, I believe, 
a very good man. His zeal is without knowledge, and 

N 



266 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

not always tempered with discretion ; but his energies are 
directed to laudable objects, and he would be a serious 
loss to the country.' He then discussed the respective 
merits of all the varieties of roses, calceolarias, dahlias, 
&c, &c, in a manner that showed he was quite a master 
of the subject. ' Yes,' he said, s I can well sympathize 
with you, madam, in the destruction occasioned by the 
frost of last night ; but it is emblematical of that death 
which terminates all our fondest hopes and dearest affec- 
tions. Everything reminds us of this invariable law of 
nature, whether it be gradual decay or sudden destruc- 
tion.' 

' Oh, yes,' she said, ' we know that ; but still it is no 
less vexatious. I lost all my wall-fruit this spring by a 
late frost, and now our flowers are all destroyed by an 
early one. It is very easy to say, " is that all?" but you 
little know the truth of your statement. " It is all," fruit 
and flowers together ; what is there left worth having, 
when you are deprived of both ? and you must excuse me 
for saying it is not the law of nature ; if it was, we 
should provide against it, or submit to it with patience. 
It is an unexpected irregularity that makes it so vex- 
atious.' 

He bowed civilly to her, but went on, without replying 
to her testy observations — ' The laws of the seasons are 
not immutable ; and yet there is no reason, because #11 is 
transitory here below, why we should not interest our- 
selves in everything around us. The garden survives 
many more active pursuits, and furnishes occupation and 
amusement at a period of life when excitement ceases to 
minister to our pleasures. Flowers are the gift of God ; 
and His infinite wisdom, goodness, and power, are as 
discernible in them as in the stars that glitter in the 
firmament — they both delight and instruct us. In their 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 267 

fragrance and beauty, they are emblems of purity, and in 
their decay and vernal reappearance, they are typical of a 
resurrection. It is a conviction of this nature that has 
induced mankind from the earliest period to plant them 
on the graves of their departed friends.' 

* Then,' said the lady, pointing to the cemetery at 
Woking, with a mingled feeling of pique and civility, 
' that place, I should suppose, is one that would excite 
the most agreeable and tender thoughts in your mind.' 

' No,' he said, * I approve of it, but I do not admire it. 
It is a necessary provision for the relief of a metropolis 
like London, or any other large city, for intramural 
burials are found to be destructive of health ; but they 
fail to attract us like the old rural churchyards to which 
we and our forefathers have been accustomed. The more 
you decorate them, the more repulsive they become. 
Rare exotic trees, and shrubs, gay flowers, and the 
tricks of landscape gardening are not in keeping with the 
place. We forget that we are wandering through the 
city of the dead, the last resting-place of mortality; and 
yet there is something in the tombs, urns, and tablets 
around us, that destroys the illusion of ornamental plea- 
sure-grounds. It is neither a burial-place, nor a garden : 
it is too gay and smiling for the one, and too lonely and 
melancholy for the other. Our reflections are diverted 
by the gaudy parterres, and our enjoyments destroyed by 
the mementoes of death. Bridal flowers decorate the 
tomb ; and headstones, with learned or rustic inscriptions, 
label the rhododendrons and azaleas. These cemeteries 
are in most cases too distant to be visited by the relations 
and friends of the poor ; and in all countries the affections 
of the heart are more intense and more durable where the 
soil is not sufficiently rich to force up luxuriant weeds to 
choke their growth. In the great estuary of an over- 

n2 



268 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

grown city like London, men are drawn into the vortex of 
a whirlpool, in which they disappear, and are forgotten 
for ever. People are too busy to think, and where there 
is no reflection there is no feeling. The grave receives 
the body, and the cemetery engulfs the grave. Death is 
an incident — food and shelter, a necessity. Grief is, 
therefore, a luxury that is denied to poverty. All are in 
the current at the same time, and self-preservation leaves 
but little opportunity to watch the struggles or disap- 
pearance of others. No; the cemetery has no attraction 
for me. Its gaudy decorations are not in keeping, and do 
not harmonize with a widow's weeds, or the mourning of 
orphans or parents. But there is something in the dear 
old rural churchyard that has an indescribable effect on 
me. My earliest recollections are connected with it ; my 
thoughtless childhood was first awakened to a sense of 
mortality by the mournful processions that repaired 
thither, and the sad and lonely visits of those, who, 
bereaved of their relatives, poured forth their sorrows and 
affections over the graves of those they had loved, so well. 
The churchyard has a moral effect on the mind ; it 
suggests to us the frail and uncertain tenure of our own 
lives ; it bids us prepare to follow our departed friends, 
to emulate their virtues, and to fix our hopes on a re- 
union in a better and happier world. It is, besides, the 
greeting-place of the villagers and parishioners, where 
their mutual afflictions receive mutual sympathy, where 
the voice of discord is unknown, and "the short and 
simple annals of the poor " are registered in the memory 
of those who will deliver them as traditions to succeeding 
generations. The place has a holy and a salutary 
influence that prepares the congregation for entering the 
sacred edifice, in which as children they were brought to 
the baptismal font, and made members of the Church of 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 269 

God. All these incidents and accessories of a rustic 
churchyard do not exist in a cemetery. The "Dead 
Train " at once distracts your attention and appals you, 
as an evidence of great mortality. The number of corpses, 
like those on a battle-field, attest the awful contest be- 
tween life and death that continually rages in the city ; 
but the heart becomes hardened by the daily spectacle, 
and the gaudy appearance of the place withdraws your 
attention from the moral it should suggest. Grief seeks 
seclusion ; and though it may be alleviated by the 
presence and affectionate sympathy of sorrowing friends, 
it instinctively shrinks from the public gaze. 

' The speed of a railway is so unlike the slow and 
measured tread of the rustic procession, one cannot but 
feel that it bears too strong a resemblance to the ordinary 
business of life ; while the short and hurried sepulture, 
and the rapid departure of the mourners, gives the affair 
more the appearance of the embarkation, than the burial 
of a relative. The graves are seldom visited again — time 
and expense, in most instances, deprive the poor of even 
this sad consolation — and they are compelled to regard 
the loss of a deceased friend in the light of one who lies 
buried in a foreign land. As I have before said, the 
affections of the poor are more intense and more durable 
than those of the rich, because they are more dependent 
upon each other. They have but few to love them, and 
of those few not one can be spared, without the rupture 
of many ties. These distant cemeteries are grievous 
affairs to them, I assure you, and it is only those who, 
like myself, have ministered among them, that can fully 
comprehend and enter into their feelings.' 

All this was said with a simple earnestness and mildness 
of manner that showed how habitual such thoughts were 
to his mind, how little accustomed he was to travelling, and 



270 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

to the desultory conversation or constrained silence of 
railway passengers. The ladies who had been so im- 
patient and excited by the account of the destruction of 
the garden the previous evening, now listened with deep 
interest to those observations of the old clergyman, who, 
by the softness and sweetness of his voice, and his un- 
affected and winning demeanour, had interested us all in 
his favour. 

£ I never considered the subject in that light,' said the 
old lady. ' We know that the increased and increas- 
ing population of large towns demand the formation of 
cemeteries ; but still it does appear to me that the 
decoration of them is well suited to the object for which 
they are formed ; they cannot be viewed without a certain 
degree of approval — they evince, at least, a respect for the 
dead ; but as you say, much of the salutary effect of the 
churchyard is lost. The graves are so numerous^ that 
individuality is as much destroyed as it is in the crowds 
of the metropolis ; the moral, as you justly observe, is 
gone.' 

4 Talking of the " moral," madam/ he inquired, ' were 
you ever in the churchyard of Montgomery, in North 
Wales ? or were you acquainted with the rector of the 
adjoining parish, the Reverend Mr. Pryce's ?' 

' No/ she said, ' I never was in Montgomery ; but I 
had the pleasure of knowing the gentleman to whom you 
allude. He was a remarkably clever, well-informed 
person, and one of the most striking and effective preachers 
I ever met with. Poor man ! he is now dead, and I am 
not acquainted with even the name of his successor.'* 

' Yes/ continued the clergyman, ' he was a man of 
rare endowments ; he was an old college chum of mine. 

* The Eev. Mr. Pryce furnished the author with these particu- 
lars, and some further details, which are too minute for insertion. 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 271 

If you were intimate with him, madam, he, perhaps, may 
have told you the remarkable story of the " Robber's 
Grave.'" 

* No,' said the lady, * I never heard it ; would you be 
obliging enough to relate it to me ?' 

Bowing assent, the clergyman proceeded : — ' In the 
year 1819 there was, in the neighbourhood of Mont- 
gomery, an ancient manor-house, called Oakfield, which, 
like many of those old structures, losing its original im- 
portance from the increased size and convenience of 
modern buildings, had been converted into a farm-house. 
The late occupant, one James Morris, had been an 
indolent and somewhat dissipated man ; the farm conse- 
quently fell into neglect, and became unprofitable, and he 
died in debt, leaving his wife and an only daughter in 
possession of the place. Shortly after his death, the 
widow took into her employment a young man from 
Staffordshire, of the name of John Newton, the hero of 
this little story, who had been strongly recommended to 
her by her brother ; and well and faithfully did he 
discharge his duties as bailiff, fully justifying the praise 
and recommendations she received with him. He was an 
utter stranger in that part of the country, seemed 
studiously to shun all acquaintance with his neighbours, 
and to devote himself exclusively to the interests of his em- 
ployer. He never left home but to visit the neighbour- 
ing fairs and markets, and to attend the parish church, 
where his presence was regular, and his conduct devout. 
In short, though highly circumspect in his behaviour on 
all occasions, he was a melancholy, reserved man ; and 
even the clergyman of the parish, to whom he was always 
most respectful in his demeanour, entirely failed in his 
endeavours to cultivate an acquaintance with him. The 
farm, under his management, had improved, and become 



272 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

profitable ; and the circumstances of Mrs. Morris were, by 
his assiduity and skill, both prosperous and nourishing. 
In this manner more than two years had passed, and the 
widow began to regard him more as a friend and bene- 
factor than a servant, and was not sorry to observe her 
daughter's growing affection for him, which appeared to 
be reciprocal. One evening in November, 1821, being 
detained longer than usual by business at Welshpool, 
Newton set out about six o'clock on his return to Oak- 
field. It was an exceedingly dark night, and he never 
reached home again. The family became very anxious, 
and upon inquiring early the following morning at 
Welshpool, they ascertained that he had been brought 
back to that town, not long after his departure from it, by 
two men, named Parker and Pearce, who charged him 
with highway robbery, accompanied by violence, an 
offence then punishable with death. At the trial at the 
next assizes he was pronounced guilty, on the testimony 
of these two persons, which was clear, positive, and con- 
sistent throughout, was sentenced to be hanged, and left 
for execution. He employed no counsel, and called no 
witnesses in his defence ; but upon being asked by the 
judge, in the usual form, " if he had anything to say why 
sentence of death should not be passed upon him ?" he 
made in substance the following extraordinary speech : — 
" My lord, it is evident all I could say in opposition to 
such testimony would be vain and hopeless. The wit- 
nesses are men of respectability, and their evidence has 
appeared plain and conclusive, and my most solemn 
protestations of innocence could avail me nothing. I 
have called no witnesses to character, and upon such 
evidence the jury could pronounce no other verdict. I 
blame them not. From my soul, too, I forgive those 
men, upon whose false testimony I have been convicted. 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 273 

But, my lord, I protest most solemnly before this court, 
before your lordship, and above all before that God in 
whose presence I must shortly appear, that I am entirely 
guiltless of the crime for which I am about to suffer. I 
have produced no one to speak in my behalf. Two years 
have scarcely passed since I came into this country an 
utter stranger. I have made no acquaintance here beyond 
the household in which I have been employed, and where 
I have endeavoured to discharge iny duties faithfully and 
honestly. Although I dare not hope, and do not wish 
that my life should be spared, yet it is my devout and 
earnest desire that the stain of this crime may not rest 
upon my name. I devoutly hope that my good mistress, 
and her kind and excellent daughter, may yet be con- 
vinced that they have not nourished and befriended a 
highway robber. I have, therefore, in humble devotion, 
offered a prayer to heaven, and I believe it has been heard 
and accepted. I venture to assert that, if I am innocent 
of the crime for which I suffer, the grass, for one gene- 
ration at least, will not cover my grave. My lord, I 
await your sentence without a murmur, without a sorrow, 
and I devoutly pray that all who hear me now may 
repent of their sins, and meet me again in heaven." 

' The unfortunate man was condemned and executed, 
and was buried in Montgomery churchyard. Thirty years 
had passed away when I saw it, in company with poor 
Eliot Warburton, and the grass had not then covered his 
grave. It is situated in a remote corner of the church- 
yard, far removed from all other graves. It is not a 
raised mound of earth, but is even with the surrounding 
ground, which is, for some distance, especially luxuriant, 
the herbage being rich and abundant. Numerous at- 
tempts have, from time to time, been made by some who 
are still alive, and others who have passed away, to bring 

n3 



274 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

grass upon that bare spot. Fresh soil has been frequently 
spread upon it, and seeds of various kinds have been 
sown, but not a blade had there ever been known to 
spring from them, and the soil soon became a smooth, 
cold, and stubborn clay. With respect to the unhappy 
witnesses, it appears that Parker's ancestors had once 
owned Oakfield, and that he had hoped, by getting rid of 
Newton, to remove the main obstacle there was to his 
repossessing it, and that Pearce had, at the time of Mr. 
Morris's death, aspired to the hand of his daughter, in 
whose affections he felt he had been supplanted by poor 
Newton. The former soon left the neighbourhood, 
became a drunken and dissolute man, and was ultimately 
killed in some limeworks while in the act of blasting a 
rock. Pearce grew sullen and dispirited; his very 
existence seemed a burden to him, and as the old Sexton 
of Montgomery expressed it, " he wasted away from the 
face of the earth." ' 

* What a strange and interesting story, sir,' said the 
lady ; ' do you know in what condition the grave now is V 

* I have not seen it,' he replied, ' since the period I 
mentioned, which, I think, was in 1850 ; but I have heard 
that some person has since covered it with thick turf, 
which has united itself with the surrounding grass, ex- 
cept at the head, which is still withered and bare, as if 
scorched with lightning. The prayer, however, of poor 
Newton, that his grave might remain uncovered for at 
least one generation, has been heard, and his memory 
vindicated in a most remarkable manner. The name 
given to the grave was singularly inappropriate, it should 
have been called " the grave of the innocent." The 
widow, with her daughter, left Oakfield, and went to re- 
side with her brother. For some weeks after poor New- 
ton's burial, it is said his grave was from time to time 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 275 

found strewed with wild flowers, by ran unknown hand. 
But it was observed that after Jane Morris had left the 
neighbourhood, not a flower was found upon it ! 

' As I said before, poor Eliot Warburton went with us 
to see it. He gazed upon that bare spot with a hallowed, 
reverential emotion. What sacred thoughts passed 
through his mind during those few brief moments I can- 
not tell. But he promised me he would, when he next 
came into the neighbourhood, visit it again, and write and 
publish the story. Poor fellow, he came not ; the relent- 
less waves have closed over him ! What a beautiful and 
affecting story would the simple facts, told by him, have 
given to the world !' 

He had hardly concluded his narrative, ere we reached 
Kingston, where he took leave of us. 

' Aunty/ said one of the young ladies, * what a dear 
old man that is ! did you ever hear a more interesting 
story ? I wonder what his name is ! How could you be 
so rude to him, when he misunderstood you about the 
flowers ? Couldn't we find out from the rector who he 
is, and all about him ? Do try, aunt.' 

But her entreaties were cut short, by the re-appearance 
of Mr. Peabody, from another part of the train, who was 
so convulsed with laughter, he could scarcely speak. 
Taking the seat recently occupied by the clergyman, he 
bent forward, and striking his open hand on his knee 
with great animation, he said : 

* By gum, Squire Shegog, we have had the greatest 
bobbery of a shindy in our carriage you ever knowed in 
all your born days. Did you hear the hurrush ?' 

* No,' I said, ' we heard nothing extraordinary here.' 

1 Well/ said he, ' the train was so crowded this morn- 
ing, that though I had a first-class ticket, I had to put 
up with a seat in the second, or be left behind. We 



276 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

got rid of all those that were in our box at Winchester 
but two — one was a thin, pale, student-looking-chap, who, 
if he hadn't seen his best days, wasn't like to find them 
here below at all. He was an inoffensive kind of a feller 
that wouldn't say boo to a goose — the other was a cap 
sheaf critter, that thought himself a beauty without paint, 
and was better and finer than his neighbours. He had a 
beard that wouldn't acknowledge the corn to no man's, 
and the way it was beargreased, or iled, or Cologned, or 
musked, or what not, was a caution to a tar-brush. Every 
now and then he passed the thumb and forefinger of his 
right hand over his lips as if to give room for showing his 
teeth to advantage ; and, I must say, his mug resembled 
a Skye terrier's as near as could be, while a pair of little 
ferret eyes watched over all as if they were guarding his 
precious ano nted face. Well, what does I do, but take 
out my cigar case, and make preparation for smoking, in 
that cool way, you know, that nobody but us, Yankees, 
can do. Sais I to the invalid, " Have you any objection 
to smoking ?" " No," sais he, " I rather like the flavour 
of a good Havannah/' Well, if he had said no, I'd have 
given up, for I scorn to take advantage of helpless people 
like women, niggers, and hospital folks. Then I turned 
to Skye, " have you any objection ? " sais I. " Most de- 
cidedly," he said. " Well, I know some does dislike it," 
sais I, and I struck alight and began to smoke. " Didn't 
I tell you I objected to it ?" sais he. " You did." " Then 
why do you persist in such an indecent manner ?" " Be- 
cause," sais I, " I never could bear parfumes, they make 
me faint ; and your beard is so scented, I am obliged to 
use tobacco in self-defence. If you will stick your beard 
out of the window on that side, and let the breeze sweep 
away its horrid smell, I'll put my head out of the one on 
this side, and let the odoriferous smoke go clear." " If 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 277 

you don't take that cigar out of your mouth," sais he, 
"I'll take it out for you." " My friend," sais I, « (oh ! 
how that horrid perfume chokes me), before you go to try 
that game, recollect two can play at it. Look at me and 
take my measure, and see if I am a man that you can 
handle (phew ! what is that tarnal scent you have about 
your pendable ? it beats all natur.)" " We shall settle 
this," he said, " when the train stops, I have no idea of 
being insulted in this way." " Nor I either," sais I ; " I 
have paid for a seat in the first-class, where gentlemen go, 
and here I am thrust into this second-rate carriage along 
with a man that looks for all the world as if he had just 
escaped from his keeper." Seeing bullying was no go, he 
put on his cap, folded his arms, shut his eyes for fear the 
smoke would make them look more bloodshot than they 
were by nature, pressed his lips together as tight as if he 
had put an hydraulic screw on 'em, and composed himself 
'for a nap. When we got to Basingstoke (wasn't that the 
name of the last place ?) he and the pale-faced man were 
both fast asleep, so I slips out quietly and gets into the 
next division of the carriage. Arter a while, I peeps over 
the back, and seeing they were still in the Land of Nod, 
I lights a Vesuvius match, pitched it through the division, 
let it fall on his beard, and then dodged down again and 
told the people in my carriage what I had done, and why 
I did it, and they all entered into the joke as good-na- 
tured as you please. In less than half no time, I heard 
an awful row between the two I had left in the next 
division ; both were singing out murder at the top end of 
their voices. Skye terrier woke up, feeling the frizzleing 
his beard, and thought 'tother fellow had been tryin to 
cut his throat, so he yelled out murder, made a spring at 
sick man, caught him by the neckcloth, and nearly choked 
him, while invalid thinking he was mad, and expecting to 



278 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

be killed right off, squeaked out murder too. There they 
were, like two dogs, standin on their hind legs, showin' 
their teeth, snarlin', snappin', and biting like all pos- 
sessed. 

' " Your beard is afire," said Paleface. " It was you 
that did it, then," said Skye. " No, it warn't/' said I, 
looking over the division that separated us, " it's sponta- 
neous combustion. The spirit of the Cologne has set the 
bear's grease in a flame, shut your mouth, or it will burn 
your innerds. Here's my Arkansas toothpick, stranger, 
give Skye a dig in the ribs with it, or he'll be the death 
of you. No, stand on one side, I'll give him a shot with my 
revolver, he is as mad as a polar bear dancin on hot iron. 
I knew he was crazy when I first see'd him, he's dodged 
his keeper, and slipt out of an asylum. Creation ! Man, 
says I to Skye, why don't you put out the fire that's friz- 
zlin your beard ? You look for all the world like a pig 
that's gettin his bristles singed off." Then we all set up 
a great shout at him, and even Paleface laughed. 

' When we stopped at the station, he charged me with 
smoking, and invalid with setting fire to him ; but we 
both agreed and affirmed he was an escaped lunatic, and 
everybody larfed like any thing, and there we left him, 
lookin like a caution to a singed cat. If he warn't a mad- 
man, when he came into the carriage, I'll be hanged if 
he didn't rave like one, when he left it. Why on airth 
can't people go through life like sensible folks? The 
voyage we have to make is soon over ; why not lay in a 
large stock of good-humour, patience, and above all, 
consideration for the other passengers ? Storms, tempests, 
accidents,, and what not, will occur in spite of us ; but 
why not enjoy fine weather, fair winds, and the fellowship 
of others, when we can ? 

* That's my philosonhy at any rate. It's no use for 



THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 279 

folks to stick themselves up above their fellow-travellers. 
High peaks are covered with ice and snow, and are ever- 
lasting cold. But the glades that lie at the foot of the 
mountains, bear grapes, and produce oranges, figs, and all 
manner of pleasant fruits. Them that like to go up, and 
soar aloft with the eagles and vultures, are welcome to 
their cold perch and their grand views ; but give me the 
brook and the valley, and the happy and genial folks, 
that inhabit the lowlands/ 

' A very pretty idea/ said one of the nieces. 

■ And a very charming young lady that says so/ replied 
Peabody. 

' Tickets, if you please.' 

We all know what that means. The journey is over. 



( 280 ) 



No. X. 

THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR ; OR, QUAKERS AFLOAT 
AND ASHORE. 

After dining at the British Hotel, I sauntered as usual 
into the smoking-room, where I found the Senator, 
Mr. Peabody, and many others, whom it was difficult to 
distinguish in the fragrant cloud that filled the apartment. 
' Well, Mr. Shegog,' said the Senator to me, ' the old 
and the new year are now about to shake hands together, 
as the Lord Mayor and his successor did on the 9th of 
November last. The former abdicated the throne, after 
a brief tenure of office, and surrendered his mace and 
insignia to the new incumbent. Both he and his pa- 
geantry have passed away, and are already forgotten. 
His court, and his parasites alone remain, and they are 
transferred to the new magnate, who in his turn will play 
his part as civic sovereign, and in twelve short months 
retire and be lost among the crowd who have " passed the 
chair." What a picture of life is this ! At his official 
dinners, like those of royalty, are to be found ministers of 
state, foreign ambassadors, chancellors, judges, com- 
manders-in-chief of the army, lords of the admiralty, et 
hoc genus omne. The guests praise and ridicule the pos- 
sessor of power, as is their wont, and as soon as he is func- 
tus officio pay the same courteous, but insincere homage to 
his successor. An ex-Lord Mayor and a dethroned king 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 281 

know how to estimate mankind at their true value, Letter 
than any other people in the world. Those who conde- 
scend to accept the invitations, and receive the hospitalities 
of the former, affect, as soon as he retires into private 
life, to forget both him and his name ; and those whom 
the latter delighted to honour, while they retain the rank 
and titles he conferred upon them, ascribe their success to 
their own merits, and feel that but little gratitude is due 
for a mere act of justice. As the old year was, so will be 
the new. There is a general similarity in them all. One 
is marked by war, and another by peace : this by the 
death of a king, and that by the accession of an heir or 
an usurper, and both are varied by an irregular course of 
monetary or political panics — strikes — rebellions in the 
east or west — reform bills, agitators like O'Connell, 
Bright, Wat Tyler, and Smith O'Brien ; shocking Irish 
assassinations, lamentable suicides, or awful shipwrecks. 
What has been will occur again annually.' 

' Zactly,' said Peabody, ' but that only happens in 
Europe. We are more sensible in our great country. 
What turns up this year in England, don't happen in the 
United States but once in four years ; an' the things you 
have totted up as the incidents of the past twelve months, 
are mere by-play there, and give just excitement enough 
to show that Jonathan is alive. One administration it is 
true, follows another here, like a flock of geese, Indian 
file ; and folks think the nation is getting ruined all the 
time. Now Derby is in, and some say England is going 
to the bad, for he won't give a vote to those he don't 
deem fit for it. Then Palmerston succeeds him, and 
t'other side vows that he will upset everything, for he 
will lower the franchise below what is safe, and increase 
the number of representatives, so that no room in London 
will hold half of them. Then some say that Lord John 



282 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Russell, who bids at a political auction (where long credit 
is given on renewable paper), like a feller that has no real 
capital to trade on, is going to destroy the constitution by 
letting in just as many outsiders as will swamp all the 
real estate in the kingdom, and to my mind they ain't far 
out in their reckoning either. No man need tell me, after 
seeing him, that bleeding ain't good for the human frame. 
That man's feelings are so tender, and his innards are so 
thin-skinned, his heart has been bleeding without stopping 
for thirty years, for the unrepresented class. It would 
have burst its boiler long ago, if that large safety-valve 
hadn't been fixed in him originally hard and fast. What 
a wonderfully constructed system he must have, for his 
heart to have sustained such a continued drain of 
blood from it ; and, great as the demand has been, the 
supply has always been equal to it I He looks as well 
(indeed, some folks say better) than ever he did. The 
tears also that he has shed over small boroughs, es- 
pecially those of the Tories, would actilly float a river 
steamer ; still there are fellers who say he is a dangerous 
and venturesome critter, and that he is too small a man to 
wade into such troubled waters as those of reform. Then 
there is John Bright, the Quaker, everybody says that fel- 
low is a republican, double-dyed in the wool, and I be- 
lieve he would revolutionize this country if it warn't for 
his temper — Quakers have no means to let off the steam 
like other folks — it's agin their creed to fight. If you 
give one on 'em a sock-dolager under the ear he is in 
duty bound to turn round and say, " Try thy hand on 
the other side, my friend, will you ?" They are made of 
the same stuff as other folks, and have the same feelings 
and passions, and commonly are a little grain stronger, 
too, from being temperate and keeping good hours (for 
that saves both fire and candles ) ; but they have, in a 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 283 

general way, to bite in their breath, and gulp down their 
rage ; and it nearly sets them hoppin', ravin', distracted 
mad. I have often expected to see them explode, for they 
have to look as calm and mild as if butter wouldn't melt 
in their mouths, and cheese wouldn't choke them. They 
can't relieve the pressure by swearing either, which I 
must say is a great privilege, for it's like a spoonful of cold 
water thrown into a maple sugar. kettle, it stops the bilin 
over in a minute. Nothin does an angry man so much 
good as that.' 

( Now, Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, ' don't talk 
nonsense that way ; you know I don't like to hear such 
assertions ; and more than that, you don't approve of that 
abominable practice yourself. It is a shocking and dis- 
gusting habit ; but unlike most other objectionable things, 
it has not one redeeming quality about it.' 

' 1 am not approving of it,' he replied, ' as you well 
know. I am only talking of it as a man of the world ; 
but when you say it has no one redeeming quality about 
it you go to the other extreme,' and he gave me a sly 
wink, to intimate that he was only drawing his friend out 
for his amusement. 'It does let the steam off, that's a 
fact. Now, hot iron is not a redeeming thing, as you call 
it, and yet it is necessary to burn out the pyson of a snake. 
But for the matter of that, I have heard as good a Quaker 
as ever you see, one of the real Foxites (and there could 
not have been a better founder for that sect than a Fox, 
for they are as sly as e'er a Reynard that ever cleared a 
hen-roost), swear like a Mississippi rowdy, make your 
hair stand on end, and stiffen it so, you could no more 
smooth it than a grove of pines. I have, upon my soul.' 
' Mr. Peabody, all I can say,' rejoined the Se- 
nator (and he appeared by the emphatic way he used 
the word Mister to intimate that he disapproved of 



284 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

his style of conversation), * all 1 can say is, he must 
have been an impostor and not a real member of the 
Friends, for a more moral, discreet, and respectable sect 
is not to be found in our great nation. Although I differ 
from them in their religious notions, I entertain the highest 
opinion of them, both individually and collectively. So 
universal, indeed, is this feeling among us, that un- 
principled people dopt their dress and use their phrase- 
ology for the purpose of deception, knowing that, as a 
body, they are men of great probity, and that the word 
of a Quaker is as good as his bond.' 

i Yes,' said Peabody ; ' but if his bond is no good, 
and his word is equal to that, how much is his word 
worth ? Try it by the Rule of Three, and the answer is 
nil. Now, were you acquainted with old Jacob Coffin, of 
Nantucket, the great whaler ?' 

'I was,' said the Senator, 'and a more honourable, 
upright, and pious man was not to be found in the 
United States. I do not know any one that stood higher 
in the estimation of the public, or of the Society, of which 
he was a member and an honour.' 

' Well,' said Peabody, ' the way he swore was a 
caution to a New Orleans witness, and they can swear 
through a nine-inch plank. I have heard a western 
stage-driver go it : and it isn't every one that can ditto 
him, I can tell you ; well, he could afford to give them 
four moves a-head, and beat them both at their own 
game. I'll explain to you how I found him out. A 
sailor, you know, always fancies farming, for it is the 
natural occupation of man — ploughing the deep turns 
his mind to ploug ing the land. He gets tired of 
the ocean arter a while, and longs for terry firmy, 
and he has visions of a cottage with a nice verandah to 
walk in in wet weather, or to enjoy his cigar, and a 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 285 

splendiferous gall for a wife, with cheeks of white 
and red roses crushed on them — perfection of com- 
plexion' — in rig, a rael fore and after, and in lines a doll 
of a clipper, all love and affection for old Whalebone to 
splice with. Then he imagines a brook, with pastures lead- 
ing down to it, and cows coming and asking to be milked, 
and four-year-old sheep turning i«ip their great heavy fat 
rumps to him to admire their mutton. He indulges the 
idea that he is to have a splendid avenue of Pole beans 
from the front gate to the cottage, and his bungalow, as 
he calls it (for he has been in the East Indies), is to be 
covered with Virginia creeper and the multiflora rose ; and 
he fancies an arbour in his garden shaded with hops, 
where he can invite an old sea-sarpant of a captain like 
himself, who has doubled Cape Horn and the Cape of 
Good Hope times without number, to come and converse 
with him (which means swapping lies and getting half 
drunk). Then he sees in the picture he has drawn, some 
little harpooners such as he was once himself, with rosy 
cheeks and curling locks hanging down their backs 
(before the horrid quaker sheep-shears clip them off), 
running about him, asking to sit on his knee and listen to 
his yarns about the flying Dutchman, savages that eat 
naughty children, the rivers of Jamaica that are all pure 
rum, and the hills that are real clarified white sugar. Then 
he prides himself on the notion that he is to astonish his 
neighbours, that he is to have a sheep or two in the pas- 
ture from the Cape, with tails so heavy that they will 
require a little pair of wheels to carry them, a Brahmin 
cow that gives no milk, a Thibet goat whose fleece is 
something between wool, cotton, silk, and hair, and a 
Lapland deer that the natives use to draw their sleighs 
with, while the hall of his bungalow is to be decorated 
with stuffed birds, beautiful conch shells, Chinese idols, 



286 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

South Sea weapons, and foreign pipes of all sorts, sizes, 
and tubes. Well, Jacob Coffin used to keep himself 
warm, when his ship was frozen up in the north, a-think- 
ing of this ideal gall and all this castle building, and 
arter coming home with a'most a noble cargo of sperm ile 
and whalebone, and feeling rich and sponsible, and able to 
carry out his plans, he puts his affairs into a shipbroker's 
hands, and off he goes full chisel on a courtin trip to 
Philadelphia, (Pennsylvania, you know, is the head- 
quarters of the Friends, tho' some on 'em are what we call 
wet Quakers, too; that is, not overly strict about dress,) 
and he picks out a'most a heavenly splice, and marries her 
right off the reel. She was too young for him by a long 
chalk, but he consaited he warn't too old for her, a mis- 
take elderly gents often make ; and this I will say, a more 
angeleferous critter was not to be found in all the uni- 
versal United States. No, not even in Connecticut itself, 
which is famed all over the world for its galls and its 
pumpkins. Lick, warn't she a whole team and a horse to 
spare, making a man's heart beat so to look at her, as to 
bust his waistcoat buttons off. Oh, Jerusalem, what per- 
fection of female beauty she was ! You could have tracked 
her all the way from Philadelphia to Nantucket, for every- 
body was talking of the beautiful blooming Quakeress 
that old Dead Eyes the Whaler had married. Well, as 
soon as he got home, he bought a farm, and built his 
bungalow, and realized the visions that had haunted him 
during many a long voyage, and many a long night on the 
ocean. Well, things all went on smooth and comfortable 
as far as the world could see. She developed into a still 
handsomer woman, until she grew into an angel a'most ; 
and he grew prouder and more pompous than ever, only 
folks thought he was more strict and more rigid, and a 
little grain crosser. He looked as sweet as ever tho', 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 287 

when he showed in public; but even sweet cider will 
ferment and turn so bard you have to hold your 
breath while you swaller it, for fear it would cut your 
throat. Well, what onder the sun is the use of dreams, 
for in a general way they certainly do go by contraries ; 
at all events, it was so with Jacob Coffin. The verandah 
he expected to have enjoyed so much was built of green 
wood, and shrunk so like old Scratch, it leaked like a sieve, 
and he couldn't make no use of it in wet weather; the 
scarlet-runners only took to runnin' when the heat of 
summer was over ; the hop-arbour was so damp it gave 
him the ague, and he couldn't sit in it ; the roses and 
Virginia creeper harboured ice, lice, and mice, and 
turned out a regular-built nuisance ; while his neighbour's 
dogs killed his Cape sheep, and the Lapland deer jump'd 
the fence and raced off due north, for them and wild 
geese know the points of compass, by nateral instinct ; 
the Brahmin cow had to be shot, for it had killed 
one of his children ; the brook took it into its head 
to rebel, burst its bounds, and floated off his hay and 
oats, and c all his little water-wheels for turning his 
grindstone, churning his butter, and so on ; and his four- 
year-old wethers were stolen by the steward of a New 
York coaster that put in there for shelter. There was 
no eend to his troubles. His young harpooner during 
his absence made playthings of his idols, stuffed birds, 
and other trophies ; his wife had the ague when he got 
home, and was so cold she did nothing but shiver and 
chatter ; and he was so cross-grained and unkind to her, 
she gave up her " thee's and thou's," and took to calling 
him an old Grampus, a spouting-whale, a black fish, a 
solan goose, and a boatswain bird, with a marlin spike 
stuck into him behind instead of a tail. The last time he 
returned from Baffin's Bay he found the young Quakeress 



288 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

bad gone on a voyage of discovery on her own hook. She 
was on the boards at New Orleans, and had changed her 
name eend for eend from Coffin to Madam Fincoff ; she was 
the star of the south (' And deserved the stripes,' said the 
Senator, sternly). Well, old Jacob had to gulp all this 
down, for he was a Quaker ashore then. If he had been to 
sea at the time, depend upon it he would have ripped out 
some words that ain't easy to translate into English, I can 
tell you. I can't say I pitied old Broadbrim much either, for 
youth is youth, and age is age, and they don't harmonize 
well together in matrimony. Youth has its pleasures as 
well as its duties ; but age don't sympathize with the 
pursuits of the other. It wants to make it consider 
duty a pleasure ; and that ain't in the natur of things to 
unite them in one. Duty first and pleasure after ; or, 
pleasure first and duty after, just as you like. But come 
what will, relaxation and recreation must be allowed. 
Quakers, like Jacob Coffin, think women were made for 
them, and them only, and not for themselves at all. Now, 
Eve was made not to work for Adam, because things grew 
spontanaceously in their, garden, but to keep him company 
and to talk to him ; and if there was anything to do, 
depend upon it she coaxed or smiled, or cried or 
worried him into it. It was "Adam, put the kettle 
on " in those days, and not " Polly," as in our time. 
She had a tongue given her for the special purpose 
of beguiling his weary hours with chat, and one 
that could lubricate itself, and go on for ever without 
stopping. Now, Jacob ought to have thought of this 
before be married that gall. He might have known if 
you put a young colt into a stall, tie it up and feed it 
there, first its fetlocks take to swellin', and then its legs, 
and then its appetite goes, and it pines away to a skeleton. 
You must turn it out to grass, and let it kick up its heels. 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 289 

It is innocent play natur intends for it. He ought to 
have borne in mind what that poor thing had to endure, 
that knew she was the queen of beauty and the queen of 
hearts too, stored up in such an outlandish place as that. 
If he had had a heart in him, he might have recollected 
that he had transplanted that bloomin' rose tree from the 
sunny banks of the Dele ware, into the cold soil and on- 
congenial climate of Nantucket ; that he left her alone 
there six months in the year to pine like a bird in a cage, 
or to nutter against its bars, in a place, too, where 
she only saw snuffy old olive-coloured men, or drabby, 
grubby, weather-beaten old women — broad-brimmed 
ongainly hats, or horrid old poke bonnets, only fit for cats 
to kitten in, and where she heard nothen but the price 
of sperm or whalebone, or sugar or molasses, or the dege- 
neracy of the age, and the idleness of the maidens. That 
if she went into the town, she was nearly pysoned by the 
crew of some newly-arrived whaler, whose clothes and 
yeller cotton water-proofs smelt so of ile, she expected 
the flames of spontaneous combustion to break out every 
minute, while they, in their turn, stared at her as sailors 
only can stare, who are accustomed to strain their eyes 
lookin' out a-head for reefs, shoals, or icebergs. Is it 
any wonder she got out of the cage and flew off south? 
To my mind it was the most nateral thing in natur. 

* That is the pictur of the Quaker ashore, but when I 
saw him he was " a Quaker afloat" and that's a critter of 
another colour, you may depend. I'll tell you how I came 
to see him on board of his ship. It was just arter the vam- • 
oosing of his wife. The Governor of the State of Maine, who 
is a great lumberer on the Kenebec, and employs a regiment 
of loggers in the winter a cutten and a haulen of spars and 
pine butts to the head- waters of that river, and also the St. 
John's (indeed the Timber vote put him in as governor), 

o 



290 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

wrote to me to buy him some very peeowerful heavy cattle 
for his business. Having heard that old Jacob Coffin had 
two yoke of splendiferous oxen, away I went to Nan- 
tucket, as fast as I could, for fear he would be off before 
I could get there. As soon as I arrived, I went straight to 
his " bungalow." It was kept by his sister, an old maid, 
who looked like a dried apple that had been halved, cored, 
pipt, and hung in the sun to dry, to make her keep for 
winter sauce ; stew her in cider, and she might become 
soft, and with the aid of Muscovado sugar, might be 
made (if not sweet — for that was onpossible) tender enough 
for a tart. Lord, what a queer-lookin critter she was, 
skin and bone was never half so thin. She wore a square 
poke bonnet as big as a coalscuttle, to avoid the stares of 
admiring young Quakers, and to save her complexion as 
a nigger wench does a parasol to avoid bronzin her skin. 
It was ontied onder the chin, and set loose to keep off the 
dust. Her skin was the colour of a smoked, dried salmon, 
and her teeth, which stod out apart from each other, as 
if each was afraid the other would make love to it, re- 
sembled rusty nails sticking into a fence-post arter the 
rail had fallen off from decay. Her nose was pinched as 
tight as if it had just come out of a vice ; her chin turned 
up short and economical, like a napkin to protect her dress 
while eating. The pupils of her eyes were large and of a 
gray colour, and had the power of contraction like those 
of a cat. Her upper lip was graced with a few black 
straggling hairs that described a curve, and then looked 
as if they had taken root again, like the branches of a 
Banyan tree. Her gown was tucked up on each side into 
a wisp, and run thro' her pocket-holes, disclosing a shin- 
ing green shalloon petticoat. Her stockings were home- 
made, with open worked clocks, that displayed to admiring 
eyes the red morocco skin underneath ; while her shoes, 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 291 

manufactured at Salem (what Quakeress would wear one 
that warn't made there?), fitted tight, and had high heels 
(all small women wear them — they put them up higher in 
the world). Her breast was covered with transparent 
starched muslin, thro' which you could see a mahogany- 
coloured flat chest — she was a caution to a scarecrow, I 
tell you. Thinks I, " old gall, if you would take off your 
ongainly bonnet and stick it under your gown behind for a 
bustle, or stiffen out your petticoats like a Christian, or 
put on half a dozen of 'em, as the French galls to Canada 
do, it would improve everything but your mug most un- 
commonly, for now you look for all the world like a pai 
of kitchen tongs, all legs and no body, and a head that is 
as round as a cannon-ball." " How are you, aunty?" sa 
I. " I am not thy aunt," she said,. " what does thee 
mean?" "It's merely a word of conciliation," sais I 
" it's a way I have ; I always use kind words to every 
one." " Thee had better use words of truth," she re- 
plied. There was no danger of any fellow running off 
with her to New Orleans, I tell you, for old Jacob, like 
many other fools, had run from one extreme to another. 
While I was a thinkin this intarnally, she began to talk to 
herself aloud — " What dirty people Jacob brings here," 
she said, " before he goes to sea — what a mess the house 
is in ! it will take a week to clean it up and make it look 
tidy again : I must call the maiden Ruth, to set things to 
rights ;" and she screamed out at the tip eend of her voice, 
"Ruth-ee — Ruth-ee-ee," — in one long-continued yell, 
like that of a hyaena. Gracious ! it rang in my ears for a 
week Then she seized a broom and leaned on it as she 
stood in the middle of the sanded floor, which was covered 
with the eends of cigars, tobacco, broken pipes, and all 
sorts of nasty things, for she had no idee of defilin' her 
bettermost room, with its boughten carpets, by lettm com- 

o2 



292 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

mon folks into it. She was a parfect picture, I assure 
you, as she stood there on the centre of the room a restin' 
on her broom. "What may thy business be, friend ?" 
she said. " I am not a friend," sais I, " but a stranger ; 
thee had better use words of truth," giving her back her 
own imperance. " Well, stranger," then she said, not 
colouring up, for her natural complexion was deeper than 
blushes or blood rushes, " what may thy business be ?" 
" To see the man the world calls Jacob Coffin," sais 
I. " Then thee had better make haste," she replied, 
" for he is going to sea, and is getting up his sails now. 
Look out of the window, and thee will see the ship." 
With that she began in an all-fired hurry to sweep away 
like mad, and she raised such a cloud of dust it was a 
caution to a whirlwind — it nearly choked me ; so I walked 
up to her to shake hands and bid good by, but the dust 
got into my eyes and nose, and I sneezed like a buffalo 
in a driftin' sand. It was a rael snorter, I tell you. 
Lord ! it blew her great dingy bonnet right slap off her 
head, loosened her hair (which was only twisted up and 
fastened with a comb), and let it down on her shoulders, 
like the mane of a wild Pampas horse. It nearly threw 
her over, for she staggered back till the wall fetched her 
up, and there she stood and glared at me like a tiger ; 
but she was clear grit and no mistake ; she never said a 
word, but bit in her breath and choked her temper down, 
and she didn't swear, tho' she looked uncommonly like 
doing so, and no mortal man will ever make me believe, 
when she was alone with her Quaker house-help, that she 
didn't let the steam off with a rush — at last, she called 
out again to the maiden, " Ruth-ee, Ruth-ee-ee." Her 
voice was as shrill as a railway whistle — it fairly pierced 
the drum of my ears. I couldn't stand it twice, so I cut 
stick and off hot foot for the harbour. She was in a 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 293 

blessed humour, I tell you, and if Ruth hadn't a tem- 
pestical time of it that day, then there are no snakes in 
Varginy. When I reached the harbour, I got a boat and 
pushed off for the whaler " Quahog," the anchor of which 
they were just heaving up. When I went below into 
the cabin, there was Jacob, the very pictur of Christian 
meekness, forgiveness, and resignation, a writing a 
letter for the crew of a shore-boat to take back with 
them. When he had written it,, he turns to me and says, 
" Well, friend Peabody, what may thy business be ? — be 
quick, for we are just off." So I ups and tells him I 
wanted his big black yoke of oxen, and the speckled pair 
also, and asked him the price. " Two hundred and fifty 
dollars a yoke," sais he, " thee can't ditto them nowhere 
in all the United States, for beauty, size, weight, and 
honest draught." " I can't give it," I replied. " No 
harm done," sais he ;. and while we were chaffering he peels 
off his white choker and replaces it with a coarse yarn 
comforter, doffs his broad-brim and puts on a torpo- 
lin nor'-wester ; his drab vest and slips on a calf-skin 
waistcoat dressed with the hair on ; his straight- collared, 
cut-away drab coat, with large buttons, and mounts a 
heavy blue pea-jacket. It must have been made, I guess, 
by a Chinese tailor, for, tho' bran new, it had a large 
patch of the same cloth on each elbow ; then he slips off 
his olive -coloured breeches, and draws on a thick coarse 
pilot pair of trousers, and over them stout and monstrous 
heavy fisherman's boots. " Come, be quick," said he, 
" what will thee give for the cattle ?" " Two hundred 
and twenty-five dollars a yoke," sais I, " and it's the final 
bid, and they are to be paid for on your return." 
" Done," said he, " write out the order for delivery, and 
I'll sign it." Well, then he onlocks a great sea-chest, 



294 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

and takes out a pair of " knuckle-dusters " and puts them 
on to his sledge-hammer fists ' 

' What are they, Mr. Peabody ?' I inquired, ' for in all 
my travels I never saw or heard of such gloves as those.' 

' Why,' said Peabody, ' they are jointed iron things 
that strap on to the back of the hands, and extend over 
the knuckles, having knobby projections on them. Inside 
they are lined with leather to save your own bones when 
you strike with them. They are awful persuaders, I tell 
you, and leave your brand wherever you strike — skin, 
flesh, and cheek-bone give way before them, as if they 
were mashed by a hammer. Well, when he had fitted on 
those black kids, and buckled on a waist-belt, there he 
stood lookin' a plaguy sight more like a pirate than a 
Quaker, I tell you. Then he roared out in a voice of 
thunder — " Steward ! steward ! — pass the word forward 
there for the steward." Presently, in runs the critter, 
like a dog that's whistled for, answerin' all the way as he 
came — "Ay, ay, sir." "You darned lubberly rascal," 
said old Jacob, " what's the reason you ain't making ready 
for my breakfast?" The fellow was dumbfounded and 
awfully taken aback, like a vessel under full sail when 
the wind shifts round on a sudden, and she is thinking 
of going down stern foremost. He was fairly on- 
fackilized; he couldn't believe in the transmogrifi- 
cation he saw, of the sleek, composed, neat-dressed, 
smooth-faced, shore-going Quaker, into the slaver-like 
captain that stood before him, dressed as a " Quaker 
afloat" If he couldn't trust his eyes neither could he 
believe his ears, when he heard the good man swear. He 
stood starin' like a stuck pig, with his mouth wide open. 
" Do you hear me," said Jacob, in a voice that must have 
reached his sister's ears ashore, and he stamped on the 
cabin floor with his hob-nailed boot, in a way that you 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 295 

could see the print of it as plain as a wood-cut. " Friend," 
said he, a irnitatin of himself when ashore, and lowerin' 
his tone, as he must have done when courtin', " let me 
wake thee up, for verily thee is asleep," and he hit him a 
blow with his knuckle-dusters under the ear that not only 
knocked him down, but made him turn a somerset ; and 
as he threw up his legs in going over he fetched him a 
kick with the toe of his heavy boot that was enough to 
crush his crupper bone. " Cuss your ugly pictur," he 
said, " I'll teach you how to wake snakes and walk chalks, 
T know, before our voyage is ended." You may depenu 
the steward didn't remain to stare a second time, but 
puttin' one hand where he got the blow, and the other 
where he got the kick, he absquotulated in no time, sing- 
ing out as he mounted the steps, pen and ink, like a dog 
that's hit. with a stone. " What do you think of that, old 
hoss ?" said he, addressin' me. " I think the spirit moved 
you that time, and no mistake," sais I, " but it was the 
spirit of the devil ; you are the first swearing Quaker I 
ever saw, and I hope I shall never set eyes upon another. 
Creation, man, what made you act arter that fashion, to 
that poor inoffensive crittur ? If I was to take my davy 
of what I have seen when I went ashore, no livin' soul 
would believe me." " Friend Peabody," said he, " did thee 
ever see a ' Quaker afloat ' before ?" " Never," said I. 
" So I thought, or thee would not be surprised." " Friend," 
he replied, " our sect is a religious denomination." 
" So I should think," said I ; but he went on, " a meek, 
peaceable, passive, resistant, long-suffering people." " If 
that steward," sais I, " goes to Baffin's Bay along with 
you, he'll beat any Quaker in all creation in long suffer- 
ing, and no mistake." He smiled, but went on, " It is a 
sect that pertaineth to the land and not to the sea. A 
1 friend ' is no more fit to command a ship than a bishop. 



296 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

Both are out of place afloat. Lawn sleeves would first get 
covered with tar, and then be blown into ribbons, and a 
broad-brimmed hat would fly overboard in no time. 
When afloat we must dispense with our land-tacks, and 
lay aside our distinctive dress. We are among a dif- 
ferent race from those who inhabit cities or till the land. 
We live amidst perils and storms, and reefs and breakers. 
A minute sometimes saves a ship or wrecks her. We 
have no time for circumlocution, and thee-ing and thou- 
ing. We must speak short, quick, and commanding, and 
use words sailors do, provided they are not profane. 
Without doing this no one would obey me. I never 
swear." " Why what onder the sun are you a-talking of, 
man ?" sais I, " didn't you call that steward a damned 
lubberly rascal?" "Never," he replied; "that is an 
unbecoming word, if not a wicked one. I called him a 
darned lubber, which is a very different thing, and has a 
very different meaning. Nor do I ever strike a man ; it's 
against my principles." " Well, if that don't cap the 
sheaf," sais I, " it's a pity that's all. Why, man alive, 
didn't you first knock that poor steward down, head over 
heels, and then kick him like a wicked hoss when he is 
just shod." " No," he said ; " I only woke him up with 
a push, and shoved him forward, and what you call a 
kick was merely intended to lift him up on his feet. But 
come, have you written that delivery order yet ?" " Yes," 
sais I ; " 'tis done, put your signature to it." Well, 
seein' what an old cantin scoundrel he was, I thought I'd 
take a rise out of him for fan, so I worded the delivery 
order thus — " Friend Peabody having settled with me 
for the black and speckled yoke of oxen, this is to autho- 
rize him to take them into his possession." He run his 
eye over the paper hastily and then signed it, and then 
said, " If thee don't want to go to Baffin's Bay with me, 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 297 

bundle up the companion ladder like wink, and be off, for 
we are onder weigh." So I ups quick stick, and he comes 
stumping arter me with his heavy boots, clamp, clamp, as 
heavy as a string of loaded jack-asses, over a plank bridge, 
make all shake agin. As I came near the side of the ship 
where the man-ropes were, he gave me a blow on the back 
(which he called a shove) that nearly dislocated my shoulder, 
and all but sent me head-first into the boat. Fortunately, 
the vessel was hove to for me by the mate, who was a 
towny of mine, or my boat would have been swamped, for 
there was a fresh breeze a-going at the time. " Fare 
thee well, friend," said he, as he leaned over the taffrel 
rail. " Peace be with thee, Jacob," said I, for my dander 
was up ; "I hope I may never see your cantin', cheatin', 
hypocritical, lyin' face agin. Whether bears eat bears 
or not, I don't know, but, if they do, I hope a grizzly 
will chaw you up some fine morning for breakfast as a 
caution to sinners ; but if you ever return, there is one 
thing I don't owe you, and one thing I do." " What 
may they be ?" said he, in his blandest voice, that was so 
mild it would entice a fox into a trap amost. " First," 
sais I, " I don't owe you for the oxen, for the delivery 
order contains a receipt ; 2ndly, I do owe you a quiltin, and 
I am the boy that's able to give it to you, too, that's a fact ; 
if I don't dust your drabs for you, if ever I come across 
you, then my name ain't Peabody, that's all." Well if 
he didn't shake his knuckle-dusters at me, and swear, 
then I don't know what profanity is. As I pulled away 
from the ship, he turned round and gave orders to square 
the yards, and I saw him push two of the men to hurry 
them on, and it's very odd, both on 'em fell flat on their 
faces on the deck, and had to pick themselves up before 
they could go ahead ; and that's the man you describe 

o3 



298 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

" as more honest, honourable, and pious, than any Quaker 
you ever saw." ' 

' And pray,' said the Senator, ' what has this long 
digression to do with the subject we were talking of?' 

' Why,' replied the other, ' this long lockrura was occa- 
sioned by your interruptin' and contradictin' me. You ought 
to know by this time — for you are a man of experience — 
that stopping a fellow in his observations is sure to 
lengthen his speech, argument, story, or whatever you call 
it. If you was to stop a preacher that way, he'd just take 
a fresh departure, square the yards, go off before the wind, 
and you wouldn't get out of the meetin'-house before dark. 
You was sayin' one year was like another in a general way, 
and I was showin' you that folks here thought they 
were going to the bad all the time, while we only travelled 
that road once in four years. I had got down as far as 
Bright, and I said a Quaker like him who had to bite in 
his breath, and choke down his anger, wasn't the best 
politician in the world, for he couldn't let off the steam 
by swearin. Well, that's the point at which you stopped 
me, and got that long rambling story for your pains. 
Now, I'll begin where I left off; but take warning, — 
don't stop me agin unless you want to be talked dead. 
Bright wants to give the poor all the right to vote, and 
the rich all the right to pay the taxes ; and it is a prettier 
scheme than he is aware of. The experiment is in opera- 
tion at New York at this very moment. The Irish and 
foreign emigrants have the majority in a general way, 
and unite in a body as one man. They vote the money, 
and the wealthy citizens have to pay it ; and where does 
it all go ? Why, in jobs. The cash is raised, but there 
is nothing to show for the expenditure. The taxes are 
fearful : if you was to add up the total amount of all the 
imposts, the result would astonish you, I can tell you. 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 299 

And if Bright was settled there, he would, like an 
apprentice in a pastrycook's shop, soon get tired of the 
sweets of his own pet scheme — that's a fact. In addition 
to all this is the indirect tax levied at the Custom House. 
Our National Income, Senator, you know well enough, 
sounds small, and the expenditure economical, because 
we merely take the Federal Government account, and 
salaries of public officers which look as cheap as bull 
beef at one cent a pound ; but add to that the taxes of 
all the separate states and corporations, and you will find 
it as costly a government as there is in the world. Bright 
takes the superficial view that all people do who don't 
understand ,the country. They pick out the cheap parts, 
compare them with similar ones in Europe, and say 
that is a sample of the whole. Well, timid politicians 
here that don't know much more than he does, are 
frightened to death at him, and Lord John Russell, 
and others. I say, give em' rope enough and they 
will hang themselves. Reform, as far as I can see, is 
the political bunkum of the House of Commons : no- 
body takes any interest in it but the members themselves. 
Wherever you go, people say the country is going to the 
devil. Well I have heard that cry to home long before 
I saw England, and yet we go ahead, and England goes 
ahead in spite of such critters ; we can't help prosperin. 
The only difference between the two countries is, as I have 
said, people in England think they are going to the bad all 
the time, we only think so once in four years. I shall never 
forget what Uncle Peleg said to me once : — " Neph," 
said he, "I used to take great interest in politics once, 
but I have given it up now. It don't matter a cent I 
see, who is up, or who is down ; there ain't much to choose 
among our political parties ; pelf, pickings, and patron- 
age, salaries and offices, is all either of them care for. 



300 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

When Jefferson was elected, sais I to myself, the country- 
is ruinated : here is a freethinker, a slave-holder, and a 
southerner, who has beat John Adams, the New England 
candidate ; he will spread infidelity through the land, he 
will sap the morals of our youth, he'll join in European 
wars, he will involve us with France, the British will slip in, 
conquer us again, and enslave us once more as colonists ; 
we are done for, we are up a tree, our republican flint is 
fixed, we shall be strangled in the cradle as an infant 
nation, and the crowner will find a verdict, ' died by the 
hands of Thomas Jefferson.' I sat up late that night at 
Springfield, with some patriots and heroes of Bunker's 
Hill, and the battle of Mud Creek, to hear the result of 
the election for President, for we were all for John 
Adams. It was eleven o'clock at night when the word 
came ; we were all excited, drinking success to Adams, 
and confusion to Jefferson, glory to the nation, prosperity 
to religion, perdition to freethinkers, infidels, and southern 
candidates, with other patriotic toasts, when in rushed 
Deacon Properjohn, his eyes starein six ways for Sunday, 
his hair blowin about like a head of broom corn, and his 
breath a' most gone. ' Hullo,' says I, * Deacon, what is 
the matter of you ? who is dead, and what is to pay 
now ?' ' Why,' sais he, striking the table with his fist a 
blow that made all the glasses jingle again, 'I'll be 
darned if that old unbelievin sinner Jefferson hain't beat 
Adams by a majority of one,' and he burst out into 
tears. ' Our great nation is ruinated, swamped, foundered, 

and done for, for ever ' There wasn't a word spoke 

for the matter of two minutes, we were so flabbergasted ; 
at last we all gave lip together : * Oh, gracious,' sais one, 
* better we had never fought and bled.' ' Better,' sais 
another, ' if we had never resisted the British ; only think of 
that onprincipled man being elected over such a true patriot 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 301 

as Adams ; ' and then we all agreed the country was 
undone for ever. Then we consoled ourselves with drinking 
perdition to Jefferson, and set up a howl in chorus over 
the old Bay State, that took the lead, and bore the brunt 
of the revolution, bein chizelled out of its president this 
way. At last I fainted, as if I had been knocked down, 
was carried home by four men, and put to bed." "Are 
you sure you wasn't drunk, uncle ?" sais I. " Quite cer- 
tain," he said ; " I might have been overtaken, I won't 
say I wasn't overcome like, for a very little will do that, 
you know, when you are excited, but I am sure I wasn't 
sewed up, for I remember everything that happened. 
When they brought me home, sais your Aunt Nabby to 
me, * Peleg/ says she, ' what on airth is the matter ; 
have you been runned over?' 'No,' sais I. 'Have 
you had a fall, dear ?' ' No, it ain't that.' ' Then what 
is it, love ?' ' The nation is ruinated, Jeff — Jeff — Jeffer- 
son is elected, and the rep — rep — republic has gone to 
the dev — vil.' ' Oh, I see,' said she, ' you are in a fair 
way to go to him yourself, acting in that prepostulous 
manner. Who cares whether Jefferson is elected or not ?' 
she continued, ' I am sure I don't ; what is it to the 
like of us ? You are intosticated, Peleg, as sure as the 
world.' ' No I ain't,' sais I ; ' it's only grief, Nabby dear, 
my heart is broke.' ' Is that all, you goney ?' says she, 
' it's lucky your precious neck ain't broke ;' and she called 
the nigger helps, and hauled me off to bed, and the way 
she tumbled me in wasn't the way she put up her best 
chiney tea set, I can tell you. Oh, I couldn't have 
been drunk, nephy, for I recollected every word that 
passed. Well, next morning I woke up, none of the 
earliest I can tell you, with a thunderin headache, and my 
heart een a'most broke. I called, and called ever so 
loud, before I could make any one hear me. At last up 



302 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

came your aunt, lookin as fierce as a she-cat facin a dog. 
* What's all that noise ?' says I. i The girls at their 
spinnin wheels,' said she. ' Stop them,' sais I, ' it's no 
use now ; Jefferson is elected, and the country is ruin- 
ated.' Gracious, how her eyes flashed at that; she 
stooped down, seized the bed-clothes just under my chin, 
dragged them right off, and threw them all into the 
corner of the room. ' Now get up this instant minute, 
and go and look after the spring-work, or we will be 
ruined in airnest.' ' It's no use,' said I, ' if Adams had 
got in, the country would have been saved. He was the 
father of the country ; but Jefferson ! Oh dear, the jig 
is up now. You thought I was drunk last night, but I 
wasn't ; and you see I am not tipsy now. I tell you we 
are done for.' Well, she altered her course, and sat 
down on the bed alongside of me, and said, ( Dear Peleg, 
if you love me, don't talk nonsense. Let us reason it 
out.' (And this, I think, Ephe, you must have found 
out, that women, though they like to sail before the wind, 
know how to tack too, when it's a-head.) ' Now,' sais she, 
' Peleg, dear, suppose John Adams, the mean, stingy, 
close-fisted, cunning old lawyer had got in — you know 
you pay him fifteen cents a ton for the granite you take 
to Boston out of his quarry, at Quinsey ; suppose you went 
to him, and said, President, I did my possibles at your 
election for you, will you let me have it for twelve 
cents ?' ' No ; I don't think he would,' said I. < Well, 
you owe neighbour Burford two hundred dollars, sposin 
you went to Adams, and told him all your claims, and 
asked him to lend you that amount to prevent Burford 
suing you, would he lend it to you ?' * No ; I don't think 
he would, unless I gave him a mortgage, and paid ever 
so much expenses.' ' Well, then, you see, he would do 
you no good. Now, Jefferson is in, and I won't gainsay 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 303 

you about his character ; for though he talks liberal about 
slaves, it's well known he has sold some of his own half- 
caste children. Captain Card, of Red Bank, who goes 
every year to Charlestown, Virginia, with a cargo of 
onions, hams, and coffins, sais it's the common talk there.' 
' Ain't that enough to ruin the risin generation ?' sais 
I. * No,' says she, ' but to ruin his own character. Well, 
now that he is in, what harm is he a-going to do to hurt 
you ? Won't the corn ripen as usual ?' * Well, I suppose it 
will, if the airly frost don't catch it.' ' Won't the cows 
give milk, and the sheep wool for shearing, as they used to 
did ?' ' Well, I can't deny that.' * And won't the colts grow 
up fit for market as before ? for every year we get more 
and more for our young horse s.' ' Well, I won't contradict 
you.' ' Won't our children grow up as fast ?' ' Ah, there,' 
I said, ' is the rub ; they grow too fast now ; nine children 

in twelve years, as we have ' I couldn't finish the 

sentence, she gave it me first on one cheek, and then on 
the other, like wink, and then she went to the wash-stand, 
got hold of the ewer, swashed the whole of the water into 
my face, and cut off out of the room, leaving me shiver- 
ing and shaking, like a feller in the ague. Well, it 
was the month of March, which you know in New Eng- 
land don't give the sun-stroke ; the bedclothes had been 
off for some time, and then came this cold bath, so I ups, 
dresses, and outs in no time. When I came down stairs, 
she was waitin for me in the entry. 'Peleg, dear,' said 
she, ' I want to say a word to you, come into this room ; 
here is amost a capital breakfast for you, tea, coffee, 
smoked salmon, crumpets, doughnuts, preserved quinces, 
done by my own hands, and everything you used to like. 
There is one little favour, dear ' (and she puts her arms 
round my neck, and kissed me ; and who in the world can 
stand that, for I never could.) ' Granted,' said I, * before 



304 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

you name it. What is it ?' ' Never bother your head 
about elections ; a vote is a curse to a man ; it involves 
him in politics, excites him, raises a bushel of enemies, 
and not one friend for him, and makes him look tipsy, as 
you did last night, though you warn't the least in liquor.' 
' I thank you for that, Nabby,' sais I, ' for I wasn't, I do 
assure you.' ' Of course not,' she said ; * I see I was to 
blame in thinking you was. Let us mind our own busi- 
ness, and let others mind theirn. Whoever hoes his 
own row, gets the most corn.' ' I will,' sais I ; ' you will 
never hear me talk politics agin as long as I live, I can 
tell you.' ' Ah,' said she, ' what a sensible man you are, 
Peleg ! your judgment is so good, you are so open to con- 
viction, only place a thing before you.' i As pretty as 
you, Nabby,' sais I, 'and it's all right.' Well, we had a 
sort of courtin breakfast that mornin, and parted on ex- 
cellent terms. I was the most sensible man in all crea- 
tion, and she the loveliest ; and instead of fancying the 
country was going to the devil, we pitched both old Jef- 
ferson and old Adams to him. Since that, I have taken 
my wife's advice, and attended to my own affairs, inste ad 
of those of the nation. I observe that bankers, lawyers, mer- 
chants, and farmers grow rich ; but that politicians are like 
carrion birds, always poor, croaking, and hungry, and not 
over particular as to the flavour of their food, or how they 
obtain it. If Jefferson had, arter our independence, taken 
to cultivatin the estate his father left him, he wouldn't have 
had in his old age to sell it, by arascally lottery, as he did." ' 
'Ahem,' said the Senator, who took advantage of the 
momentary pause in this unconscionable digression to 
resume the conversation which the other had diverted. 
'Yes, one year is pretty much like another, but the 
festivities of Christmas are in such close proximity to 
those of the new year, that the moral and religious reflec- 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 305 

tions to which the period ought to give rise are in a great 
measure if not wholly overlooked. It is a serious thing 
to think that we are one entire year nearer the grave 
than we were on that day twelvemonths, and to reflect 
that the self-examination so appropriate to the occasion is 
postponed to what we are pleased to call a more fitting 
occasion.' 

* Is Christmas kept with you as it is with us in Eng- 
land ?' I inquired. 

1 Yes, I should say it was/ he replied; 'but in a 
greater variety of ways, according to the customs of the 
fatherland of the original emigrants. In a country like 
ours, and that of British America, where he who tills the 
soil owns it, and where industry and economy always 
insure abundance, you may well suppose that there are 
many, very many family reunions at Christmas, in which 
peace and plenty are enjoyed, and acknowledged by joyful 
and thankful hearts.' 

* That's your experience, is it ?' said Mr. Peabody. 
' It is,' said Mr. Boodle. 

'Well, then, it ain't mine,' rejoined the other. 'Of 
all the uncomfortable things in this world, an assembly 
of brothers and sisters, and uncles and aunts, and imps of 
children is the worst. They snarl like the deuce ; some 
is a little better off than others, and somehow that has 
a tendency to raise the chin, and make the upper lip 
stiff; some is a little wus off, and then like soil that is 
worn out and poor, up springs the worst weed in the 
world ; some call it envy, and some jealousy, but I call it 
devil weed. Then some are pets of the old folks, and 
when they talk it into them, the others wink and nod at 
each other, as much as to say, " do you see that ; that's 
the way Tom got the yoke of oxen last fall, and Sally the 
side-saddle boss." And then every one's child is 



306 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

handsomer or bigger than the other's baby, and it's 
hardly possible to award the prize to the one that cries 
and scratches the most. Save me from family parties ; 
nothen in nature quals them. Give me the meetin where 
nobody cares a snap of a finger for nobody in particular, 
and has no interest but in a good feed, a good song, a 
good smoke, and chain-lightning to top it all oiF with. 

' I never saw but one good family party in my life, or one 
in which all was pleased, and all kissed and shook hands 
together. It was at the read en arter old Deacon Tite's 
funeral. He was my uncle, so I attended to hear the 
will out of curiosity, to see what my mother was to get, 
though we all knew pretty well, for he had often said he 
would divide even among his sisters for he had no 
children. But he cut up better nor anybody could have 
guessed ; he was a hundred thousand dollars richer than 
he was valued at, and he divided that like the rest, 
with some few little bequests. He gave my brother, 
Pete, his gold watch, and he left me his blessing ; 
and do you know I offered to swap that with Pete for his 
watch, but the mean, stingy crittur refused, unless I 
gave a hundred dollars boot, which was more than 
the turnip was worth. I lost my bequest by giving my 
uncle lip one day. I told him he was Tite by 
name, and tight by natur, so I didn't expect nothen, 
and I wasn't disappointed. Oh, but didn't the rest all 
sing his praises, and then sing each other's praises — 
wern't they happy, that's all. We got into the cellar, got 
at his No. 1 cider, his old pine-apple rum, his port, that 
was in such earthy, spider-webby, dirty old bottles, 
you'd have thought it was dug out of the grave of Lisbon, 
when the earthquake filled it all of a sudden, old Ma- 
deira, bottled afore the Revolution, and old sherry that 
tasted nice-nasty of the goat-skins it was fetched to 



THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 307 

market in, and then put into magnums. Creation ! what 
a thanksgiving-day we made of it ! We cracked nuts, 
cracked jokes, kissed our pretty cousins, told old stories, 
and invented new ones. That was a happy day, I tell 
you, and the only happy family party I ever witnessed. 
But, mind you, it only lasted one day. The next mornin 
the plate was to be divided, and aunt's trinkets, beads, 
corals and pearls, bracelets and necklaces, diamond ear- 
rings, and what not. So arter breakfast they was ex- 
hibited on the table. Then came the scrabble. Lord ! 
the women were a caution to hungry dogs with whelps. 
The way they grabbled, and screamed, and yelled, and 
talked, all at once, was astonishin. Mother was sittin in 
the corner crying her heart out. Sais she, " I can prove, 
Mr. Tite gave me that beautiful silver-tea-urn, but I don't 
claim it ; I only want to have it in my share, for I have 
a particular regard for it." " I'll get it for you," says 
I. So I walks up to the table where they was all talkin 
at the top eend of their voices, and I let off the Indian 
warwhoop in grand style. First they all shrieked, and 
then for a minute there was silence ; and sais I, " Mother 
is it this old tea-urn you wanted ?" " Yes," sais she, " it 
is." "Then here it is/' sais I, "as the eldest, you have 
the first choice." She got it, and walked off with it, 
leaving all the rest hard at it. The division of them 
personal articles made enemies of all the relations ever 
after ! No, said he, rising, ' none of your family parties 
for me ; connexions at best are poor friends, and com- 
monly bitter enemies. If you want nothing, go to them, 
and you are sure to get it ; if you are in want of any 
assistance, go to a stranger-friend you have made for 
yourself, and that's the boy that has a heart and a hand 
for you. And now I will leave Senator and you to finish 



308 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

your cigars ; and as mine is out, and my whisky, too, by 
your leave I'll turn in ; so good night.' 

' That is one of the oddest fellows I ever knew,' said 
the Senator ; ' but there is more in him than you would 
suppose from his appearance or conversation. He is 
remarkable for his strong common sense and quickness of 
perception. But at times his interruptions annoy me ; he 
seems to take a pleasure in diverting the conversation you 
are engaged in to some other topic^ either by telling you 
a story in illustration of, or opposition to, your views, or 
by taking upon himself to converse upon some totally 
different topic. One can scarcely believe that a trite 
observation, such as I made to you, about one year being 
very like its predecessor, could by any possibility have 
afforded him a peg upon which to hang all the stories with 
which he has favoured us to-night. I should have liked 
to answer your inquiries fully, and to have given you a 
description of the various ways in which Christmas is kept 
in America. On some future occasion I will do so ; but 
now the evening is so far advanced I believe I must follow 
Mr. Peabody's example this once, at least, and retire. 
Good night, and a happy Christmas to you wherever you 
pass it.' 



( 309 ) 



No. XL 

COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 

The following day I strolled with my American friends 
into the Park, through the narrow, dingy, and unseemly 
entrance from Spring Gardens. A few minutes' walk 
brought us in front of the Horse Guards, where we 
paused for a while to witness a military review. We then 
proceeded to the Serpentine, where we watched the gay 
and fashionable throng, that, attracted by the crowd of 
skaters, increased the number and brilliancy of the groups 
that they themselves came to admire. 

' The more I see of this great capital,' observed the 
Senator, ' the more astonished I am at its population and 
wealth. Places of public resort, of every description, are 
thronged with people, and the crowds that frequent and 
fill them do not perceptibly diminish the multitudes that 
are usually seen in the fashionable streets or business 
thoroughfares. The number of private carriages abroad, 
during a fine day in the season, is almost incredible. 
There are everywhere evidences of great opulence in this 
metropolis that attract and astonish a stranger. The city 
appears to him like a large estuary, receiving tributary 
streams of wealth from all parts of the globe, and dis- 
charging an increasing flood of riches in return ; the 
region between that and Bond-street as the emporium of 



310 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

everything that is costly and rare, and the West End as 
the stately abode of people of rank and fortune. All this 
is perceptible at a glance, and a cursory survey fills his 
mind with astonishment, but on closer inspection he finds 
that he has seen only the surface of things. As he 
pursues his investigations, he learns that the city is a vast 
warehouse for the supply of the whole world ; that its 
merchants own half the public stock of every civilized 
nation ; that there are docks and depositories underneath 
the surface, containing untold and inconceivable wealth ; 
and that the shop windows in the streets of fashionable 
resort, though they glitter with gold and silver, or are 
decked with silks, satins, laces, shawls, and the choicest and 
most expensive merchandise, convey but a very inadequate 
idea of the hoards that are necessarily packed into the 
smallest possible space, and stored away in the lofts above, 
or the vaults beneath. Pursuing his inquiries in the West, 
he finds that the stately mansions he beholds there are the 
mere town residences, during " the season," of a class 
who have enormous estates in the country, with princely 
palaces, castles, and halls, and that there are amongst them 
one thousand individuals, whose united property would 
more than extinguish the national debt. Such is the 
London, of which he has read and heard so much, the 
centre of the whole commercial world, the exchange 
where potentates negotiate loans for the purposes of war 
or peace, the seat of the arts and sciences, and the source 
of all the civilization and freedom that is to be found 
among the nations of the earth. But great, and rich, and 
powerful as it is, it does not stand in the same relation to 
England, as Paris does to France ; it is independent, but 
not omnipotent ; there are other towns only second to it 
in population and capital, such as Manchester, Liverpool, 
Birmingham, Glasgow, and others, of which the wealth is 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 311 

almost fabulous. Well may an Englishman be proud of 
his country. In every quarter of the globe, he finds that 
it is stamping the impress of its language, its institutions, 
and its liberty. You and I, who have travelled so far, 
and seen so much, have beheld yonder British soldier at 
Gibraltar, Malta, and Corfu, at the Cape, the ports of the 
East Indies, Hong Kong, Australia, and New Zealand, 
in the West Indies, and Newfoundland, Halifax, Quebec, 
and the shores of the Pacific. Great Britain fills but a 
small place on the map, but owns and occupies a large 
portion of the globe. Her first attempts at coloniza- 
tion, like those of other European powers, were not 
very successful, but the loss of the old provinces, that now 
constitute the United States, has taught her wisdom. She 
has at last learned that the true art of governing her dis- 
tant possessions consists in imparting to the people that 
freedom which she herself enjoys, and in seeking remune- 
ration for her outlay, not by monopolizing their commerce, 
but by enlarging it ; not in compelling them to seek their 
supplies at her hands, but in aiding them to become opu- 
lent and profitable customers. She has discovered that 
affection and interest are stronger and more enduring 
ties, than those imposed by coercion ; that there are in 
reality no conflicting interests between herself and her 
dependencies, and that the happiness and prosperity of 
both are best promoted and secured by as much mutual 
independence of action as is compatible with the undis- 
puted and indispensable rights of each, and^'the due rela- 
tion of one part of the empire to the other, and to the 
whole.' 

' Do you not suppose,' I said, ' that in process of time, 
as our colonies become more populous and more wealthy, 
they will follow the order of nature, grow self-reliant, and 
become distinct and independent nations T 



312 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

6 Some,' he replied, ' undoubtedly will, but there are 
others, that by judicious arrangements, may probably 
remain part and parcel of the Empire. There is a vast 
difference between the colonies in the East, and those in 
the West. The former are held by a very fragile tenure, 
and it is difficult to say how soon they may be severed 
from British control. Australia perhaps will at no very 
distant period, claim its independence, and if the demand 
be made with unanimity, and appears to be the " well 
understood wish of the people," it will doubtless be con- 
ceded to them. It is obviously neither the interest nor 
the wish of this country to compel a reluctant obedience, 
even if it possesses the power, which is more than doubt- 
ful. The emigrant, when he leaves Great Britain for 
Australia, leaves it for ever. In becoming a colonist he 
ceases to be an Englishman ; he voluntarily casts his 
lot in another hemisphere, and severs the ties, social 
and national, that bind him to his own. While all 
is strange about him a feeling of loneliness and exile 
may oppress him, and cause him to cast a longing 
lingering look towards the land he has left. During this 
state of mind, he finds relief in transmitting to his 
friends and relatives tidings of himself, and asking the 
consolation of letters in return. By degrees the cor- 
respondence slackens, and finally ceases altogether ; new 
associates supply the place of his early friends ; and as 
imagination and hope are stronger than memory, the Old 
World soon becomes, as it were, a dream in the New. 
The interminable ocean is a barrier to the emigrant's 
return ; and although that is not insuperable in itself, the 
great expense of a double voyage precludes his enter- 
taining the idea of ever revisiting his native land. Where 
everything is new, the old is forgotten as soon as laid 
aside ; a change of climate, of habits, of wants, and of 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 313 

employments, requires him to accommodate himself to his 
altered circumstances ; and the present occupies his 
thoughts to the exclusion of the past. Those among 
whom his lot is cast, have made the country what it is, 
and claim it as their own. He is among them, and of 
them ; he is an Australian in thought, in word, and in 
deed. The history of his country is soon learned, for it 
has started into existence in his own lifetime. Although 
precocious, it has not outgrown its strength, and it gives 
promise of a still more rapid development. All that he 
beholds around him is at once the effect and cause of 
progress, and the dull monotony of the Old World con- 
trasts strangely with the excitement of the New. Where 
everything is to be planned, adopted, and executed, the 
energies of all are put into requisition, and industry and 
ordinary frugality promise profit as well as remuneration. 
The land of his adoption has a future, the early dawn 
of which discloses nationality and greatness. It is self- 
supporting, and is not dependent upon the mother country ; 
it has other markets besides those of Great Britain ; it 
possesses a continental, a colonial, and a foreign trade of its 
own, and its commerce is already extending to the shores 
of the Pacific. It is the England of the East. The hos- 
tile attitude lately assumed by France has already raised 
the question of independence among the settlers, which is 
still engrossing public attention. " Ought we," they say, 
"to be involved in European wars, in which we have 
no direct interest, which are undertaken on grounds in 
which we have no concern, and are conducted and ter- 
minated without our assent. We are told that we must 
provide for our own defences. If we provoke attack, it is 
reasonable we should be prepared to repel it : but if the 
quarrel is between others, those who involve us in war, 
should, in common justice, shield us from its ravages. We 

p 



314 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

have everything to lose, and nothing to gain, by hostilities. 
If England is unable to provide suitable coast defences 
for herself, how can we do so with a far greater extent of 
seaboard, with a sparse population, and without an army 
or navy of our own? The sovereignty is nominal, the 
danger real. Our independence can do England no harm, 
because in proportion to our means, we shall always be 
among her best customers, while it will save our shipping 
from seizure, our seaport towns from bombardment, and 
our colonial and foreign trade from annihilation. We 
are too far removed from you to give assistance, or receive 
protection. The policy of the United States is not to 
intermeddle in European politics, a similarity of condition 
indicates the propriety of a like abstinence on our part. 

' Such, my dear sir, I know to be the language of the 
Australians, and such, I foresee, will be the ultimate 
result. New Zealand is similarly situated. As respects 
the East Indian provinces, you have recently very nearly 
lost them by the rebellion of the natives. If France or 
Russia should be at war with you, either of them is in a 
condition to fan the smouldering embers of discontent 
into another outbreak, and the result would, doubtless, be 
most disastrous, The North American colonies are very 
differently situated in every respect ; they may be damaged 
by either of those great powers, and especially by the 
former, but they can never be conquered. Unlike 
Australia, they have a vast inhabited back country, 
into which an enemy cannot penetrate, and they are 
only assailable in a few maritime towns, which con- 
stitute but a small part of their wealth, and contain a 
still smaller portion of their population. They are settled 
by a brave, intelligent, loyal, and above all, a homoge- 
neous race, not very powerful for aggression, but fully com- 
petent, with very slight assistance to defend themselves ; 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 315 

and be assured, we should never permit any other Euro- 
pean nation but Great Britain to hold them. It is a 
settled principle with us, that no portion of our continent 
shall ever again be subject to any foreign power. So long 
as the connexion lasts with England we shall respect it, 
and if they should become independent, we shall recognise 
the Government de facto, and welcome it into the family 
of American nations. With judicious management, I 
can see no reason why they should ever be severed from 
the parent country. Now, the inhabitants of Australia 
are emigrants, and not natives ; they are a new people, 
suddenly elevated into wealth and political importance, 
exercising the novel powers of self-government, somewhat 
intoxicated with their great prosperity, and like all novi 
homines similarly situated, they exhibit no little self-suf- 
ficiency. They are impatient of control or interference, 
and can but ill brook the delay that necessarily arises in 
their official correspondence with the Imperial Govern- 
ment, from the immense distance it has to traverse before 
it reaches its destination. They think, and with some 
truth, that their condition is not understood, or their 
value duly appreciated ; and that the treatment they re- 
ceive from the Downing-street officials is neither conci- 
liatory nor judicious. They feel that they can stand 
alone, and their language indicates a desire to try the 
experiment. 

' The great bulk of the North American population, on 
the contrary, is of native growth, — the people have been 
born under the form of Government they now enjoy, and 
have practically known no other. They retained their 
loyalty during the trying period of our Revolution, and 
defended themselves with great gallantry during the war 
of 1812, when their country was invaded by our 
troops. Steam has so abridged the time formerly oc- 

p2 



316 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

cupied by a passage across the Atlantic, that their 
principal men continually pass and repass between 
their respective colonies and Great Britain, and feel 
as if they constituted part of the same population. Daily 
packets have so facilitated correspondence, that three 
weeks now suffice for the transmission of letters and re- 
plies, while the telegraphic wire will soon place the people 
on both sides of the Atlantic within speaking distance. 
A passage from Quebec, or Halifax, to England, can now 
be effected in as short a space of time as was occupied, 
thirty years ago in a journey from the west coast of Ire- 
land to London ; and it is confidently predicted that the 
voyage will soon be accomplished in five days. Distance, 
therefore, constitutes no obstacle to a continuance of the 
union, nor do the wishes or interests of the people tend to 
a severance. It is a startling and extraordinary circum- 
stance (but I am firmly convinced of the fact), that the 
colonists are more desirous than the Whig Government, 
for a continuance of the union. It has been the practice 
of that party, for the last fifty years, to undervalue the 
importance of their colonies, to regard them as incum- 
brances, to predict their inevitable tendency to become 
independent, and to use them, while the connexion con- 
tinues, as a mere field for patronage for their dependents 
and supporters. Acting upon this conviction, they have 
been at no pains to conciliate the people, either by aiding 
them in their internal improvements, or admitting them 
to any share of the Imperial patronage, while they have 
carefully excluded them from any voice in that depart- 
ment which has the supervision of the vast colonial de- 
pendencies of the empire. This has been borne patiently 
with the hope that better counsels might ultimately pre- 
vail, but it will not be tolerated for ever. Political, like 
social alliances, can never be durable, when all the duties 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 317 

are on one side, and all the power and emoluments on the 
other. ■ 

' With respect to the cumbrous and inefficient machi- 
nery of the Colonial Office/ I said, ' I entirely agree with 
you. I have been in British America myself, and have 
heard the same complaints from leading men of all par- 
ties, in the several provinces. They reprobate the con- 
stant change, as well as the uncertain attendance of the 
Minister, whose time is more occupied with the politics 
and interests of his party than the business of his own de- 
partment , and whose authority is weakened and con- 
trolled by the action of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, 
the Board of Trade, and the Lords of the Treasury. A 
friend of mine told me the other day, that a few years ago 
he came to this country to conclude some matters of great 
importance, that were in abeyance, and found, en his ar- 
rival, that the Secretary of State for the Colonies was 
attending a Congress at Vienna, and that after waiting- 
some time, at great personal inconvenience and expense, 
he was compelled to return to America. A second voy- 
age to England, soon became indispensable, when after 
having made some progress in his negotiations, he learned 
with dismay that the Minister had retired from office, and 
the whole affair had to be commenced de novo. Most 
men thus detained,have private or public duties at home 
that must necessarily be suspended during these intermi- 
nable delays, and it is not unusual for a suitor to be com- 
pelled to leave the matter in an unfinished state, and 
re -cross the Atlantic. The arrival of every steamer 
there, is anxiously watched, and at last his friends, or 
his agents, write to inform him that there is a change of 
Government and of policy, that it is difficult to say what 
views may be entertained by the new Secretary of State, 
but that before he can possibly decide, he must be 
informed of the facts of the case ; that the ground must 



318 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

again be gone over, the same delays endured, and the 
same expense incurred as before. Nor is this all : they 
complain that, during the recess, they may call day after 
day in Downing-street, without being able to obtain an 
interview with the Chief. When he is inquired for, the 
answers vary, but are all to the same effect, " he is in 
the country, and not expected back till next week ;" or, 
" he is attending a Cabinet Council, and will leave town 
immediately afterwards ;" or, " he has not been at the 
office to-day." Nor is the applicant often more fortunate 
in obtaining an interview with the political Under Secre- 
tary. He, too, is frequently occupied elsewhere ; for in- 
stance, the former is now at his country residence in the 
north, and the latter is in Ireland.' 

* But the clerks are there.' 

6 Yes, but clerks have no power, beyond that of re- 
ceiving papers and transmitting replies ; and if they had, 
who would like to transact business with them ? Are the 
affairs of forty-three colonies of less importance than 
those of a private individual ; or are they governed by 
different rules ? What lawyer could retain his clients, if 
their interviews were restricted to his clerks ; or what 
medical man could maintain his practice, if his patients 
were referred to his apothecary ? A bank or a mercantile 
firm conducted in this manner, would soon become insol- 
vent. The most irresponsible office in the kingdom, is 
that of a Colonial Minister. He makes no report to 
Parliament of his doings, and if he did, so intent are 
members on the business of their own party, or that of 
their constituents, that few would listen to it. His 
decisions are final in the distant parts of the empire ; for 
to whom can colonists appeal ? They have no representa- 
tives in the House of Commons whose duty it is to attend 
to their complaints, or promote their welfare ; and the 
public press, unless the grievance be most flagrant, is oc- 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 319 

cupied with matter of greater interest to its readers. The 
separation of a man and his wife in the Divorce Court, 
will engross more attention than the severance of a colony, 
and a police report, or an account of the Derby, appeal 
more directly to the sympathies or pockets of the people, 
than a squabble between a province and a Secretary of 
State.' 

' Yes,' said Mr. Peabody, — who had been silent for an 
unusually long time, and who was evidently getting tired 
of so serious a conversation, — ' Yes, I guess the Derby is 
more racy. Was you ever at the great American Circus 
in Leicester square ? 'cause if you were, you've seen Sam 
Condon stand upon a pair of hosses, one foot on one, and 
one foot on t'other, and drive two span of piebald cattle 
before him, as easy as drinkin'. Well now, don't it look 
as if it was a most wonerful feat ? and don't people cheer 
him and hurrah him as if he was taking the shine out of 
all creation ? Well, it's just nothen at all, it ain't him 
that drives, but the horses that go ; it's trainin' and cus- 
tom in the cattle, and not skill in the rider ; he ain't the 
smallest part of a circumstance to it ; he has as little to 
do with it as the padded saddle he stands on. The hosses 
do it all, for they are obedient, and go round and round 
of themselves ; but just let them two he stands on only 
pull apart, and down he'd go lumpus, like a fellow atween 
two chairs ; or let 'em kick up, and away he'd go flying 
over their heads, and like as not break his neck. Now 
that's the case with your Colonial Minister ; he don't 
manage the Colonies, but they manage themselves, and in 
general they go their circumferation quiet enough. But 
neither Sam Condon nor he knows how to handle the 
reins ; nary one of 'em can do more than go through the 
form. Lettin' cattle that know the road go of themselves 
is one thing, and driving of them is another ; any pas- 



320 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

senger on the box can do the first, but t'other requires a 
good eye, a strong arm, a light hand, and a cool head, I 
can tell you. As uncle Peleg said when he went to 
night-school arter he was grow'd up, " readin' and writin," 
said he to the master, " is easy enough, any darned fool 
can do that, but spellin' is the devil." So any coach, 
whether it is a state or a stage waggon, in a general way, 
is easy managed, but when you slump into a honey-pot, 
hosses and all, or get into a pretty frizzle of a fix, between 
a pine stump on one side, amd a rut on t'other axle-tree 
deep, or have to turn an icy corner sharp, or pass a 
sloping, slippery, frozen glare, or to pull through a deep 
ford that runs like a mill-race, with a team that's one-half 
devils and t'other half cowards, it requires a fellow that 
knows how to yell, to skeer, to strike, and when to do it^ 
and the way to steer to a hair's breadth, I can tell you. 

' Lord, I shall never forget how I astonished a British 
navy officer once. When I was a youngster, I owned and 
drove the stage coach from Goshen to Boston ; my team 
consisted of six as beautiful greys as ever mortal man laid 
eyes on ; they were as splendid critters as was ever 
bound up in hoss hide, I tell you, real smashers, sixteen 
hands high, and trot a mile in 2-40, every one on 'em. 
Oh, they were rael dolls and no mistake ; I never was so 
proud of anything in my life as I was of that six-hoss 
team. Well, I had the British captain alongside of me, 
and he was admirin' as much as I was a-braggin' of them, 
when I showed 'em off a leetle, just a leetle too much, a 
puttin' of them on their mettle, and pushing them a-head, 
when away they went like wink', and raced off as if Old 
Scratch himself had kicked them all on eend. The way 
the women inside shrieked, was a caution to steam- 
whistles, for they were frightened out of their seven 
senses, and the captain was skeered too (for courage is a 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 321 

sort of habit, and nothen else ; clap a sodger on a fore- 
topsail-yard, and set him to reefing, and see if he don't 
look skywonoky out of his eyes. Or mount a sailor on a 
mettlesome nag, and see if he don't hold on by the mane 
and crupper, or jump overboard ; and yet both on 'em 
may be as brave as lions in their own line). Well, it 
frightened the captain out of a year's growth, T tell you. 
He made a grab at the reins to help me haul 'em up. 
" Hands off," sais I, " leave them to me, it's only funnin' 
they are ;" and I gave a yell loud enough to wake 
the dead in a churchyard we was passing, cracked the 
whip, and made 'em go still faster, right agin a long 
steep hill ahead of us, and when they reached the top of 
it, a little blown, I just held 'em in hand, and brought 
'em down to a trot. "Uncommon good, that," said he, 
"why, I thought they were runnin' away." "So did 
they," said I, " but they forgot I could follow as fast as 
they could run." Now hosses and men are more like 
than you'd think — you must know their natures to manage 
them. How can a man govern colonies who never saw 
one, or onderstand the folks there, who are as different 
from old-country people as chalk is from cheese, when he 
never lived among 'em, and knows nothen about their 
wants, habits, train of thoughts, or prejudices ? 

'Why, it don't stand to reason, nor convene to the 
natur of things— Latin and Greek may do for governing 
Oxford or Cambridge, but Gladstone found Homer didn't 
help him at Corfu, where he made an awful mess of 
matters, and Palmerston will have to talk something 
better than he learned in Ovid, or Virgil, to the Pope. 
The Governor-General of Canada has written a book 
since he went there, and what do you think it is about ? 
The Quebec and Halifax Railway ? No, that's trady. 

p 3 



322 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

The monopoly of the Norwest Company, that obstructs 
the settlement of a country as big as all France ? No, 
that would bring down the great bear-hunter, and the 
Lord knows who upon him. The construction of a prac- 
ticable route from Canada to Vancouver's Island, by 
which the China trade might be made to pass through the 
British territory ? No, for that would involve expense 
and trouble, and he might get a hint he had better mind 
his own business. An historical, geographical, and sta- 
tistical account of British North America ? No, that 
country is growing so fast, it would require a new edition 
every year. Do you give it up ? Well, it is a treatise 
on the words, " could, would, and should." Now he 
could write somethin' more to the purpose, if he would, 
and he should do it, too, if he held office under me, that's 
a fact. Yes, it takes a horseman to select cattle for the 
lead, or the pole, and a coachman of the right sort to 
drive them too, and it takes a man who knows all about 
colonies, and the people that dwell there, to select 
governors of the right sort, and to manage them, when he 
gets the collar on 'em. State-craft ain't larned by 
instinct, for even dogs who beat all created critters for 
that, have to be trained. It ain't book larnin that is 
wanted in Downing-street ; if it was, despatches might 
be wrote like the Pope's allocutions in Latin, but it's a 
knowledge of men and things that is required. It's not 
dead languages, but living ones that's wanted. Ask the 
head Secretary what the principal export of Canada is, 
and it's as like as not he will refer you to the Board of 
Trade, as it is more in their line than his, and if you go 
there, and put the same question, it's an even chance if 
they don't tell you they are so busy in bothering ship- 
owners with surveys, and holding courts of inquiry, to 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 323 

make owners liable to passengers for accidents, and what 
not, that they haven't time to be pestered with you. 
"Well, don't be discouraged, go back to Colonial Office, 
and try it again. Saia you to head clerk, " What's the 
principal Canadian export ?" " I don't know any of that 
name," he'll say; "there are so many ports there, but I 
should say Quebec." " No," sais you, " not that, but 
what's the chief commodity or production they send to 
Great Britain ?" " Oh, now I understand," he'll say, 
" it's timber, you ought to know that, for we have had 
trouble enough about lumber duties lately." "Well, 
what kind of timber ?" says you, " squared, or manu- 
factured, hard or soft wood, which is the most valuable, 
white, or black Birch, Hemlock or Larch, Cedar, or 
Spruce ; which wood makes the best trenails, and which 
the best knees for a ship ?" Well, I'll take you a bet of 
a hundred dollars he can't tell you. " Then," says you, 
" which is the best flour, Canadian or American ? which 
keeps sweet the longest? and what is the cause of the 
difference ? Have they any iron ore there ? if so, where 
is it, and how is it smelted ? with pit or charred coal ? 
and which makes the best article ? Well the goney will 
stare like a scallawag that has seen the elephant, see if 
he don't ! Now, go into any shop you like in London, 
from Storr and Mortimer's down to the penny bazaar, 
and see if the counterskippers in 'em don't know the 
name, quality, and price of everything they have. Let 
me just ask you, then, is it right that a national office 
like that should be worse served and attended to than 
them, and be no better than a hurrah's nest ? They have 
little to do, are well paid, and ought to know something 
more than how to fold foolscap neat, to write a hand as 
tall as a wir e fence, six orseven hurdles to a page, tie it 
up snug with red tape, enclose it in a large envelope, 



324 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

mark it " On Her Majesty's Service," and then clap a 
great office seal to it as big as a Mexican dollar, to make 
it look important.* 

'The English regard this Colonial Minister as my 
sister Urania did her husband. She was as splendid a 
critter as you ever see, at eighteen or twenty, a rael corn- 
fed, hearty-looking gall. Well, she was uncommon dainty, 
and plaguy hard to please, and she flirted here, and jilted 
there, until she kinder overstood her market. A rose 
don't last for ever, that's a fact. It is lovely when in 
the bud, or expandin' or in bloom, or even full-blown ; 

* The following is the language of a French Canadian, Mr. 
Pothier, as reported by Dr. Bigsby in his ' Shoe and Canoe,' vol. i. 
page 204 : — 

'I concede that the Colonial Office means well, but its good 
intentions are marred by ignorance. Your office people know no- 
thing about us, and mismanage us, as they do all the other colonies. 
They seem to have neither sunlight nor starlight to guide them. 
We have had a hundred incontestable proofs of this. What good 
can an overtasked man, 3,000 miles off, do in my country ? What 
does he know of its wants, modified by climate, customs, and preju- 
dices, as well as by a thousand points in statistics and topography, 
distracted as he is with the cries of forty-two other colonies ? These 
things are only known to him in the rough. He can direct and 
advise on general grounds alone, and, therefore, too often erroneously. 
Besides, he is like one of your churchwardens, only a temporary 
officer. He fears to meddle, and leaves the grief to grow. If we 
have a sensible, useful Colonial Minister to-day he is lost to-morrow, 
and we may have in his place an idle and ill-informed, or a specu- 
lative, hair-splitting, specious man to deal with, never feeling safe, 
and sometimes driven half-mad by his fatal crotchets. The blunders 
committed at home pervade all departments. The Lords of the 
Admiralty send water-tanks for ships sailing on a lake of the purest 
water in the world. The Ordnance Office (or some such , place) 
send cannon to be transported from Quebec into the upper country 
in winter, one gun costing 1,700?., to take it to Kingston, where, 
by-the-by, it never arrived, for it lies to this day in the woods, ten 
miles short of its destination.' 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 325 

but there is a time for perfection and decay, that can't 
be postponed, no how you can fix it ; the colour will fade, 
or wash out in the summer showers, and then it will 
droop with the weight of its own beauty, and the wind 
will deprive it, from time to time, of a leaf, till its size 
and proportion is dwindled to a mere atomy ; if not 
plucked at the right time it's never gathered at all. 
There it hangs pinin' on the parent stock, while younger, 
and fresher, and more attractive ones are chosen by 
fellers to put into their buzzums in preference to it, that 
in its day was far sweeter and lovelier than any of them. 
That was just the case with " Rainy ;" she woke up one 
fine morning arter the marriage of her youngest niece, 
and found she was an old maid, and no mistake. Her 
vanity and her glass had been deceivin' her for ever so 
long, without her knowing it, and makin' her believe that 
some false curls she wore looked so nateral, no soul could 
tell they weren't her own ; that the little artificial colour 
she gave to her cheek with a camel's hair brush, was 
more delicate and more lovely than the glow of youth, 
and that the dentist had improved a mouth that had 
always been unrivalled. 

' Well, to my mind, looking-glasses are the greatest 
enemies ladies have ; they ought all to be broken to eyer- 
lastin' smash. It isn't that they are false, for they ain't ; 
they will reflect the truth if they are allowed. But, un- 
fortunately, truth never looks into them. When a woman 
consults her glass, she wishes to be pleased, she wants 
to be flattered, and to be put on good terms with herself, 
so she treats it as she would her lover ; she goes up to it 
all smiles, looking as amiable, and as beautiful as she 
can. She assumes the most winning air; she gazes at 
the image with all the affection she can call up, her eyes 
beam with intelligence and with love, and her lips appear 



326 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

all a woman could wish, or a man covet. Well, in course 
the mirror gives back that false face to its owner, as it 
receives it ; it ain't fair, therefore, to blame it for being 
onfaithful ; but as ladies can't use it without deceivin' of 
themselves, why total abstinence from it would be better. 
Now, people may deceive themselves if they have a mind 
to, but they can't go on for ever. Time will tell tales. 
Whatever year a gall is born in, she has contemporaries ; 
when she looks at them and sees that they are ageing, or 
the worse for wear, she tries to recall the days of her 
youth, and finds that they are lost in the distance, and 
when she sees her schoolfellows and playmates married 
and parents themselves, all the glasses in the world fail at 
last to make her believe she is still young. 

' Well, the marriage of her niece startled Urania, as a 
shadow does a skittish horse. She left the deep waters 
where the big fish sport themselves, and threw her line 
into the shallow eddies where the minnows are, and she 
hooked little Tim Dooly, a tommy cod of a fellow, that 
was only fit for a bait for something bigger and better. 
It was impossible to look at the critter without laughing. 
Poor thing, it was hard work to fetch her up to the scratch 
at last, it actillv took three ministers and six bridesmaids 
to marry her. She felt she had made a losin' voyage in 
life, but she was clear grit, it didn't humble her one mite 
or mossel, it only made her more scorny than ever, as if 
she defied all the world, and despised what it could say. 
I could see a motion in her throat now and then, as if 
she bit in her breath and swallowed her pride down. She 
actilly held her head so high, when the minister said to 
Dooly, "Salute your bride," that the critter looked up in 
despair, for he couldn't reach her lips. Sais I, out of 
deviltry, "Stand on a chair, Tim." Lord! if you had 
seen her eyes, how they flashed fire at me, it would have 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 327 

astonished you, I know. Age hadn't quenched that, at 
any rate. To prevent folks from noticing how undersized 
he was, she just bent down forward and kissed him. 
Thinks I to myself, " Old fellow, you have had all the 
condescension you will ever get out of her, she has stooped 
to marry you, and then stooped for you to salute her, 
after this, look out for squalls, for there is a tempestical 
time afore you." And so it turned out ; he soon larned 
what it was to live in a house where the hen crows. 
" Rainy," says I to her one day, when she had been givin' 
him a blowin' up, and was sending him off on some arrand 
or another, (for she treated him, poor wretch, as if he had 
been the cause of all her disappointments, instead of the 
plaister to heal them), " Rainy," sais I, " I always told 
you you carried too stiff an upper lip, and that you would 
have to take a crooked stick at last." " Well," says she, 
"Eph, he ain't the tallest and richest husband in the 
world, but he is a peowerful sight better than none." Now 
the English seem to estimate the officer I am speaking of 
the same way ; they think if he ain't what he ought to be, 
he is better than none. But, unfortunately, colonists 
think just the reverse, and say that it is far better to have 
none at all, than an incompetent one, and to tell you the 
truth, I think so too.' 

' What remedy do you propose, Mr. Peabody ?' I said ; 
i what substitute would you recommend for the present 
establishment ?' 

i Well,' he replied, ' it is a matter that don't concarn 
me, and I have reflected but little upon it ; but I should say 
the department should consist of a board wholly composed 
of native colonists or persons who had resided in some one 
of the provinces for a period of not less than fifteen or 
twenty years. It would not much signify then how often 
they changed the minister, or who he was ; the main thing 



328 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

is, the work would be done, and done right too. How- 
somever, I must say this arrangement is nobody's fault 
now, except for allowing it to exist any longer. It's an 
" old institution," that was well enough fifty years ago, 
when colonies were like children in leading-strings, but it 
ain't up to the time of day now, and ought to be reformed 
out.'„ 

i That is quite true,' rejoined the Senator ; ' if public 
attention was once drawn to its inefficiency, no doubt a 
suitable remedy would soon be found for the evil. It is the 
duty as well as the true policy of the British Government, 
to take the subject into its serious consideration. For 
what vast interests are at stake, and what a noble heritage 
is British North America ! It extends in length from 
Cape Sable, in Nova Scotia, to the Russian boundary in 
the Arctic regions, and across the entire Continent, from 
the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean, and embraces an area of 
greater extent than all Europe. The remarks I made to 
you on a former occasion, upon the extraordinary facilities 
for inland navigation enjoyed by Canada, by means of her 
enormous lakes and numerous rivers, are equally appli- 
cable to the lower provinces. New Brunswick, as you 
will see, by reference to a map, is intersected in every 
direction by navigable rivers of great magnitude. The 
St. John, which in size and beauty rivals the Rhine, is 
more than four hundred and fifty miles in length, and 
drains nine millions of acres in that province, besides 
nearly an equal number in the state of Maine and 
Canada, into both of which it extends to a great distance. 
The eastern coast is penetrated at short intervals by 
other rivers, varying from two to three hundred miles in 
length, which afford facilities for settlement as well as 
commerce, unequalled by any other portion of the con- 
tinent beyond the English territories. In like manner, 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 329 

there is no point in Nova Scotia more than thirty miles 
distant from navigable water. The whole of the borders 
of the latter province, and more than two-thirds of those 
of the former, are washed by the ocean, which in that region 
furnishes one of the most extensive and valuable fish- 
eries in the world. Nova Scotia abounds with coal, iron 
ore, gypsum, grindstone, slate, lead, manganese, plum- 
bago, copper, &c, which being recently liberated from 
the monopoly under which they have so long been ex- 
cluded from public competition, will soon attract the ca- 
pital and skill requisite for their development. It is the 
most eastern part of America, and of course the nearest 
to Europe. It is not too much to say that its wonder- 
ful mineral wealth, its noble harbours, its fertile soil, its 
extensive fisheries, its water powers, its temperate climate, 
arising from its insular position, and last, not least, its 
possession of the winter outlet, and through passage by 
railway, from England to New Brunswick, Canada, and 
the United States, all indicate that it is destined for an 
extended commerce, for the seat of manufactories, the 
support of a large population, and for wielding a con- 
trolling power on the American Continent. Assuredly 
it ought to be the object of government to draw together 
in more intimate bonds of connexion the two countries, to 
remove distrust, to assimilate interests, to combine the 
raw material of the new, with the manufacturing skill of 
the old world, to enlarge the boundaries, to widen the 
foundations, to strengthen the constitution, and to add to 
the grandeur of the empire.' 

' Ah !' said Peabody, ' it ought to be their object, but 
it ain't ; and arter all, English meddlin won't be no great 
loss, I can tell you. I don't think colonists will go into 
mourning for that, even if the Lord Chamberlain should 
order it. But I'll tell you what was a loss : you missed 



330 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

having that most religious and respectable body of people — 
the Mormons, as settlers. You know that when they got a 
clearance ticket sarved on 'em at Nauvoo, and Joe Smith 
was shot by the brothers and husbands of his forty wives, 
they intended to vamoose the United States in toto, to 
migrate to Vancouver's Island and settlethere. Butthinkin' 
the English law agin bigamy might reach 'em some day 
or another, they squatted at Salt Lake, in Mexican terri- 
tory ; for they knew they had nothen to fear from the de- 
generate race of half-Spanish, half-Indian critters that 
owned it. Well, as bad luck would have it, after our war 
with that country, Salt Valley was ceded to us as part of 
California, and the poor critters were boundaried under 
Uncle Sam agin after all. Yes, I wish they had gone to 
Vancouver, I should like to have seen what you would 
have done with them, with your new-fangled divorce 
courts. It's a great experiment that, Mr. Shegog, to try 
polygamy out fairly in all its bearings, and see how it 
works, notarter Turkish fashion, locking of the wives up, and 
coverin' of their faces with veils, but arter Anglo-Saxon 
way, making free niggers of 'em all. Utah is a place to 
study human natur in, I can tell you. It's what the pro- 
fessor here calls a " new phase of life," where a man and 
his ten or a dozen wives, each with a lot of children at 
their heels, all live together in the same location, like a 
rooster with his hens and chickens in the same poultry- 
yard. For my part I have always thought one wife was 
enough for any man to manage ; and I have seen so many 
poor fellows have the tables turned on 'em in matrimony, 
and get lassoed and tantooned themselves, that I have 
always been rather skeered to try the yoke myself. When- 
ever I see a poor fellow going to get spliced, it always 
puts me in mind of a goney I met at Madam Toosore's 
exhibition to London. There was a guillotine there in 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 331 

the room of horrors, and a younker examined it most at- 
tentively, and after walking round and round it, and 
looking up at the knife and down on the block, what does 
he do but kneel down and put his head into the hole to 
try how it fitted, when he caught a glimpse, as he turned 
round, of the bright edge of the cleaver that was hanging 
right over him, suspended only by a string, and just ready 
to do the job for him. Well he was afraid to move for 
fear of slipping the string, and letting the cutter down 
by the run. The way he shrieked ain't no matter, it was 
the naterallest thing in the world, and so was the way he 
called for help. There was a crowd round him in no 
time. You never see such a stir as it made, for in a 
general way it's a stupid place that, with people going 
about as silent as if they were among the dead ; but this 
set everybody a-talking all at once. They thought it was 
part of the show, and that he acted his part beautiful, just 
as a body really would if he was going to be beheaded in 
airnest. So nobody thought of helping him, but let him 
screech on as if he was paid for it, till at last one of the 
attendants came runnin' up — secured the knife — got him 
out, and was beginning to pitch into him, when the fellow 
saved him the trouble by fainting. I don't like puttin' my 
head into dangerous gear like that, without a chance of 
backing out again if I don't like the collar, I can tell you. 
I actilly couldn't get Mormon marriages out of my head, 
so I went all the way to Utah to see how the new scheme 
worked. Nothen ever raised my curiosity like polygamy, 
I couldn't see my way through it at all, though, in a gene- 
ral way, I must say (though, perhaps, it don't become me 
to boast of it), that I can see through a hole in a grind- 
stone, as far as him that picks it. 

' Will there be peace or war in the wigwam? sais I. 
I can understand a man bigamying, but I don't jist see 



332 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

how it convenes to women. Will they all turn to, and 
court their husbands, and try to be loved best in return, 
each strivin' to outdo the other, or will they fight and 
scratch like cats ? Will they take it in turn to be queen, 
and then be subjects (as fellows do when campin' out in 
timber land, in the State of Maine, when each one cooks 
in rotation, and attends on the rest), or will each have her 
separate task, one to wash, another to bake, one to do 
housework, and another to make and mend ; or this one 
to tend the children, and that the dairy and poultry, and 
so on ? Will the husband set their tasks, or will they 
choose for themselves ? And will they fight over the 
choice, or take work in succession order ? When a new 
wife is taken what sort of a thing is the wedding, are the 
other wives invited to it, and is it a jollification or a 
mournin' time ? Or does it go by default, like old Sam 
Arbuckle's marriage ? 

' I must tell you that story, for it is a fact, I assure 
you. He was the nigger butler to my brother, the mem- 
ber to Congress for Virginny. He had permission to 
spouse Milken Sally, a slave on another plantation. A 
night was fixed for the ceremony, the company assembled, 
and the coloured preacher there to tie the nuptial knot. 
Well, they waited and waited for ever so long, but the 
bride didn't make her appearance. At last Sam grew 
impatient, so sais he to the preacher, " Look here, Broder 
Cullifer, it's no use waitin' for that darkey, I knows her 
like a book, she's dropped asleep setting fore de fire — I'se 
authorized to speak for her, so jest go ahead jest the 
same as if she was here.' Old Cullifer thought it a wise 
suggestion and proceeded with the service that united 
them in the holy bonds of matrimony. When the cere- 
mony was over off started the bridegroom in search of the 
absent bride, and sure enough, when he reached her 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 333 

cabin there he found her fast asleep by the tire, with some 
of her. finery in her hands ; and she was terribly riled 
when she heard the wedding had come off, and she was 
not there. 

1 Now, sais I to myself, does it go by default arter 
that fashion ? or how is it managed ? for it don't appear 
to me to stand to the natur of things, much less to the 
natur of women, that this sort of domestic arrangement 
can be just the most cheerful affair in the world. So I 
concluded, as I had nothen above particular to do, I'd go 
and take a look at the harems, and judge for myself. 
First of all I made for Nauvoo, where I wanted to see 
what sort of a city they had built for themselves, and to 
look at the ruins of their celebrated temple. It was there 
I first made acquaintance with our friend here, who was 
bound on the same errand ; and I'll tell you what, Mr. 
Shegog ' — (and he gave me one of those sly winks that 
indicated he intended to excite and draw out the Sena- 
tor) — 'I must say that their founder, General Joe Smith, 
who was so barbarously murdered by the Gentiles, was a 
great man, and no mistake ; and if not a prophet, assu- 
redly one of the best of men that ever lived on the face of 
the airth.' 

Here the Senator turned round and regarded him with 
a look of the most unfeigned astonishment ; but he con- 
tinued his panegyric with the utmost gravity. 

6 Everybody admitted his wonderful ability, as the 
editor of a paper called the Times said — (I don't mean 
the English Times; catch that paper praisin' a distin- 
guished American ; no, not it, but a local paper of that 
name) — " Without learning," says he, " without means 
and without experience, he has met a learned world, a 
rich century, a hard-hearted and wicked generation, with 
truth that could not be resisted, facts that could not be 



334 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

disproved, revelations that could not be gainsaid or 
evaded ; but, like the rays of light from the sun, they 
have tinged everything they lit upon with a lustre and 
livery which has animated, quickened, and adorned them !" 
That's what I call agreat picture, sir, drawn by a great 
artist.' 

c I am perfectly astonished to hear you talk that way/ 
said the Senator. ' He was a vile impostor, in whom cun- 
ning supplied the place of talent, and hypocrisy that of 
true religious feeling. A proficient in roguery of all 
kinds from his youth, he was early instructed, and well 
skilled in practising upon the incredulity of the ignorant ; 
and a popular manner, joined to a certain fluency of 
speech, enabled him to obtain a great influence over his 
hearers. To these powers he owed his ascendancy among 
his confidential associates in this wonderful imposture, 
who were men of more ability, but less tact and personal 
popularity than himself. It was in this way, that his very 
ignorance operated in his favour, for the language of a 
manuscript of a deceased author, which he had surrepti- 
tiously obtained, and palmed ofi* successfully on the 
public as a revelation, was so much above what an un- 
learned man like himself could possibly have written, that 
it is no wonder that his dupes could only account for it, 
by attributing it to inspiration. You must recollect that 
among the many thousands of his followers, there was not 
one man of character or education. Mormonism is the 
grossest and most barefaced imposition of modern times. 
It was founded on folly and fraud ; sustained by robbery 
and murder ; and, under the sanction of a pretended re- 
velation, it authorized and encouraged every species of 
licentiousness. It is too disgusting even for a topic of 
conversation. If Smith had been a good man, he never 
would have been the author of such a system ; and if he 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 335 

had been a man of talent, he would have moulded it into 
such a shape as not to shock the moral feelings of all 
mankind.' 

' Well, Senator,' said Peabody, * you may undervally 
him as you please, but the world won't agree with you at 
any rate. I should like to know, now, if there is a man in 
Congress that could reply to Clay in such withering and 
eloquent language as he did ? Why, there is nothing in 
Elegant Extracts equal to it ; "it's sublime,' and putting 
himself into a theatrical attitude, he repeated with great 
animation the passage referred to : — " Your conduct, sir, 
resembles a lottery- vender's sign, with the goddess of 
good-luck sitting on the car of fortune, astraddle of the 
horn of plenty, and driving the merry steeds of beatitude 
without rein or bridle. Crape the heavens with weeds of 
woe, gird the earth with sackcloth, and let hell mutter one 
melody in commemoration of fallen splendour. Why, sir, 
the condition of the whole earth is lamentable. Texas 
dreads the teeth and toe-nails of Mexico ; Oregon has the 
rheumatism, brought on by a horrid exposure to the heat 
and cold of British and American trappers ; Canada has 
caught a bad cold from extreme fatigue in the patriot 
war ; South America has the headache, caused by bumps 
against the beams of Catholicity and Spanish sovereignty ; 
Spain has the gripes, from age and inquisition ; France 
trembles and wastes under the effects of contagious dis- 
eases ; England groans with the gout, and wriggles with 
wine ; Italy and the German States are pale with con- 
sumption ; Prussia, Poland, and the little contiguous 
dynasties have the mumps so severely that the whole head 
is sick, and the whole heart is faint; Russia has the 
cramp by lineage ; Turkey has the numb palsy ; Africa, 
from the curse of God, has lost the use of her limbs ; 
China is ruined by the Queen's evil ; the Indians are 



336 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

blind and lame ; and the United States, which ought to 
be the good physician with balm from Gilead, and an 
asylum for the oppressed, has boosted, and is boosting up 
into the council-chamber of the government a clique of 
political gamblers, to play for the old clothes and old 
shoes of a sick world, and i no fledge no promise to any 
particular portion of the people ' that the rightful heirs 
will ever receive a cent of their father's legacy." Is it any 
wonder, sir, that a man who could talk it into people that 
way, could draw converts from the remotest parts of the 
earth ?' 

' The language,' replied the Senator, very coolly, ' is 
well suited for a grog-shop, where, no doubt, it would pass 
for eloquence, nothing could possibly be better adapted to 
his audience. Ah, Mr. Shegog,' he continued, ' I shall 
never forget the journey my friend and I took to Utah. 
As a member of Congress I was anxious to ascertain the 
true state of things at Salt Lake, by a personal examina- 
tion, and also to inform myself of the condition and pro- 
spects of my countrymen in California, which promised to 
become one of the most important states in the Union. 
With this view I proceeded to Missouri, to avail myself of 
the escort and protection of the first band of emigrants 
bound for those places. From St. Louis, whence we 
started, the distance to Utah, via Council Bluffs, is more 
than sixteen hundred miles. The route passes over vast 
rolling prairies, unbridged rivers, sand hills, mud-flats, 
mountain ranges, and deep and precipitous ravines. The 
line of march was unhappily too well defined over these 
interminable plains for travellers to lose themselves in 
their unvarying and boundless expanse. So numerous 
and so frequent had been the caravans of emigrants, that 
had crossed this desert, that they had left melancholy 
traces behind them, of the sorrows, accidents, and misfor- 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 337 

tunes that had befallen them on their journeys. The 
track is marked by broken waggons, fragments of furni- 
ture, agricultural implements, cast-iron ware, and the 
bleached skeletons of oxen and mules, that have died 
miserably by the way, while unturfed mounds, of various 
sizes, afforded melancholy proof of the mortality that had 
attended the exodus of this deluded people. Some of 
them had been robbed of their contents by the wolves, and 
human bones lay scattered about on the short brown grass. 
The warning thus inculcated had evidently not been lost 
upon succeeding travellers, for I observed that some of the 
more recent graves were protected with heaps of stones, 
broken wheels of carriages, and other heavy substances. 
The train with which we travelled, did not escape similar 
casualties, for several women and children, victims to fa- 
tigue and exposure to the weather, were added to the 
number of the dead that reposed in that wild and dreary 
prairie. The buffalo hunts, the Indian encounters, the 
bivouacs, and the exhilaration of spirits caused by constant 
motion, were not new to me, who am so familiar with life 
in the North-west, and I was not a little pleased when the 
long and tedious journey ended, more especially as I knew 
that another, and no less fatiguing one, awaited me 
between Utah and San Francisco. 

i The first glimpse we got of this far-famed Mormon 
valley from the Wahsach mountain, eight thousand feet 
above the level of the sea, was the signal for great rejoic- 
ing to our wearied and wayworn travellers. The women 
wept and the men shouted for joy at having reached the 
termination of their tedious journey. My first impression 
was one of sadness and disappointment. The distant pro- 
spect on which the eye naturally first rested, embraced a wild, 
desolate, and dreary country, and its loneliness, its silence, 
and its total isolation from the rest of the civilized world, 

Q 



338 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

filled me with awe when I regarded it as the voluntary prison 
of so many thousands of deluded human beings. Environed 
on every side by lofty mountains, lay the vast plain which 
the saints had selected as their home in the desert. The 
great Salt Lake, as far as we could ascertain, extends 
130 miles in length, and from 70 to 80 in breadth, lying 
far away in the midst of a waste, uncultivated, and mono- 
tonous plain, suggesting the idea of the Dead Sea and its 
melancholy and desolate shores. Withdrawing our view 
from the distant scene, to that lying more immediately 
before us, and which, from the great elevation of our 
position, we had at first overlooked, we found that it fully 
equalled in beauty the description we had had of it. 
Beneath our feet, as it were, lay the object of our visit, 
Utah, the Babel of the western world. We could look 
down upon it as on a map spread upon a table. It was laid 
out on a magnificent scale, being nearly four miles in 
length and three in breadth, surrounded by a wall twelve 
feet high, defended by semi-bastions within half musket- 
range, and also protected by a wide, deep ditch. This 
enormous work was constructed nominally as a protection 
against the hordes of savages by whom they were sur- 
rounded, but in reality against the only formidable 
enemy they had to fear — the idleness of the people. 

1 The streets were 120 feet wide, and the sidepaths, 
20. A mountain stream, which originally ran through 
the town, was distributed by conduits so as to irrigate 
every garden and supply every house ; and as the build- 
ings were placed twenty feet back from the line of the street, 
and the intervening space was planted with shrubs, the ge- 
neral effect was very agreeable. At all events, it made a 
favourable impression upon us when emerging from the 
boundless desert over whose unvaried surface we had been 
journeying so long and so wearily. The site selected for 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 339 

the city is certainly most beautiful, lying as it does at the 
foot of the Wahsach mountain, whose snow-clad summit 
is lost in the clouds. It is washed on the west by the 
waters of the Jordan, and on the southern bounded by a 
broad, level plain, extending to a distance of twenty-five 
miles, and well-watered by numerous streams. This city 
is certainly one of the most extraordinary instances to be 
found in the annals of the world of what human per- 
severance and industry can effect when stimulated 
by fanaticism. It is unapproachable from any civilized 
community, unless by a difficult and laborious journey of 
nearly a thousand miles. In a severe winter it is wholly 
inaccessible, and the cost of the transport of goods far 
exceeds their original value. To overcome all these 
difficulties, to erect such a city, and to bring into cultiva- 
tion such a quantity of land as they have done in so 
short a time, was to me a source of continued astonish- 
ment. I am not going to bore you with an account of 
my explorations in the adjacent country (which, in a 
scientific point of view, is exceedingly interesting), or to 
describe Utah, but, as we were talking of polygamy, to 
give you my opinion of its effects upon this community. 

' Mormon marriages are the most wicked, as well as the 
most impious, that can be well conceived. They are 
twofold, those that are terminated by death, and those 
that are to continue throughout eternity. The first are 
ordinary marriages, conducted somewhat in the usual 
form, but liable to be dissolved by mutual consent, upon 
obtaining the approbation of the authorities. The other 
is called spiritual wifeism. This can only be solemnized 
in the temple, by the high priest in person, or by some 
one of his associates to whom he specially delegates his 
authority for that purpose. The forms and ceremonies 
observed on these occasions, which are conducted with 

Q 2 



340 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

great secrecy, and many mysterious rites, are of the most 
imposing character, and well calculated to leave a lasting 
impression upon the mind, while the oaths that are ad- 
ministered are of a most fearful description. In this 
manner a woman may be married to one man till death, 
and also sealed to another (as it is called) for all time to 
come. You have doubtless heard of these practices, for 
no man who has travelled as much in the United States 
as you have, has not been informed of them, therefore I 
need not enter into details. But the effect of all this is 
inconceivable, it must be seen, as I have witnessed it, to 
be fully appreciated. A polygamist has no home, and no 
wife ; his women are idle and rebellious slaves, they are 
either indifferent to him, or hate and despise him ; and 
his children, adopting the complaints of their respective 
mothers, inherit their hatred of their rivals and their off- 
spring, and their disrespect for him whom they regard as 
the author of their wrongs, rather than their being. He 
grows sullen and severe, cold, selfish, and brutal ; his 
wives sink into mere drudges, or are intemperate, or disso- 
lute, or both ; while the children, profiting by the bad 
example constantly set before their eyes by their parents, 
become early adepts in every species of vice. The mor- 
tality among them, caused by the very nature of this vile 
institution, is a melancholy proof of the viciousness of the 
system. As soon as the males are old enough to be 
useful, they are set to such work as is suited to their age, 
and thus the time that should be devoted to their educa- 
tion is occupied in earning their living, while the females, 
as soon as they arrive at maturity, are sold for wives to 
those who can afford to offer a suitable price for them.' 

' Do the wives,' I inquired, ' live together in one house, 
assembling at meals and other occasions like members of 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 341 

the same family, or are they lodged and maintained in 
separate dwellings V 

' That,' said the Senator, ' is a matter of taste or con- 
venience : sometimes they occupy detached abodes, but 
in general they are under the same roof.' 

' Tell you what,' said Peabody, * I was present at one 
of the drollest scenes I ever saw in all my born days ; I 
thought I should have died a larfing. I lodged, when I 
was at Utah, with a feller who came from Connecticut, 
one Simon Drake ; I know'd him long afore Salt Lake 
was ever heard of, by a long chalk, and seein that he and 
I were old friends, he took me in to stay with him, which 
was great luck, for the Mormons, like the Turks, don't 
like strangers to see the inside of their harems. Well, 
Sim had five wives, not counting the old one he brought 
along with him from Hertford, who was a broken-hearted 
lookin critter, that seemed as if she wouldn't long be an 
incumbrance to him. The rest were all young, good- 
looking, rollickin hussies, as you'd see anywhere. As far 
as I could observe, they agreed among themselves un- 
common well, for neither of them cared a straw about 
him, or anything else, unless it was the Theatre and the 
Assembly Rooms, of which they talked to me for ever- 
lastin. Sim was so overjoyed to see one from his native 
land, and to be able to talk of old times and old friends, 
that the whisky (which he drank like water, to drown past 
recollections or painful comparisons) gave him a return 
of delirium tremens, which I knew he had had when he 
was a young man. Well, one night he broke out all of 
a sudden, crowing like a cock, and making a motion as if 
he was a flappin of his wings. He actilly fancied he was 
one, and that his wives were hens, and he would make a 
dart at 'em to peck them, and bit them like anything. 
He ordered them to go to roost on the garden fence, to put 



342 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

their heads under their wings, and go to sleep, and the 
way he hunted and worried them into one corner, and 
then into another, and bothered and tormented them, was 
a caution to a dog in a poultry yard. The poor old wife, 
who had gone to bed airly, hearin the noise, put her head 
in at the door to see what was going on, and begged me 
with tears in her eyes to interfere, and keep him from 
doing mischief. So says I, 

' " Sim, my old cock, let you and I go out first, and 
get on the fence to roost, and do you crow your best, and 
the hens will soon follow." 

6 So I takes him into the garden, and as I passed the 
water butt, I tript up his heels, and soused his head in, 
and held it there as long as I dared, and then let it up 
for him to breathe, and then in with it again, and so on, 
till I sobered him, when I took him into the house, gave 
him an opiate, and put him to bed. Arter this, we all 
separated, each to our own kennel, and just as I was a 
droppin off to sleep, I heard a light step on the floor, and 
a low voice, saying, "Are you asleep, Mr. Peabody?" 
" No," says I, " I ain't ; but what in natur is the matter 
now, has he broke out agin?" "No, Eph," said the 
speaker (and I perceived it was the poor dear old lady), 
"he is quiet now ; but I came to tell you this is no place 
for you. Those young women will get you into trouble ; 
make an excuse in the morning, and leave this house to- 
morrow, and don't enter it again, except in company 
with the Senator," and she was off afore I could thank 
her. Thinks I, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind 
horse, I was thinkin the same thing myself. Edged tools 
ain't the safest things in the world to play with. In the 
mornin, Senator and I joined the caravan for California, 
and set our hosses heads towards San Francesco. 

' Yes, it is a pity these birds hadn't lighted at Van- 



COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 343 

couver : most of them came from Wales, and it would 
have been better if they had returned to their allegiance 
again. It would give the folks something to do in Down- 
ing-street, and would please you too.' 

' Please me,' I said, ' pray how could I be interested 
in the matter ?' 

6 Why,' he replied, with a laugh, * you want to remodel 
the department here, and they could have taken down 
their sign, and put up a new one. They might call it a 
Government Office for " Colonial and Matrimonial 
Alliances." ' 



( 344 ) 



No. XII. 



BIG WIGS. 



The Senator having expressed a wish to see the several 
law courts which are now sitting, we spent the morning 
in visiting them. He was more anxious, he said, to ob- 
serve their arrangements and general appearance, the 
demeanour of the judges, lawyers, and officials, and the 
mode in which they discharged their respective duties, than 
to study the practical working of the machinery, for with 
that he was sufficiently familiar. He appeared to be 
much struck with the small dimensions of the apartments 
in which the courts were held ; with the limited accom- 
modation afforded to the public; the number of the 
lawyers in attendance when compared to the audience ; 
and the little interest the proceedings seemed to excite 
among the people at large. Nothing, however, appeared 
to surprise him so much as the concise and lucid manner 
in which points of law were argued. 

' Ah,' he said, ' I see your lawyers do give the court 
credit for knowing something ; I wish ours, would imitate 
their example. I do not mean to say that the bar in the 
United States undervalues the legal attainments of the 
judges, for that would be doing injustice to the common 
sense of the one, and the great learning and ability of 
the other ; but their arguments assume the form of disser- 
tations. They begin at the beginning with fundamental 



BIG WIGS. 345 

principles that everybody knows and can dispense with 
hearing, and then trace the law, through all its branches, 
down to the point at issue, where they ought to have 
commenced. It is a very tedious and wearisome practice, 
and much to be lamented. But it is partly the fault of 
the judges, in not having the moral courage to check it, 
and partly of the clients, who never think their advocates 
do them justice, unless they exhaust the subject. A 
pressure of business and a long arrear of causes will 
ultimately convince the former that patience has its 
limits, which, when exceeded, it ceases to be a virtue ; 
and the latter, that long speeches are expensive super- 
fluities that can easily be dispensed with. Lawyers are 
also much to blame themselves, in being too pertinacious. 
I observe that when a judge here interferes in an argu- 
ment, and expresses a decided opinion, counsel at once 
bow to his decision, and cease to press him further. 

* There is more state and ceremony observed here than 
with us, though not more order and decorum. We have 
different modes of manifesting our respect for the admi- 
nistration of justice. Our people testify it by erecting 
suitable buildings for the courts ; you, by robeing your 
judges and lawyers. We might, perhaps, receive mutual 
advantage by uniting the practice of both countries/ 

* Well, I don't think so,' said Peabody. ' I call all 
that sort of thing tomfoolery. What is the airthly use of 
those nasty wigs, that are nothin' but a compound of 
grease and horse-hair? Do you think there is any 
wisdom hid away in those curls, that a judge can fetch 
out by scratching, as an Irishman does an evasive answer 
out of his shaggy, oncombed head ? They look like 
Chicktaw Indians in council, sittin' with their hair pow- 
dered with cotton fluff. It's a wonder to me they haven't 
pipes in their mouths to make them look more solemn- 

Q 3 



346 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

choly. It can't be possible that they want to resemble 
venerable, old, grey-headed men, for they are bald in a 
general way, and their hair is like the rim of a dish — all 
round the edge. What awful things those wigs must be 
in hot weather ; why, the pomatum must run, like tallow 
from new-made candles, and hang about their cheeks, 
like the glass icicles of a chandelier ! How a wise man 
can put his head into a thing that's fit only for a door- 
mat, and wear it in public, passes my onderstanding ! 

' It puts me in mind of my brother Peter, when he 
went to Canton as United States Consul. He was major 
of a regiment of volunteers at home, and he had a most 
splendid suit of regimentals, all covered over with gold 
lace, and sot off with an immense pair of epaulettes, each 
as big as a ship's swob. When he arrived at Canton, he 
thought he'd astonish the natives by wearing it as an 
official dress. Well, whenever he strutted about the 
streets in this rig, John Chinaman used to laugh, ready 
to split his sides, and call out, "too muchfoolo — too much 
goldo ;" and he went by the nick-name ever after of " too 
much foolo." Now, that's just the case with them ere 
judges — there is " too much wigo and too much foolo.' 
And, as for the lawyers, their noddles look, for all the 
world, like rams' heads. I have heard tell of wolves in 
sheep's clothing afore now, but I never knew what it 
meant till to-day. If them horse-hair hoods is out of 
place for judges, who are called Big Wigs, they are wus 
for lawyers ; for, what's the use of making a joker look 
solemn, unless it's to take people by surprise, set 'em a 
haw-hawhing right out, and then get 'em fined for con- 
tempt of court ? A lawyer is chock-full of fun, like a 
clown at a circus ; it fairly biles up and runs over ; and 
when he cocks his eye and looks comical, you can't help 
laughing — no how you can fix it. He can make a wit- 



BIG WIGS. 347 

ness say anything he likes ; he can put words into his 
mouth or draw 'em out just as he pleases ; and keep the 
whole court in a roar. I never see one on 'em at that 
game, that I don't think of what I saw Signor Blitz, the 
great conjuror, do at Boston. He was a showing off his 
tricks one night at the Necromantic Hall, when he seed 
a countryman starin' at him with all his eyes and mouth, 
both of which was wide open. So he stopped short in 
the midst of his pranks and made a face at him, exactly 
like his, that set every one off into hystrikes a'most, it 
was so droll. When they had done laughing, he invited 
the feller to come upon the stage, and told him he'd 
teach him how the tricks was done. So up goes young 
Ploughshare, as innocent as you please. When he got 
him on the boards, he patted him on the back with one 
hand and put the other to his mouth, and, sais he, " You 
had potatoes for dinner to-day." " Yes, I had," said the 
goney. "What makes you swaller them whole?" said 
Blitz, and he pulled ever so many potatoes out of his 
mouth and threw them on the floor. At last he picked 
one up, with a sprout on it six inches long. " Why, my 
good friend," said he, " looke here ; they have begun to 
grow already. Do, for goodness' sake, chew your food ; 
and, instead of swallowing it holus bolus, use your knife 
and fork to cut up your wittles, and he pulled them out of 
his mouth, too. Then he began to punch away at his 
stomach till he nearly doubled him up. " Hallo," sais 
Ploughshare, " what, in nature, is all that for ?" " No- 
thin," sais Blitz ; "lam only trying to break the dinner 
plates, for fear I should cut your throat in bringin' of 
them up." The feller thought he was in the hands of 
the Devil, and he turned and took a flying leap clear over 
the orchestra into the pit, and nearly broke his unques- 
tionably ugly neck. The shouting that followed beat 



348 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

election cheers all to chips, I tell you. Now, lawyers can 
bring any answer out of a witness's mouth as easy as 
Blitz fetched potatoes, and knives, and forks out of that 
countryman's, and set folks a-roarin' as loud, too ; for, in 
a general way, it don't take much to make a crowd laugh 
— mobs like rotten eggs better nor sound ones. 

' What's the use of puttin' wigs on lawyers, when all 
the horse-hair of a dragoon regiment, and all the grease 
of all the bears in the world would never make 'em look 
like sedate men? Why, they are as full of tricks as 
Blitz, have just as much sleight of hand, and are quite as 
much in league with the Devil as he or any other con- 
juror ever was. It don't convene to common sense, that's 
a fact. And then if the judges must put on them out- 
landish wigs, what in the world is the reason they keep 
on their red dressing gowns? Have they any clothes 
under them, or do they wear them to hide the naked 
truth? As for them white bands under their chins, as 
they represent beards, why don't they wear real or artifi- 
cial ones? They would look a sight better, and more 
nateral too. Them sort of things do well enough in a 
play-house, but it kinder strikes me, it's out of place in a 
court of justice. If it's to awe common folks, and frighten 
them out of their seven senses, why there's better ways of 
doin' it by a long chalk. I should like to tell them a 
story — that is, what they call a " case in point," or as they 
say in lawyers' slang, that goes on all fours with it. 
There was a squatter in Tennessee, when I was on a visit 
to my uncle Reuben, who was a perfect outlaw of a 
fellow, and a terror to the whole w-cinity. He had 
always lived on the borders of civilization, and hung on 
its skirts, as a burr does to a horse's tail. He was on 
the rear, where he could not be seen, nor rubbed off, nor 
pulled off, nor kicked off. He was a trapper that robbed 



BIG WIGS. 349 

traps instead of setting of them himself; a dealer in 
hosses he neether raised nor bought, and always went 
armed with loaded dice, marked cards, and a capital 
rifle. He was an ugly customer, I tell you. He could 
outrun, outride, outswim, outshoot, and outlie any white 
man or Indian in all Tennessee; he could out-Herod 
Herod if he'd a been there. He used to say he was the 
only gentleman in the country, for he was the only man 
that never worked. Though he didn't raise none, he had 
a large stock that he taught to forage for themselves. He 
used to turn his cattle arter night into other folks' meadow 
lands to eat up their grass ; and his pigs into their fenced 
patches, to yaffle up their potatoes, until they larned the 
way to go right in of their own accord and help them- 
selves ; and if the neighbours went to him and talked of 
law, he'd point to his rifle, and threaten to sarve them 
with notice to quit, till they were skeered out of their 
lives a' most. Well, one poor fellow, who had his crops 
destroyed time and again, and could get no satisfaction, 
and was tired out watchin' night arter night, chasing the 
hogs out of his diggins, thought he'd set a bear on 'em. 
So what does he do but catch the longest- legged pig in 
the herd and sew him up in the skin of a bear, coverin' 
him all over, head, body, and legs with it, and then, to- 
wards daylight, he lets the drove out first, and the dressed 
one arter them. When they got sight of him, off they 
set as hard as they could lay legs to the ground, took up 
the road that led through the woods, and he arter them, 
and away they went like all possessed. Well, the squatter, 
when he got up in the mornin', went over to his neigh- 
bour's potato patch, to bring his pigs home as usual ; but 
lo and behold they were not there ; and more than that, 
the fence was whole and standing, as if they had never 
been in at all. While he was starin' about and kinder 



350 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

puzzled, the stage-coach came up, and he hailed the 
driver, who told him he had seen them runnin' for dear 
life, chased by a bear; two of them was dead on the 
road, and the rest had taken to the woods, as soon as they 
saw the coach and the bear arter them. " Waal," says 
he, quite cool, " the bears owe me a grudge, for many a 
one of their family I have killed in my day. And what 
surprises me is, that they should venture so near me, for 
I haven't been mislested by them these three years : I'm 
glad my psalm- singing neighbour had no hand in it, for 
if he had, I'd a sent him in search of that constable that 
came here last summer to sarve a writ on me, and has 
never found his way back yet. The bears and I will 
balance accounts some day, see if we don't." and he went 
into the house as cool as if nothin' had happened. 

' Now, if these judges are dressed to scare the crows, 
it appears to me bearskin would answer the purpose 
better nor horse-hair and powder. What do you think, 
Lyman V 

' I think,' replied the Senator, ' you don't know what 
you are talking about. It is the judicial dress, adopted 
ages ago, and preserved to the present day. It is well 
suited to an aristocratic country, in which there are 
various orders and ranks, with their peculiar robes and 
dresses, that are worn on state occasions. They may 
not be so appropriate to a republican form of government 
like ours, but there is no reason why they should not be 
worn even with us. Although, in theory, all men are 
equal in the United States, we do not pretend that all 
officers are, and of these the judges are the highest in 
public estimation, and the most exalted in rank. Why 
should they not wear a distinctive costume ? Their 
duties are grave and important, and some of them, 
especially in criminal courts, of a solemn and awful 



BIG WIGS. 351 

character, affecting the lives of those who are tried before 
them. As they are not the everyday business of life, and 
judges are set apart to discharge them, the paraphernalia 
of the court ought to be in keeping with the sanctity of 
the law, and the importance of its due administration. 
Dress is an arbitrary matter ; but everywhere, on public 
occasions, propriety dictates, and custom sanctions the 
practice of suiting our habiliments to the occasion. 
In a court of law, as in a church, everything should be 
done decently and in order. We have not this particular 
costume in our country, but we have adopted others 
of a similar nature for various officers of the public ser- 
vice. The military have a dress peculiar to themselves, 
and so have the navy, whilst many Christian sects, espe- 
cially the Episcopalians and Romanists, have their own 
distinctive vestments. Collegiate, municipal, masonic, and 
other institutions have also their prescribed robes and 
badges, and they occasion no animadversion, because we 
are accustomed to them ; but they are as open to remark 
as those of the English judges which you have just been 
ridiculing. A gold epaulet, and a cocked hat and fea- 
thers, which I have seen your brother sport, when at the 
head of his regiment of volunteers, are adopted, and ap- 
proved on the same ground as the wig and the ermine of 
these judicial officers.' 

' I assure you, Mr. Shegog,' he continued, ' that I 
regard the English bench with great veneration ; we owe 
to it a deep debt of gratitude. Although I have not the 
honour of knowing those gentlemen we have just seen, my 
studies have made me tolerably familiar with their 
predecessors, and I have no doubt they display as much 
talent, learning, and impartiality as those to whom they 
have succeeded. When we dissolved the connexion with 
Great Britain, it was not because we disapproved of, or 



352 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

quarrelled with its form of government, but with those 
who administered it at that time ; and when we had to 
frame one for ourselves, we adopted as much of yours as 
was at all applicable to a country in which there was no 
royal family, no nobility, and no established church ; and 
I think I may add, without exposing myself to the charge 
of national vanity, that the constitution we finally adopted 
was, under all the circumstances, the best that could be 
devised. Monarchy was out of the question. In the 
absence of the three great institutions I have just named, 
it was wholly inapplicable to the people or the country- 
Necessity, therefore, gave us no option ; a republic was 
the only alternative we could adopt. The office of chief 
magistrate became elective as a matter of course. The 
difficulty (and a very great one it proved) was how to 
construct an upper branch of the legislature, where there 
was no class in any way corresponding to the peers, or 
even the landed aristocracy of England, that could operate 
as a check on the House of Representatives. The 
manner in which this was effected reflects infinite credit 
on the framers of the constitution. If both senators and 
representatives were chosen by the people at large, though 
nominally divided into two separate chambers, they would 
in effect be but one body, for they would have the same 
feelings, be clothed with similar powers, and responsible to 
the same constituency. They, therefore, arranged that 
the members of the House of Representatives should be 
elected by the people ; but those of the upper branch by 
the legislatures of the several states, and to secure a 
careful and judicious exercise of the important functions 
of the Senate, they established the age of thirty years, as 
the earliest period at which a member could be eligible 
for election, while that of a Representative was fixed at 
twenty-five years. To increase the respectability of the 



BIG WIGS. 353 

body, it was made more select by restricting its numbers, 
and making its basis State Sovereignty ; while that of the 
lower branch was regulated by population ; thus, New 
York furnishes but two senators, while it sends to the 
other branch more than forty representatives. To invest 
it with dignity it was constituted an Executive Council of 
the nation, no treaty being valid without its ratification, 
and no appointment legal without its approval. To insure 
its independence, and qualify it for these important duties, 
the term for which senators are elected was extended to 
six, while that of the representatives was limited to two 
years. Where the supreme power rests in the people, 
who are theoretically and politically equal, perhaps no 
better or wiser provision could be made for the construc- 
tion of this body. 

' Having thus established the three branches of the 
legislature, it became necessary to erect a judiciary, a 
very delicate and difficult task, considering that every 
state possessed its own courts, and was jealous of any au- 
thority that should over-ride them. They accordingly 
created a tribunal, called the " Supreme Court," and in- 
vested it with the sole power over all cases, whether in law 
or in equity, accruing under the enactments of Congress, 
and also with an extensive appellate jurisdiction. It pos- 
sesses powers far beyond those of the English courts or, 
indeed, of any other country in the world, for it controls 
not only the local legislatures, but the president, and the 
Congress itself. In England, Parliament is politically 
omnipotent ; in America, the people are the source of all 
power, and by a constitution of their own making, have 
created a Chief Magistrate, a Senate, and a House of 
Representatives. By that written instrument certain 
powers are severally delegated to them, which they cannot 
extend or diminish. It is an organic law, and, like every 



354 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

other law, must be interpreted by the judges. If Con- 
gress passes an act in contravention of it, the Court de- 
clares it to be unconstitutional and void, and will not 
enforce it. 

' In England Parliament can alter the succession, limit 
or enlarge its own jurisdiction, and change even the form 
of government. In America, Congress cannot make the 
slightest alteration of the kind. This is a novel and im- 
mense, but salutary power, that is lodged in the Supreme 
Court. It curbs the impetuosity and arbitrary will of a 
party, and forms a safeguard for the liberty of the people. 
To render the Constitution as permanent as possible, the 
people, while they reserved to themselves the power to 
amend it, very wisely guarded it against their own inter- 
ference,, except in cases of great urgency, by surrounding 
its exercises with restrictions of a most conservative cha- 
racter. They precluded themselves from taking the ini- 
tiative in altering it, by enacting that appeal must be 
made to them either by two-thirds of the members 
of the Congress, or by a vote of two-thirds of the 
assemblies of the several States. Without this preli- 
minary sanction they have left themselves no power to 
meddle with this sacred document. If they were to at- 
tempt to do so the Court would decide their action to be 
illegal, as it would in the same manner if Congress were 
to undertake to exceed its constitutional limits. 

' Thus, the Supreme Court absorbs the whole judicial 
authority of the nation, for the Senate, unlike your House 
of Lords, has no appellate jurisdiction. It can indeed try 
an impeachment preferred by the House of Representa- 
tives, deprive the accused of his office, and declare him 
ineligible to serve the public again ; but it belongs to the 
legal tribunal alone, to convict and punish him criminally. 
The judiciary takes cognizance of all offences on the high 



V 



BIG WIGS. 355 

seas, and of all matters of international law, as well as of 
the relations of one State to the other or to Congress. It 
is the sheet-anchor of the State, and we are mainly in- 
debted to it, under God, for the stability of our institu- 
tions . In no country is the avenue to the Bench so well 
guarded as with us. The chief magistrate has not the 
power of appointment to it, he can only nominate, and 
the Senate, composed, as I have said, of members from 
each State, indiscriminately brought together from every 
part of the Union (for one of the qualifications of a 
Senator is residence within his own State), must approve 
of the recommendation before the commission can issue. 
All parties, without distinction, however much they differ 
on other points, concur in the importance of upholding 
the authority, and maintaining the respectability and 
efficiency of the Bench, and although there, as elsewhere, 
political feeling pervades and influences public patronage, 
it has never been known to operate in the selection of a 
judge — unless, perhaps, where the choice lay between two 
candidates of equal pretensions, when congeniality of 
opinion has turned the scale. More than this can scarcely 
be expected from the infirmities of human nature. From 
the first establishment of this tribunal to the present time, 
the selection of the judges has been such as to satisfy the 
just expectations of the public. They have all been able, 
learned, upright, and impartial men, and have discharged 
their duties in a manner alike honourable to themselves 
and their country. They had great and good models be- 
fore them in the judges of England, and a never-failing 
source of instruction in their recorded decisions. When 
they commenced their judicial labours, the principles of 
law, civil, criminal, and maritime, were well established, and 
they may both be said to have started at that time from 
the same point. It is impossible for us to conceive how 



356 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

much our two countries owe to their respective judiciaries. 
You must, however, excuse me for saying that I think 
our government defers with more respect to the decision 
of the judges, and is more ready than yours to uphold 
their authority. The Whigs, who are expert at removing 
land-marks, to enlarge the sphere of their own action, have 
more than once shown a disposition to take the law into 
their own hands. Lord John Russell was prepared on a 
recent occasion to admit the Jews to the legislature, in 
defiance of the law, by a mere resolution of the House, to 
which he wished to give the effect of an Act of Parlia- 
ment, utterly regardless of the collision it would produce 
between the House of Commons and the judges ; and, 
in the late case of Dr. Smethurst, Government have set 
aside, upon grounds altogether unsatisfactory, the de- 
cision of a Court, solemnly pronounced after a patient in- 
vestigation of a most painful nature. Nothing could be 
better devised to weaken the authority of a judge, or to 
destroyth e confidence of the public in the verdict of a 
jury than such a course of procedure. In ordinary cases, 
when an application is made to the court for a rule to set 
aside a verdict, the grounds of the application are distinctly 
stated, and before it is made absolute, it is fully argued 
in public. In this case the application was made in 
private, the parties consulted were not sworn, nor sub- 
jected to cross-examination, nor any opportunity given to 
the prosecuting officer to rebut their evidence, either by 
argument or the production of other persons equally com- 
petent to form an opinion on the subject. If there must 
be an appeal in criminal cases (I do not mean a new 
trial, for that is out of the question), it should be heard 
before a competent tribunal, in a formal and legal 
manner, and the proceedings conducted in as public a way 
as the original trial. There are cases in which the pre- 



BIG WIGS. 357 

rogative of the Crown to pardon, may be exercised with 
great propriety, but in general, it ought to be confined to 
those instances in which the law, under which the trial 
takes place, is involved in doubt ; or where additional 
evidence has been discovered, which, had it been known at 
the trial, might have produced an acquittal ; or where the 
verdict was not in accordance with the charge of the 
Court, or was influenced by party, personal, or religious 
feeling. But where both the judge and the jury who tried 
the cause, arrived at the same conclusion, and the former 
has subsequently, on mature reflection, seen no cause to 
change his opinion, and more especially when the latter, as in 
this instance, have declared that their decision was formed 
from the evidence, even before they heard the charge, 
which confirmed, but did not influence, their verdict, I 
can see nothing to justify the Secretary in interfering to 
prevent the course of justice, especially as he is an unpro- 
fessional man, and was not present at the trial. 

6 Mr. Justice Story, one of the most eminent lawyers 
among us, was an intimate friend of mine, and he told me 
that a judge's notes or a short-hand writer's report of the 
trial of a cause, although verbally accurate, could not be 
depended on in a review of the case for a new trial, on 
the ground of the verdict being against evidence, because 
it was necessary to see and hear a witness examined in 
order to know what weight to attach to his testimony. 
The jury, in considering the witness's evidence, estimate 
ilso his credibility. They alone can judge from the 
manner in which he gives his testimony, whether he 
understands the subject, is cautious in his replies, and 
free from personal or professional bias. Facts positively 
attested, and opinions distinctly given (where they are 
admissible), are all that appear in a written report ; but 
there is no record of the hesitation, the flippancy, the 
indifference, or the manifest ignorance of the witnesses, 



358 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

and yet they have perhaps left an impression on the mind 
of the jury, that such witnesses were not worthy of credence. 

' This was a case of murder effected by poison. After 
the verdict was given, and the sentence passed, the Home 
Secretary refers the whole subject to a surgeon, who was not 
present at the trial (and therefore incompetent to estimate 
the value of the testimony), nor under oath, nor cross 
examined, nor confronted with those upon whose evidence 
he was called to judge. Nor was his report submitted to 
the prosecuting officer, for his remarks thereon, but it was 
adopted as conclusive, not because the Secretary of State 
was more competent to judge of a question of medical 
science than a question of law, but on the extraordinary 
ground, that as the only man he had consulted, differed 
in opinion from those witnesses that were examined for 
the Crown, there must be a doubt, and that consequently 
it was his duty to set aside the decision of the Court, and 
to pardon the convict. If the conclusion that he has thus 
arrived at, is correct, it should form a precedent to be 
followed in other cases; and if it be so regarded, there 
will be an end of executions for murder by poisoning, 
where there is a difference of opinion between medical 
witnesses and the reviewer ; for in no case will there be 
any difficulty in finding a doctor of sufficient scepticism, 
or conceit, to doubt the infallibility of medical science, or 
the accuracy of the opinions of his brother practitioners. 
There is an immunity in confidential communications, 
that makes the exercise of humanity an agreeable duty ; 
and the offer of an appellate jurisdiction over the pro- 
fessions of law and medicine, is too great a temptation to 
a man to elevate himself at the expense of both, to be 
successfully resisted.' 

' Ah, now you are talking " die," ' exclaimed Peabody, 
' and I can't follow you. When I talk ' 

' You use the vulgar tongue,' retorted the Senator. 



BIG WIGS. 359 

£ You may take my hat,' replied the other ; ' I cave in, 
I owe . you one, but you needn't chalk it up, for I'll be 
sure to pay you back before long. What T was going to 
say was, I wouldn't mind Smethurst gettin' off, if they 
had only hanged one of them tarnation onfackilized 
goneys of doctors. I never see a case yet, in which they 
were called as witnesses, that they didn't make super 
superior fools of themselves. Nothen they love so dearly 
as to differ, and they never give a positive straight up 
and down opinion, except when they get a chance to con- 
tradict each other. There is no brotherhood atween 
them, as there is among lawyers : thieves have too much 
honour to peach on each other : doctors convict one 
another always. They are like moles, each critter 
burrows in his own hole in the dark, and as they can't see 
no track but their own, they swear there ain't any other. 
They dabble so much in chemistry, they treat truth like 
a compound substance ; and they get so bothered with 
their analysises and tests, that it has neither cohesion, nor 
unity, nor colour, when they have done with it. They 
may be very good doctors, 's far as I know, but they are 
the worst witnesses under the sun ; they swear that every- 
thing may be, but that nothen is ; that you can judge of a 
disease by its symptoms, but that the symptoms of any 
given number are so much alike, you can't tell what 
ailment a person died of. That's the way Smethurst got 
off. Sir Brodie, who was made a judge of the Appeal 
Court in criminal cases, and sat for the first time in this 
case, rapped his snuff-box before he opened the lid (the 
way Pat knocks a feller down, to have the pleasure of 
pickin of him up, for one good turn deserves another), sat 
down in his arm-chair, put one leg over the other, laid 
his head back, looking wondrous wise, took out a pinch 
of rappee, and said, " This is a law case, and it's very odd 



360 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

I am the rappor and the snuff is rappee," and then he 
sniffed it up, and felt good all over. " It's the first legal 
opinion I ever gave — 'who shall decide when doctors 
disagree ?' — I won't pronounce judgment at all." So he 
took up his pen, and wrote, " Medical science is in its 
infancy " (which means there was none when he was in 
practice), " and you can't expect wisdom from the mouths 
of babes and sucklings. Therefore, whether Smethurst 
was, or was not guilty of poisoning, not knowing, can't 
say." 

' Now, if that ain't a farce, then the murder of that 
poor gal warn't an awful tragedy, that's all. They are 
gettin' on here, Lyman, that's a fact, when an old re- 
tired doctor upsets judge and juries, and sais there is no 
dependence on medical science. What in the world have 
the halt, the lame, and the blind been dependin' on for 
1860 years? If he has pretended to cure all his life 
" secundem artem," and there is no art, couldn't folks 
recover back their fees from him, on his own con- 
fession ? Yes, they are gettin' on here ; they'll soon 
appeal to the wise woman, old Liddy Lonas, that tells 
fortins by cards, and the lines in the hands, and the vein 
in the forehead, and the stars, and so on. Let them ask 
her if a verdict is right or not, and people will credit her, 
though they won't a doctor. They darn't doubt her, and 
if they did, she'd soon find a way to make 'em believe, as 
Titus Cobb's ghost did his son Eber. Eber Cobb, who 
got a great fortin from his father, went to a spirit rapper 
at Albany, to have a talk with the old gentleman, just 
out of a lark, for he no more believed in it than you do. 
Well, he was soon put into communication, as they call 
it, with the old bill broker, who answered all his questions 
quite satisfactory, and then gave him some advice he 
didn't quite like, when he broke out into a loud laugh, and 



BIG WIGS. 361 

said it was all tarnation nonsense ; that they couldn't take 
him in. that way, and that he warn't born in the woods to 
be skeered by an owl, and so forth. Well, he had hardly 
said this, when the table began to turn slowly, and then 
to spin round like a teetotum, when it ran right up agin 
him like a mad bull, and fairly kicked him right out of 
the room, " Hold on, for marcy's sake," cried Eber, 
lookin' as white as a sheet, and most awfully terrified ; 
" hold on, I believe it now, that's 'xactly like the old man, 
he's as violent as ever, oh, that's him to a dead sartinty ; 
he never could bear contradiction at no time, without 
gettin' into a'most an all-fired passion." From this day 
forth, I believe in spirit rapping. 

' Yes, let Cornwall Lewis consult old Liddy Lonas in 
the next case of a man that's convicted of murder, and 
he'll satisfy the public a nation sight better than by refer- 
ring it to Sir Brodie. Liddy knows as much of life as are 
a doctor in creation does of death, and twice as much of 
women as he does ; and she'd have told Secretary, if he'd 
asked her, whether that onfortunate, beguiled, and simple 
gal died from nateral causes, or by the hand of a murderer. 

* I'll tell you what I've obsarved here in England. 
The people never forget what they are taught at school ; 
they larn that the masculine gender is more worthy than the 
feminine, and they act on that through life. If a man 
murders his wife, they say, " sarved her right." But if 
she does for her husband, she may as well go to work to 
knit a large stocking to put both her feet in, to die decent 
— for hanged she'll be, as sure as income-tax I They 
may laugh here at Judge Lynch as much as they like ; 
he never hanged an innocent man, or let a guilty one 
escape, as far as ever I could hear ; and it's my opinion, if 
he had visited Richmond, when this Smethurst affair hap- 
pened, he'd a given universal satisfaction. He's a man 

E 



362 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

that never eats his own words, as some English folk do, 
though he has often made others gulp them. 

' And talkin' of that puts me in mind of Sir Brodie. I 
met him the other evening to dinner, and sais I, "How do 
you do, Judge Brodie ?" " I am not a judge, sir," said 
he, looking all abroad, " but a medical man." " Beg 
your pardon," sais I, " they told me Chief Baron and jury 
tried Smethurst for murder, pronounced him guilty, and 
sentenced him to death, and that you turned the tables on 
them, tried them, and found them all guilty of a conspiracy 
to murder an innocent man ! It's the best joke I ever heard 
since I was raised. Well ! I never in all my born days !" 
sais I, " it takes the rag off the bush quite, that, if you 
didn't row them all up Salt River, it's a pity !" He didn't 
know whether to take it up or not, but steered between 
both pints, looked comical in his eye, but grave in the 
face. Sais he, " Mr. Peabody, I have a great respect for 
a judge, and if it were a matter of law, I should 
bow to his decision ; but this, sir, was a question 
for our profession, and * medical science is in its in- 
fancy.'" Sais I, "If it is in its infancy, there are 
some whopping big sucking babies of students in it — 
that's a fact, and no mistake." " What a^droll man you 
be !" sais he ; " I admire the Americans uncommonly. 
They not only take a common-sense view of everything, 
but they catch its ridiculous points too ; and sometimes I 
am puzzled to know whether they are in earnest or in 
jest. But let us drop the subject of the trial, for here 
comes a Q.C." " Does that mean, ' Queer Cove ?' " sais I ; 
" for it's like what I used to call my brother. I gave him 
the title of Q.C.F., and always put it on his letters arter 
his name, for he was for everlastin' a-talking of trespass, 
and quare clausum f regit, as he called it." 

'Well, up comes Q.C, and shakes hands with Doctor. 



BIG WIGS. 363 

Sais he, " So Gladstone has put off his budget till Friday. 
What's the matter with his throat ? — is it influenza ?" 
" No," sais Doctor, " it is a sort of Parliamentary diph- 
theria. He has had to eat so many of his own words, in 
leaving Derby to join Palmerston, that his swallow was 
affected, and sore throat supervened. Several members 
of the Government are affected more or less by the same 
complaint." " Well," sais I, " one's own words are hard 
to gulp — that's a fact, especially when swallowed dry ; 
but when they are taken with the sweets of office they go 
down as slick as mint julep." 

' But to get back to Judge Lynch, as I was a-sayin'. 
He never eats his own words. What he says he means, 
and there is no appeal from him. , Execution follows his 
sentence as thunder does lightning. He ain't a military 
man, that declares martial law, holds a drum -head court, 
is as savage as a meat axe, and don't valy life more nor 
a fig of tobacco, but a plain, homespun citizen, that 
declares common-sense, holds a neighbourly court, and, 
though starnley just, is a marciful man, and never leaves 
a feller in suspense a minute longer than can be helped. 
There is no pomp, nor toggery, nor tomfoolery about him. 
No one can point to him as they did to my brother, and 
say, " too much goldo, too much foolo." He wears 
neether wig, nor gown, nor white-choker; he don't sit 
with closed doors, in some hole or corner, like those 
English Big Wigs, as if he was afeared people would see 
or hear what he sais or does. But he holds his court 
under the broad canopy of Heaven. He don't sit on 
a bench, and give the Russia leather cushion the meek 
and lowly title of "the ivoolsaek" that hypocrites might 
think him humble. Nor has he a figure of Justice stuck 
up behind him, with a bandage over its eyes, and a pair 
of scales in its hands, to show that it is so blind it can't 

b 2 



364 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

see whether it weighs even-handed or not. But Judge 
Lynch sits on a stump, like a patriarch of old, in all the 
native dignity of a patriot judge, with a simple wide- 
awake hat on his head, a halter in one hand, and a revolver 
in the other — emblems and implements of justice— lays 
down the law of natur to the jury, and if they convict a 
feller, strings him up to a nateral gall us — the first tree 
Dear hand — whistles " Possum up a gum tree," and then 
says, " Come, boys, this here court is adjourned, let's 
liquor.'' A doctor would think it a nation sight better 
for his precious hide to save his breath to cool his broth, 
than to meddle with him, I can tell you. If Judge 
Lynch had been at St. George's-in-the-East, the other 
day, he'd a saved the Bishop the trouble of suspendin 
that are onfackalized ' 

' Don't let us enter upon that subject,' said the Senator, 
1 it is a most painful one ; both parties are very much to 
blame — extremes meet. Too much form and ceremony 
naturally breaks down with its own weight, and produces 
a revulsion that ends in total destruction of both. But 
this is not a matter that should be treated with levity.' 

To assist him in changing the conversation I asked him 
what he thought of the new Divorce Court we had just 
visited. 

' I have heard and read a good deal about it,' he re- 
plied, ' and am bound to say I do not think it open to the 
objections that have been raised against it. You must 
recollect that it is regarded from very opposite points of 
view, according to the peculiar notions of people on the 
subject of divorce. These opinions it is not necessary to 
discuss, it would lead us into too wide a field for mere 
conversation ; but assuming that the principle upon which 
it is founded is correct (upon which I do not wish to offer 
an opinion), the court appears to me to work well in prac- 



BIG WIGS. 365 

tice. I do not wonder that the public is alarmed when 
they see the great number of cases that are brought 
before it for adjudication ; but it mxist be recollected, 
that when the House of Lords was the sole tribunal that 
could decide upon them, redress was confined to the rich 
man and the mere pauper, as a divorce could only be ob- 
tained by the expenditure of a very large sum of money, 
or by the gratuitous services of lawyers. The conse- 
quence was, that a vast deal of obloquy was thrown upon 
the aristocracy, as they were, with very few exceptions, 
the only parties who figured in these trials ; and an im- 
pression prevailed, not only among the people of this 
country, but among foreigners, that the upper classes 
were distinguished from the middle and lower orders, as 
much by their profligacy, as their wealth and social 
rank. 

6 It would now appear, that so far from this being the 
case, they furnish fewer instances of depravity than those 
in an inferior station, which, considering their great wealth, 
their leisure, and other circumstances, does them infinite 
honour. Indeed it is said, and I believe with some truth, 
that while a better and sounder tone of morals prevails in 
the higher ranks, there is by no means a corresponding 
decrease in the rest of society of those offences that are 
the special objects of adjudication in this court. Since 
I have been in England, I have perused with great atten- 
tion the reports of cases tried before this tribunal, and I 
have met with no instance in which a divorce has been 
decreed on insufficient grounds, or where there was any 
reason to suspect collusion between the parties. 

* The House of Lords was a very objectionable tribunal. 
No man, however high in station, or eminent for ability, 
is fit to try a cause unless he is professionally trained for 
the exercise of judicial functions. A judge is naturally 



366 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

cold and impassive ; his prejudices and his imagination 
are carefully eliminated from his mind ; he is accustomed 
to deal with testimony, to analyze, weigh it, and estimate 
its real value. An unprofessional judge, such as a mem- 
ber of the House of Peers, is a man of feeling as well as 
honour, his impulses are good, but they are not chastened 
like those of a lawyer. He does not very readily perceive 
the difference between an equitable and a legal claim, or 
between what is expedient and what is strictly lawful. 
He relies more on the purity of his intentions than on his 
knowledge of principles, or the rules of evidence, and 
frequently decides more in reference to what he thinks 
ought to be, than what can be done. The absence of a 
jury lessened the value of their decisions in the eyes of 
the public — not that jurymen are more intelligent or 
more honest than the Peers — but because the popular 
element was wanting in the tribunal. The fiat of the 
court was the judgment of an order of men far above the 
common in station, for which they alone were responsible 
who pronounced it ; it was open to criticism, and often con- 
demned, because, though the members of that house were, 
from their high station and character, beyond the suspicion 
of partiality, they were not exempted from the imputation 
of unconscious bias, in consequence of their not possessing 
those attributes of judges which I have just named. The 
present Court of Divorce will be more satisfactory to the 
public, because its decrees are founded upon verdicts ; 
and as the decisions of juries are those of the people, the 
judge derives a support from their concurrence, far 
beyond the intrinsic value of their opinions. Suspicion is 
apt to attach to irremovable functionaries, from the na- 
tural tendency of established authority to become arbitrary. 
Juries are fluctuating bodies, and cannot be easily acted 
upon. If a verdict be unsatisfactory, the certainty that 



BIG WIGS. 367 

the same jury will never again be assembled together, 
reconciles us to the evil, and induces us to hope for more 
intelligence and superior discretion from the next. Their 
chief value is to make the people bear their own share of 
the responsibility of administering justice, and to elevate 
the judge in public estimation, by placing him beyond the 
reach of those imputations, that ignorance and vulgarity 
are so prone to fasten upon their superiors. 1 differ, 
therefore, toto eoelo from Mr. Justice Cresswell, as to the 
expediency of sitting with closed doors. Nothing can be 
more disagreeable than to have to listen to the disgusting 
details usually given in evidence in suits for divorce, more 
especially as they attract the lowest and most depraved 
audiences. Of this, however, he has no right to complain, 
for when he accepted the commission, he knew the nature 
and incidents of his duties. It is essential that these 
causes should be heard in public for reasons similar to 
those I have already assigned ; the evil does not consist 
in open trials, but in the publicity given to these offensive 
matters by the daily press. It is to be hoped that the 
good sense of its conductors may induce them to omit all 
details unsuited for general perusal, and that the repro- 
bation of the public will punish any infraction of propriety 
in this respect.' 

* 'Zactly,' said Peabody, ' there ought to be an Aunt 
Debby in every family, as there was to our house, to 
hum, to act as a reader, and see if there was anything 
improper in the newspapers, or in the new books we took 
in from the circulatin' library. Lord ! how prim and 
precise she was. I think I see her now a-standin' afore 
me as neat and nice as if she was just taken out of a 
bandbox that was brought home from the milliner, with 
her black silk dress fittin' as tight as her skin ; her white, 
clear-starched, stiff kerchief crossed over her breast, and 



368 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

tied behind ; and her little, beautiful, crimped muslin cap, 
that was edged with short, stiff, hair curls, like tassels on 
a fringe. When she stood up to receive a stranger, in 
the second position (as dancin' masters call it), with one 
little tiny foot just far enough out to show her ankle that 
she was so proud of, crossed her hands in front, and half- 
bowed, half-curtsied, she was a pictur worth framin', I 
tell you. Everything about her seemed new except her 
face, and that looked as if it had been took good care of, 
and had wore well, too. She was as formal and perlite 
as you please, and really looked as good natured as an 
aunt can that has to govern other folk's children, for no 
woman knows how to bring up juveniles, except one that 
has none of her own. But when she put her spectacles on, 
it was time to close reef and keep an eye to windward for 
squalls, that's a fact. They made her look old and feel 
old ; they told tales of eyes that was once bright, and 
bygone days when she was young, and she scolded every 
one that came near hand to her, as if it was their fault 
she warn't young still. I don't think she had an idee 
that there was anything good onder the sun, except 
herself and her presarves ; she saw evil in everything. 
This warn't proper, and that warn't delicate ; this wasn't 
decent, and that was downright wicked. Whenever she 
read anything funny in a paper she'd look as black as 
thunder, and 'jaculate, "Well, I wan't to know!!! If 
this don't beat general trainin' ! !" and so on ; and then go 
and hide away the paper, and say nobody but father was 
to read it. Well, in course the moment she turned her 
back, the gals raced off, ransacked the desk, pulled it 
right out, and read it, for it set their curiosity a-goin', 
and when a woman gets that up, nothin in natur will stop 
her. Eve couldn't, nohow she could fix it. If she hadn't 
a-been ordered not to eat the apple, it's as like as not 



BIG WIGS. 369 

she never would so much as have seen it, there were so 
many more temptin' lookin' fruits in Paradise. But no, 
there was a secret, and if she was to die for it, nothin would 
stop her from tryin' to find it out. Well, anything that 
Aunt Debby forbid was sure to be read. One day father 
sent home a book called " Peregrine Pickle :" I dare say 
you have heard tell of it, it's one of the greatest and 
funniest books ever written, it is so full of human natur. 
Sister Phemy picked it up and began to read it, when 
Aunt Debby came in and snatched it right away from her. 
" What in natur is this ?" sais she. " What ! reading a 
novel," and she turned up the whites of her eyes, and 
fairly groaned. " I never saw anything so shocking in all 
my born days," sais she, and out of the room she flounced 
like anything, crying, " Oh, oh, oh ; what is this wicked 
world a-comin' to ? I will go upstairs and pray for you !" 
Well, hour followed arter hour, and they waited and waited 
for ever so long, and still no Aunty came back. At last Phemy 
grew awful skeered, and she crept upstairs to old Debby's 
room, and as the door was ajar, she pushed it gently open, 
and peeped in, and there sat Aunty by the window in her 
rockin' chair, a-readin' of the very identical horrible book, 
and a-shakin' all over with laughter, the tears of fun 
actilly a-runnin' down her cheeks, till she was most off in 
hystrikes. Arter a while Phemy slips in a tip-toe, taps 
her on the shoulder, and says, " Aunty, dear, what a pro- 
tracted time you've had of it, haven't you, and all on ac- 
count of my sins, too ! But, dear Aunt, what in natur is 
the matter of you ? Ain't you well ? What makes you 
weep so ?" '• Weep," sais she, pulling a face as long as 
the Moral Law. " Weep, is it ? I guess I am weepin', 
this wicked book would make anybody shed tears, Oh, 
to think that your father should send such an awful work 



370 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

as this home ! !" Well, in course Phemy stole it away 
the first chance she got, and all the gals read it. 

'Now, which do you think did most mischief in our 
house, Peregrine Pickle or Aunt Debby ? Tell you what, 
delicacy is one thing and squeamishness another, bu they 
ain't commonly found travellin' arm and arm together, 
for there never was a squeamish woman that had a delicate 
mind, that's a fact.' 

' It is not necessary,' said the Senator, ' to settle their 
relative demerits ; but it is quite clear that Miss Peabody 
was but an indifferent instructress for young ladies, and 
" Peregrine Pickle " an unsuitable book for them to read. 
But, be that as it may, no newspaper ought ever to be 
admitted into a house, the columns of which are defiled by 
the recitals of these disgusting trials.' 

' Well, I am glad I have seen this Divorce Court, too,' 
said Peabody, ' not on account of the philosophy of the 
thing, because I don't onderstand that, but because Bri- 
tishers are for everlastingly a-tauntin' us, and sayin' we 
tie the nuptial knot so loose that half the time it comes 
undone of itself. Well, if they fix it tighter here, there 
are them that know how to loose it, at any rate. Parsons 
think they can tie the fisherman's knot, but lawyers are 
up to the dodge, and can ondo it as quick as they can fix 
it. There is nothin in natur equal to them except a 
parrot, and he (no, I won't say he, for there is no such 
thing as a male parrot, they are all Pollys) — and she can 
loosena link as quick as you can put the chain on her. 
Now, I'll tell you the difference between our divorces and 
yours : we dissolve matrimonial partnership sometimes 
because it don't convene to the parties to continue it. 
It's a matter of what they call incompatibility — a long 
word that means when two naturs don't assimilate or mix 
pleasantly, like ile and water. Here it is a matter of 



BIG WIGS. 371 

crime. Our folks try to perform what they promise ; and 
when they find it onpossible, they give it up as a bad job. 
A woman vows to love, honour, and obey, and, praps, she 
finds she has been most awfully taken in ; she' can't either 
love or honour, and when that's the case, in course she 
can't obey. Well, when all these combine, what's the 
use of goin on snarlin, bitin, and scratchin for everlastin ? 
When you match a pair of hosses, if one is honest in 
draught, goes well up to the collar, and has spirit and 
bottom ; and t'other is tricky, won't do its share of work, 
has no go in it, and gives in arter a few miles — what do 
you do ? Why, get rid of the bad one, and get a better 
mate in its place. Or, if one stays quiet in its pasture, 
comes to its oats when called, and Jets you put the bridle 
on easy ; and the other, the moment it is loose, jumps 
the fence, races over the country, gets into your neigh- 
bour's field, and when, arter a thunderin long chase, you 
pen it up in a corner, it turns tail to you, lays down its ears, 
and kicks like all possessed, so that it is as much as your 
life is worth to get up to it, and, when you do, it holds 
its head so high you can't reach up to put the bridle on, 
or won't loosen its jaws to take the bit, or, if it does open 
its mouth, bites like a pair of blacksmith's pincers — what 
do you do? W T hy, just send it to vandue, or swop it 
away for a better one, for it don't convene to keep it 
always tied up in its stall. 

' Well, it's more difficult to choose a human mate than 
a hoss match by a long chalk. A hoss don't pretend to 
be better than it is ; it is no hypocrite — once a devil, always 
a devil. They never try to look amiable ; but a woman 
ain't so easy judged of, I can tell you. She can look like 
an angel, be as gentle as a lamb, and talk as sweet as 
honey; her face can be as sunny as the heavens on a 
summer's day, and if you ain't up to tropical skies, you 



372 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

wouldn't believe it could ever cloud right up, be as black 
as ink in a minute, and thunder and lightenin come out 
of it, hard and sharp enough to stun and blind you. 
Well, you put to sea with this confidence, the storm comes, 
she won't answer her helm, and you are stranded in no 
time ; there ain't no insurance office to make up the ma- 
trimonial loss to you, and what are you to do ? Are you 
to repair damage, launch the wreck again, and be drove 
ashore a second time ; or, are you to abandon the ship, 
leave it there, and have nothin more to do with it ?' 

' Then, do you mean to say/ asked the Senator, ' that 
it is always the fault of the female ?' 

i No, I don't,' said Peabody. 'It's oftener the fault of 
a man, in my opinion, than of a woman. It ain't the lady 
that proposes, but the gentleman. " Caveat emptor," as 
my brother Gad, the lawyer, said, in a suit I had with a 
feller, about the soundness of a hoss I sold. (Father 
called him Gad, because, like Jacob, he see'd there was a 
troop of us a-coming.) Well, that law phrase means the 
buyer must cave in if he a'n't wide awake. If a lovier 
can read faces — which is as necessary for a man to study 
when he goes a-courtin as any book that is taught at 
school — he will see the marks of the temper there. A 
company face, like a go-to-meetin' dress, ain't got the 
right sit ; it' s too stiff and too bright, and you can see it 
ain't put on every day ; there is an oneasiness about her 
that wears it ; it don't seem nateral. The eyebrows are 
lifted arch-like — they don't stay up sponteneously ; the 
smiles are set — they don't come and go with the rise and 
fall of the tide of the spirits. The mouth is kinder 
lengthened to take the droop out of the corners, and that 
pushes up the cheek, and makes a dimple in it. And the 
upper lip, instead of curling up sarcy, swells ripe and 
plump at the mouth. A gall with a face of that kind 



BIG WIGS. 373 

looks as if she had come into the world singing, instead of 
cryin' like a young kitten. Courtin is bad for the eye- 
sight you may depend ; a feller is apt to get parblinded 
by it; if he didn't stare so much, he'd see better. Let 
him get a look at her when she don't know it, and then 
he'll see the nateral expression ; he'll find the brow puck- 
ered close, the mouth curved short at the small eend, the 
eye contracted, and the lips half their former size, and 
puckered in tight. And if he can't get a chance to see 
her that way, if she has a rival, set her a talkin about 
her ; or if she has ever tried it on to a feller, and got the 
cold shoulder, steboy her at him, and he'll soon find the 
set smile has set like the sun — gone out of sight till next 
time, and the angel mask has dropped off", and the shrew 
face left, looking as large as life, and twice as nateral. 
Now, if he ain't a judge himself, let him do as he does 
when he buys at an auction — ask the advice of them that 
are, and if his friends have as much of the fool about 'em 
as he has, let him remember every gall, like every other 
created critter, has a character, good, bad, or indifferent. 
Everybody is known among their neighbours for exactly 
what their valy is. This one is a termagant, that one a 
flirt, this is imprudent, and that discreet, while t'other is 
as good-hearted, good-natured a gall as ever lived. 
Well, if a man won't make use of his common-sense — and 
he is took in, all I can say is, it sarves him right.' 

' No,' said the Senator, e that's not what I mean. Do 
you think a man is often er taken in, in matrimony, than 
a woman ?' 

' No,' he replied, ' I don't. I think it's the other way. 
As I said before, recollect it's him that proposes ; in a 
general way he gets spooney, goes right up to her head, 
and marries. Sometimes it's the gall he admires, and 
sometimes her money or rank ; but he commonly plays 



374 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

the first card, and leads off for her to follow suit. I say 
commonly, for women know how to put it into a man's 
head, and make him think it's all his own doings. Well, 
havin' made up his mind, nothin ever stops him ; he 
flatters, not with homoeopathic doses, but draughts that 
would choke a camel ; he swears as false as the feller did 
who deposed to knowing a fusee ever since it was a 
pistol, when he heard it was called a " son of a gun." 
He vows eternal love, and takes his davy he'll die of a 
broken heart, or drown himself, if he's refused. Men 
know what liars men are, but women don't ; and how 
should a poor gall tell, who ain't permitted to look at 
men's faces, to see if they are stamped with deceit or not ? 
How can she study physiognomy ? She is all truth 
herself (if properly brought up), and confides in others. 
She knows she was made to be loved ; and when a man 
vows he does adore her to distraction, and she knows that 
word adoration is only applied to angels, why shouldn't 
think she is one, and believe the man who worships her ? 
No ! poor critter, she is oftener took in than the false lover 
is. Now, when the fraud is found out, whichever it was that 
cheated (sometimes both are let in for a bad bargain), 
and when contempt, and then hatred, and then squabblin 
and fightin comes, ain't it better for both to cry quits ?' 

'Don't talk nonsense, Ephraim,' said the Senator, 
6 you know better than that. Matrimony is not a part- 
nership to be dissolved by mutual consent. " Whom Q-od 
has joined, let not man put asunder :"' 

' Yes,' replied the other, ' but those that the world, 
the flesh, or the devil has united ' 

' We'll drop the subject, if you please, Mr. Peabody,' 
rejoined the Senator, with some warmth. 

' Now, don't fly off at the handle arter that fashion,' 
said Peabody, with provoking coolness, and a comical 



BIG WIGS. 375 

expression of countenance ; ' it ain't safe. When I was 
chopping at our wood pile onct, the axe flew right off that 
way as quick as wink, and took the ear off of old Jabez 
Snow, our black nigger help, as slick as a knife. The 
varmint thought when he felt the blood runnia' down his 
cheek that his skull was split, and his brains oozing out, 
and he gave a yell so loud they heer'd him clean across 
the river, which was more nor the matter of a mile wide 
there, and then he fell down in a conniption fit. It spoilt 
his beauty, I can tell you, for nothin looks so bad as a 
half-cropt nigger ; it gave his head a lop-sided look ever 
arter. So don't fly off at the handle that way ; it's 
dangerous, that's a fact.' 

' Well,' said the Senator, * we ought not to be angry 
with you, for men eminent for their ability and station in 
the British Parliament have talked as loosely and ab- 
surdly as you do. It is grievous to hear a man like 
Lord Campbell dispose of the arguments derived from 
Scripture against the remarriage of divorced parties ; and 
the scruples of learned and pious men on the subject, 
with a flippancy that betokens either ignorance, or in- 
difference, or both. As I said before, I will not enter 
into that wide field of controversy, although I entertain a 
very strong opinion upon the subject, founded, not like 
that of his lordship, on a superficial view of it, but after 
mature consideration and anxious investigation. 

' Leaving untouched, therefore, the interpretation, Mr. 
Shegog, which your legislature has put on those passages 
of Scripture, on the subject of divorce, I will content 
myself with saying, that I cannot approve of the enact- 
ments of the recent law. Nothing can be worse than 
that portion of it which makes a marked distinction 
between the rights of husband and wife. The former 
can procure a divorce "a vinculo," upon the proof 






LRi 



• 



376 THE SEASON-TICKET. 

of adultery, the latter can only obtain a similar relief, 
when that offence is coupled with bigamy, or incest, or 
cruelty, or desertion for a period of two years. How a 
Christian legislature like yours, composed of a body of 
English gentlemen, of peers spiritual and temporal, and 
above all, with- a Queen constituting its first and highest 
branch, could thus degrade woman below the level she 
has held for centuries, in this and every other civilized 
country, is to me altogether unintelligible. If their 
rights are thus rendered unequal, so are their respective 
punishments. The husband may be mulct in damages 
for his offence ; but the wife, by the usages of the world, 
is for ever banished from society, and her punishment 
terminates only with her life. It is deeply to be re- 
gretted that the suggestion of the Archbishop of Can- 
terbury, to restrain the guilty party from remarriage, and 
that of the Bishop of Oxford, to visit the offence with im- 
prisonment, were not adopted. As the law now stands, 
it is unscriptural, impolitic, and unjust.' 

Here our conversation terminated, and I was compelled 
to hurry to the station to be in time for the train. The 
term of my ' pass ' on the South Western line expires 
to-night. Whether I shall renew it, or accept the invi- 
tation of my American friends, from whom I have de- 
rived so much amusement and instruction, to accompany 
them on a short tour into the- country, I have not yet 
decided, but this sheet completes the memorabilia of my 
present ' Season Ticket.' 









LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 492 100 8 £ 



